jp88 Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 This may get a bit long, there is a good deal of background information, but I'd appreciate any input. My girlfriend and I met this past summer and after being together for two months decided to commit to a LDR while she finished the upcoming year at her current college (assuming things worked out she planned to move back to our hometown after this year). So with that being said, the issue is that there have been a few incidents in our relationship where I feel I've sacrificed a lot and have been understanding, and I don't necessarily feel like she's done the same. So below I'll list these incidents. Our Beginning: We have a very odd beginning. I met her through her best friend who was very very interested in me and pursuing me. The second I met her though, I was intrigued and knew I had to have her. However, because of my attitude then (acted like I never cared, never showed inerest) I introduced her to one of my good friends. They were interested in each other and ended up "talking". I finally couldn't handle not pursuing her so, after some very sneeky ways of getting to hang out with her alone by taking her to my sporting and business events, I expressed my feelings. She said she felt exactly the same, and although my friend was nice, she knew it wouldn't go anywhere. Now we were both afraid of losing those friendships so we hid our affection for a month or so, during which time she still pretended like things were going normally with my friend, so I had to sit there and watch them be semi-affectionate! It was horrible, but through it all I could see that she really didn't want him, BUT STILL. So finally it came out, we both lost those friends, but it was well worth it to be where we are today. So the point is, this is the first instance, where I feel like I sacrificed and was understanding with her, although it was kind of my fault for not just telling her how I felt right from the off. Her Guy Friends: Her nature, this is shown through pictures and stories, is to gravitate towards male friends rather than girls. She is just that kind of girl, and I can understand that. However, it made me very jealous and upset when she went to college and after every weekend a new facebook album would pop up with, at times, as many as 15 different guys taking pictures with just her. In my mind these pictures were closer than what I would consider reasonable (cheeks against each other/arms around each other). After expressing this to her several times, she finally realized that it really bothered me, and started to connect with her girlfriends more and focused on those relationships. I on the other hand, rarely take pictures with girls, and if I do there is there is typically more space between us. Although there was one that upset her of a girl wearing my track jacket for the collegiate team I play for. She got upset, I told her the girl just grabbed it though, which is true. Halloween: Halloween weekend I was sitting in a dingy hotel room with my team mates (traveling for athletics). I was really nervous about the weekend because I know Halloween means slutty outfits and lots of booze (although I knew she wouldn't be drinking because she had dry season for her sport). So my fears were confirmed when her two very slutty friends convinced her to wear a skimpy outfit (a ballerina tutu and bra). She just got a boob job and the C's were poppin out all over the place! AND THEN more pictures with guys...So I told her how much it bothered me, and finally she said she knew it was wrong, and that she shouldn't have let her friends convince her to "slut it up". However, after months of hinting and it being a recurring issue, she didn't get that the solution was to take the pictures off of facebook. Finally I told her that any guy could log on and get a show, and I didn't appreciate it, so she took them down. Since she's taken them down I haven't brought it up, but I still have a hard time forgiving her...I just don't get why she felt the need to do that?? She says just peer pressure to fit in...I don't know though. Swing Dance: So she told me over the summer that she had registered for a swing dance class, at the time it was too distant to care. When this semester started and I realized she would be dancing with guys while I'm miles and miles away, I got really upset. My reasoning: Why wouldn't she just drop it (it was an extra 1 credit) and wait till summer when we could do it together? She offered to drop it after knowing how upset I was, but I felt guilty and told her not to. Her explanation always seems to be that she wouldn't be upset if the shoes were reversed, but I always explain to her that they never have been because I don't do these things. Walking Away: Because of her childhood (dad who walked when she was born, then abused the one time she saw him), she has a tendency to just walk away from arguments and from confrontation of any sort. There have been a few incidents in our relationship where she has done this and I ALWAYS chase after her (I'm very confrontational and like to resolve things immediately). She always says after how much she appreciates it and how sorry she is that her defense mechanism is to walk away. The issue I have is that the one time I walked away, she didn't chase at all. She simply let me go, and her reasoning for this was that she felt like she was not good enough for me (I tell her everyday how perfect she is for me, and how beautiful she is and how proud I am) so it would be better to just let me go if I wasn't happy. Of course I didn't want to leave though, just wanted to be chased. The worst episode of this was this valentines day when I flew out to visit her. She had friends over to her apartment for a party with us, and while there she drank too much and payed little attention to me. I got frustrated so went in her room, after about a half hour she realized and came in to ask me what was wrong. I got stubborn and mad and just wouldn't talk to her, so she got frustrated and stormed out of her apartment. I walked too. Then her friend came and got me to agree to come back and resolve it, I went into her room and said lets talk and she told me to go away (in a very drunk way). I'm very stubborn and will go to great lengths to prove a point, so I packed my suit case and trudged it through the snow in -8 degree weather with no clue where I was going. Friends finally chased me down, and eventually convinced me to come back. I couldn't help but go in her room, and when I did and saw her there asleep I couldn't help but kiss her on the cheek and say I love you. She turned and smiled and said I love you too baby (she had completely forgot we fought!). So then we worked it out and she apologized for walking away, and for the first time in my life I just broke down in front of a girl because of my frustration. She said that made it hit home and she realized how badly she needs to change that part of her personality. The rest of the weekend was amazing, as we almost always are when together. Conclusion: It is important to note our history with relationships. I have always been the "player" while single, running through girls and breaking hearts, and the "dominator" while in a relationship, always called all the shots, girl was "whipped". She has always been non existant in her relationships, because no one else has made her want to break down her walls. So she would walk at the drop of a hat (and not come back), give no affection to her partners, NEVER trust them, and have sex with them like once a month if that. It is also important to note that I truly do believe she is the one. I've never wanted to change for someone, wanted to make them feel special, to sacrifice and compromise, to express my love through actions and words, and to support them in ever way I am able. I feel all of those things with her, and physically we both are infatuated, after a lot of work our sex life is incredible (19 orgasms in 3 days for her ). This is the perfect relationship in my mind, because she is perfect for me, and she says, and I truly believe that I am for her. We have made each other so much better, and continue to do so while sharing the utmost love and affection for each other, and we just have a great time! I don't want to lose this, but at times I feel the things I've listed above make the relationship unequal, and the walking away thing sometimes makes me doubt how true her feelings really are. Also keep in mind that her problem is walking away, mine is jealousy. So perhaps all of these things are rooted in that, and I am being unreasonable? That is what I've been telling myself, but I don't want to just blindly believe that and start to be taken advantage of. This is all new to me because I'm used to unequal relationships where everything is about me all the time (I never want that again). Whoo, that was long, any help is greatly appreciated. Cheers!
Sparkling Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 This may get a bit long, there is a good deal of background information, but I'd appreciate any input. My girlfriend and I met this past summer and after being together for two months decided to commit to a LDR while she finished the upcoming year at her current college (assuming things worked out she planned to move back to our hometown after this year). So with that being said, the issue is that there have been a few incidents in our relationship where I feel I've sacrificed a lot and have been understanding, and I don't necessarily feel like she's done the same. So below I'll list these incidents. Our Beginning: We have a very odd beginning. I met her through her best friend who was very very interested in me and pursuing me. The second I met her though, I was intrigued and knew I had to have her. However, because of my attitude then (acted like I never cared, never showed inerest) I introduced her to one of my good friends. They were interested in each other and ended up "talking". I finally couldn't handle not pursuing her so, after some very sneeky ways of getting to hang out with her alone by taking her to my sporting and business events, I expressed my feelings. She said she felt exactly the same, and although my friend was nice, she knew it wouldn't go anywhere. Now we were both afraid of losing those friendships so we hid our affection for a month or so, during which time she still pretended like things were going normally with my friend, so I had to sit there and watch them be semi-affectionate! It was horrible, but through it all I could see that she really didn't want him, BUT STILL. So finally it came out, we both lost those friends, but it was well worth it to be where we are today. So the point is, this is the first instance, where I feel like I sacrificed and was understanding with her, although it was kind of my fault for not just telling her how I felt right from the off. Her Guy Friends: Her nature, this is shown through pictures and stories, is to gravitate towards male friends rather than girls. She is just that kind of girl, and I can understand that. However, it made me very jealous and upset when she went to college and after every weekend a new facebook album would pop up with, at times, as many as 15 different guys taking pictures with just her. In my mind these pictures were closer than what I would consider reasonable (cheeks against each other/arms around each other). After expressing this to her several times, she finally realized that it really bothered me, and started to connect with her girlfriends more and focused on those relationships. I on the other hand, rarely take pictures with girls, and if I do there is there is typically more space between us. Although there was one that upset her of a girl wearing my track jacket for the collegiate team I play for. She got upset, I told her the girl just grabbed it though, which is true. Halloween: Halloween weekend I was sitting in a dingy hotel room with my team mates (traveling for athletics). I was really nervous about the weekend because I know Halloween means slutty outfits and lots of booze (although I knew she wouldn't be drinking because she had dry season for her sport). So my fears were confirmed when her two very slutty friends convinced her to wear a skimpy outfit (a ballerina tutu and bra). She just got a boob job and the C's were poppin out all over the place! AND THEN more pictures with guys...So I told her how much it bothered me, and finally she said she knew it was wrong, and that she shouldn't have let her friends convince her to "slut it up". However, after months of hinting and it being a recurring issue, she didn't get that the solution was to take the pictures off of facebook. Finally I told her that any guy could log on and get a show, and I didn't appreciate it, so she took them down. Since she's taken them down I haven't brought it up, but I still have a hard time forgiving her...I just don't get why she felt the need to do that?? She says just peer pressure to fit in...I don't know though. Swing Dance: So she told me over the summer that she had registered for a swing dance class, at the time it was too distant to care. When this semester started and I realized she would be dancing with guys while I'm miles and miles away, I got really upset. My reasoning: Why wouldn't she just drop it (it was an extra 1 credit) and wait till summer when we could do it together? She offered to drop it after knowing how upset I was, but I felt guilty and told her not to. Her explanation always seems to be that she wouldn't be upset if the shoes were reversed, but I always explain to her that they never have been because I don't do these things. Walking Away: Because of her childhood (dad who walked when she was born, then abused the one time she saw him), she has a tendency to just walk away from arguments and from confrontation of any sort. There have been a few incidents in our relationship where she has done this and I ALWAYS chase after her (I'm very confrontational and like to resolve things immediately). She always says after how much she appreciates it and how sorry she is that her defense mechanism is to walk away. The issue I have is that the one time I walked away, she didn't chase at all. She simply let me go, and her reasoning for this was that she felt like she was not good enough for me (I tell her everyday how perfect she is for me, and how beautiful she is and how proud I am) so it would be better to just let me go if I wasn't happy. Of course I didn't want to leave though, just wanted to be chased. The worst episode of this was this valentines day when I flew out to visit her. She had friends over to her apartment for a party with us, and while there she drank too much and payed little attention to me. I got frustrated so went in her room, after about a half hour she realized and came in to ask me what was wrong. I got stubborn and mad and just wouldn't talk to her, so she got frustrated and stormed out of her apartment. I walked too. Then her friend came and got me to agree to come back and resolve it, I went into her room and said lets talk and she told me to go away (in a very drunk way). I'm very stubborn and will go to great lengths to prove a point, so I packed my suit case and trudged it through the snow in -8 degree weather with no clue where I was going. Friends finally chased me down, and eventually convinced me to come back. I couldn't help but go in her room, and when I did and saw her there asleep I couldn't help but kiss her on the cheek and say I love you. She turned and smiled and said I love you too baby (she had completely forgot we fought!). So then we worked it out and she apologized for walking away, and for the first time in my life I just broke down in front of a girl because of my frustration. She said that made it hit home and she realized how badly she needs to change that part of her personality. The rest of the weekend was amazing, as we almost always are when together. Conclusion: It is important to note our history with relationships. I have always been the "player" while single, running through girls and breaking hearts, and the "dominator" while in a relationship, always called all the shots, girl was "whipped". She has always been non existant in her relationships, because no one else has made her want to break down her walls. So she would walk at the drop of a hat (and not come back), give no affection to her partners, NEVER trust them, and have sex with them like once a month if that. It is also important to note that I truly do believe she is the one. I've never wanted to change for someone, wanted to make them feel special, to sacrifice and compromise, to express my love through actions and words, and to support them in ever way I am able. I feel all of those things with her, and physically we both are infatuated, after a lot of work our sex life is incredible (19 orgasms in 3 days for her ). This is the perfect relationship in my mind, because she is perfect for me, and she says, and I truly believe that I am for her. We have made each other so much better, and continue to do so while sharing the utmost love and affection for each other, and we just have a great time! I don't want to lose this, but at times I feel the things I've listed above make the relationship unequal, and the walking away thing sometimes makes me doubt how true her feelings really are. Also keep in mind that her problem is walking away, mine is jealousy. So perhaps all of these things are rooted in that, and I am being unreasonable? That is what I've been telling myself, but I don't want to just blindly believe that and start to be taken advantage of. This is all new to me because I'm used to unequal relationships where everything is about me all the time (I never want that again). Whoo, that was long, any help is greatly appreciated. Cheers! You are trying to be honest with yourself and that is a good thing. However, what I don't think you realize is that you are still being VERY controlling with her and playing games with her. Part of this is immaturity and another part of that is insecurity. Another reason for this is people are not generally taught how to communicate with one other in a constructive way so the drama plays out. When you walk away and expect her to follow you or CHASE you down, you are playing games and trying to control her and manipulate her into responding to you the way YOU expect her to. You have this scenario set up in your mind where she has to prove to you she loves you and if she doesn't do what you have set her up to do you become insecure. When you hide out in the bedroom and wait for her to notice you are gone, you are playing games with her and being controlling...and childish. It is far better to ask to talk to her a moment in private than create scenarios and scenes. You are trying to get attention, and rather than come out and say your feelings are hurt...you create drama to control people and get them to chase you down. Everything is about YOU...I don't see the sacrifices from you at all. You have created scenes where people have to chase you down and get you to come back...which is what you wanted in the first place...for someone to bring you back after you made a huge show of walking away. You are being controlling and playing games to get what YOU WANT. Your gf isn't like you, so she doesn't have to behave like you. Be careful not to expect it or force it. You will be a much happier man if you allow her to be free to express herself with you the way SHE wants to, NOT how you demand her to. You didn't sacrifice anything in the beginning. You were still playing games with everyone and manipulating them. You weren't honest with your friends, with her, or with yourself. Were you hoping if you feigned disinterest she would chase you? Then when it didn't happen you decided to chase and pursue her? You were setting up scenarios then and you still are. It is interesting how men like you brag about sleeping around and then refer to girls as SLUTTY?.... Why? If sleeping around makes you slutty...what are you? Why did you encourage girls to be 'slutty' with you since you consider their behavior to be such a horrible thing they were doing? Most often insecure people gravitate to multitudes of people of the opposite sex to build their egos. They have the mistaken notion that the more the better...when generally it is all shallow and superficial. Your gf is seeking attention as it builds her ego. As far as a tutu or bra top, that is no more than she would wear at a beach, so why did wearing that make her slutty? Your gf lacks self-esteem and is allowing peers, AND YOU, to tell her how she should behave. She needs to figure out what SHE wants without outside interference. She didn't have a father, and she was abused. It may? have something to do with why she seeks male attention, to prove something to herself, because a child being abandoned or abused by her father can inflict serious mental harm to the child. Instead of drama and scenes, express your feelings CALMLY and and allow her to express hers...., stop accusing, you might find she walks away less if you cut out the drama. I would walk away too if you treated me like that, especially in front of a crowd of friends and created a public scene. By the way, involving a crowd of people in your personal problems is not the way to go. Keep it between the two of you and cut out the drama.
Author jp88 Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 Thank you for the reply and for reading the whole thing I understand it was lengthy. I completely agree with you about manipulating situations and about it being less than satisfying to know that someone is acting in a certain way to please you rather than doing what would please them. I'm a very introspective person so I do understand that this is a detriment on my part. However, I have sacrificed a lot for her, changed a lot for her, and as I said she is constantly amazed with how well I treat her in every way aside from these situations. We talk about it frequently and because we are so intimate I'm able to tell her just what you said regarding how I'm manipulating the situation because of my insecurities or desire for more attention. I'm continuing to work on it. In reference to the slutty comment, I put it in quotations because that was something her friends had said, I never use that word in any connotation towards her because she simply is as far from that as I could imagine. You said that I caused a scene in front of her friends, but I didn't attempt to. I went in the room because I was too upset to fake a smile anymore and just wanted to get out of the party situation, but you are correct that I did so expecting her to come in after me. But she was the one who stormed out of her room causing the scene. I understand I have a lot of insecurities, and its something I need to work on and deal with before she becomes like the girls in my past (submissive). I love her because she's the only girl that has been willing to tell me I'm wrong and to push back, I don't want that to change. I guess I'm looking for how I can work towards that solution, how do you reassure yourself that the things she is doing are reasonable and you're not playing the fool or being taken advantage of? And furthermore, how do you attempt to be emotionally intelligent in situations like the one where I went to visit her, and instead of doing what I did, do what you suggested (ask her to come to the room for a second and articulate my feelings). I do appreciate the reply and it helps to have someone reiterate my need to change these things, and that the things she has done are not unreasonable. I'll keep workin, because although I can't imagine another relationship comparing to ours, this is an issue that will prove to affect all of my relationships negatively. Thanks again for the honesty.
Author jp88 Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 Oh and also, how would you suggest I have her help in the situation. When I explain to her why I'm doing some of the things I do, she asks how she can help, and usually I just tell her to stand her ground and not budge. Any other ideas?
nowomanocry Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 I'm not trying to be funny but she's just not the person you want to be with as far as I can see, therefore instead of trying to change her you should find someone else. Because we all fall in love with others and try to change them to become persons that we would idealise in our mind. So you are not in love with her but the person in your mind which seems is obviously not her You might be better off with other gurls as I can see it will even make you more stressed than fun being in a relationship with her. Last but not least, it's not fair for her too. She is being herself and you take it or leave it mate rather than confront bigger problems in the relationship in the future. All my best
maria_patheticsoul Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 OMG as i was reading your post i kind a remembered how was i during the first months of my relationship with my bf...me being the stubborn one and always challenging him and him being the nice guy who always want to talk things out....but i did change a lot for him just that last month he asked me to email him often and long ones...which i was not able to do for a time...it ticked him off bigtime...it is only now that i realized that it should be an effort coming from both that can make it work....guess too late now...he got tired and is now giving me my a doze of my own medicine...she is lucky to have i hope she will realize that sooner before it's too late.
Spiritofnow Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 (edited) JP88, I find your post very endearing ( I hope that doesn't come across as patronising). I find it endearing, because I gather from how some of your post reads that you are a fairly young man in years, and yet I sense you have wisdom and a great ability to be introspective and reflective. You do not need to be so hard on yourself. You want to change to be a better person and that shows a great strength of character. : ) Edited April 8, 2010 by Spiritofnow
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