My husband's emotional affair is a nightmare for me (correct version)

[nofirstnames]

I'm reading this thread and asking myself is this for real? Ahell, you seem like an intelligent, articulate woman. No doubt you're desire to keep your family intact is clouding your judgement right now. There are so many things wrong with this situation, that I don't even know where to start. Do you agree that the strongest influence on a child is the same sex parent? That said, what kind of example is H setting for your son (assuming you have one)? Would you want your daughter to accept the situation you've resigned yourself to? And your DAD! OMG, I'll get to him later. Don't kid yourself by believing your kids don't know what's going on. Depending on their ages, they may not have words for it, but they know on some level that things are not as wonderful as you want them to think they are. Now that you know the reality of what staying in a marriage like this really does to children, maybe divorce isn't so bad.

 

Furthermore, I mean no disrespect to your father because you obviously value his opinion, but what a load of crap he fed you! If my SIL was treating my daughter this way, and she came to me for advice, I would never condone his behavior! WTF is wrong with him? He gave you the worst advice ever! Your H's desire will not just die. Correction, it may...with her, but if you continue to sit idly by and don't make any noise, he WILL find another AP after this one fizzles out. Because unless and until you and your H acknowledge that there is something wrong within you, within him, and the marriage, you will never be enough. The simple fact that he feels he needs to go outside the marriage to feel complete should be enough to clue you both in.

 

My best advice is to force him to commit to fixing your marriage now! He gets counseling, you get counseling, get the kids in family counseling, and if you still think he deserves a second chance, then you get MC. I admire you for wanting to do the best for your family, but you shouldn't have to be the only one making sacrifices. Seriously, hon. This situation will drive you into major depression if it continues. And while you're slowly losing grip, H gets a free pass! See what I mean...unbelievable!

[2sunny]

My plan is to give him time.

Time for his passion to subside.

If he were ill I would stick through his illness and help him get well.

Being in love resembles so much being sick.

And whatever you say to a person who is in love with someone else is of no use. He won't hear logic.

Time for our family to win him back , one step at a time.

I told him he is free to stay or go.

He chose to stay. So that 's a point for me

I told him I WILL NOT BE A DOORMAT or a surrendered wife.

I asked him to love me, care about me and show that to me.

I confessed I NO LONGER WANT US TO HURT EACH OTHER AND FIGHT.

But I made it clear that if he accepts that we will continue together side by side.

I see signs that he is trying. For one thing the phone bill shows a decrease in the number of phone calls. He is calmer and seems happier.

I know it's hard for him. BOTH OF THEM are ambitious and SHARE THE SAME WORK dreams and they can't change jobs. He sees her only at work.

But I do have a deadline in mind. If by that time things have not changed I will tell her husband and see what happens.

 

he has this relationship with her because YOU allow it. why are you rewarding bad behavior? are you so afraid to be alone that you allow your H to have an OW in his life - one that he makes a priority over you and the marriage?

 

it looks like it.

 

put your foot down - set a boundary and say NO!!!! tell him - no trip this week, with her. no communication. tell her husband! yes, tell her husband! he has a right to know too.

 

when you set a solid boundary and he is forced to take action - things will start to look very different... especially if he starts to understand that he is about to lose you and the life he knows - which includes everything he's worked so hard to keep in place.

 

pull the rug off of the deception and reveal the truth - that will force a few people to change things. as it stands, you are just going along with the deception and cover up, which will produce nothing but heartache and pain for you and your family. he has asked you to sit in the back seat and be a spectator to his affair - is that good enough for you? if you go along with this, you are giving approval by being a spectator and will have nothing to complain about later mainly because you are agreeing to what he is asking by not speaking up and saying "this is not ok with me" you deserve more, better.

 

by saying it's not ok - he will come to understand that he needs to change things - and the first thing is to stop putting his OW before his W and family.

 

speak up! speak your truth and have a voice - otherwise you are getting railroaded into submission for a very minor role in your M by your own merit. do not settle for this back seat role he is asking of you, it's simply not good enough.

[scatterd]

I was anything but passive when it happened to me It seems the enemy is a little to close for comfort you need to tell her husband.

[scatterd]

Hello ahell im wondering how u are has anything changed for you I hope you

Are doing ok.

[AsTearsGoBy]

I am so sad and angry for you. Leave that selfish, heartless low life please!!!!

[Ahell]

Well,

Today was a good day. I feel like you are all very quick to seek the divorce option. Why is this so?

If you knew my husband and me would you be so eager to do so? Especially after 20 years of being together, creating a family, supporting his career, having mutual friends.

I can't keep wondering that he hadn't had enough experience when he met me, so maybe now in his forties he feels he has missed out on that.

I try to feel his POV. Unlike him I do have empathy for him.

I think he is so fortunate to have a wife like me who has not left him even though he has hurt me so much

I cannot just switch off a button and unlove him in a day.And I guess he can't do that for the OW so I am giving him time.

And the statistics say that the average affair lasts 2 years. So I am optimistic about it.

[scatterd]

I knew this OW that was seeing this married man.His wife found out they was having an affair she beleived he was such a wonderful man she told him to go get this affair out of his system that she loves him.So he did with in six months he left her and his children for the OW and they are married now.I love my husband and I will not share him with anyone why be married.I hope this turns out ok for you but I do not think so.Good luck hope you will be ok.

[ladydesigner]

update

Well,

Today was a good day. I feel like you are all very quick to seek the divorce option. Why is this so?

If you knew my husband and me would you be so eager to do so? Especially after 20 years of being together, creating a family, supporting his career, having mutual friends.

I can't keep wondering that he hadn't had enough experience when he met me, so maybe now in his forties he feels he has missed out on that.

I try to feel his POV. Unlike him I do have empathy for him.

I think he is so fortunate to have a wife like me who has not left him even though he has hurt me so much

I cannot just switch off a button and unlove him in a day.And I guess he can't do that for the OW so I am giving him time.

And the statistics say that the average affair lasts 2 years. So I am optimistic about it.

 

Well it sounds like you are okay with your husband having a mistress then. To each's own I guess:confused:

 

Maybe you should approach your husband with the option of an open marriage. Then the affair would not have to be hidden.

[White Flower]

It's been a while since I found out by overhearing a telephone conversation that my husband has been having an affair with one of his collegues.

 

I've talked to him and he says he still loves me and he doesn't want a divorce because the children need a family but he feels in love with this other woman who is also married, with 2 little boys and apparently loves her husband.

 

I feel so desperate. He doesn't want me to see me crying and he doesn't want me to tell our parents because more people will get hurt.

 

This is too painful to go through it alone. He has hurt me so much and hasn't even apologised because he says he hasn't done anything wrong.

 

He wasn't looking for anybody. It just happened...and he wants to continue having his family and his mistress (who is an excellent scientist). He has been hiding the truth- not lying and he thinks there is a big difference! And he also says they have few opportunities of seeing each other because of their work schedules and families. But the phone bills have proof that he calls her 4-5 times a day.

 

How can anything be the same now that I know? I feel like 21 years of my life I've been living with a stranger.

 

Can anything good come out of a situation like this?

 

He said that if we get to know each other we will like each other and that if we were mormons or muslims we could all live happily ever after, in a big house for 7 (I guess her husband would just disappear miraculusly) The really bad thing is that on Sunday they are both flying to Europe for a course.

 

Now it's one thing hurting someone without their knowledge and another to do it in front of their eyes...

 

It is the worst mid-life crisis he could ever have. Because he has been in this situation for so long in the summer he had a cyst removed that was as big as a plum - he thought it could be cancer- so he decided all these things by himself.He wants everything. A huge career, a happy family and an elegant mistress.

 

I told him that the situation resembles a bad pimple of acne. You ve just got to squeeze it, to eliminate it. I can forgive what he has done so far but I cannot forgive his future deeds.

 

He said he can't live like this anymore. He needs to focus on his job because he has many responsibilities and that he needs to come home to a serene environment and if I can't get over it and handle the situation it would make him get away. I think he is relieved now that he has no reason to lie or as he says hide the truth. He said he found a new friend and that I shouldn't act possessively or feel jealous because he needs to feel free, to have time for himself...He is infatuated, he admires her so much... Nothing I say will make him change his mind. He says he doesn't want a divorce now because he has't stop caring about us but if this goes on what will happen in the future? I want to save my marriage but he won't see a councellor or a priest. I 'm the only one who feels the concequences of his actions.How can we go on pretending we have a healthy marriage? How can he act lovingly towards me and then go on a trip with her? And what drives me even more crazy is that he takes no protection!!! Now we are at least 4 in bed, because heaven knows what her husband is doing behind her back???? It's like a nightmare. I can't think of anything else.

 

I've been surfing on the net and the average time an affair last is 2 years!! A mid life crisis may last 10!!

 

I married my husband for better , for worse , in sickness and in health till death do us part. I want to win him back but I know it's going to take long and it's going to be hard. But after this storm the calmness will be so soothing.

 

I don't believe an ultimatum is a good idea because it may make him leave altogether

 

But if this happens I will also give him the kids so he can try to be both mother and father to them!

 

I 'll see them at weekends and we'll have all the fun. We'llsee if he can manage work, kids and mistress!!!

 

He counts on me being there for the kids but I 've had enough of them . Let him deal with adolescence! He'll come begging!

 

He wants to let time pass and see what happens. He says that his family and carreer are his priorities but he is not willing to choose between her and me. He wants to continue being a collegue and a friend to her and is asking me to support him and create a calm environment for him! He said you can't just stop loving a person. He insists that it did not surprise him to fall in love after 21 years , that it is natural to love 2 people at the same time and that I SHOULD FEEL LUCKY she is an educated, mature, lovable person and not a whore or homewrecker. because she wants to keep her family safe as well. If this isn't insanity then tell me what is? My life is worse than a soap opera right now.

 

I have called her at home in an attempt to learn from her sth more, she agreed to meet but then got scared her hudband might figure it out and told my husband who got furious about me doing that. He says we are both imature and can't meet yet!

 

The scary thing is that she is in love too and doesn't want to let go. I don't think she is a home wrecker at all. If she were my husband wouldn't have anything to do with her. He could have had anyone he wished. The temptations were all around him. This started out as work, became friendship and got out of hand, they realised it , maybe fought against it, succumpt, I found out and now they have to face the situation. Believe me, they are not having fun at all.They keep thinking of all the people who might get hurt .

 

I have to win my husband back. It's like we have had a sea voyage with minor problems so far and now we are facing the biggest storm of all. I can't simply quit the ship. I have to fight and bring it to the port. And when it is all over I will be standing on deck.

 

Any ideas on how I can make this happen?

Please don't call an A a midlife crisis. It only serves to believe this is just a storm or a hurdle that can easily be overcome. It won't be easy--you are in the fight of your life.

 

He doesn't want a divorce because she doesn't. If she did, he possibly would.

 

Your parents don't need to know. Tell your best friend--you need one now.

 

He should apologize even if he feels he did nothing wrong. He did lead you on to believe he was going to be faithful to you and he hasn't. He didn't neccessarily tell you lies but he did omit the truth of being unfaithful.

 

You are not Mormons nor Muslims. Come on. But you might actually like her if you met her, that could be true. But saying something like that shows he is defending her and I would hope he is defending you to her as well.

 

What IS crazy is his expectation that you will take on this new idea of him having two wives; changing all your beliefs, and changing your ideas on the vows he took on your wedding day.

 

My guess is that he knows you'll stay. I hate to suggest the thing you don't want to hear, but I would kick him out and/or give him an ultimatum. Show him you do have the guts to do it, that you are strong and mean what you say. Oh, and send the kids too. How in the world can he expect you to make a peaceful home for him when he's doing this to you? It is outrageous and ridiculous.

 

I am an OW. If I were your H's OW I would lose all respect for him. He is asking you to do the unthinkable. He is asking you to be open to new ideas and to be calm and peaceful in the worst and possibly longest storm of your life. What a azz!

 

How about you calmly and elegantly tell him he is to find an apartment and take the kids with him. She can bring her kids to visit and see how calm and peaceful they end up while doing all their research together?

 

OTOH, if he just made a decision and left I could respect him, at least that takes guts. He is some piece of work.

 

Sorry this post is so choppy. I've gone back and read your OP several times and added more thoughts to my post.

 

Good luck with all of this, I really feel for you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Well,

Today was a good day. I feel like you are all very quick to seek the divorce option. Why is this so?

If you knew my husband and me would you be so eager to do so? Especially after 20 years of being together, creating a family, supporting his career, having mutual friends.

I can't keep wondering that he hadn't had enough experience when he met me, so maybe now in his forties he feels he has missed out on that.

I try to feel his POV. Unlike him I do have empathy for him.

I think he is so fortunate to have a wife like me who has not left him even though he has hurt me so much

I cannot just switch off a button and unlove him in a day.And I guess he can't do that for the OW so I am giving him time.

And the statistics say that the average affair lasts 2 years. So I am optimistic about it.

 

 

On one hand, you are an OW's dream - full access to MM and you won't say nary a word about it. On the other hand, it is also an OW's worst nightmare - the chance of him leaving you for the OW is very, very low. Pretty near zero.

 

My grandmother did what you are doing. The OW was a nurse in the military and my grandfather was apparently one of her patients when he was injured in the Philippines. Her picture is even in one of the family photo albums. It was an open secret, more or less. My grandfather never left my grandmother nor did he treat her any differently just because he was having an affair. I'm sure my grandmother was not surprised, as he literally left a woman standing at the altar (didn't show up for the wedding) in order to be with my grandmother.

 

He never left her. When she died, he died not long after - literally unable to live any more without her. He was entirely dependent on her.

 

I suppose if you are ok with your husband being with someone else, and being in love with someone else while you keep house, then there is no reason to divorce. I seriously doubt he'd leave you. No reason to. You let him have what he wants. I don't know that the affair will end in two years if at all. The OW is limited as well, and there is only so much of a relationship they can have. When neither MOW or MM want to leave their marriages, it can go on indefinitely.

 

If the affair does not end, are you ok with that?

[White Flower]

Well,

Today was a good day. I feel like you are all very quick to seek the divorce option. Why is this so?

If you knew my husband and me would you be so eager to do so? Especially after 20 years of being together, creating a family, supporting his career, having mutual friends.

I can't keep wondering that he hadn't had enough experience when he met me, so maybe now in his forties he feels he has missed out on that.

I try to feel his POV. Unlike him I do have empathy for him.

I think he is so fortunate to have a wife like me who has not left him even though he has hurt me so much

I cannot just switch off a button and unlove him in a day.And I guess he can't do that for the OW so I am giving him time.

And the statistics say that the average affair lasts 2 years. So I am optimistic about it.

You need to read these boards as well as the OM/OW board. Affairs can last for as long as the affair couple lives. 30, 40, even 50 years. If your H is defending his R with the OW, my guess is it will last much longer than 2 years. You need to do something now.

 

You have empathy for him, but he does not have empathy for you. You sound like me several years ago with my exH. I was M over 20 years and I finally quit having empathy for someone who could not return it. Have some pride in yourself! Someone who loves you is supposed to have empathy for you!

 

We don't neccessarily want you to D. We want you to stand up for yourself and win him back knowing you could lose him if you threaten D. These things happen to make us stronger. If you let it go on, trust me, it will go on forever.

 

And he knows how lucky he is, trust me. He counted on it all along.

[scatterd]

I am wondering how much age difference is between you.This seems so odd that you would allow him to be with someone else.Read you are being too layed back your giving them more time to connect.I find this hard to beleive It seems like the OW pretending to be wife.Im sorry this just seems odd.Are you religous you act as though she can join the family.Do not let him take advantage of you but I guess your convinced this is the best.Are you hoping he will love you more for this?

[PhoenixRise]

Ahell

 

You seem to think 2 years is the magic number and if you can wait out the 2 years the affair will disapper and all will be well. You should go and check out the OW forum here. There are many affairs that last well beyond 2 years. There are APs posting here who have been involved with the MM for 4, 5, 18 years. There is no guarantee it will be over in 2 years. AND why should it? For the WS and OW this is a perfect set up. They get to have all the wonderful passionate parts of having a relationship and they have YOU to take care of the kids and home life.

 

Did it ever occur to you that as your H invests more and more emotionally into the OW he will invest less in you and the M and then even if you manage to wait them out and the affair goes away in 2 years your H may not be willing or able to reinvest in you or the M?

[White Flower]

Are you religous you act as though she can join the family.Do not let him take advantage of you but I guess your convinced this is the best.Are you hoping he will love you more for this?

I was going to ask a similar question. You said he wouldn't go see a priest; are you Catholic? If so, does he still spend time in Church? Did you believe your faith sealed and secured a lifetime of loyalty in your M?

 

My MM is Catholic too and always sited 'Catholic Guilt' as a reason to stay in the M. I called BS on it though and he no longer says it.

 

BTW, MM is in counseling (IC-individual counseling) and dealing with a life decision. I think at the very least you should suggest MC for your H and in the very least IC.

[scatterd]

I agree you are playing with your future and life with this man have you considered getting some kind of counsiling.You both need to get closer

he is getting his way.She gets all the pleasure and you get whats left.At first you was upset now you seem like you are fine with it why the change?

[Hazyhead]

AHell, I think to post this thread in the first place there is a part of you, even if it's not huge (yet) that is screaming out 'This isn't right!' You have 180'd from your original post and that in itself shows, in my opinion, your insecurity here, a valid insecurity I might add. You may be having a better day today in which coping with it and getting through the 'two years' is doable, but those days when you do not feel so sure that it will all work out will tear at your heart, probably increasingly more frequently. AHell, You know deep down that you and your marriage deserve better than this AHole behaviour.

[SuburbanOblivion]

Don't feed the troll, guys.

[Ahell]

He is a year older. She is 2 years younger than me.

I ve used parts of my diary in explaining the facts over a period of 6 months.

During this time he has tried his best to devote time, money and attention to us. The only time they see each other is at work. They both cannot change jobs even if they wanted.

I made it clear that I don't want his emotional affair to turn into a physical one (although i suspect they may have crossed that line)

He said he wants her in his life and I should see her as a friend.

She is a valuable member of his work team. I admire her too for what she does. She likes me too for what I do. It's so weird!

[SarahRose]

He is a year older. She is 2 years younger than me.

I ve used parts of my diary in explaining the facts over a period of 6 months.

During this time he has tried his best to devote time, money and attention to us. The only time they see each other is at work. They both cannot change jobs even if they wanted.

I made it clear that I don't want his emotional affair to turn into a physical one (although i suspect they may have crossed that line)

He said he wants her in his life and I should see her as a friend.

She is a valuable member of his work team. I admire her too for what she does. She likes me too for what I do. It's so weird!

 

 

So he is ok if you find a lover too?

[Ahell]

he would not feel threatened or jealous. I n fact when we were on our first year he let me spend the weekend with my ex boyfriend-first love and has never asked me how it went...

[angie2443]

Another poster on these boards once said that unconditional love can be a dangerous thing. I can't help thinking of this as I read this thread.

[KikiW]

I'm very confused...

 

You seem open to a polyamorous relationship, but one of the core beliefs here is that there MUST be open communication where everyone is free to make their feelings known and respected.

 

He has clearly subscribed to this, except for putting you in the loop before anything happened and respecting your feelings on the subject.

 

And you seem to be ok with the fact that he did this behind your back and expects you to be ok with the arrangement - whether you ultimately WOULD have been ok with it, he was still deceptive and is dismissive of YOU.

 

How are you ok with that? How do you justify decisions being made about your relationship without your consent? Regardless of how you can intellectually look at the situation and find a calm and rational way to find respect for him and for her, neither have given you the respect YOU deserve. How are you ok with being treated that way?

 

I'm sorry, there is a lot about this I can KIND OF see from certain points of view, but I cannot get past the utter disrespect. Maybe it's just me.

[BettyBoop]

He said he wants her in his life and I should see her as a friend.

 

She is not your friend and you should by no means see her as such. Your husband is definitely not your friend either. He is a cake eater who wants it all and has no respect for you.

[Confused4Now]

She is not your friend and you should by no means see her as such. Your husband is definitely not your friend either. He is a cake eater who wants it all and has no respect for you.

Agreed with this....he has made it clear you are part of HIS plan but not your business partner!!!!

[scatterd]

thinking troll 2 of them.