Difference between acceptance and not hoping?

[TuesGirl]

Without going into details, I was wondering what the LS community thought on the terms of acceptance and the feeling of giving up hope. I just found out that my ex of 6 months has a new girlfriend in the town where he works 5 days a week. (Of course when he's back in town on the weekends, he wants to hang out and go skiing or go to concerts and flirts with me and 'misses me', etc...). At first, when I found out Saturday night I was super upset and stayed that way all day yesterday and halfway throught this day but then I somehow, and I don't know how, just sort of accepted that that was the way it was. Everything points to this situation as being a stereotypical rebound, and he pretty much admitted as much too, so maybe that is why? At any rate, even though I am disgusted with it and it makes things a little more 'final' between us, I somehow, STILL cannot give up hope that one day we'll work through the very small things we need to work through and get back together. How do you give up hope? I don't know how? And do you think there is a difference between acceptance and giving up hope? I'm definitely feeling it, and was just wondering what your perspective was...

[cdt76]

Good question. No idea. Honestly...no idea how to do either. I'm right there with you.

[DenverBachelor]

And do you think there is a difference between acceptance and giving up hope? I'm definitely feeling it, and was just wondering what your perspective was...

 

More or less, in few words from a long drawn out philosophical discussion -- Moving on means not needing hope but not giving up on it.

[TuesGirl]

Hmmm DB, I think you just answered my question in the vaguest way possible!haha I have been moving on in every aspect of my life (dating, buying my OWN house, going on trips with friends, etc) but he is always present in my life (he keeps it that way, and I am ok with it...now) and there is no doubt that he still has strong feelings for me (he even admits it) so I guess I always think in the back of my mind that there is a chance, one day, once he gets his head in a better place...even though he has some 'toy' in KC (where he is 4 days a week for work). I have been let in from one of our mutual friends that they have nothing in common and that she started relentlessly pursuing him right after we broke up in Spetember, so I know she is just 'convenient'....so I have accepted that is the case right now. Ironically, he is making my phone blow up with texts and emails...anyways...I digress...haha

[Chi NZ]

I think that not letting go of hope is okay, as long as you don't let it rule your life.

 

And thats where I think acceptance comes in, you realise that you do hope but don't make it the dominant thing in your daily process.

 

Just my thoughts though

[TuesGirl]

Well it helps to know that I am not off my rocker in my thinking I tend to be hard on myself and thought I may be holding myself back bc I was still holding on to some hope. But, I am doing everything I can think of to move on, and I just didn't know HOW to let go of hope and I got worried that it was holding me back somehow...

[PuggaGirl]

TuesGirl: I am struggling to find the balance between acceptance and hope. My husband and I are preparing the divorce papers on Thursday. Despite this, there is still a part of me that holds onto a sliver of hope that he'll give our marriage another chance. I am moving on and finding a without my husband (even if it is only baby steps) but some days, I need that hope to keep moving forward. Good Luck

[madrugada]

That's a good question. I'm not accepting my situation yet, but after time the hope will fade. I think the two go hand in hand. It's just a matter of time.

 

If it makes you feel better, my ex-fiancee (four months gone) rebounded with her guitar instructor, who is a friend of mine. Two months later, that was over. She is now almost done with rebound number two.

 

A couple of weeks ago she spent the night with me, crying about how much she misses me and how she regrets breaking things off. At the same time, she never once said 'let's try again.' So I'm taking the laid back approach and living life for myself, and the more time that goes by, the more I realize that, yeah, I still love her, but it's probably a good thing she walked away.

 

I don't know your story, but this is my experience: if it's truly a rebound, it's just a matter of your ex trying to take his mind off you. Over time, everything he doesn't like about her will simply magnify everything he loved about you. And yeah, it will hurt him. Whether he wants to go back or not, that's up to him.

 

But you know what? It doesn't matter, because you've got your own life to live (without him) and whatever he does he does out of his own insecurity and need.

 

BTW, you say the girl lives in KC? That's where I live. Tell me who she is and if you want, I can try to lure her away from him for you ...

[TuesGirl]

@madrugada: hahahaha THANK YOU for your offer They both actually work in Topeka (their company is setting up some IT stuff for KDOT) M-Th, but I always say KC bc I am so used to him referencing that airport (he flies in every M and leaves every Th evening). Yes, he is hooking up with someone he works with (something that I know he thinks is unprofessional and I even called him on it and he agreed) but obviously this is convenient. They have nothing in common and she is very much unlike (according to the mutual friend) everything he used to say he loved about me (low-maintenance, active, outdoorsy, dresses with class). Even her FB profile pic is somewhat unprofessional...

 

And how interesting, that the evening I found out, Saturday, he cried and cried his eyeballs out on my couch after we had just spent the most wonderful day together skiing and going to a concert. Even sharing a bottle of wine that had sentimental value to us from previous travels (his bottle and his idea). i asked him if 'she' would have been ok with us hanging out like that all day and he said, "no". WTF??

 

I also think he is suffering from some sort of depression, as he has gained weight, has become a major grump with his sister (they live together and she and I are somewhat close), and constantly complains about how he hates his job. He also did not fly back to work on M this week, even though work has been very very busy lately, making me think he is avoiding something after our conversation on Saturday. He admitted to missing me and having feelings for me, but said, "I thought you had completely moved on, and didn't know that you thought about another chance". He also said, "I feel so much guilt for hurting you and don't ever want to do that again, but I don't know if I can give you what you want and don't want to string you along", But he doesn't know WHY he can't give me what I want (I asked). So, in short, he is using this girl to 'move on'. I also pointed out that what he was doing was not very fair to her (like I care, but I was trying to take the high road!).

 

So I'm keeping him at arm's length and just living my life

[Ronni_W]

The way it's been explained to me, acceptance is being okay with the current reality...not ignoring, denying, ranting, blaming, resenting or freaking out about it. Hope is part of wanting to improve the situation.

 

I accept that my mom is dying of cancer; I hope that she won't suffer.

I accept that I don't have money to make next month's rent; I hope I get a better paying job real soon!

(Neither of those is true, btw -- they're just examples.)

 

Acceptance brings a kind of 'calm and peace' instead of chaos and panic. Hope is part of optimism that things can and will get better...but it also requires one to be realistic and take proper action that will lead to the desired improvements.

 

But when our "hopes" can only come true if other people change their minds or feelings or habits...that's leaning towards hope of the false variety because more likely than not, they won't "conform" and we will end up having set-up ourselves for disappointment.

Similarly, it's unrealistic/false hope to count on some high-odds event -- I hope to win the lottery so I don't need to bother looking for a better paying job.

Edited February 24, 2010 by Ronni_W

[TuesGirl]

@Ronni: Thank you, your explanation makes things clearer and makes sense. I really pride myself on being a realistic person, and so I guess I am trying to not fall off the fence in terms of being unrealistic.

[madrugada]

First of all, TuesGirl, you sound like someone who's got class.

 

Second, it's a small world, because I'm in Topeka from time to time and part of my job is to talk to KDOT reps.

 

And I got the same "I miss you but I thought you had moved on" speech, and what's funny is that it was that moment when it struck me: we're dealing with people who are flawed; they run from problems and when the ***t falls that's what they'll do, because that's easier than dealing with whatever is wrong with the relationship.

 

Be careful, though, because it sounds like you're at risk of letting him assuage his guilt for leaving you by crying on your shoulder. Is that really a position you want to be in?

 

And they'll use someone to 'move on.' So my guitar instructor friend, her first rebound who freaked out (more than I did) when she dumped him after a month and a half, I took him out for a beer the other night.

 

I said, "Hey, I know what it's like. So do a lot of other guys."

[TuesGirl]

@Madrugada: Aww thanks I try... I had an ex-fiance cheat on me 5 years ago, so I have learned alot about break-ups and how to deal (unfortunately) and there is always a small part of me that will be pissed if a guy is ever lying to a girl he is with, even in this case :S so that's why I said what I did, bc the current ex knows exactly how I feel about cheating...

 

And holy *****, yes it IS a small world...well I know her name and everything...so next time your in Topeka, you can just find her and tell her that you know for a fact that the guy she is dating has herpes (he doesn't, but that would be awesome...how's THAT for some class).

 

My analysis of the ex is that he is 100% lost. I don't know when it happened. He used to be so confident and so sure of his job etc and I think it started when he started traveling. He lost touch with all of his Denver friends, and has no sense of 'place' or 'home' (He has been traveling for 1.5 years). But he definitely is like a deer in the headlights...

 

I will be careful, and I am a bit of a sensitive person. But I am also very, very competitive and have lots of pride (I turned my brief NC stint into a game against myself), although I don't feel competitive with 'her', oddly enough. I guess I am just able to see it for what it is....

 

Too funny about your friend. Cool of you though!

[madrugada]

Better yet, why don't I just let her know her boyfriend's been hitting on me, and it makes me uncomfortable? Bad touch, dude.

 

Anyway, I have to ask you. (I've asked DenverBachelor the same question.) Living in Denver, have you ever been to the Tattered Cover bookstore in lower downtown?

 

My sister used to live in Denver, and whenever I'd visit her I'd take the light rail downtown and spend an entire day in that bookstore. I love that place.

 

Anyway, I know what you mean about 100% lost. We're dealing with broken people who don't know what they want. They're truly lost, and whether they find themselves sooner or later - what does it matter to you?

 

Anyway. Names?

[TuesGirl]

Mag anyway I can contact you privately? Ls is blocked at work and I can only get to it by my phone.

[HeavenOrHell]

Staying in touch with my ex gave me false hope, anything he did or said which was friendly towards gave me false hope, I stopped contact after 6 1/2 months. In the end it became more painful to see him than to not see him, knowing that he fancied others, an ex friend of mine being one of them.

I feel much better for stopping contact, I didn't feel fully single until I stopped contact 3 weeks ago.

Acceptance for me, meant I gave up hope of reconciliation, accepted the situation and felt more able to move on, I'm started to feel interested in men again I feel I have moved on more in the 3 weeks of NC than I did in the 6 months we stayed in contact.

You seem to have acceptance that he's seeing someone else but you also have some hope you will get back together at some point, which is contradictory, but then heartbreak is a mish mash of emotions

No-one knows what the future will bring.

Are you happy being just friends?

If not then I would say start no contact to help you move on.

He knows where you are if he has anything to say, you might choose not to hear it of course

 

 

Without going into details, I was wondering what the LS community thought on the terms of acceptance and the feeling of giving up hope. I just found out that my ex of 6 months has a new girlfriend in the town where he works 5 days a week. (Of course when he's back in town on the weekends, he wants to hang out and go skiing or go to concerts and flirts with me and 'misses me', etc...). At first, when I found out Saturday night I was super upset and stayed that way all day yesterday and halfway throught this day but then I somehow, and I don't know how, just sort of accepted that that was the way it was. Everything points to this situation as being a stereotypical rebound, and he pretty much admitted as much too, so maybe that is why? At any rate, even though I am disgusted with it and it makes things a little more 'final' between us, I somehow, STILL cannot give up hope that one day we'll work through the very small things we need to work through and get back together. How do you give up hope? I don't know how? And do you think there is a difference between acceptance and giving up hope? I'm definitely feeling it, and was just wondering what your perspective was...

[madrugada]

Are you able to send a private message?

 

If not,

 

[email protected]

[GrayClouds]

It is silly to try to rationalize the difference.

 

By the nature of your post it is obvious that you are at neither place. You continue to have a relationship with your ex that obvious not healthy for you, your are rewarding him for breaking up with you by having one, just as you rewarded him for cheating on you in the past by continueing a relationship with him.

 

You are not showing yourself the respect you deserve. Stop trying to figure out your feelings and start some positive action to help you heal.

 

Read the link and do all that it says:

Caliguy's No Contact Guide

 

Sorry for yor pain, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal.

[TuesGirl]

S,orry if my posts are confusing. The cheating incident happened with my exex. We did not het back together. Current ex and i broke up in sept. I broke up with.him bc he said he wasnt sure if he ever saw us married down the road.2.5 years in. Yet this whole time he's acted like the dumpee. Thanks for the encouraging words though. Ls is good for that!

[TuesGirl]

Mad...ur email failed to send from my hotmail acct

[madrugada]

Sorry!

 

Try

 

[email protected]