Tashcw Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Hi all, Am feeling absolutely and utterly desperate today. I think I know what your answers will be, but think I need to hear them anyway as I am at the lowest point I have ever been. I started an affair with my DP about 20 months ago (again, I realise some of you will say this is karma, but I had never, ever felt this way about someone before. Ever. Thinking of him made me feel dizzy and although I broke it off twice during this time, I just couldn't cope without him). He had also had 2 other (short term) affairs before me so I managed to convince myself that their marriage failing was not my fault - whether it was or not I now don't know. His wife found out last July and when she confronted him, he admitted it and left her, moving into rented accommodation immediately and saying we could finally be together. Since then we had a couple of 'wobbles' (never going back to her, but just hard points where he was quite down), as he desperately missed having his boys around permanently, but around October time it all settled down and he seemed continually happy (and more importantly, so did his 2 boys, who I have not yet met). We talked about moving forward, marriage, meeting his children, becoming a stepmom, he spent Christmas at mine, we spent time with each others friends and families, were due to go on holiday in 2 weeks etc etc. Then last weekend his ex and 2 boys went skiing for the first time without him. He was very quiet for a couple of days, and then Tuesday morning told me that he didn't know what he wanted anymore, broke down and said he just didn't know what to do. He said he needed Tuesday night to think, then texted me Wednesday morning to say he wanted a separation and needed to be alone to give his family a chance. He'd said on Tuesday morning he felt he needed someone to talk to, so I sent him therapist details, told him that I honestly believe his boys would be happier seeing their dad with someone who he loves and who loves him (his ex was very, very cold to him - I know this from hearing them both talk about their break up and the effect her actions had on the children etc). I haven't heard anything since then and am an absolute mess. I have had bad relationships before and finally felt this was going to be a happy future and honestly thought he did too. So, I know the general advice will be to break away, grow strong etc etc but I think I just need to hear it from you all as you have all helped me before. I'd also love to know stories, good and bad, of DPs that have wavered and how people coped. Thank you all, T xx
SuburbanOblivion Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Just a guess but it sounds to me like he's gone back to his wife. If he hasn't he is certainly considering it. I wish I had better than that for you. Maybe trying the OW/OM board? There are a lot of people there who know about cake-eaters and flip-floppers.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Then last weekend his ex and 2 boys went skiing for the first time without him. I think this is the crux of the problem. It does not sound like he wants to go back to his wife, so much as he does not want to be excluded or replaced in his place in the family in general. In this case, it sounds like he wants and needs the family unit, and the wife is a part of that unit rather than the primary reason for going home. Some men just cannot stand the idea of losing that 'father/husband' spot, and all that it entails - the idea of some other man playing 'dad' to his children, the idea of the family moving on without him, etc.
jerrytodd Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 T - give him time and his distance. I can tell you from my experience that it is what I should have done last year with my now ex-GF. She decided that he ex-H would never accept me and it was hard on her to hear that. So she pushed me away and over 15 months we ended up splitting. If I could roll back time I would have pushed a break with her so she forced herself to make the him or me decision while there was still a lot of love in the relationship. Good luck and keep posting.
Author Tashcw Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 Thank you all. I realise that he has no doubt gone back. In fact, his family are back today and it's killing me thinking of him being over there now and what he's saying to her, even though I do know it's not her fault. I just feel so desperate and try to remain strong and take it day by day. It just seems such a waste and am dreading how I'm going to feel in 2 weeks when we're meant to be on our holiday together. I'll try and post on the OP / OW board too - thanks SO for that suggestion.
bittersweet memories Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Thank you all. I realise that he has no doubt gone back. In fact, his family are back today and it's killing me thinking of him being over there now and what he's saying to her, even though I do know it's not her fault. I just feel so desperate and try to remain strong and take it day by day. It just seems such a waste and am dreading how I'm going to feel in 2 weeks when we're meant to be on our holiday together. I'll try and post on the OP / OW board too - thanks SO for that suggestion. Yes, start a new thread, i notice you combine it with another thread.
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