Are we the abnormal ones obsessing over sex

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Posted elsewhere and since my foil mem11363 was offended by it, I figure it needs a thread of its own....

 

Really when we complain about the lack of sex? I look around and see my friends, my neighbours, contemporaries.... And frankly I don't think there is all this great sex..... I posted my fun little survey where the divorced friends with younger girlfriends (we're 40's, they 30's), in newer relationships, where they did not live together were having sex 10-12X's a month and the married ones 1-3X's a month.

 

I know others in sexless marriages or divorced and frankly don't see a lot of bed hopping there. I see people content raising kids or or going on with their lives. The women, at least the one's I know are all very attractive, intelligent and would have no problems finding men, and trust me friends with benefits (fwb's) and available men (married or not) are there.

 

My spouse was away recently on a beach vacation.... I looked forward to her return, her being relaxed and missing me and happy to have been on a sunny beach vs. freezing temps and snow. Guess what???? She was turned completely off being harassed by males trying to chat her up and hoping for more (very few daunted by the ring on her finger).....

 

The only ones getting all this sex (the variety and different kind that Lizzie60 seems to profess) frankly are those living what seems the "alternative" lifestyle.....

 

So as I see it, maybe we are the one's making too big a deal about it..... Sad but true....

[Lizzie60]

Posted elsewhere and since my foil mem11363 was offended by it, I figure it needs a thread of its own....

 

Really when we complain about the lack of sex? I look around and see my friends, my neighbours, contemporaries.... And frankly I don't think there is all this great sex..... I posted my fun little survey where the divorced friends with younger girlfriends (we're 40's, they 30's), in newer relationships, where they did not live together were having sex 10-12X's a month and the married ones 1-3X's a month.

 

I know others in sexless marriages or divorced and frankly don't see a lot of bed hopping there. I see people content raising kids or or going on with their lives. The women, at least the one's I know are all very attractive, intelligent and would have no problems finding men, and trust me friends with benefits (fwb's) and available men (married or not) are there.

 

My spouse was away recently on a beach vacation.... I looked forward to her return, her being relaxed and missing me and happy to have been on a sunny beach vs. freezing temps and snow. Guess what???? She was turned completely off being harassed by males trying to chat her up and hoping for more (very few daunted by the ring on her finger).....

 

The only ones getting all this sex (the variety and different kind that Lizzie60 seems to profess) frankly are those living what seems the "alternative" lifestyle.....

 

So as I see it, maybe we are the one's making too big a deal about it..... Sad but true....

 

 

First bold... were you missed? Maybe she was in fact 'turned on' by all those males drooling after her..

 

If you think that 8-10 times yearly is obsessing about sex.. then maybe you are making too big a deal about it..

[Toodamnpragmatic]

First bold... were you missed? Maybe she was in fact 'turned on' by all those males drooling after her..

 

If you think that 8-10 times yearly is obsessing about sex.. then maybe you are making too big a deal about it..

 

Trust me.... She hated the attention.... She happily wanted to work on her tan, talk to her friend, read and relax....

 

And not because I must....... but because I have to make it very clear, 8-10 is defined as "sexless" and thus I am no where near sexless.... Have said it over and over just not where I would like it and think is a reasonable # in my mind....

[crazycatlady]

Posted elsewhere and since my foil mem11363 was offended by it, I figure it needs a thread of its own....

 

Really when we complain about the lack of sex? I look around and see my friends, my neighbours, contemporaries.... And frankly I don't think there is all this great sex..... I posted my fun little survey where the divorced friends with younger girlfriends (we're 40's, they 30's), in newer relationships, where they did not live together were having sex 10-12X's a month and the married ones 1-3X's a month.

 

I know others in sexless marriages or divorced and frankly don't see a lot of bed hopping there. I see people content raising kids or or going on with their lives. The women, at least the one's I know are all very attractive, intelligent and would have no problems finding men, and trust me friends with benefits (fwb's) and available men (married or not) are there.

 

My spouse was away recently on a beach vacation.... I looked forward to her return, her being relaxed and missing me and happy to have been on a sunny beach vs. freezing temps and snow. Guess what???? She was turned completely off being harassed by males trying to chat her up and hoping for more (very few daunted by the ring on her finger).....

 

The only ones getting all this sex (the variety and different kind that Lizzie60 seems to profess) frankly are those living what seems the "alternative" lifestyle.....

 

So as I see it, maybe we are the one's making too big a deal about it..... Sad but true....

 

Well as one in an alternative lifestyle - which really doesn't happen that often and isn't a priority at all - yeah it is good for our sex life, and it can go anywhere between 1x to 7+x a week but average is 4x. But before we got into it, we were still averaging sex once a week. Sometimes we went more then that between times, but we would then do it several times in another week to make up for it.

 

However I do discuse this with my friends. We talk about sex a lot, we will go to the adult toy store, discuse the ones we like best. A friend has a very strange sleeping habit with her h and we talked about that. Another friend comes to me about her frustrations about the medication she is taking killing her sex drive. One friends Mom has been known to talk about it much to the embaressment of her daughter, and I know how often they (in the 60s) do it. I really wanted her to come to the sex toy party I was having because she would have been a real hoot.

 

But in the discussion, I know the one with medication would rather be doing it at least three times a week but the medication keeps her from orgasming and is killing her interest and right now she has to take it. Its very upsetting to her.

 

One friend who I take her child to school will go "I had a great morning/night/afternoon" wink nudge at least twice a week, as well as the fact that I'm not to call on saturdays during hte day because they sneak away for them time at that time.

 

The strange sleeping habit friend told me how they managed to keep things sparked between them. They have a pretty active life too.

 

Because the friend's whose Mom talked to me about it she and her H keep very different hours - she goes to bed at like 6:30/7 and he stays up, they have a sunday night 6pm date. Come hell or high water, they are doing it at 6pm sunday night. And she will not for any reason miss her date time. And I witnessed one rather stern lecture to her daughter about the fact she called during that time. Her daughter was like I didn't call until 7:30 and she answered that they only do it once a week, do you think its going to be a quickie? I love that woman.

 

I do have friends who I don't know if they are doing it or not. They don't strike me as the type who would be. But all my closest friends do have a lot of sex and with their long term married partners. And none of them have an alternative lifestyle.

 

As for making too big of a deal out of it? I don't know. Sex is an important need for most people. Having your needs met is an important part of being happy. When the sex sucks, the marriage seems to suffer. When the sex is good, it just seems like the things that might bring you down are dealt with easier.

 

CCL

[cuppa]

My spouse was away recently on a beach vacation.... I looked forward to her return, her being relaxed and missing me and happy to have been on a sunny beach vs. freezing temps and snow. Guess what???? She was turned completely off being harassed by males trying to chat her up and hoping for more (very few daunted by the ring on her finger).....

 

 

I also found this statement very strange. Did she tell you this? ... I don't know but I think a lot of women will act annoyed or pissed off but secretly feel "Yes, I still got it" lol.

 

Being hit on is actually a boost to her ego. Of course, at some points, it might get annoying (esp if the men didn't stop at the first no) but still.....I find it hard to believe that this is a turn off or an annoyance.

 

I mean my bestfriend looks like a victoria secret model (the curvy one, not the thin skinny one) but when we go to the beach together, it's not like a stream of guys keep coming our way. Probably a few friendly chats & appreciative glace, hardly an annoyance, it's quite nice actually lol.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I also found this statement very strange. Did she tell you this? ... I don't know but I think a lot of women will act annoyed or pissed off but secretly feel "Yes, I still got it" lol.

 

Being hit on is actually a boost to her ego. Of course, at some points, it might get annoying (esp if the men didn't stop at the first no) but still.....I find it hard to believe that this is a turn off or an annoyance.

 

I mean my bestfriend looks like a victoria secret model (the curvy one, not the thin skinny one) but when we go to the beach together, it's not like a stream of guys keep coming our way. Probably a few friendly chats & appreciative glace, hardly an annoyance, it's quite nice actually lol.

 

 

That is a fact.... Or do you want to hear that my wife is lying to me and actually slept around while away on vacation? She get's enough affirmation from me and those in her everyday life. Men in the Carribean are relentless, along with single guys on vacation think it is open season.... Add to that this new "cougar" culture, where everyone thinks older attractive women alone are looking for companionship is an open invitation. My wife has a short fuse for that type of thing.

 

Cuppa, how are you doing? You have joined a number of threads but have been mum on your "issues".... No need to update if you are uncomfortable.

[Samantha0905]

I get annoyed if I'm out with a girlfriend(s) in a bar situation -- just hanging out laughing and drinking -- and men constantly approach. I'm just there to be with my friends. I probably do discriminate, however, depending on the hotness factor of a particular man. It is nice to be noticed. It just gets annoying when unknowns get overly zealous.

 

As for your thread topic, I wonder what is considered "normal" and what is obsessing about sex. How many times a week do married people have sex? I'm sure it's dependent on how many years they've been married, whether there are young children being raised, etc. Seems there would be statistics somewhere.

 

There's been no sex in my marriage for a while now and lately I'm worried about how much I'm not obsessing about it anymore. I just want to be left alone and I love sex -- just not with my husband so much.

[cuppa]

I get annoyed if I'm out with a girlfriend(s) in a bar situation -- just hanging out laughing and drinking -- and men constantly approach. I'm just there to be with my friends. I probably do discriminate, however, depending on the hotness factor of a particular man. It is nice to be noticed. It just gets annoying when unknowns get overly zealous.

 

...just like my husband said, it's only sexual harrassment if the men are ugly, old, and sleazy but if they look like Brad Pitt (in his fight club days), then no, it's not sexual harassment, they are just hitting on you and find you beautiful LOL.

[cuppa]

Cuppa, how are you doing? You have joined a number of threads but have been mum on your "issues".... No need to update if you are uncomfortable.

 

Nothing going on so far, he hasn't followed up on his promises. I reminded him a couple of times but nothing happened so far.

 

He's been extra careful, like always asking how I feel or what I do for the day, work his schedule around me. When I'm not out, then we will try to do things together.

 

But yeah, I am still waiting for him to arrange the MC, we have decided on the councelor but I don't know why he hasn't done it yet.

 

But back to your topic, I'm a bit confused. Are you saying that there is more to it than sex and you are ok with it? Not that there is anything wrong to it, there are always 2 point of views such as

 

1. Love > Sex, there are more things than Sex

2. Without Sex/passion, we will just be roommates

 

So I think we just have to subscribe to which point of view and move on.

[blind_otter]

I have an alternative alternative point of view, and I do think sex is not everything. I've had a very active sex life in the past. But it didn't make me a happy or fulfilled person.

 

I guess I tend to think that people who complain about lack of sex are really complaining about some other deeper, less "socially appropriate topic of discussion" kind of lack. Maybe an existential one, maybe something else. And they label this other, more nebulous feeling as frustration over lack of sex.

 

Just a theory.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Nothing going on so far, he hasn't followed up on his promises. I reminded him a couple of times but nothing happened so far.

 

He's been extra careful, like always asking how I feel or what I do for the day, work his schedule around me. When I'm not out, then we will try to do things together.

 

But yeah, I am still waiting for him to arrange the MC, we have decided on the councelor but I don't know why he hasn't done it yet.

 

But back to your topic, I'm a bit confused. Are you saying that there is more to it than sex and you are ok with it? Not that there is anything wrong to it, there are always 2 point of views such as

 

1. Love > Sex, there are more things than Sex

2. Without Sex/passion, we will just be roommates

 

So I think we just have to subscribe to which point of view and move on.

 

 

No sure I understand your question. My wife is a complicated person. We have a very good marriage in general and for 23.5 years together there are ebbs and flows (throw children in to the mix too)..... Certainly we are not roommates as she would have kicked me by now if that was the case. What I am saying is here on LS there is significant importance put on sex, which I do consider very important, but really over-emphasized and analyzed at times.....

[cuppa]

No sure I understand your question. My wife is a complicated person. We have a very good marriage in general and for 23.5 years together there are ebbs and flows (throw children in to the mix too)..... Certainly we are not roommates as she would have kicked me by now if that was the case. What I am saying is here on LS there is significant importance put on sex, which I do consider very important, but really over-emphasized and analyzed at times.....

 

Yep, I agree. There will be days when I feel happy (says, after I did kickboxing, had great dinner with hubby with easy & nice conversation) then I went to LS, then I got reminded on the sex/intimacy issue. I can't help feeling a little bit blue when I'm coming here LOL (like right now, killing time before my IC).

 

You seem to have a good marriage though. Companionship is very important, imagining your life with that someone in your old days, holding hands in the harbor, talking about mundane things over a glass of wine (bless our hearts, hopefully we take care our health such that at that age, we can still safely have our wine) is something that is very rarely discussed here.

 

I know I can't easily love people (other than my family) and I love my husband. I might be only 21 when I met him but I also look, I was a very mature 21 y.o with the list of things that I wanted from a husband and he really fits my list. If say, he has accident, becomes disabled and we can't make love for the rest of our lives, will I walk away from him because of it? of course not....that's not what marriage is all about.

 

Saying this however, doesn't mean that I have to accept status quo. I want us to rekindle our passions, the way we have it in the early days and I have a feeling that looking at SarahRose's posting, we will uncover & solve few issues (esp his upbringing and his attitude toward sex in general).

[WalkInThePark]

No sure I understand your question. My wife is a complicated person. We have a very good marriage in general and for 23.5 years together there are ebbs and flows (throw children in to the mix too)..... Certainly we are not roommates as she would have kicked me by now if that was the case. What I am saying is here on LS there is significant importance put on sex, which I do consider very important, but really over-emphasized and analyzed at times.....

 

But TDP, if you say that you have a very good marriage in general and you do have sex on a regular basis, then what is the problem for you?

[Samantha0905]

No sure I understand your question. My wife is a complicated person. We have a very good marriage in general and for 23.5 years together there are ebbs and flows (throw children in to the mix too)..... Certainly we are not roommates as she would have kicked me by now if that was the case. What I am saying is here on LS there is significant importance put on sex, which I do consider very important, but really over-emphasized and analyzed at times.....

 

For me I over-emphasize and analyze it because the only good sex I've ever had is in my affair. I think about it more because passion and intimacy are missing in my marriage. We do get along, however, and have been married 27 years and have two children. Perhaps, in the affair the passion/intimacy would have waned -- but it has never really been there in my marriage.

 

Do you feel passion and intimacy are a part of your relationship with your wife? If so, then that's great. For me it isn't and I suppose I focus on something I don't have, but would love to have in my marriage. It's important to me.

[carhill]

I guess I tend to think that people who complain about lack of sex are really complaining about some other deeper, less "socially appropriate topic of discussion" kind of lack. Maybe an existential one, maybe something else. And they label this other, more nebulous feeling as frustration over lack of sex.

 

A simple observation from my past M: For me, sex was an expression of intimacy; for my stbx, sex was a substitute for intimacy. Disparate perspectives of one act and regarding much deeper issues. Perhaps this supports your theory.

 

For the OP, in my past experiences with married women, both while single and married, it was the *potential* of attraction, the titillation, the ego feed, which interested them and kept them in the game, even if 'nothing happened'. Innocent validation with plausible deniability. If my stbx came to me with such statements, I knew exactly what was going on; the words belied the truth. Such is human nature, in my cynical view. Experience has made that view what it is.

[giotto]

I asked myself the same question in my thread... do I put too much emphasis on sex? Should I just accept a "once every 6 months" relationship? Am I being selfish? Am I abnormal? Is the family/kids side of the relationship more important than the physical side? Should I resign to it, accept it and carry on even if I'm unhappy? Is it really right to stay for the children? Am I wrong to be seeking connection and intimacy through physical contact after 25 years together? Is it right that my wife asks me to accept a sexless marriage because other couples do and are happy nevertheless? Am I entitled to be angry about this? Am I a selfish monster? Because this is how I feel at the moment...

[Jeff1962]

do you feel passion and intimacy are a part of your relationship with your wife? If so, then that's great. For me it isn't and i suppose i focus on something i don't have, but would love to have in my marriage. It's important to me.

 

bingo!!!!!!!!! Ding, ding, ding, ding!

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Really when we complain about the lack of sex? I look around and see my friends, my neighbours, contemporaries....

 

What bothers me more than this is that when I look around to my friends, neighbors, relatives, and the general population... I do not see high quality marriages (or other LTRs). If everyone was happy other than the sex, OK, let’s talk about the sex.

 

There are couples who openly talk about it obviously have relationship issues. There are the couples who don't talk about it openly, but you can read in the way treat their spouse. And then there's the one's that seem happy but often end up being the "they seemed so perfect and now they are getting a divorce?" couples...

 

We as a society have no problem letting marriage just slip away like it's no big deal... If there was no such thing as a divorce, couples would have to work together to figure out a way to make the sex work among other things. But I suppose murder and suicide and other crime would rise as alarming rates!

 

In any case, back on topic, I think TDP you are right to a point. We are a little over obsessed with sex. A woman (or man for that matter) who is faithful, hardworking, sincere and communicates well with his or her partner, is COMPLETELY entitled to sex as infrequently as 2-4 times a month. Getting the libido’s to match or compromise can be a challenge. However, the bigger problem is that often there are other things going on at the same time that really create a bigger problem out of the lack of sex, which goes back to the quality of the entire relationship.

 

Something that has worked EXTREMELY well for us as a couple, and we use on occasion may seem very odd to those who don't get it. I knew about the technique for years, (read it in the book “Kosher Sex”) but just recently have begun to use it. It actually gets her more into it to and more wanting it (who am I kidding it does the same for me too). Sex without orgasm. No longer is the focus of every intimate moment getting to climax. The excitement builds for the next intimate moment… until the right time and opportunity arrives when we take the time to enjoy “going all the way!”

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

For the OP, in my past experiences with married women, both while single and married, it was the *potential* of attraction, the titillation, the ego feed, which interested them and kept them in the game, even if 'nothing happened'. Innocent validation with plausible deniability. If my stbx came to me with such statements, I knew exactly what was going on; the words belied the truth. Such is human nature

 

Couldn't have said this any better myself.

[dazzle22]

I suggest the book "Mating in Captivity" for anyone struggling with keeping passion alive in a long term relationship. Very thought provoking.

 

She suggests that when you fall in love, you have the desire to "merge" with your love object, but over time, such closeness and coziness can douse the fires of passion because passion requires a sense of mystery, distance, and yearning for the love object. If that person is constantly under your nose, no high yearning there. She says you have to have a sense of that person's "otherness", like + and - poles of a magnet to draw you together. It really made sense to me.

 

I don't understand women who are offended by the attention of men, or by men who open doors for them. I am extremely flattered when men notice me or are courteous to me. The day no eyes look up when I walk in a room or on the beach is going to be a sad day, and I will go to a bar and drown my sorrows:laugh:, because that means I am an OLD LADY..

 

When I am at a swim up bar at a pool while my husband is diving, I get a lot of harmless attention, and I joke around and just appreciate the fact that men still think I am worthy of a "try". What is to be offended about that??

[SarahRose]

Well I sit here in tears and very angry this morning after being rejected once again.

 

Do I think other people out there are boinking like rabbits all the time? No I don't. Do I think it is ok to expect to have sex 2-3 times a week? Yes I do. I don't think that is unreasonable at all.

 

As for people hitting on you all the time, it does get annoying after awhile because it is like you just can't be a person out in public without people invading your privacy.

 

And yes dazzle, you'll get old and no longer get that attention. Then what? From the older ladies I know in their 70s and 80s, they STILL get some attention but frankly most of them are relieved by not getting it and still some are relieved to be widows.

 

Am I wrong for wanting regular sex with my husband? I don't think I am wrong. The anger that my mind and body feels after each rejection is telling me that it is wrong for someone to marry you and then turn you away.

 

I remember posting here before we were married and we were having it maybe 1-2 times a week and I thought he had a low sex drive and somehow that was much much easier to accept than discovering his porn habit was replacing our sex.

 

I felt very very cheated. I still do.

 

Do I enjoy the friendship and companionship that we have? Sure, but I can get that from a friend or roommate.

[giotto]

Well I sit here in tears and very angry this morning after being rejected once again.

 

Do I think other people out there are boinking like rabbits all the time? No I don't. Do I think it is ok to expect to have sex 2-3 times a week? Yes I do. I don't think that is unreasonable at all.

 

As for people hitting on you all the time, it does get annoying after awhile because it is like you just can't be a person out in public without people invading your privacy.

 

And yes dazzle, you'll get old and no longer get that attention. Then what? From the older ladies I know in their 70s and 80s, they STILL get some attention but frankly most of them are relieved by not getting it and still some are relieved to be widows.

 

Am I wrong for wanting regular sex with my husband? I don't think I am wrong. The anger that my mind and body feels after each rejection is telling me that it is wrong for someone to marry you and then turn you away.

 

I remember posting here before we were married and we were having it maybe 1-2 times a week and I thought he had a low sex drive and somehow that was much much easier to accept than discovering his porn habit was replacing our sex.

 

I felt very very cheated. I still do.

 

Do I enjoy the friendship and companionship that we have? Sure, but I can get that from a friend or roommate.

 

mmm... I just feel for you... hugs...

[Stung]

Nobody can answer for what is 'normal' or 'abnormal', but there is compatibility. Personally, I am a married mid-30s woman with young kids underfoot and keeping me up at night, and I have less sex than I used to because of it, but I would have a very hard time adjusting to 1-3x a month. That would feel like far too little physical affection for me, I would feel unwanted. We average 3x per week right now and if we got better sleep that average would probably go back up. Sex charges me up and makes me feel closer to my husband, it seems like knowing he finds me sexy is good for my health, ha ha. Yet I have a close friend, also married, mid-30s, young child, for whom 1x a month or less would probably be great, she is also busy and tired and all she ever wants to do is soak in a hot bath once she gets free time . I think she and I are BOTH normal. Just different people, different priorities...and lucky we're not in a relationship with each other!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Nobody can answer for what is 'normal' or 'abnormal', but there is compatibility. Personally, I am a married mid-30s woman with young kids underfoot and keeping me up at night, and I have less sex than I used to because of it, but I would have a very hard time adjusting to 1-3x a month. That would feel like far too little physical affection for me, I would feel unwanted. We average 3x per week right now and if we got better sleep that average would probably go back up. Sex charges me up and makes me feel closer to my husband, it seems like knowing he finds me sexy is good for my health, ha ha. Yet I have a close friend, also married, mid-30s, young child, for whom 1x a month or less would probably be great, she is also busy and tired and all she ever wants to do is soak in a hot bath once she gets free time . I think she and I are BOTH normal. Just different people, different priorities...and lucky we're not in a relationship with each other!

 

Valentine's day there was a program on TLC Sextisitics.... Said those in their 30's with kids were 4X/mth.... Number increased to 6 in their 40's.......

 

Now when you say a woman has 1X/mth.... Is that her wish or her husbands????

[Stung]

Valentine's day there was a program on TLC Sextisitics.... Said those in their 30's with kids were 4X/mth.... Number increased to 6 in their 40's.......

 

Now when you say a woman has 1X/mth.... Is that her wish or her husbands????

 

 

 

With the couple in this particular instance, the husband would like more frequent sex. I have known her for over 25 years however, since before we even developed sexually, and she has always had a similarly low sex drive. She is an extremely attractive woman, compassionate, funny and talented, a good mother, the main financial support of their family, so you could certainly say her husband is still getting the best end of their bargain, and they lived together for five years before marriage so he knew what he was getting into. She is on the low end of the sexual drive spectrum, but still within normal ranges i.e. has occasional desires and is not asexual. Does her husband regret their marriage? I certainly hope not, for her sake, but then she did not pull a bait and switch, she has always been this way. And for that reason, I, who am on the high end of the drive spectrum, would not have married someone with her drive myself.

 

I do believe a marriage is the sum of all its parts, the romance, the affection, the friendship, the teamwork, the parenting, the future-planning, the caretaking, as well as the sex. To some I believe all those parts together can outweigh the importance of the sexual impulse, but to many others it can't. I haven't been faced with the issue myself, but I know myself well enough to know it would be a monstrous struggle to have to reconcile myself to sex only a few times a year, I know my self-esteem would suffer and I would feel detached emotionally from my husband. But then, our sex life only suffers when I am feeling angry or alienated from him and vice versa, we only detach sexually when we are feeling detached emotionally. So it is likely that someone like me would read far more into a sexless marriage than would someone like my friend, who does not value sex highly as an expression of affection. It's all perception, and priority, and subjective emotional value. And it's all relatively normal.

 

I do very much sympathize with all the posters in this thread who struggle with this issue in their marriages. It would be a tough issue for me, as well. I don't think it makes you selfish in your marriages, it just makes you different at emotional prioritizing than your partners.