babyswan Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Hi, I was just wondering about this incredibly weird process I am going through and just wondered if it was normal? My ex and I were together for 2 1/2 yrs. Most of it was pretty difficult tbh. we split up a week ago. I'm so glad I keep journals! I've just looked back to the first few months we met all that time ago, oh my - after the inital honeymoon period I wasn't happy so early on. He made all sorts of promises from 4 months onwawrds that he would try and change his life so he would have more time for us, but in fact he was still saying the same things a couple of weeks before we split and things are almost the same now as they were then! I kinda got used to the not having much time together, I say got used to but I didn't like it. I never had much emotional support at all and ... I can't believe I'm even going to say this.... but he lacked depth. I am quite a deep person, I think he is too it's just he is a complete workaholic. He has the potential to be ... I think, deep and meaningful but I think I am realising it is never going to happen, his head is full of what goes on at the office. I want a family... it's been 2 and a half years... oh crap... it's not going to happen is it? I'd better get going right? Wow.. just reading over my journals has really opened my eyes... for the first time since we split I feel some distance from the relationship. I felt I could be honest with myself and say - he isn't right for you, you aren't going to have the life you want with him. Things I never wanted to admit - don't even want to hear myself saying... it's a cold realistation. It's frightening. This shift from sadness and despair to OMG, it wasn't right. I can feel myself still clinging to that despair and wanting him... it's almost like I don't want to let go of the pain because I'm letting go of him. And then.. he's gone.... and it's all quiet and empty in my heart and head.... it's like he's dead.... like.... who I thought he was, or was going to be..... is gone. Over the past few days I have just been thinking there is just no way I am even interested in anyone else but him. I'm not really interested in anyone else.... but that means that there is no one.. I'm on my own. He ended things not quite putting a final end to it. We have been living together and he told me that he didn't want to carry on. But then afterwards he said that he didn't want to say that we will never get back together..... I think might be what is keeping me open to him a bit. But... I can't hang on can I? I've read that before you give someone a second chance you should get over them first.... ? this is so wierd... has anyone else felt this?? I'm not even sure what to think.. I almost feel like I need to reconnect with him (I dont mean contact him, I just mean - think about how he DID love me, look at photo's etc.) before he goes for good.... he's slipping away... I'm not sure if I want him to but I think my head is kind of taking control and cutting ties.... it's like watching someone disappear down a flooding river and you can't do anything about it and perhaps... maybe you don't want to, but kind of feel you should do something just in case of... in case of.. I don't know? But if you don't do it soon they'll be gone. Can you live with that? I tell you what else has really pushed me forward! I have kept some love letters from one of my ex's who adored me from years ago. My God he adored me... current ex... gees, not so adoring -they're worlds apart. I just don't think he adores me.... I liked being adored. Maybe I can have someone who will love me again that way. That's why I kept his letters, to remind me I could be loved that way. I just don't think it's going to be this current ex... uughh! it's so weird...
Sadbutrelieved Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 I have some old journals too. Reading back, it seems I was pretty unhappy throughout the relationship. He was always pulling some **** and lying. I even ran across a few entries from things I'd already forgotten about related to money. I completely forgot that he stole my daughters' Visa gift cards his mother had given them for Christmas. I must have been in a fog. I don't know about you but reading the old entries makes me glad as hell that he's gone.
Getting_stronger Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I know what you mean. My jhournal showed trouble 2 mths in. Still the same issues that brought him to drop me now. Mate I know what yu mean- his memory is moving away now. Your heart and head are healing. Look at the pics, say goodbye. You are ready to be adored xx
Author babyswan Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 Same here - 2 months in.... it's frightening to see that the trouble started SO early and how I tried my best to live with it and just didn't stand up for myself OR walk away. My mistake. Idiot.... I'm embarrassed at myself! I must make sure I don't put up with **** so easily next time - set my boundaries and stick to them! Only the best will do! Also what was frightening was to see how many times over the time we were together I was saying the same thing about him over and over... I must have been totally charmed when we made up and just forgot about the problem. Even now I am saying things that feel like NEW or newish realisations but it's acutally probably the 20th! I forgave him so easily... just fell back in love with the measliest of offerings from him... or promises. I never stuck to my guns I fell for him over and over. OMG. What an idiot! Of course he will never learn that way... well he will learn, he will learn that he can walk all over me and get me to comply with his rules on life almost totally This really helps with second chances too. Because if he does come back my list of things that are going to have to change are just gonna be impossible for him to do... Thank God for journals! He really has been so crap to me sometimes. I'm sure I had my moments too - but man.... why did I suffer for so long! phew........ I say all this but I am still not 100% over him.... but right now I am moving further away the more I read and think....
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