soup Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 So I split with my girlfriend after over a year. Most of the time I wasn't happy and gradually became physically as well as mentally unwell. She isn't an evil person but has a lot of issues that I don't need to go into here. I felt like a victim of psychological abuse. I really did my best to hang in there and work on the relationship but finally I found the strength to admit to myself that I was just making myself miserable with no light at the end of the tunnel ever. I've tried to break up with her as gently as possible. She took a half-hearted overdose, threatened me with various things, I had to call the police one time. I looked after her for a few days, tried to get her to go to work, found her a counsellor, tried to get her to talk to a friend or a helpline about her problems, including not only the problem of splitting with me. I had to change my number because of the constant phone calls. Now she has somehow got my new number but won't tell me how. I didn't see her for about 10 days. I answered the phone to her no more than once a day or once every 2 days, just to make sure she is physically OK. I care about her wellbeing but there is no way I would go back. I have been clear about this in a gentle way. Yesterday I agreed to meet her to talk. We saw a movie and had a coffee. She is like a stuck record just repeating "it's not fair" "let's start again" "give me another chance". For every 30 or 40 times she said this, I tried to explain that I don't want to, I've given her all the chances I can, I am sorry but I have to look out for myself. I didn't give her false hope. The nearest I came was being silent while she repeated her begging. She didn't seem to hear at all. It's so awful to see her reduced to this. The day was really really miserable for me too and by the end I was very close to losing my temper or walking away. I just said "i have to go home now," had to say it several times over the course of an hour before she let me go. She said she'll give me some space but of course she's already phoning again, I'm not answering. I don't want to see her ever again. Not out of spite or hate but just because it messes me up and it doesn't do her any good either. Loads of her stuff is in my house. Not sure what to do. I suppose I should just return her stuff and change my number again. Maybe it's just my ego but I don't want to be the bad guy. I want her to be OK. I don't want to be so cold. I suppose I have to just be the cold one?
That_girl Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 I'd hate to say this....but you might have to be the *******. I have some issues as well, and before my ex dumped me, I went to his place, made threats, and generally went insane. i was in shock and i felt like i was losing it. There were no police involved, and I didn't try to hurt myself or him. And eventually I got the message and left, and never returned...but I know what it feels like to be in her situation. I have begged throughout the relationship, just not to the extent that she has. When he finally slammed the door in my face, and told me that he did not love me anymore....I knew that I had to walk away and never look back. There is only so much rejection a person can take before they finally clue in. I am angry at him for being so heartless, but I know that I wouldn't have walked away otherwise. I think that she is having a hard time accepting the reality of this. I can't believe I'm actually about to tell you this but I think you need to cut her off COMPLETELY. Anytime you speak to her is giving her false hope, even though you're telling her that it's over. She doesn't see it that way. She'll only see it that once you have completely disappeared. I feel terrible telling you that because my ex hasn't called/acknowledged me AT ALL after the break-up and it's causing me a tremendous amount of pain. I will say that you couldn't possibly be as heartless as him, because at least you care enough to see how she is doing. I didn't even get that. But in a previous relationship, when someone was abusing me, I learned that the only way to get them out of your life is to never pick up another call or answer another email from them ever again. She will seek the help out for herself, and it would probably be better if you stopped providing her with a crutch. She needs to do this alone.
That_girl Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 By the way, I think at some point we all get a little crazy when it comes to love. It hurts when someone walks away from you, especially when you feel like you can't breathe without them. Oh and if you already have abandonment issues, this will suck even more. This will hurt her for a long time, but at least you know that you did all that you possibly could. So yeah, drop the stuff off, change your number, and don't look back. It was really therapeutic for me to look at things from this perspective!
Author soup Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 >>Oh and if you already have abandonment issues, this will suck even more. Yes she really does. Thanks a lot for your reply. I guess I know you're right, it really is my ego getting in the way because I want to think of myself as a good guy. I suppose sometimes it's a case of choosing the least bad thing out of two bad things.....
Ilovecake Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 (edited) So I split with my girlfriend after over a year. Most of the time I wasn't happy and gradually became physically as well as mentally unwell. She isn't an evil person but has a lot of issues that I don't need to go into here. I felt like a victim of psychological abuse. I really did my best to hang in there and work on the relationship but finally I found the strength to admit to myself that I was just making myself miserable with no light at the end of the tunnel ever. I've tried to break up with her as gently as possible. She took a half-hearted overdose, threatened me with various things, I had to call the police one time. I looked after her for a few days, tried to get her to go to work, found her a counsellor, tried to get her to talk to a friend or a helpline about her problems, including not only the problem of splitting with me. I had to change my number because of the constant phone calls. Now she has somehow got my new number but won't tell me how. I didn't see her for about 10 days. I answered the phone to her no more than once a day or once every 2 days, just to make sure she is physically OK. I care about her wellbeing but there is no way I would go back. I have been clear about this in a gentle way. Yesterday I agreed to meet her to talk. We saw a movie and had a coffee. She is like a stuck record just repeating "it's not fair" "let's start again" "give me another chance". For every 30 or 40 times she said this, I tried to explain that I don't want to, I've given her all the chances I can, I am sorry but I have to look out for myself. I didn't give her false hope. The nearest I came was being silent while she repeated her begging. She didn't seem to hear at all. It's so awful to see her reduced to this. The day was really really miserable for me too and by the end I was very close to losing my temper or walking away. I just said "i have to go home now," had to say it several times over the course of an hour before she let me go. She said she'll give me some space but of course she's already phoning again, I'm not answering. I don't want to see her ever again. Not out of spite or hate but just because it messes me up and it doesn't do her any good either. Loads of her stuff is in my house. Not sure what to do. I suppose I should just return her stuff and change my number again. Maybe it's just my ego but I don't want to be the bad guy. I want her to be OK. I don't want to be so cold. I suppose I have to just be the cold one? Two things: 1. You truly sound like a nice caring, individual. 2. It's actually kind of refreshing to read the other side of the coin in this forum. It sounds to me like you did everything you could to make this as painless as possible for your ex and I command you for this. However there comes a time when you just have to get tough, for your own well being. It sounds like she's still taking up a majority of your time even though you explained to her that you do not wish to be in her life. She's being very unreasonable and selfish, not to mention frighteningly needy. I would suggest complete lack of contact if possible. Mail her stuff to her (just take the financial loss, it will be worth it). Change your phone number yet again. Change all internet passwords; she might have a password to something you wouldn't even think of like your Amazon account or one of your utilities and that's how she's getting your phone number. Does she know where you live? If she start showing up I would go as far as getting a restraining order. I wish you the best of luck and remember you can never be too careful with someone that unstable. Edited February 21, 2010 by Ilovecake
Meaplus3 Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Two things: 1. You truly sound like a nice caring, individual. 2. It's actually kind of refreshing to read the other side of the coin in this forum. Boy do I agree with this.:) And I also agree that you sound like a very caring guy. The title of this thread say's it all. Now, as I see it you've been very good about this whole thing. I believe you have done your best in such a kind manner.. golly, I'm impressed by this. I say just return her stuff and let it be. Continue to not answer her calls and cut off all contact. She will take the hint and go away. Hang in there. Mea:)
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