GAboywillprevail Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 (edited) I do not have enough time to detail everything here but i need some guidance. My wife and I have been married for 19 years, I have some previous posts on here about lack of communication and divorce, we have been steadily growing apart. We have been NC for 2 months while living in the same house. I have drawn up divorce papers and givien them to her for comment but they have not been filed. Her mother is on her death bed so my wife took my son for a last visit this week-end to say goodbye to his grandma. Well grandma has taken a very bad turn for the worse and my wife is staying. Grandma is 600 miles away from our home in GA. My son missed school Thurs and Friday and he called me this morning and said my wife was staying for a while and that I had to pick him up. This took me by surprise because i thought they would be home today, so i told him I would call him back. HERE IS THE QUESTION: Should I travel 1200 miles to help my wife out and go pick up my son. He needs to go to school this week? I don't know what the proper thing to do is. My inclination is to tell her, you drug him up there you get him back but it is his grandma. I have not been thinking clearly to start with over the past several months so I need some help on what is the right thing to do. Unbelievable, while I was proof reading this post, the phone rang and it was my wife's number........ I did not answer. If we speak today it would be the first time in 2 1/2 months. I don't know what to do. She is still my wife and we are still a family. Edited February 21, 2010 by GAboywillprevail ?
Gunny376 Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Do the right thing for all parties involved, and go pick up your son. You only hesitate in doing so because of your pride. Your wife needs to be with her dying mother. Your son needs to be in school. Do the humane, compassionate, and right thing and go pick up your son.
Author GAboywillprevail Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 You are absolutely right!
Author GAboywillprevail Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 I called her, she asked me if i could pick him up at the ATL airport if she could get him a flight. I told her I would travel to pick him up and she said let her check on flights first and she would call me back. Pretty un eventful correspondence between us but thank you for replying becuase I wanted to do the right thing and that was the right thing to do. Clear minds always prevail and we are smarter together than alone.
Mrs. Ambivalent Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Looks like you have already made up your mind but definitely find a way (car or plane) to pick up your son and get him back in school while your wife spends these last few days with her mom. I suspect this is only the beginning because once she passes there will be funeral details you will need to handle also. Who will go and when? Good luck, it's a tough time for all involved but I think the best thing to do is what's best for your wife and child right now. Thinking of you.
Author GAboywillprevail Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 Thank you Mrs. A for your advice and kind words. My wife sent me a text a little while ago that said her mother probably will not survive the night, so I guess I will make the trip for the funeral and to bring my son home. She said she would let me know this evening. Gunny sort of made me realize that there are certain situations where NC and the past do not need to reside. This is a time that my wife needs to concentrate on her mother and not on what has been going on in our relationship. To a certain extent, I need to be supportive and caring in my wife's time of need. Even the Hatfield's and McCoy's came together for funerals.
Author GAboywillprevail Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 (edited) Should I send my wife a text and ask her if she needs me to be with her????? I would be absolutely devastated if she replied with a NO! Edited February 21, 2010 by GAboywillprevail
Gunny376 Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 When my Father passed, I told my children the the X and DHX3 were invited to the services and funeral. I reasoned that she was the Mother of the his only grandchildren and that it would be fitting and proper. At the actual funeral site, she and he stood apart from the main body ~ which I thought was respectful of me personally. Over the course of the years, there had been good times, and shared memories. They weren't all bad. I would go without asking, just expect to have to get a motel room, show the wife her 'proper due respect'. That is to say don't expect her to be all over you hugging and crying. But be prepared to respond in an appropriate way if she does. She's going to need to stay behind to look into things, and if there are any other siblings make sure they don't run off with any and everything worth stealing to include picture albums, pictures, mementos, etc. Its really a logistical thing even if you don't attend the services and funeral. You need to pick up the DS to get him back home for school if nothing else. I wouldn't initiate anything such as standing or sitting by her ~ after all you've been NC for what the last 2-1/2 months? In other words be there but be out of the way. Play it cool with the in-laws, this is a case of where the less said is the best said. Try to keep your responses short and neutral, which shouldn't be too much of a problem at the services and the actual funeral. I wouldn't go back to the house after the funeral. Just politely bow out. Better yet just vanish into the night lie a Superhero. You don't know what she's told her family about the state of your marriage? If the 'air head' gossip monger (every family has one) does by chance approach just say, "There's been issues." and then shut up, look away and then look them back in their eyes without saying anything. That should shut them up. Don't try and pal around with any of the in-laws that you formerly had a good relationship with. If they do? Excuse yourself and go get a drink of water or go to the bathroom. Your no longer a part of her family, and regardless the family knows something is amiss between the two of you. Your there for the following reasons: 1. To be "there" for the Mother of your Son 2. To show your last respects to someone who has made a tremendous impact in your life, (Were it not for her you would not have meet your wife, had you not meet your wife, you would not have the DS that you have?) Granted you and the STBXW are getting divorced, but it wasn't always bad ~ am I right? There were good times, happier times, fun times. Those combined with the current "Bad/Crazy" times combined are all apart of shaping you into the person you were destined to become. 3. To pick up your DS to get him back home and back into school, freeing her up to attend to DM's affairs, estate etc. If you do text, I would keep it short and sweet. As I said~ The less said is the best said. That's how I would do it. Now realistically? You need to get on the phone to find out if she's made plane reservations? If she wants you there? Do you need to drive there just to pick up the DS? In otherwords? Your going to have to break NC and actually talk and communicate.
Gunny376 Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Should I send my wife a text and ask her if she needs me to be with her????? I would be absolutely devastated if she replied with a NO! If you mean should you be there in the role as her husband? No! You should call her and discuss it with her like to mature adults without emotion. If she says no? Do you know who's problem that is? YOURS! Your in the major league now my man! Life is one hell of a pitcher. Your going to win some, your going to lose some. Your going to get some curve balls, some fast balls and every now again? Your going to catch one right between the eyes. Its time to step up to plate and put the 'big boy' britches on! Its time to put this "War of the Roses" on hold, declare a neutrality and for you to tell her whatever role she wants or needs you to play you will. Honor her wishes, she just (or is about to) to lose her Mother, one of handful of people that has literally known her all of her life. And I'm about to divulge one of the absolute great truths of Life to you! Once you've lost your parents? Your pretty much on your own out here in the vast ocean called Life!
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