MizFit Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Ok...yesterday there was a bit of discussion somewhere about MM and whether or not they were cowards. Then...if they were considered cowards because of being in an A could they not be cowards in regards to the rest of their lives. My question is this...I've been a BS and an OW...have I ever done anything that is cowardly in either of those roles? Have you in your roles...as a BS, a WS, an OW/M, the child or friend of any of those roles... Me...as a BS...I was in my mid 20s and I was married to an alcoholic. By the time I realized the addiction was what it was I figured I could save him...by the time he had his affair I figured I couldn't save him. As his addiction got worse I pulled away...I handled it all wrong...I left the marriage vulnerable for an A. I had 2 acts that I consider cowardly in that marriage. I wanted the perfect marriage and getting help for an alcoholic wasn't part of the plan, so instead of trying to do what was right for him I took the cowards way out and left without doing any hard work. After that I blamed his shortcomings for the affair and I left. I also had a friend who stumbled upon her friends husband in the midst of an affair. She didn't tell her friend and it went on for several years...I thought that was horribly cowardly, but she was an incredibly courageous person.
OWoman Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 My question is this...I've been a BS and an OW...have I ever done anything that is cowardly in either of those roles? Have you in your roles...as a BS, a WS, an OW/M, the child or friend of any of those roles... As an OW, I had an attack of cowardlies, during the A. The original agreement underlying the A was that it was deep and meaningless - pure passion, fun and froth, nothing beyond that. And then, at some point, we both became aware that things were changing, and we found ourselves wanting more. At that point, the cowardlies struck. I KNEW I ought to 'fess up and admit that things had changed for me, that I was becoming invested in a way that defied the terms of the agreement, and that I should terminate the A forthwith. But I bit my tongue, hoping that it was something passing - emotional volatility due to PMS, or some such . And then, he sent an email that clearly indicated that something was up with him too. So, we spoke about it, and admitted that things had changed for us both, and that we now wanted something different. At that point I was no longer sure which was the cowardly route - turning my back on the hottest action I'd ever had but remaining true to my R principles... or venturing into unknown territory and following the road where it led. In the end my hormones won and I followed the road into truly new terrain, which took a lot more courage than I'd imagined, but it was a good choice I reckon!
Fallen Angel Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 I was cowardly in that I didn't tell My Sweetheart all those years ago how I felt about him.. I was married, so i wouldn't let myself be honest with even myself about my feelings for him. It was purely platonic on my end because of the ring on my finger, no matter how miserable that ring kept me. He at that time never told me how he felt about me, perhaps if he had, our lives would be very different right now. We could have had many more years together. There have been many times when I have known friends were cheating and didn't tell, when I knew their spouses were cheating on them and didn't tell. I do not know that it was cowardice so much as experience that taught me to keep my mouth shut. I lost more than one friend in the past because I was the one who told. The couple would make up, and I was cast away as the "not nice name here" who "tried to break them up". Either because the BP did not believe it, or because the WP convinced the BP that I was lying, or they just plain "worked it out" and I was someone who knew what was an "embarassment" to one or both of them. I learned the hard way that is was best to keep my mouth shut, and let them find out on their own, or "lead" them gently to discovery (I once took a friend out to dinner where I knew her SOs OW was working and SO would be picking up the OW after work. I let BW see it happen, rather than to tell her about it. Her choice to not believe her "own lying eyes" flabbergasted me! And she ended up going home with SO, and I took OW (who come to find out did not know she was OW) out for a few stiff drinks and a few games of pool... *shrug*
fooled once Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 To answer your questions, MF, when I was in an affair with a MM, I admit to being a coward. Coward to NOT END IT. I should have when he moved back to his marital home after living in an apartment for a year. I should have ended it. There were a couple other things, but that was the main one.
skylarblue Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 I’ve been in situations where I’ve cheated on my bf and didn’t fess up when confronted. I was unwilling and afraid to accept the consequence of him ending the R. My MM will not be truthful with his W because he is afraid of his actions’ ramifications. Both are very cowardly acts of two people not willing to step up to the plate, but I’d never consider cowardliness as part of my MM’s traits (far from it). I do not believe behaving cowardly (or any particular way) in a certain situation necessarily makes a person a coward by nature. As humans, we display a gamut of feelings and emotions either innately or through situation or reasoning. It should be expected a person will exhibit certain behaviors that don’t necessarily define their overall personality or them as a person. I think it’s more of the frequency, regularity, and familiarity of the occurrence that helps to assign a particularly trait to person. Although I've veiwed certain people who didn't "stick up" for their principles as cowardly, I don’t think the reservation or difficulty in expressing emotional thoughts to someone, particularly someone we care about, makes a person cowardly in any way. It makes a person a human being. IMO a coward is a person who knowingly or is aware of a wrongdoing that they have done/caused and does not take responsibility for that action simply to avoid any deemed consequences to him/herself. In that respect, maybe I am a coward. As the WP, I’ve never accepted responsibility for my infidelity. As the OW, I really didn’t accept responsibility for actions caused by me and MM. I’ve always taken what seemed as the “easy” way out, and probably always will.
pureinheart Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 As an OW, I had an attack of cowardlies, during the A. The original agreement underlying the A was that it was deep and meaningless - pure passion, fun and froth, nothing beyond that. And then, at some point, we both became aware that things were changing, and we found ourselves wanting more. At that point, the cowardlies struck. I KNEW I ought to 'fess up and admit that things had changed for me, that I was becoming invested in a way that defied the terms of the agreement, and that I should terminate the A forthwith. But I bit my tongue, hoping that it was something passing - emotional volatility due to PMS, or some such . And then, he sent an email that clearly indicated that something was up with him too. So, we spoke about it, and admitted that things had changed for us both, and that we now wanted something different. At that point I was no longer sure which was the cowardly route - turning my back on the hottest action I'd ever had but remaining true to my R principles... or venturing into unknown territory and following the road where it led. In the end my hormones won and I followed the road into truly new terrain, which took a lot more courage than I'd imagined, but it was a good choice I reckon! OWoman...not making fun of your reply by any means by my next statement...I find it cute and it put a big smile on my face, of which I very much needed...thank you
pureinheart Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 I was cowardly in that I didn't tell My Sweetheart all those years ago how I felt about him.. I was married, so i wouldn't let myself be honest with even myself about my feelings for him. It was purely platonic on my end because of the ring on my finger, no matter how miserable that ring kept me. He at that time never told me how he felt about me, perhaps if he had, our lives would be very different right now. We could have had many more years together. There have been many times when I have known friends were cheating and didn't tell, when I knew their spouses were cheating on them and didn't tell. I do not know that it was cowardice so much as experience that taught me to keep my mouth shut. I lost more than one friend in the past because I was the one who told. The couple would make up, and I was cast away as the "not nice name here" who "tried to break them up". Either because the BP did not believe it, or because the WP convinced the BP that I was lying, or they just plain "worked it out" and I was someone who knew what was an "embarassment" to one or both of them. I learned the hard way that is was best to keep my mouth shut, and let them find out on their own, or "lead" them gently to discovery (I once took a friend out to dinner where I knew her SOs OW was working and SO would be picking up the OW after work. I let BW see it happen, rather than to tell her about it. Her choice to not believe her "own lying eyes" flabbergasted me! And she ended up going home with SO, and I took OW (who come to find out did not know she was OW) out for a few stiff drinks and a few games of pool... *shrug* That has to be one of the worst situations to be put in...one of my friends was in your sitch...she happened to be at the same party in which my SO was at, which I might add, he started a fight with me that night so that he could "storm out" to the party of which I had no knowledge of (I would have gone!) She told me about it, and I was SO STUPID and didn't believe her and our friendship priddy much ended after that...I was pregnant at the time with my first son and ended up M'ing him...hell I was 19 and very stupid. He continued to see others....lol...I was watching the TV show Dynasty one night (old night time soap) and said God if you could give me a guy like Lorenzo Lamas everything would be perfect...God did and I ran off with the best looking, nice guy I'd ever seen in my life....Damn my daughters dad was fine.....
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