Honest Assistance Needed

[Lakemalt]

Honest Assistance Needed.

 

Hi everyone, this is a long post an overview of my situation leading to the current situation, any positive input would be greatly appreciated. I know my wife has been treated very badly, that I am a scumbag, although I have given and built the relationship, i need genuine advice not abuse or ridicule. To those of you out there who have experienced something similar to me, you will know that sometimes these things just happen, and yes you feel bad but also good too, a strange place and obviously very destructive spiral but all the same you carry on.

 

I have a wife, nearly 4 years in marriage, been together over 10, now in my early 30's. Around the six year mark i started a new job, a girl works there who i've known for years. We've always got on but never been in such close proximity. We notice we get on very very well whilst in a closer working environment - confusion begins!

 

We are both in relationships but as time progresses our flirtatiousness grows, we fight it but a year in we both admit that over weekends we miss each other like crazy. Now, we admit that we love our partners but also that we are experiencing a whole new level of emotion and feelings here - what should we do - ignore it, it'll go away, we can just be really good friends, it'll be fine.

 

It won't! We fought it, i mean really fought it but i'm afraid to say temptation finally got us. I had to pick a birthday gift up for my niece and my work friend offered to come with me to keep me company, good idea/bad idea. We get the gift and wander back to my car, we get in. She asks me the following question: Would it be so bad if we kissed, just to see what it's like? My response was I don't know, perhaps we shouldn't. She responds with she thinks it would be ok, so we do. It was like pure electricity, an unbelievable feeling, we kiss again for about 20mins.

 

To cut a very long story short, I resisted a while longer after this, concentrating on my wife to be, but not long after, I went back to my work friends house to help with something, we talked and kissed and she ended up performing a sex act on me, again she completely pressed all my buttons. This activity grew and we were soon being very intimate, full sex didn't start for a while though. Throughout all of this, i pulled away to varying degrees but ultimately it always restarted until i was to get married. I stopped it, completely with great resolve. I got married, i completely wanted it and had made my peace with my mistake. I aimed to be a good faithful husband.

 

You know what's coming - I failed. The affair restarted in the same pattern, together - apart - together - completely infatuated with each other. We talked about leaving our partners but neither of us did, eventually my work friend got engaged. She for the first time pulled away from me, we had weeks of heated discussions, she admitted she was hurt about my actions and wanted a nice life, babies and was only getting older. I pursued her and we fell into our old routine.

 

Eventually she became disillusioned with her home life and found the courage to leave him and partly as she wanted me, it almost broke her but we had each other, although we weren't sure where we headed.

 

Once single, the rules obviously changed for her and she became more demanding of me, i gave it but i couldn't leave my wife - why? I don't know, I just had an odd nagging feeling.

 

It came to around Xmas 2008, I continued to lead a double life. I took my wife up to where her father is buried, I had a moment of clarity and in the time between Xmas and NYE i finished it - AGAIN!! Tears rolled on both sides, my resolve wavered and we agreed to be close and see what happened. I tried to encourage my work lover to look for new love - she did reluctantly, she went on some dates, kissed a couple of frogs but wanted me still. She then met a guy at a concert, she liked him. He visited at a weekend from out of town, she went completely cold on me. I lost it, texted and rang right up until early hours, she wouldn't admit he was staying, i knew he was and the state she was in, she was desperate for love (sex was love for her). I ruined it for her by turning up at her doorstep on the sunday morning and shouting that she said she loved me. I tried after that to put it right but he'd bolted, and i severely regret my actions. I also know that he stayed in her bed, she swore nothing happened but she wouldn't admit it even if she had had sex with him, she thought of herself as a proper lady who didn't do things like that. Anyway its in the past, i started sleeping with her again. We worked through it, this was late Jan 09 and things got ridiculously intense between us. She started pressuring me to leave my wife and home, I found that I was starting to neglect my home life and wife and on top of all that i became clinically depressed, I found solace in my lovers arms and it invariably led to sex or intimacy without much effort, this continued with varying ups and downs over the next 4 or so months. I spoke with my wife over a few weeks, said i was very unhappy with our life and how we had become, she agreed and we decided to separate although still living under the same roof.

 

This was a very difficult time, I was so confused, my work lover was on my mind constantly, my wife who was and is completely innocent was hurting unbearably, I couldn't cope and fell further into depression.

 

Then a completely leftfield event took place, my work lover left the company and started working for a competitor (we did discuss it and she didn't want to leave as she was worried about us not seeing each other, however we concluded it would be ok). Wrong, this put a strain on us as it seriously cut down our time together, on Top of that after she had Left my wife had a serious fall at work and the way things worked out I was the only capable person of caring for her. This was awkward and strange after all we were going through, however it did bring us closer together and I started thinking that if i left I would be walking away from something true and beautiful (something I had lost sight of, mainly because my lover suited my sex drive more, although I must stress that our relationship was far more meaningful than sex).

 

So, we continued until August 09 and then I made a decision, something that I am trying to deal with and stand by to this very moment and where I need some level-headed non-judgmental person/s to help me. I stopped the affair - AGAIN and decided i had to give my marriage a go. This went down very badly with my lover and over the course of the next 2 months we argued and fought, she not surprisingly completely lost it and demanded that we were so nearly together that I abandon my injured wife and be with her. I could not do this, it felt wrong and evil. I resisted the temptation of kissing or being drawn into the 'look what you're missing' trap, it was hard and at times i could have just fallen back into my lovers arms and bed and forgotten all of the reality. I'm proud that i didn't but also wracked with so many emotions about what to do now. I have not been in contact with my work lover in person since about the 8th December which was a very fraught angry conversation which ended with a strangely awkward hug and a perhaps we should have some time to get over this and then on December 15th 09, the last contact came when she saw me in my car and then texted the usual, is this ok for you, is it what you want, you've hurt me so much and promised you'd never leave me, good at keeping promises aren't you. I didn't respond at all. I have heard on the grapevine that she started seeing someone just before Xmas 09, who dumped her just before New Year saying he couldn't do this and I have also heard that she is trying to rekindle something with a guy she went to college with, she apparently only kissed him, (she told me previously about him trying to get in contact with her which is how I know that, I also know that she said she didn't really fancy him!). Another thing I have heard is she still talks about me, she is upset with no contact and can't understand how we could be so close to now be at nothing. All signs that she wants me in her life, i think you'll agree, but I don't want her to be hurt if she thinks more might happen or for her to get angry if I ignore or deflect advances.

 

Okay a final part that has only happened in the last week (19th Feb) this is after 2 months No Contact, maybe I'm reading to much into but here goes. A mutual friend of mine and my lover,who knows what our situation was, texted me completely out of the blue to see how I'm doing etc, I wait a day to reply, which I word carefully saying I'm okay and getting on but with no indication to good or bad. I then have to wait a day for reply but in it she mentions she is seeing my ex-lover in a couple of days, I am yet to reply but I have read this as a sign that my ex-lover is tentatively reaching out. Now what do I do, I really want to see my ex-lover and talk with her. However is this a good idea?

If we see eachother, I'm pretty sure we could very easily respark it all, we were very hot together and in tune.

 

So I'm very confused, please help me, I would be so grateful for any help or advice. If you want any more info, just shout. Thanks

[GrayClouds]

I recommend going to your wife and asking her opinion. If you do not think that is a good idea, then I suspect you know what you need to doing.

[sunrae]

My first thought is you need to go to counseling, on your own and try to figure out what is you want... It's not fair to anyone in this situation for you to keep going back and fourth...

 

Second, if you TRUELY want to work things out with your wife, you need to change your phone number and cut off ALL contact with your exgirlfriend. How can you truely focus on rebuilding a relationship with your wife, when you have someone else (who you still have feeling for) keeps pulling on your heart strings...

Also you need to tell your friend that, you are working on your marriage with your wife and to please respect that decision and not keep you informed of what is going on in your ex's life.

 

That is the nicest response and opinion that I can give you.