icyness Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 I don't know why I am still doing this to myself; I'll be the first to admit I am doing things that are preventing me from moving on. I was doing fine a few months ago, but I continue to look at his FB through a fake one I made after we broke up and lately I feel worse and worse as time progresses rather than better. I permanently deleted the account again today (for probably the 20th time.) And am determined to stay off of it as to not reactivate until 2 weeks is up and it's gone for good. I don't understand why I am so deeply upset and obsessed over this man who left me for someone else and lied about it among doing quite a few other horrible things to me. It's been almost 8 months and it feels like there's no end in sight to this vicious cycle; please tell me this goes away eventually. I'm so sick of my heart aching over someone who I'm practically dead to.
coltsfan1 Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 i totally understand how you feel. I am guilty of picking at the wound she left as well. WE have to stop, regardless of how the other person left. If our exs were the people we thought, wished, or wanted them to be they would have left gracefully. try not to concern yourself with their lack of class, and dignity.
Author icyness Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 i totally understand how you feel. I am guilty of picking at the wound she left as well. WE have to stop, regardless of how the other person left. If our exs were the people we thought, wished, or wanted them to be they would have left gracefully. try not to concern yourself with their lack of class, and dignity. Thank you very much for your kind reply Coltsfan, and you couldn't be more right. My sister told me over and over he is no longer the person you were with, he is someone else now. In a bittersweet way, it makes it a tiny bit easier to believe that, as if the person we knew and loved died along with the relationship.
coltsfan1 Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 the first few weeks my heart would break, then I would get on her email, then it would hurt worse, I have stopped checking it. It would only open the old wound. I still love my ex as a person, and my heart breaks for all the poor decisions she is making. But I know that it is her life to live the best or worst way she chooses to. Do yourself a favor and focus on how you can improve your life.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 It's as Coltsfan said, you keep picking at the wound. You must NOT continue taking peeks at him, you must go full no contact and allow yourself to go through the whole grieving process. You keep looking at pictures of this guy and remembering the good times. Then you'll wish him back, etc. etc. It builds upon itself. You need to fully and totally separate from him to allow yourself to heal and move on.
Author icyness Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 Coltsfan, I hear you. The first few weeks/months are like nothing else one could experience in life, the pain is unreal. I wish I had stopped like you and left it at that. I did quite a few times, but then I'd fine myself signing back on after a few days. I feel I must know what's going on and I hate to say there's a part of me that feels if I keep checking on him, I'll be able to gauge whether or not we'll ever get back together which should be the furthest thing from my mind. Curiousnycgirl, you're right. I know you're right and the proof of no contact is that it really does work. I know I felt better when I never thought I would by not looking at anything of his online and basically being in the dark as far as he goes. The worst part for me at the moment is the anger. I'm back into that anger mode; I'm extremely angry his new girlfriend thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread when she has no clue whatsoever what he did to me in order to be with her.
DenverBachelor Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 It's been almost 8 months and it feels like there's no end in sight to this vicious cycle; please tell me this goes away eventually. I'm so sick of my heart aching over someone who I'm practically dead to. Ahh, Icyness. Such an appropriate name for a good portion of the female sex. You need to figure out which part of you was co-dependent on some aspect of his personality or presence. Make no mistake about it, if you are still this hung up over him after eight months, this is a big red flag that there is something in your own make-up that is missing in great detail -- and your ex represented some aspect of this that filled you completely as a person. Were you abused at all as a child by a male figure? Were you raped at a young age by someone you trusted? How was your relationship with your father?
Author icyness Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 DB, thank you for your input. I agree I am still very dependent on him because I am not used to being single. I was with someone before him for a very long time who wasn't good to me, then I went straight to him after which to this day I still wonder if it was a mistake not letting myself have any time in between, I don't know. No, non of those things have happened to me, and my relationship with my dad is great. In fact he's the only male I am able to trust. I know 8 months seems like a long time, but considering how long we were together and what happened in the end, I think I do pretty well from day to day. It's a wonder I don't call him and his family up going off on all of them for involving themselves in our break-up when it was none of their business.
DenverBachelor Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 (edited) I know 8 months seems like a long time, but considering how long we were together and what happened in the end, I think I do pretty well from day to day. It's a wonder I don't call him and his family up going off on all of them for involving themselves in our break-up when it was none of their business. 8 Months is nothing compared to the totality of our lives. I don't doubt you miss him, but you miss him so much that you post on here. You also said that your father is the only male in your life you can trust. What's behind that statement. Something happened a while ago -- maybe with a first love, etc. But why do you feel your father is the only male you can trust? Are you going into your relationships crippled by fear that you will be hurt or abandoned? Ps: Blood will always be thicker than water. When you adopt his or her family into your life, you need to realize who they will side with once the nastiness of the break up comes. Believe me, I lost a lot. Edited February 22, 2010 by DenverBachelor
Author icyness Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 Oh I agree, it's only natural that they're going to side with him and protect him. However, the way some of it went down was just ridiculous to say the least. My dad is pretty over protective and I know he loves me more than anything, and even he never makes it a point to get involved in certain things unless I ask him. The only reason I don't go into details is because I don't want to drag it all out and bore you guys as the readers, but believe me when I say their actions were low and the extent of their involvement unnecessary. I feel my dad is the only male I can trust because of what occurred with him I suppose. I have been with very few men my whole life only to end up abandoned/hurt in the end, so yes I do fear it now more than anything. Although at this point I can't even fathom being with anyone anymore.
GrayClouds Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Check out this book it may be helpful: Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson It will help you move on and possible offer some insight why it has been so hard to do so. Good luck.
now_what Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Sometimes it does seem like things get worse instead of better. I think the reason you can't get over someone who was bad to you is because you want some explanation from them as to WHY or HOW could they do what they did, but you will probably never get the explanation you deserve. It is hard to move on without this closure, but at least in my case, this is something I will never get, so I'm letting my ex (of over 30 years) just fade from my mind.
Author icyness Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 Thank you GrayClouds, (I love that name by that way.) I will definitely check out that book, it looks interesting. Now_what, you're right. I think we as the dumpees are always looking for something more to grasp onto other than what the dumpers gave us. At the beginning he swore to me he just wanted to be single, no matter how much I begged and pleaded for the truth, he stuck to his guns that this was the truth, yet I knew it wasn't; deep in my gut I knew it was someone else. I thought if I just find out the truth, I'll have my closure and be able to move on from it. I had been warned by others that not only would I not get closure from that, but it will make things worse as it will only lead to more questions, why's, how's, and voids...which it did.
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