sexually incompatible greedy or what?

[beerpong]

Hi i've been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years now 1 of which was long distance. We now live together and our relationship is pretty good except i find myself sexually frustrated aLOT. thats why im on here right now as a matter of fact. It's come to the point where i don't even try and be romantic and work my way into it, im so tired of just getting "nooo" or having her fall asleep not getting the hint or having the drive that i just straight up ask "Wanna have sex tonight". Just so i know if im not getting any so i don't waste my time trying. We're both in our lower 20s and i never imagined having my sex life feeling like it's all going down hill so young. I admit it's not exactly as exciting as when your first with a new person and doing it for the first 10-20 times but at least i still try. I would say on average we have sex once every 6-7 days(i try at LEAST once every 3 days unless something is really wrong) and i feel like i have to f***ing beg for it when i do get it. She comes onto me seriously probably once every 2-3 weeks at the most.

 

I ask her if she's just not that into me and she says yes she is but i don't think so or she would obviously want it more right? I could understand if that were true because we werent really a first sight jump in the bed couple we talked for months and months as friends beforehand and i never really looked at her in the beginning as a girl id want to have sex with because she's a bit bigger and that's pretty much my biggest turnoff. But putting that aside i think about everything i do like about her and it's still enough to make me want to at least try every few days.

 

Im wondering if we are just completely sexually incompatible and it's going to keep getting worse and worse as years go on, which would suck because i kind of always saw myself with a person that would feel the same as me about it but im not sold if i ended up with one. Don't get me wrong i love her to death she's my everything but isn't sex a positive thing for 2 people that love eachother? Also you know how sometimes your with a girl and you can just feel the sexual tension?.. ya we never really had that honestly. i wasn't physically attracted to her like that when we first started dating i loved her personality and everything else. idk if she felt the same about me physically but i didnt feel like it because she was always grabby and touchy touchy in public so i thought she was pretty satisfied to be showing the whole world . idk if i should have took the physical side more seriously when considering being with her when we were new but i didn't think it would matter as much as it does now. i don't just give up i get GRUMPY..really grumpy. i dont really like bringing it up with her alot b/c she's going to ask questions about why it means so much and idont want to upset her and say you dont satisfy me 40-50% of the times i want it.

 

The last thing i want to do is start looking at other girls because it makes me think about it, and i would never in a million years cheat on her so it just reminds me im stuck frustrated and my sex life might always not live up to what i want and it's depressing. Ive asked her at least5-6 times to lose weight(imagine how hard that is to ask someone you love and think you might crush them) because i do not like it one bit she says ya ya ok. goes to the gym loses 20. quits gains back 25. im like ****k it matters to me. She won't take the time to look into a proper diet and it's driving me nuts. she wont just start eating what i tell her thats for damn sure. im trying to let her know in different ways like that losing some weight might help out our problem and she might feel better about herself and want too more. btw not saying im mr perfect because im not but i know when i cross the line with my body and im nowhere near needing help.

 

I just want to know if anyone else had a relationship like that where it wasnt really physically based at the beginning and it eventually turned into a problem and what did you do about it. did it work itself out or was it too much in the end. I love her alot but this hardly there sexual chemistry thing is killing me and i dont want to be one of those 40 year old people saying. "S*&t" why did i not look for someone who i just automatically click like that with"

[Tuicat]

I can sort of empathize with your predicament - and while I agree with the previous poster who called you up for being a bastard about your girlfriend's weight, I think you deserve a more thoughtful response.

 

You're only in your early twenties, which is way, way too early to be 'settling' into a luke-warm relationship. If you're not physically attracted to her now, what's it gonna be like in a few years, especially as her weight doesn't seem to concern her like it obviously does you?? I think you are being unfair to her, and unfair to yourself - physical attraction isn't everything, not by a long stretch, but it IS important. I'd say your nagging about her weight isn't helping her to feel confident and sexy either [that's an understatement].

 

You should definitely talk to her about the sex issue, I think she already knows how you feel about her being overweight, so maybe just try to stick to the issue at hand, which is you feeling you don't have enough sex.

If you can't talk about it, then that's a sign to end things. If you talk, but nothing really changes, that's another sign.

BUT, if you think you can both make it work, and you genuinely love her enough - try.

 

Just want to add - I've been in a few relationships with guys that I wasn't overly attracted to, but whom I loved as people. But I ended up wishing that I was more attracted to them, and that led to looking elsewhere, and yeah, they didn't work out.

Good luck.

Edited February 22, 2010 by Tuicat
mistake

[harmfulsweetz]

I would dump her... for her sake. If you two aren't sexually compatible then there's nothing you can do about it.

 

About the weight loss, you just sound like a prick. I wouldn't want to have sex with you either if you were always telling me to lose weight, telling me what to eat, etc.

 

My thoughts exactly. You sound like a prick full-stop to me. Sorry, but what's with the word 'try'? Like it's something you're forced to do?

 

Maybe she senses you aren't physically attracted to her? Women need to feel desired, we thrive on it, it turns us on, to know that we turn you on. You know? If she doesn't entirely do it for you, it's not a far stretch to think she's picked up on that.

 

You want more sex, but maybe she has a low sex drive? Maybe she's self-conscious? The biggest thing I seem to have picked up on is that you seem to look down on her, based on her weight. She was that weight when you got with her, it's not like she's morphed into this overweight woman is it? You chose to ignore something which clearly you can't live with, and now look where it's got you. Her weight is her issue, telling her to lose it for you won't work. She has to do it for herself because she wants to, not because you tell her to. If a guy told me what to eat etc, I'd tell him where to get off. Seriously. I've had a guy do that, and it's belittling, degrading and downright humiliating, it really shunts your self-esteem because you feel like you can't eat in front of this person, they don't like you for you, and imagine the toll that actually takes on a person's sex drive. Appreciate her for what she is now, including her flaws, when she goes to the gym, encourage her (go with her, make it fun, say how fantastic she looks afterwards etc). But before all of that, she has to feel good in herself otherwise it's no use, and you are a factor in that. She has to feel like you love her no matter, but I don't think you do.

[St. Nick]

Don't listen to these folks saying yer a prick cuz you want your girl to lose weight. You're rooting for her to achieve a positive goal. It's not like your telling her to get big boobs or tattoo your name on her back; you want her to start getting active, getting sporty, and putting effort into her body. If she doesn't get into being healthy and taking care of her body now then it's unlikely she'll care in the future. So keep it up, but don't be a nag about it. Ask her to do sports with you, go to the gym with her, go to aerobics workouts with her, etc. Just make it fun and not a chore to please you.

 

I was recently in a similar situation where the chick I liked wasn't sexually satisfying. And yes, I liked her a lot. Probably not as much as you like yer girl but a lot. My advice is to break it off. Yer probably having second thoughts about dumping a woman because she's boring in bed, but look at how you're on the net, practically begging strangers to give you advice on this. It's obvious this stuff is important to you. It's not to her. Her being physically fit is also important to you and not to her. And you also feel she's lying to you about whether or not she's sexually attracted to you. All in all, kid, there are signs that yer relationship is deteriorating and it's not just the lack of sex that's making it die; you two aren't communicating well. She may start cheating or already be there.

 

My advice: time for a breakup.

[Kristine]

Is she on birth control, the one time I was allowed to take it killed my sex drive and I thought that must how this stuff works. I'd first find out about the birth control she's on or any other medication, and if that doesn't resolve it then breaking up is the next step.

[carhill]

OP, clearly written and very sensible. You and she are not a good match. BTW, I'll feel more free to use the C word with women around here who deserve it, even if it gets me moderated. I've had my fill with guys getting personally attacked in such a manner. Fair warning

[paddington bear]

I agree with the other posters who say that your comments about her weight have probably led to some insecurity in her part. To her, that means you don't find her attractive. Subconsciously she's not going to want to have sex with you because she doesn't feel desired. And since you've told her over and over to lose weight, and she knows she hasn't, she'll feel awkward and uncomfortable being intimate with you.

 

I know you think the very fact that you want to have sex with her, means to you that it indicates that you do find her sexually attractive. But women can think differently on that one. Mixed signals 'lose weight, you're too fat, but I still want to sleep with you'.

 

Weight can be such a big issue for women. People think they are helping you to lose weight by nagging you about it. It in fact has the opposite effect, drumming it into you that you're fat and feeling under severe pressure to change yourself to please someone else.

 

Tell her you love her, tell her you think you're both too young to have so little sex. Ask her if your comments on her weight have contributed to her not wanting to have sex. If she says yes, I'd advise you both to devise a plan. You don't criticise her weight, but instead actually help her through actions, go cycling together, cook some healthy meals, make losing weight a joint project that you are involved in - without nagging!

 

You're in a vicious cycle now. You don't woo her, or try to seduce her in case the answer is no at the end, and yet not doing that and simply asking 'am I getting some tonight?' is not going to help matters either. Women lose their sex drive for all sorts of reasons not connected to sex at all. Mostly it's very bound up with emotions. Stress at work or college, feeling insecure in her relationship with you, feeling insecure about her weight.

[txsilkysmoothe]

You've made it clear that you find her body fat. Of course, she doesn't want to get naked for sex and let you see her unacceptable body.

 

Overweight people know they are overweight. They don't need anyone to tell them that. I believe you sincerely want to help her lose weight but because it's coming from the man she loves, all she can hear is "I don't like the way you look. You are not attractive. You are fat." Do you tell her you love her as often as you tell her she is overweight and what foods she should be eating?

 

You're not a bad guy for feeling this way. You have to decide whether her weight is a dealbreaker for you. If it is, end it and move on. Or, can you accept that she may always be overweight? If you really want to help her lose the extra weight, get involved in physical activity with her. If she loses weight again, compliment and encourage her to keep it off. BUT, there are no guarantees.

Edited February 22, 2010 by txsilkysmoothe

[boogieboy]

Dude, she doesnt want to work out, she doesnt care about losing weight. So you need to leave her now. Youre not a prick, you know what youre attracted to, and theres nothing wrong with that. But when you suggest to her to lose weight, of course she wont get naked for you. Also when you BEG her for sex, that completely turns her off, you cant beg for it, its not attractive. You still have to be attractive for her to WANT to have sex with you. For now, youre best bet is to leave her be and let HER work for YOUR sex.

 

But really, youre not at all compatible in ANY way, so you need to move out now.

[make me believe]

Well, if you weren't attracted to her physically it wasn't fair for you to get involved with her in the first place. It would be different if she was thinner when you first started dating and then gained a bunch of weight, but according to your post she's always been heavy. So in that case, it's kind of mean of you to harp on her for it.

 

But even aside from that, it just sounds like you two aren't compatible. I would end this relationship. It's not improving and if you stay you'll soon find yourself going longer & longer without sex and your relationship will get even worse.

[ann09]

If you're telling her she needs to lose weight, then she feels unattractive to you and doesn't want to get naked with you. Trust me, when I gain 5-10 pounds, I don't have much of a desire to have sex either. Sex is awesome when you're confident! Instead of telling her to lose weight - why don't you try to change your lifestyle WITH her. Go to the gym together etc. Start telling her she looks hot as she drops a few pounds - that's a huge ego booster when the guy you love compliments you.

 

OR.....maybe she doesn't want to lose the weight and is happy just the way she is. In that case, go find someone more suitable for you so she can do the same for herself.

[threebyfate]

This is what comes from settling. You try to control and mold your partner into what you want. Bad mojo.

 

Get out of this relationship. Life's too short for project relationships.

[Green]

Dude you've been a jerk. You seriously can't tell your gf she needs to lose weight. Telling her going to the gym is good for her is about as far as I would take it.

 

It would bother me if my gf gained weight but I wouldn't be any less into her. I would also know better then to tell her to go to the gym and lose weight.

 

You don't have to date this girl. You need to make a choice. Breaking up is really hard but you can talk your way through it and try not to turn it into WWIII.

 

The fact of the matter is you are going to run into this slow down of sex with most girls and once every 6 days might be just fine.

 

For me personaly once a week wouldn't be a problem. But 2 or 3 times a week would be heaven.

[meerkat stew]

Disagree with others, and agree with Carhill. You are being thrashed here without reason, as if she can lose weight easily but puts it right back on, that's -her- lack of desire to stay in good shape for your relationship and her lack of discipline, not your being a jerk. You made a thoughtful post that shows your concern for her and your relationship.

 

I have been with very few women who ever thought twice about commenting on my appearance, what I should wear, how I should cut my hair, cologne, everything imaginable, yet when a man asks his GF to stay in shape, it's some cardinal sin. There's nothing unreasonable at all about wanting a healthy, fit partner, and if she has no discipline to stay fit, you are well within your rights to say something.

 

As far as the sex issue goes, consider breaking up. This situation is not likely to improve, only get worse. I think posters are forgetting you are in your early 20s when staying healthy and fit is easier and expecting sex more than once a week is reasonable if that is your desire.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Time to move on. The two of you are just not on the same page, and are so 'not' on the same page that there is little if any hope that it will get better.

[harmfulsweetz]

Disagree with others, and agree with Carhill. You are being thrashed here without reason, as if she can lose weight easily but puts it right back on, that's -her- lack of desire to stay in good shape for your relationship and her lack of discipline, not your being a jerk. You made a thoughtful post that shows your concern for her and your relationship.

 

I have been with very few women who ever thought twice about commenting on my appearance, what I should wear, how I should cut my hair, cologne, everything imaginable, yet when a man asks his GF to stay in shape, it's some cardinal sin. There's nothing unreasonable at all about wanting a healthy, fit partner, and if she has no discipline to stay fit, you are well within your rights to say something.

 

As far as the sex issue goes, consider breaking up. This situation is not likely to improve, only get worse. I think posters are forgetting you are in your early 20s when staying healthy and fit is easier and expecting sex more than once a week is reasonable if that is your desire.

 

To be honest, his comments on her weight could have only sufficed to make her feel down on herself which in turn could have had a bad effect on her sex drive. Women don't see it the way men do, women do take these things to heart and instantly think it means they are not physically attractive. If you felt that way about yourself, would you jump into bed with someone? I wouldn't. We crave to feel desirable, desired and well, he's shown he doesn't desire her.

 

There's a wide difference between telling someone to lose weight and encouraging them-the way he should have tackled the situation, would have been to suggest going for hikes together, cycling, to the gym together, making healthy meals together. Not the way he did which was to belittle her, and make her feel down on herself. Wow, any woman who has a high sex drive after that, deserves plaudits!

 

No you are not well within your rights to say something, not if she was that weight when you got with her. Eh? Explain that logic for me please. If someone is a specific weight that you cannot tolerate, you get with them regardless, gets to two years down the line, you still can't tolerate the weight (well duh) then you start berating her for it.

[meerkat stew]

To be honest, his comments on her weight could have only sufficed to make her feel down on herself which in turn could have had a bad effect on her sex drive. Women don't see it the way men do, women do take these things to heart and instantly think it means they are not physically attractive. If you felt that way about yourself, would you jump into bed with someone? I wouldn't. We crave to feel desirable, desired and well, he's shown he doesn't desire her.

 

And that particular sacred cow women have about not having their weight subject to comment needs to -go-. It is her problem, not his. Women are graded in school just like men, are subject to constructive criticism just like men at home, school and work, and do just fine, yet turn into bawling little girls if they are overweight and their BF says anything about it. Yet most women freely comment on their BF's physicality, as I said before, hair, clothes, weight, cologne, everything.

 

There is nothing in OP's post or tone that says he has done anything other than care about this girl, and his constantly asking for sex should be enough to signal that he does desire her. There is nothing in his post suggesting he wants her to look like a model, just be healthy.

 

Wow, any woman who has a high sex drive after that, deserves plaudits!

 

No she deserves a membership card in the human race. We are all of us judged on our physical appearance every day. Preserving some illusion that only runs one way that being significantly overweight is not a factor in a relationship or life generally is what is not healthy. And why should he have to become her personal trainer and dietician in some egg shell walking losing battle to preserve her delicate feelings? Does she show the same concern for his sexual desire? Of course not, she selfishly does exactly what she wants sexually only when she wants and turns him down without a thought.

 

No you are not well within your rights to say something, not if she was that weight when you got with her. Eh? Explain that logic for me please. If someone is a specific weight that you cannot tolerate, you get with them regardless, gets to two years down the line, you still can't tolerate the weight (well duh) then you start berating her for it.

 

Women get with men every day they don't consider ideal (see the 60 point criteria list in the obnoxious "perfect man" thread here) and begin a campaign to change him in whatever ways she thinks possible, in a very direct manner. There are threads all over this forum evidencing this tendency of women to try and change their men. Men have a much shorter list of expectations of women generally, and being fit and of a healthy weight is right up there at the top. What's good for the goose is good for the gander as far as asking people to change certain things.

 

Now in OP's case, he has crystal clear reasoning on his side because she has shown herself capable of losing weight, then puts it right back on. This surely shows she has little respect or concern for the relationship, her BFs desires or for herself.

 

Yet as usual, most posts in this thread from women lay no blame at all for regularly denying sex on her, and rather focuses exclusively on the fact that he has asked her to lose weight. The fact that she is denying sex is the operative fact, that and that they are in their early 20s where this should not be an issue.

 

It is OP who deserves plaudits for staying in a relationship with a selfish, sex-denying, lazy girl who has no concern for his desires nor respect for the relationship for as long as he has while still trying to maintain a supportive attitude of the relationship. Most men, self included, would have been long gone by now.

[New_Life08]

I think the weight issue was thrown into it out of other frustrations. You have to remember that this sort of issue (poor sex life) is not the problem; it is just a symptom of a more serious problem(s).

 

I understand the young age has a lot to do with it. Some people are completely mature and ready for a long-term, committed relationship at 20 years old, some (or most) are not.

 

I will tell you one thing, you do not speak like a person in love; at least not the kind of love that endures. You may need to separate yourself in order to figure out what you want. Trying to figure it out while you're still together is unfair to both of you.

 

There's many harsh realities to be learned in relationships - one is that we do not know what love is until we have to live without it. Another is that we do not know true empathy until we know what being in love is.

 

Although you have a strong bond, your physical and sexual preferences are not satisfied with her. At 20 years old sexual fulfillment is a big deal, there is nothing wrong with wanting an ideal sexual partner. The problem is trying to turn someone into an ideal partner is never okay. When you start to realize that you can't change people, then out of frustration you start to pick that person apart.

 

Just a FYI about women...you don't have to say the words...if you are even thinking about her being physically unattractive she will likely pick up on it. Most men know this is a big no no....that is...if they want a consistent sex life...

[harmfulsweetz]

And that particular sacred cow women have about not having their weight subject to comment needs to -go-. It is her problem, not his. Women are graded in school just like men, are subject to constructive criticism just like men at home, school and work, and do just fine, yet turn into bawling little girls if they are overweight and their BF says anything about it. Yet most women freely comment on their BF's physicality, as I said before, hair, clothes, weight, cologne, everything.

 

There is nothing in OP's post or tone that says he has done anything other than care about this girl, and his constantly asking for sex should be enough to signal that he does desire her. There is nothing in his post suggesting he wants her to look like a model, just be healthy.

 

 

 

No she deserves a membership card in the human race. We are all of us judged on our physical appearance every day. Preserving some illusion that only runs one way that being significantly overweight is not a factor in a relationship or life generally is what is not healthy. And why should he have to become her personal trainer and dietician in some egg shell walking losing battle to preserve her delicate feelings? Does she show the same concern for his sexual desire? Of course not, she selfishly does exactly what she wants sexually only when she wants and turns him down without a thought.

 

 

 

Women get with men every day they don't consider ideal (see the 60 point criteria list in the obnoxious "perfect man" thread here) and begin a campaign to change him in whatever ways she thinks possible, in a very direct manner. There are threads all over this forum evidencing this tendency of women to try and change their men. Men have a much shorter list of expectations of women generally, and being fit and of a healthy weight is right up there at the top. What's good for the goose is good for the gander as far as asking people to change certain things.

 

Now in OP's case, he has crystal clear reasoning on his side because she has shown herself capable of losing weight, then puts it right back on. This surely shows she has little respect or concern for the relationship, her BFs desires or for herself.

 

Yet as usual, most posts in this thread from women lay no blame at all for regularly denying sex on her, and rather focuses exclusively on the fact that he has asked her to lose weight. The fact that she is denying sex is the operative fact, that and that they are in their early 20s where this should not be an issue.

 

It is OP who deserves plaudits for staying in a relationship with a selfish, sex-denying, lazy girl who has no concern for his desires nor respect for the relationship for as long as he has while still trying to maintain a supportive attitude of the relationship. Most men, self included, would have been long gone by now.

 

 

You clearly have no idea how the female mind works with regards to sex. To be fair, he has said he has sex once a week, which isn't as if he's saying once a month is it?

 

If you think by telling her what she should eat, that she is fat (basically) is actually helping matters, think again. Women are often far more sensitive to these things than men, and requesting a certain cologne is slightly different to commenting on someone's weight isn't it? The two are incomparable, apples and oranges. You tell a man he needs to get to the gym, he'll go, burn the weight off, tell a woman the same thing and she'll head straight for the fridge, or cry, or feel incredibly hurt, or all three. If you expect a woman to react the same as a man with regards to comments on appearance etc, you are sadly mistaken.

 

My point isn't that women are the only ones allowed to change their men, (no, if they are that when you got with them, and if it's intolerable to you, why get with them in hopes of changing them? Pathetic.) My point is, that if you get with someone who is already overweight, and you already don't find it tolerable, why bother? Surely, that in itself, is pointless? You can't ask someone to become something different when they were what they were when you got with them. It defeats the object. It would be different if he got with her, then she put on the weight, but that's not the case.

 

She has to lose the weight for her, not for him. It's like telling a smoker to quit for someone else, it won't work that way because they truly don't want it for themselves. Why shouldn't he help her with it? Why shouldn't he want to help her?

 

Many sexual problems with women stem from the emotional/mental side of things, if something is lacking in those departments, her sex drive will likely plummet. Women do pick up on vibes, and the fact that he has already commented on her weight, surely has had an effect on her.

[counterman]

I haven't read all the posts, only a few and the opening post. It's not my intention to repeat any other people's words.

 

You obviously don't find her physically attractive. Personally, for me, I would not go out with a girl I am no attracted to. She does not have to be the "hottest" girl, just someone I am attracted to. Why? Because I cannot look past it. No matter how great she is, if I am not attracted to her then I can't force myself to ignore the fact and still have a healthy relationship. So, that's why, I do not think you two are compatible.

 

It's not a good idea to ask her to change herself in any way for you or the relationship. She does have to realise this her and want to improve on herself, whether it's through a healthy diet or an exercise routine. Asking her to "fix" her weight would definitely hurt her and I can understand why she does not have sex as often. Girls are self-conscious about their bodies and if she knows you feel that way about hers, she's going to be less inclined to show herself to you because she knows you don't like what you see and it makes her feel ashamed. My ex-girlfriend was lovely and I was extremely attracted to her. However, the first time I saw her nude she was very sensitive about her own body and was scared about whether I would like her or not. I had to reassure her that I was okay with the way she was. Believe me, if I had told her that I had a problem with her weight or anything else, that would have been the end of us. However, if that was the case, it begs the question why we even starting something?

 

The best thing you can do is be supportive of her and lead by example. Eat well yourself and exercise regularly. Encourage her if she decides to do this herself for herself but never pressure her or suggest that you an unhappy with her physical appearance. It you cannot accept her for the way she is, then I don't think she is the one for you.

 

Best of luck.

[New_Life08]

Hi again...

 

I wanted to add a little to my last comment (was a little tired when I wrote it)

 

Outside all of the great thoughts and advice you are getting...you really need to make a bold move in the relationship. Don't wait until you hate her to decide to go to couples counseling or to read books for couples pertaining to these issues. The only way you will find out if the relationship is going to work is to try to work it out with her. If she agrees there are issues and is willing to work on it then maybe there is hope.

 

When one or both people refuse to admit there is a problem or that they are part of the problem; then you know it is not meant to be. Face it, we are not going to put much effort into fixing something we're uncertain we want to keep.

 

You need to have a serious talk with her about the future of your relationship. Maybe the friendship works for you, but the intimate relationship (with her) doesn't.

 

You are not wrong to have certain standards and needs that are important to you....we all do. We go wrong when we stay in a situation where we feel unfulfilled. It is unfair to expect someone to live up to our criteria completely, and it is equally unfair for you to settle for less than what you need.

 

You two have been together for quite awhile, so there must be something worthwhile between you. If you two love each other you will find a balance, you will learn that give and take is not always even, you will WANT to understand each other and find the best way to work through these issues. The key is to find the help BEFORE the love is gone.

 

All my best...

[OnlyJake]

OP, I think that you and your g/f are obviously not compatible on 2 levels:

1. sex drive
   
2. lifestyle (in regards to health/weight)
   

 

You could always try talking to your gf about these two issues (you've received a lot of good advice on how to do that), but as TBF said, life's too short for project relationships.

 

My advice to you is to end this relationship, and in future keep in mind your values and wants from a partner/relationship - clearly personality is only one part of the whole package you are looking for. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting your partner to be healthy, but TBH, I also don't think it's reasonable to start dating someone who is overweight, and then get upset that she won't lose weight and eat a healthy diet. Completely unreasonable expectation, because if she cared about those things she wouldn't be overweight to begin with.

 

It's unfortunate that you've made clear to her (though maybe you could be more tactful?) that her weight and sex drive (which could very well be tied to the weight issue) are issues for you and she hasn't made an effort to do something about it for the sake of the relationship.

 

Also, I do think it's possible that your gf's sex drive has decreased because of her self-image/thinking you don't find her attractive, as Paddington Bear said. The problem is that she now knows you aren't as attracted to her as you could be (or probably as she thought you were, as her weight apparently wasn't a known issue earlier in your relationship), but she isn't interested in changing (again, if she cared, she would've lost the weight, changed her diet, and maintained on her own).

 

Again back to the lifestyle thing, in addition to diet, she probably just isn't an active person - if she enjoyed working out, playing sports, etc. she wouldn't find it so difficult to keep going, as she apparently does.

Edited February 24, 2010 by OnlyJake