spinster Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Dated a guy 2 years ago for 3 months. We broke up because he was very damaged by a relationship he just got out of and told some lies. I was very hurt, felt used, a rebound. 2 years later, run into him, he apologizes several times, he pursues me. We've been seeing each other for over 5 months now. I am having a hard time trusting him and letting go of the past. I often accuse him of things without real proof, and have been a little obsessive (damn facebook). He's been kind and patient and has done nothing to deserve my continuing mistrust. He has been unsure of committing to me, and I think my constant mistrust of him may be a big reason why. I have previously (mis?)interpreted his reluctance as him trying to use me. I am terrified of allowing myself to be a chump, I've had some bad experiences. Last time I saw him I told him I wanted to stop sleeping with him because of him being so unsure of me, but things got outta hand anyway and ended weirdly. He feels terrible for having pressured me, and though I wanted to have sex with him, I had to stop it out of principle. We are on some kind of break, haven't talked in 2 days. I am not sure if we are broken up or what, I am not sure if he's had enough of my mistrust, though he is very understanding. I am not sure how to proceed. I am tempted to write him a short message: "I feel I have been treating you unfairly. You have done nothing these past several months to warrant my continuing mistrust. You have been kind and patient. You do not deserve to be treated badly. I am sorry." ...and then just give it all space and concentrate on myself. Do you think this is a good idea to send this? Or should I just leave it alone and give it all some more time and space? Thank you.
Twenty-ten Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Couple things, I am confused. You were having sex and then cut him off? You wanted to stop sleeping with him because of him being so unsure of you? Can you please explain that? Lastly, why call yourself a "spinster"? Sounds like you have a very low regard for yourself, might want to work on that through therapy and try to do things in your life that help build your self esteem.
Author spinster Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 Yes, after 3 months of getting back together we began having sex. Yes, I cut him off a couple days ago because he was unsure about me, I was afraid of being used. I do understand I have insecurities. This situation has brought out some stuff I didn't know was there, as I am not normally a jealous/paranoid person.
Twenty-ten Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 You did the right thing to cut him off if he is not sure of what he wants. I would lay low and let him come to you, but I do need to know more before I go on giving you more advice on what I think you should do. Have you gotten to the bottom of what that reluctance is on his part? Or is this just a feeling on your part?
Author spinster Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 You did the right thing to cut him off if he is not sure of what he wants. I would lay low and let him come to you, but I do need to know more before I go on giving you more advice on what I think you should do. Have you gotten to the bottom of what that reluctance is on his part? Or is this just a feeling on your part? He says he's unsure of what he wants. I ask if this is just a casual thing to him, he says he doesn't know. Still a little angry and has some trust issues over his last relationship which ended over 2 years ago. Says he has insecurities that he thinks people won't like him when they really get to know him. That he would be a bad boyfriend. Says he's no good for anything, disillusioned by relationships, that he expects to die alone. Maybe he's just not that into me and is trying to give me hints, which adds to my insecurity. It's like a feedback loop of doom. I just hope it's not my paranoia and inability to let go of my grudge that is driving him away. I don't know.
conehead Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 You commented on my thread so it made me interested in yours. If I were you, I wouldn't subject myself to this kind of torture. Just leave this guy. You deserve better.
conehead Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Also, do not apologize to him. You have the right to mistrust you bassed on the things he say to you. You don't owe him an apology. If someone were to say sorry, it's him.
Twenty-ten Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Nope not your paranoia, you did the right thing he clearly has issued to work through and I don't think you being by his side giving in to his whims is healthy for you. Relationships are a good way to sort through our feelings and they usually bring to the surface the negative emotions we don't typically deal with day to day. It was interesting you said that you are not typically a jealous person but in relationships you tend to get this way sometimes and it is hard to tell if it is your insecurities or a legit reaction to the situation. In this case I think you have every right to feel unsure, and by ending things it leaves him to decide what he wants since half a relationship is not what you are after. I would leave it alone and let him come to you, if/when, he decides he is ready to have a go at it full on. Otherwise better off this way, for you.
alphamale Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Do you think this is a good idea to send this? Or should I just leave it alone and give it all some more time and space? no i wouldn't send it but you two do need time apart
St. Nick Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 At least yer honest about yer insecurities. Some people like to delude themselves and say they're being insecure for good reason, like that conehead poster. What you need to do is work out your social problems before getting into a deep relationship. You know you have a problem. Prolonging getting cured isn't going to help. Deal with the insecurity problems now.
BG1985 Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I think attempting to rekindle old relationships leads to insecurity in general. I think the previously dumped party doesn't want to screw it up the second time around and therefore over-analyzes everything the previous dumper says/does.
Author spinster Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 (edited) Nope not your paranoia, you did the right thing he clearly has issued to work through and I don't think you being by his side giving in to his whims is healthy for you. Relationships are a good way to sort through our feelings and they usually bring to the surface the negative emotions we don't typically deal with day to day. It was interesting you said that you are not typically a jealous person but in relationships you tend to get this way sometimes and it is hard to tell if it is your insecurities or a legit reaction to the situation. In this case I think you have every right to feel unsure, and by ending things it leaves him to decide what he wants since half a relationship is not what you are after. I would leave it alone and let him come to you, if/when, he decides he is ready to have a go at it full on. Otherwise better off this way, for you. Thank you for your thoughtful response. When we decided on a break, everything was fine, except the last thing I did was accuse him of hiding facebook flirtations with another girl. My accusation was untrue. Today we talked about giving some of each other's stuff back, though he seems to wants to hold on to at least one thing of mine by "forgetting" he has it, and is pretending like I don't have his guitar. He told me he's not mad, I did not respond. After our break talk, he did a couple of passive-aggressive facebook things such as changing his profile pic from the one I took of him, putting "Destination Unknown" in that little about-me box, not inviting me to his next show. Today he deleted me as a friend. I still really want to apologize for my unwarranted jealousy. I try to be accountable for my own stuff in all situations, even if the other person is to blame for stuff as well. But I'm guessing I should still refrain from apologizing? Highly confused by everything. Help. Edited February 23, 2010 by spinster
Twenty-ten Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 If the apology is something you just need to get off your chest, then by all means do apologize. If you are doing it to salvage the relationship or to see if he changes his mind about things then don't count on it, since if it doesn't pan out how you had hoped it will only make you feel disappointed. Go into it with a clear mind on why you are apologizing and you'll be fine. I try to be accountable for my own stuff in all situations, even if the other person is to blame for stuff as well. you mean you take blame when it is not even your fault? PS you're welcome ;-)
conehead Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 you mean you take blame when it is not even your fault? That is my one issue with the OP apologizing as well. OP, you don't want to come off as pushover. Men usually like strong women, not pushovers.
Twenty-ten Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 That is my one issue with the OP apologizing as well. OP, you don't want to come off as pushover. Men usually like strong women, not pushovers. Yup no pushovers, I think "fair" is a better representation of what people in general like. No one likes a lapdog, but on the same token no one wants a completely inflexible butt head either.
Author spinster Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 (edited) I guess I'm just afraid of having come across as a "crazy psycho stalker girl" that he needs to get away from ASAP and I have this desire to rectify it. But yes, I have indeed felt like a pushover lately and not like myself, so I suppose I will refrain for now. Besides, I already briefly apologized immediately after the incident. At the same time, I also have a desire to cut him off completely and forever right now before he decides to officially dump me. Edited February 24, 2010 by spinster
Twenty-ten Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Well if you've already apologized for it I don't think doing it again will erase the "psycho ex-gf" image of you for this guy. Your only option is to learn from this and hopefully not react in the same way again with future guys. But I really doubt saying sorry again will make any difference at all. What did he do to make you overreact though? Or what was it that you read into and made you think he was flirting with someone on FB?
Author spinster Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 He has some inside jokes with these girls he recently met and they have been posting inside joke things on his wall, all sex-related. He knew I looked at his facebook page and told me what the posts were all about without me having asked. I wouldn't have. He explained it was innocent, and that I didn't need to worry about them. Wouldn't have been a big deal except he responds to it. And I was beginning to feel that he saw them more than he saw me. And I doubt these girls even know I exist. You know how you can see people's activity on their Wall? Well he often deletes them when he becomes friends with certain people, or when he comments on other people's walls. Weird, but no big deal. Is it normal to even notice this stuff? One of the girls in question posted a status of: "and bjork said, "come to me" and he commented "Imagine that." That was just too weird not to get to me. And I had thought he deleted the activity on his wall that said he commented on her wall so that I wouldn't see it. I told him he didn't need to hide the flirting on my account, and that it was creepy. But it turned out to just be a momentary facebook glitch that one time. "You are always ready to think the worst of me," he said. Which is true, though I've tried hard to get over it. But I also feel like such a cyber stalker. And I kind of really hate Facebook right now. I suppose I should mention that after the first break up I thought he was a sociopath or had a personality disorder. For 2 years I thought this. He lied about his age, said he'd been single for a while when in truth him and his ex broke up for good like the week before I met him, lied about having a myspace account, took his dating profile down only to create another one to hide in, lied about the lying, etc. Said he was extremely damaged by his ex at the time and has admitted accountability for his actions, that there was no precedent, and I have not caught him in anything specific since getting back together. I guess I just never got over it.
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