Gabriele Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 do you find now....for those trying to reconcile...or even not I suppose, the little regular, day to day petty arguments just hit so much harder. I am finding that as BS, I just get so much more angry and take offense WAY easier than I ever did before. How do you separate the affair sh*t from the regular relationship stuff. I am tired and grumpy, he is tired, grumpy, and over worked.........hard to be rational when one feels this way.......then an argument just takes me WAY down and feeling bad. any tips to balance? Gabriele
wheelwright Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Sorry this is tough for you. I went through the same with my BH, he especially couldn't cope with small things getting too much or going wrong. We hit many walls before having what has now been a couple of weeks of peace. Lots of communication about our feelings helped get us here. He just isn't on so tight a string anymore - largely because he decided he really didn't want to live like that - combined with the communication. I sympathise because it's horrible to go through. Both parties have to hang onto their desire to forgive and let go after all the big and small ruptures. I don't know if me and my H will truly reconcile, but we were never going to find out when every small thing caused a blow up. But I always told him that his difficulty controlling outbursts wasn't his fault. I understood it was because of the A. I hope your H is saying the same to you.
FryFish Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 How do you separate the affair sh*t from the regular relationship stuff. lol... You cant. EVERY ASPECT of the relationship will now be forever tainted by the affair. There is no going back and there is no starting over. There is only pretending you dont see the taint.
mimidarlin Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 The nit picky fights are tough. We've separated and we're communicating more than we have in months. That means fight sometimes as well. I think that our behavior towards each other had changed. I didn't speak my opinion for fear of driving him away. He was afraid to tell the truth. Lies had become a habit. Now...I have little fear of voicing my opinion. We both have said regrettable things recently but have talked about how hard it is to edit when you're in an emotional state. I'm angry...he's defensive. I have trust issues ...duh. He can't understand why I don't believe what he says. We've made time to sit and talk about these issues. These appointments are going very well because neither of us enter them in an emotional state. We are able to reflect on our behavior towards each other. I have to learn how to forgive him and he has to earn my trust again. I won't ever forget but we can't move forward if I am always referencing this behavior.
Spark1111 Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Oh boy, do i know this feeling.... I think I have developed a hypersensitivity about EVERYTHING since his affair...and yes, it can impede healing. I think part of it is/was my own severely damaged ego....and part of it is that inner child kicking and screaming to be loved more, better, you name it. You are still hurting, and it seems to come out every chance it gets, whether appropriate or not. I get it. A big indicator of how well you will do as a couple, is the ability to effectively communicate your needs and wants to each other in a patient manner; especially, how patient he IS with you when you express your feelings. What I had to learn is to step back and examine WHAT iwas feeling and WHY. Very difficult. Is it really about the past due car bill? Or is it about being ignored? Neglected? Only you can figure out what it is really about, and then express it in a calm manner to your spouse.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Yes, we seldom argued before her affair. Perhaps that was part of our problem! Now, we get into HUGE arguments often, and they get personal. The rose colored glasses came off for me, so I have not tolerance anymore, Now, I call her on her ****, which I formerly accepted. Regarding tips to balance? I have been unable to do it. I suspect it requires both to be invested in recovery, and to accept one another as imperfect. To communicate in a clear, kind way ...and not hold on to resentments. To respect and meet reasonable needs.
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