feelingfine Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Well, first time posting...but I am 9 months into my separation. We have been married for 16 years 3 children. Same old story, same old song. My husband came to me one evening and just said he was done. That he didn't have feelings for me anymore and that he wanted to separate..."to see if he could have feelings for me or anyone else." Yep, he sure does. Left me for a 28 year old! He and I are both 41. He denied that there was someone else, until a few months later when I found a travel slip for he and her. GROSS! That is when he came clean. So, who knows how long this had been going on, but it is still. Seems of all I read, he is one of the few that don't say sorry and beg forgiveness. He said he has moved on and I should do the same. Sort of hard to do when I am home with three kids! He see's the kids from time to time, but is away from them far more than with them. So strange. I am still hurt, but thanks to a wonderful therapist I have been seeing, I am learning how to move forward. It is just so hard when suddenly you loose your partner/best friend/ confident etc. One day at a time I suppose! Thanks for listening.
biqboy42o Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 He was probably seeing this younger woman before he decided to break the horrible news to you. Sorry. NC with it.
You Go Girl Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 It sounds like you are being level headed through all of this. He's the one with the problem--mid life crisis and all that. Take good care of you! Take good care of your kids! But don't make excuses for dad. He is what he is. You don't have to cover up his neglect and take on the guilt he should be feeling, just because he's out boinking the girl when he should be spending time with his kids. You sound like you are coping very well...good for you. Keep your chin up.
FeelingLonely98 Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 YEP!! Sounds familiar ... MLC... My xw had a MLC and at age 47 left a good M for an 18 yr old child bf. Your H sounds like her. You are better off without him.. Start NC except where it involves the kids. Have you considered filing for D? Never could understand how a spouse leaves their spouse AND their kids behind. Wow, ... what a guy. Best Wishes to you ff. Sounds like you got a good grasp on all of this and you will come out of it just fine. You should try posting here and calling him your STBXH instead of your H. Something very liberating about that!
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 focus on your kids instead of this a-hole. I would expose him and let the fallout happen. Let him deal with the aftermath of the affair. It's the truth right? But if you dont want to do anything and take the high road that is fine as well.. Focus on your children they need you. Find someone that's gonna treat you right.
hopesndreams Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Well, first time posting...but I am 9 months into my separation. We have been married for 16 years 3 children. Same old story, same old song. My husband came to me one evening and just said he was done. That he didn't have feelings for me anymore and that he wanted to separate..."to see if he could have feelings for me or anyone else." Yep, he sure does. Left me for a 28 year old! He and I are both 41. He denied that there was someone else, until a few months later when I found a travel slip for he and her. GROSS! That is when he came clean. So, who knows how long this had been going on, but it is still. Seems of all I read, he is one of the few that don't say sorry and beg forgiveness. He said he has moved on and I should do the same. Sort of hard to do when I am home with three kids! He see's the kids from time to time, but is away from them far more than with them. So strange. I am still hurt, but thanks to a wonderful therapist I have been seeing, I am learning how to move forward. It is just so hard when suddenly you loose your partner/best friend/ confident etc. One day at a time I suppose! Thanks for listening. My 41 year old H left me for a 28 year old too. My H didn't beg for forgiveness either. I didn't give him much chance. He couldn't/wouldn't give up his "friend" so I made the choice for him. It's been a hellish year but it will soon be behind me. I didn't allow it to destroy me. Be tough.
FeelingLonely98 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 focus on your kids instead of this a-hole. I would expose him and let the fallout happen. Let him deal with the aftermath of the affair. It's the truth right? But if you dont want to do anything and take the high road that is fine as well.. Focus on your children they need you. Find someone that's gonna treat you right. Excellent advice - Exposure! This dirtbag doesn't deserve you.
Author feelingfine Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 Love all the feedback! I especially like your advice to call him my stbxh! I will from now on! I know we are all struggling in our own way, but also know we will get through this. Some days I am thrilled to not have to wait for him or do his laundry but others it is very hard. As you all know! Hope everyone has a good Thursday! Stay strong!
julkat Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I heard a great line tonight. Wisdom of an older Irishman... When a person shows you their true colours, don't argue with them! In other words, he cheated on you, he has broken your marriage covenants and bailed on both you and your kids (he will have to deal with the kids one day). No excuses for him. Don't look back - move forward. Most of all, be kind to yourself, think of yourself and not him. You can be happy. He may think he is, but probably never will be. Hugs!
Author feelingfine Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 No kidding...seeing his true colors and they are not bright. I am so tired of wondering if he is with her, or working or what he is doing. I try to shut off those thoughts and focus on what matters. I can't control what he is doing...never tried too. Maybe I gave him too much freedom. Always trusted him. I really wish I didn't have to have any contact with him, but with three children will have to for the rest of our lives. I wonder, do they really love each other? I hate that she now gets the good in him. All that was supposed to be mine. I said to him a long while back...just think if you would have put all of that positive energy you spent on her into your marriage. He said he had no interest in doing that. Nice. Oh well, the sun is coming out today, and I am going for sushi and martinis with some girlfriends so it should be a good day!
You Go Girl Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 No kidding...seeing his true colors and they are not bright. I am so tired of wondering if he is with her, or working or what he is doing. I try to shut off those thoughts and focus on what matters. I can't control what he is doing...never tried too. Maybe I gave him too much freedom. Always trusted him. I really wish I didn't have to have any contact with him, but with three children will have to for the rest of our lives. I wonder, do they really love each other? I hate that she now gets the good in him. All that was supposed to be mine. I said to him a long while back...just think if you would have put all of that positive energy you spent on her into your marriage. He said he had no interest in doing that. Nice. Oh well, the sun is coming out today, and I am going for sushi and martinis with some girlfriends so it should be a good day! Don't forget all the adulterous relationships end, and unhappily so. Their relationship is a recipe for disaster from the get-go. They're riding high on that they're rebels of tradition and society's rules...real renegades, eh? But it ALWAYS comes back to haunt them in their own relationship. Never seen a case where it didn't.
Author feelingfine Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Feeling sadly abandoned today for some reason. Why is it that some days I feel so good and others like this so bad. Maybe its the weekends that are so hard. Ugggg.... Any advice????
Gunny376 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Get up and get busy forever the rest of your life, put some moto (motivational music) on. Take the kids out and spend some quality fun time with them. etc. In short? Get moving and stay moving. Get out of the house and out from in front of the tv. The only time you stop? Is when you go to bed. Being as your fairly new to this and your wounds are still open and fresh, your attention span on and for anyone task will probally be short ~ but keep plugging away at it. Doesn't matter what you do? Just get off your duff and do something. Clean (Spring Cleaning??) the house, rearrange the furniture. Clean the cracks with Q-tips? The point is get your mind occupied. On another thread the OP is thinking of leaving his wife because she is preoccupied with her OCD and doesn't have time nor interest for sex. I'm not to take it to that extreme ~ but you get the jest?
Author feelingfine Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Thanks Gunny! the wood floors really do need to be cleaned!
Gunny376 Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Thanks Gunny! the wood floors really do need to be cleaned! It doesn't have to be all work. Throw in some fun activities for you and the kids, and then just for yourself. Get creative about it, there are a lot of things that you could do that don't cost money. If you won't to live differently than others (that are going through this)? Then live your life differently that others.
Author feelingfine Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 Made it through the weekend! Had NC and made it. While he is out on the town all weekend. Didn't even try to see the kids. Pathetic. How is it that a man can literally just walk away from the family? Doesn't he even think of the kids...I can see walking away from me, fine, whatever. But these are his children. I guess its too hard to have a new lover and be a dad.
nowomanocry Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Thanks Gunny! the wood floors really do need to be cleaned! "Feeling sadly abandoned today for some reason. Why is it that some days I feel so good and others like this so bad. Maybe its the weekends that are so hard. Ugggg.... Any advice???? " Hello! for 1st one we can come over and help you with the cleaning . If you need any repair tasks as well, need a plumber, electrician etc. let us know 2nd quote : yeah, that sounds like me, one day up one day down, driving me crazy, Gunner as usual have given you some good hints what I can add is go out with friends to have a night out - dine, wine dancing like (I know it's hard with 3 kids lol but try at least. Meet new people and try to change scene if you can even for a while. Try to stay at crowded and cheerful places, stay away from pessimists (like me lol), call your family, arrange a visit to them, talk to an old mate to get everything out of your chest etc - AT SHORT BE ACTIVE AND NEVER STOP Let us know how ya doing please - tc
Gunny376 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 There's that and then you want to put yourself in a 'state of mind' of one of your happiest times. One of mine was traveling back to Parris Island through Georgia in a 69' Pontiac Firebird with the top down, the sun shinning down, my Raybands on and Peter Framtion playing "I love your way" on the radio. At that one moment in time? All was 'right' with the world.
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