D-Lish Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Recently, my best friend has started dating a new guy. He's quite awesome and I'm happy for her. They have incredible chemistry, and they can barely keep their hands off one another. It's awkward going out with them because when they are together- they focus solely on one another, it's like no one else is in the room. I am happy for both of them- She just got out of a long term relationship where she was stifled and unhappy- so it's great to see her beaming about someone that treats her right and makes her so happy. Her new guy has a best friend both of them have been pushing me to date, but I am simply not attracted to him in that way. They set up situations where it's just the 4 of us, and because the two of them are so focused on each other, I end up hanging with the best friend. I don't mind, he's nice and friendly- but I am not into dating him. Last night, I got a massive guilt trip about giving this guy a chance. They actually made me feel bad for not returning his affection. I can't choose whom I am attracted to- I can't force chemistry that isn't present. Honestly, I'd rather be single forever than spend time with someone just to allieviate lonliness. They seem to think if I go on a few dates with this guy that I can adopt feelings for him. So this guy asked me out last night- and I felt pressured to say yes. I did tell him I'd be willing to go for a drink, but as friends. I know that my friend her her guy are encouraging his crush. I don't think they are being fair to either of us- even though they mean well. I ran into a group of guys I went to high school with last night and I was chatting with them- the guy they want me to go out with came over and just stood beside me, not saying anything, just acting rather possessive, sipping his beer and looking a little peeved. My best friend just got out of a bad relationship where she settled, and now she is asking me to think about doing the same. I don't know what to do. I hate feeling this type of pressure- it's annoying.
jerbear Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 I think you should hold your ground with your friends. Regarding settling, you have already been through the dating process a few times and frankly you know what you like and don't like. You've already spent time with the guy and nothing has really came out of that other than a friendly date. It does not seem like this guy is even pursuing and your friends are just keeping you two around so they can go do their thing.
Alexz Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 It seems like you gave this guy the chance he deserved, but nothing can come out of this relationship... besides awkwardness. You're right, you can't force chemistry. And I think you should have an honest talk with your best friend saying, although it was of her and her boyfriend to set you up, you're just not into him. He seems nice, but it isn't a worthwhile or unique relationship for you. I really dunno what else can be said.
meerkat stew Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Agree with jerbear, and just tell the guy "no" to dates if you see no chance of any attraction forming, don't try to qualify as friends. Your GF and her BF are being bad friends by pressing you on this. Also, even if you did feel potential, dating friends of friends who are dating is equivalent to dating people at work in some respects.
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Sometimes people in new relationships get so caught up with their love that they can turn into insensitive, selfish a-holes. No offense, just an observation. I've done the same thing in the past, so what can I say other than I've done it too. I don't think it comes from a malicious place, just the fact that they are so into their own biochemical love high that they can't think straight. I don't think you can have a talk with your friend right now, because that would be somewhat like trying to talk to an alcoholic while they were plastered. I hope that isn't an insensitive analogy...I don't mean it to be, but you know how people get when their in the new relationship high. I try to just avoid hanging out with my best friend and her new beaus for the first few months of the interaction. After 2 or 3 months the high wears off and they start acting more normal. Sort of. I hope things get more tolerable for you soon...
threebyfate Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 D, I would have a chat with your bff, one on one. Just explain to her that you're not interested in this guy and that you don't need to settle, that this is your life and your choice. That while this would be an ideal scenario, with the foursome, you can't force attraction. Use examples of men she's not attracted to, particularly guys she's previously turned down for dates or had one date and found them dismal. If she's any kind of friend, she'll back off.
tami-chan Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 So this guy asked me out last night- and I felt pressured to say yes. I did tell him I'd be willing to go for a drink, but as friends. I know that my friend her her guy are encouraging his crush. I don't think they are being fair to either of us- even though they mean well. There is a thread somewhere started by a guy who asked a girl to go out with him and the girl said "yes, but only as friends", that thread got a lot of responses.... many of the responses from men were not positive and at first, I thought, what was wrong with that? Then the more I read the more I understood....you should not accept an invitation from someone whom you know wants more than just "friendship" from you AND set-up a clause to that invitation..(i.e.: "Yes, but only as friends"). You should not have accepted the invitation. Why is it that you have not talked to you BEST friend about how uncomfortable you are about what she and her BF are doing? What were you waiting for? If you can't be honest with your BFF....well..... You see, the fact that you been "going along" made this guy think you and he have something going on....
Meaplus3 Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 My best friend just got out of a bad relationship where she settled, and now she is asking me to think about doing the same . She is probably only trying to be helpful, but does not realize that she is not helping. So sorry your feeling pressured. But, the bottom line is the ball is in your court here sweetie. You make the choice as to whom you feel comfy with. It's not for anyone else to decide. Perhaps have a talk with her? Hang in there.((((hugs)))) Mea:)
Barky Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Awful situation. Happened to me in high school. My best friend wanted me to date his girlfriend's best friend. I tried... really tried.. to be interested in her. Finally we were at a party and I was a little drunk and finally said, "I'm just not at all attracted to you." There was a BIG blowup. Wrecked my friendship with the dude and needless to say I never saw the two girls again.
harmfulsweetz Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Grrr. I hate that too. They probably mean well. But they shouldn't pressure you into going out with someone you don't like like that. I mean, did he really have to stand beside you like that? Really? I would just tell them straight. You aren't interested in him, but you appreciate the effort.
BobSacamento Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 I think you need to go into full friendzone mode. Anytime he does something nice say - "Oh your such a good friend." When he does something like come up next to you when your with a group introduce him as "My Friend". He'll get the hint.
Author D-Lish Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 Thanks guys. I have talked to my best friend- numerous times about it. She pushes the issue, I tell her I am not into the guy, and she just doesn't see why I won't even give it a chance. It's like talking to a brick wall. I have re-thought saying yes to a date with this guy. He text me this morning to try and set something up and after gathering some of your thoughts I am going to call him and talk to him directly this afternoon. He asked me out the first time we all went out as a group, and I said no- firmly. I told him I was happy being friends with him, but that's as far as I was prepared to take it. I have a feeling that he is being pressured and encouraged from the other side. TC is right though- going out with him is leading him on, and that isn't fair to him. Since my best friend won't listen, I feel I will take the matter into my own hands and talk to this guy on my own. I think what I resent most is being told I should give up and settle for less than I deserve. It's actually insulting to me. I do know they are only trying to play matchmaker because they are so happy and they want to see the same thing for their best friends- but I am at the point where I don't want to go out with them anymore. Plus, the guy hovering over me when I am having a conversation with other guys, acting like we are a couple or something didn't sit well with me last night. Any ideas what to say to this guy? I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I'd like to keep a friendly group atmosphere when we go out.
St. Nick Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Awful situation. Happened to me in high school. My best friend wanted me to date his girlfriend's best friend. I tried... really tried.. to be interested in her. Finally we were at a party and I was a little drunk and finally said, "I'm just not at all attracted to you." There was a BIG blowup. Wrecked my friendship with the dude and needless to say I never saw the two girls again. Doesn't sound like a good friend to me if he blew you off over that.
threebyfate Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 (edited) I recall years and years ago, something similar happening with a close friend. She was dating a guy who I wasn't crazy about and he had a best friend, who I wasn't interested in. They tried to get us together and I refused to play, beyond being willing to be friends. It got to the point where I flat out told her that I didn't even like her b/f and was disinterested in his bestfriend. That did NOT go over well... :laugh: Edit - just saw your last post. There's no way you can do it, without hurting his ego. Just tell him that while you like him as a friend, that anything beyond that, isn't possible. Maybe stroke his maturity level for being able to handle this. Edited February 21, 2010 by threebyfate
skydiveaddict Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Any ideas what to say to this guy? I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I'd like to keep a friendly group atmosphere when we go out. Dont worry about his feelings. Just tell him nicely that you like your group of friends the way they are and you want only friendship from him. He should get the message.
Author D-Lish Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 Alright, I am going to get this over with and call him now so I don't stress about it all afternoon....
Hot Carl Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 There are better guys in the US. Move south.
skydiveaddict Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 There are better guys in the US. Move south. South? I just read in GQ that all the really attractive men live in Denver
Author D-Lish Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 There are better guys in the US. Move south. Better guys with mutil-coloured dogs I hear! Well, I made the call, it was awkward. After I told him- just silence on the other end. I feel really bad.
skydiveaddict Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Better guys with mutil-coloured dogs I hear! Well, I made the call, it was awkward. After I told him- just silence on the other end. I feel really bad. I wouldn't feel bad. What else could you do? BTW, I'm like you, I hate being told to "settle" , and I refuse to do it
Hot Carl Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 South? I just read in GQ that all the really attractive men live in Denver South Denver even. Better guys with mutil-coloured dogs I hear! Precisely! Those guys would treat you right. Well, I made the call, it was awkward. After I told him- just silence on the other end. I feel really bad. Only because you're being made to feel bad by people who should know better. Your friends should know better. You're not obligated to date the guy they hand-pick for you. The guy should know better. Did he think this was some kind of sure thing? They're all acting like idiots. Don't feel bad. They were wrong to invest so much in this little arrangement.
Author D-Lish Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 I wouldn't feel bad. What else could you do? BTW, I'm like you, I hate being told to "settle" , and I refuse to do it I know:(. My friends think I should be considering companionship over chemistry because I've been single for so long. I'll stay single for the rest of my life before I'll settle.
tami-chan Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 South? I just read in GQ that all the really attractive men live in Denver Really? is it because of the crispiness of the air there? .... but hmmm...south huh, carl? are we talking Georgia south?
Hot Carl Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 .... but hmmm...south huh, carl? are we talking Georgia south? No that's too far south. No good guys in Georgia.
tami-chan Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Better guys with mutil-coloured dogs I hear! Well, I made the call, it was awkward. After I told him- just silence on the other end. I feel really bad. wow,,that was quick...better you than me, D-lish! I think you are a sweetheart....but there was really nothing else you could have done.
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