My husband's emotional affair is a nightmare for me

[Ahell]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]It's been a while since I found out by overhearing a telephone conversation that my husband has been having an affair with one of his collegues.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I've talked to him and he says he still loves me and he doesn't want a divorce because the children need a family but he feels in love with this other woman who is also married, with 2 little boys and apparently loves her husband.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I feel so desperate. He doesn't want me to see me crying and he doesn't want me to tell our parents because more people will get hurt.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]This is too painful to go through it alone. He has hurt me so much and hasn't even apologised because he says he hasn't done anything wrong.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]He wasn't looking for anybody. It just happened...and he wants to continue having his family and his mistress (who is an excellent scientist). He has been hiding the truth- not lying and he thinks there is a big difference! And he also says they have few opportunities of seeing each other because of their work schedules and families. But the phone bills have proof that he calls her 4-5 times a day.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]How can anything be the same now that I know? I feel like 21 years of my life I've been living with a stranger.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Can anything good come out of a situation like this?[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He said that if we get to know each other we will like each other and that if we were mormons or muslims we could all live happily ever [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]after, in[/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] a big house for 7 (I guess her husband would just disappear miraculusly) The really bad thing is that on Sunday they are both flying to Europe for a course.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Now it's one thing hurting someone without their knowledge and another to do it in front of their eyes...[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]It is the worst mid-life crisis he could ever have. Because he has been in this situation for so long in the summer he had a cyst removed that was as big as a plum - he thought it could be cancer- so he decided all these things by himself.He wants everything. A huge career, a happy family and an elegant mistress.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I told him that the situation resembles a bad pimple of acne. You ve just got to squeeze it, to eliminate it. I can forgive what he has done so far but I cannot forgive his future deeds.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]He said he can't live like this anymore. He needs to focus on his job because he has many responsibilities and that he needs to come home to a serene environment and if I can't get over it and handle the situation it would make him get away. I think he is relieved now that he has no reason to lie or as he says hide the truth. He said he found a new friend and that I shouldn't act possessively or feel jealous because he needs to feel free, to have time for himself...He is infatuated, he admires her so much... Nothing I say will make him change his mind. He says he doesn't want a divorce now because he has't stop caring about us but if this goes on what will happen in the future? I want to save my marriage but he won't see a councellor or a priest. I 'm the only one who feels the concequences of his actions.How can we go on pretending we have a healthy marriage? How can he act lovingly towards me and then go on a trip with her? And what drives me even more crazy is that he takes no protection!!! Now we are at least 4 in bed, because heaven knows what her husband is doing behind her back???? It's like a nightmare. I can't think of anything else.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I've been surfing on the net and the average time an affair last is 2 years!! A mid life crisis may last 10!![/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I married my husband for better , for worse , in sickness and in health till death do us part. I want to win him back but I know it's going to take long and it's going to be hard. But after this storm the calmness will be so soothing.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I don't believe an ultimatum is a good idea because it may make him leave altogether[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]But if this happens I will also give him the kids so he can try to be both mother and father to them![/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I 'll see them at weekends and we'll have all the fun. We'llsee if he can manage work, kids and mistress!!![/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]He counts on me being there for the kids but I 've had enough of them . Let him deal with adolescence! He'll come begging![/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]He wants to let time pass and see what happens. He says that his family and carreer are his priorities but he is not willing to choose between her and me. He wants to continue being a collegue and a friend to her and is asking me to support him and create a calm environment for him! He said you can't just stop loving a person. He insists that it did not surprise him to fall in love after 21 years , that it is natural to love 2 people at the same time and that I SHOULD FEEL LUCKY she is an educated, mature, lovable person and not a whore or homewrecker. because she wants to keep her family safe as well. If this isn't insanity then tell me what is? My life is worse than a soap opera right now.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I have called her at home in an attempt to learn from her sth more, she agreed to meet but then got scared her hudband might figure it out and told my husband who got furious about me doing that. He says we are both imature and can't meet yet![/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]The scary thing is that she is in love too and doesn't want to let go. I don't think she is a home wrecker at all. If she were my husband wouldn't have anything to do with her. He could have had anyone he wished. The temptations were all around him. This started out as work, became friendship and got out of hand, they realised it , maybe fought against it, succumpt, I found out and now they have to face the situation. Believe me, they are not having fun at all.They keep thinking of all the people who might get hurt .[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I have to win my husband back. It's like we have had a sea voyage with minor problems so far and now we are facing the biggest storm of all. I can't simply quit the ship. I have to fight and bring it to the port. And when it is all over I will be standing on deck.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Any ideas on how I can make this happen?[/FONT][/sIZE]

[KikiW]

I'm sorry I had a trouble reading your post because of the font style crap in there, but I think I get the gist of what's going on...

 

Your husband is strongly emotionally attached to someone else, but wants to live in some fantasy land where you are ok with it. You can be his housekeeper, and cook, and raise the children, while he wines and dines this lovely other lady?

 

Perhaps some women can be ok with that arrangement, but you are obviously NOT ok with this. You appear to be trying very hard to find a resolution that will appease everyone, and I applaud you for trying, but he's really screwed up. And the worst part is he thinks this is ok and that you should be ok with it. He has no regards for your feelings whatsoever.

 

He doesn't want you telling friends or family because they will be hurt? Oh but hurting YOU is ok? Honey, tell them. Tell them ALL.

 

You need to protect yourself. AND you need to take care of your kids. Make sure he does that.

 

Oh so much more to say on the subject but no time now, have to run to a doctor appointment. Someone else weigh in.

[KikiW]

Sorry, I just saw the "correct version" - my bad. Will catch up later.