Getting_stronger Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Hi all Can I post a few questions and get your responses please- Im loving this site- I feel so much better sharing all of this rather than bottling it inside. Ok here goes: 1. Is the purpose of NC to make someone come back or help you get over them- or (as I suspect) both? 2. Why do people say the most amazingly loving things , but then a few months later change their minds? How can you feel you are soulmates with someone and then not be? 3. Why do I, as a strong, confident, attractive woman, yearn for attention and love? I think thats it for now.... thank you
Chi NZ Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Hi Getting_stronger, I'll try and answer these for you, however I'm fresh out of a breakup myself and other Established/Support Members will be able to answer to a more knowledgeable degree. 1. NC is for self healing only, if your significant other contacts you wanting reconciliation & you're ready for that - awesome 2. This is Human Nature 3. Once again, you are human. Yearning to be loved and cherished is one of our most base instincts. Don't ever stop yearning, one day it will come in a beautifully packaged gift.
leoine Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Just my 2 cents: Hi all Can I post a few questions and get your responses please- Im loving this site- I feel so much better sharing all of this rather than bottling it inside. yes, as i have found, it is very very helpful to let it out and talk to friends and ppl. I read a lot of the posts on these boards and now have decided to contribute back and hope to help others too. 1. Is the purpose of NC to make someone come back or help you get over them- or (as I suspect) both? NC is to help YOU get over them. Personally, it is removing them AND the relationship from your life. Only by removing them from your life for a while, you will no longer see your interactions (if any) as part of your broken relationship. NC striped the relationship of lovers and the relationship itself from my life. Yes it was hard, because there was a void and you may have difficulty finding things/people to fill that void up. BUT eventually you will. And when you find youself doing things without them - life becomes easier and your thoughts are naturally taken away from thinking about them. Making myself busy was the best thing. I talked to friends, sometimes about how i felt and they were so supportive. It is okay to cry and it is good. These are all natural feelings. I made a habit of keeping them up to date with my process of healing and they are fine with it and supportive (i was so afraid of becoming the annoying sourpuss, but good friends are always there for you). And the advice I got was - DO NOT HOPE that they will come back. My ex was definite on that, so it is a waste of energy and love to hope for that to happen. That was my case. But perhaps yours is different. HOWEVER, I would have to say that the foremost purpose of NC is for YOU to get over the relationship and that a side-effect of it may be that your ex may want you back. 2. Why do people say the most amazingly loving things , but then a few months later change their minds? How can you feel you are soulmates with someone and then not be? To be brutally honest, I think a lot of the time people say things other people want to hear, to get them to do things, think things or whatever that would be appropriate for the purpose at the time. At one time, the statements may have been true, and now they aren't. To be crude, it is like saying to a lover that you did orgasm - only to later admit that were faking it at times. AND i think feelings change a lot, especially if you are young and still meeting a lot of new people and being open/receptive to new ideas. 3. Why do I, as a strong, confident, attractive woman, yearn for attention and love? It is natural and normal to want to feel loved by someone, to want to be wanted warts'n'all, to want be someone's everything and everything to someone. I think its a part of the human condition/nature and has nothing to do with the fact that you are a confident woman. I think the yearning for love that you are not borne with (like familial love or platonic love) is rare and that's why we all yearn for it - because i think, it is having someone in this world that will be by your side, supports you, improves you and appreciates and cherishes you. My friends tell me the same thing and I know I am - but matters of the heart are unexplicable. (oh, how i am a romantic!). I was very sad after my relationship break down and can't say I'm COMPLETELY over it now - but, you know what, I know that I'm getting there day by day.
Author Getting_stronger Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 But how do you stop thinking about all the good times? Its torture to go back to some places.
TaraMaiden Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 (edited) Hi all 1. Is the purpose of NC to make someone come back or help you get over them- or (as I suspect) both? No, it's most definitely not both. The purpose of no contact is to provide a safe place for your emotions to heal, rest, recuperate and become whole again, with the objective of regaining your self-worth and dignity, and enabling you to be the best person you can be, for someone new to fall in love with you, so that you don't carry baggage from this broken relationship, into the next one. 2. Why do people say the most amazingly loving things , but then a few months later change their minds? How can you feel you are soulmates with someone and then not be? People's motives for finding Love with another, are essentially selfish. people want to be loved, cherished and put first by somebody else, and they want to be the most important person in the other person's life. However, when the other person 'fails' in their eyes, to be the partner they feel would be the ideal, the picture is tarnished, and the reality of the matter - that the other person requires and deserves equal input - is often too much for them to endure. So instead of seeing that two people make an equal whole, they decide that the other person is actually failing, and reverse the process. 3. Why do I, as a strong, confident, attractive woman, yearn for attention and love? Being 'strong, confident and attractive' isn't what fulfils you. If it did, you wouldn't be asking the question. This is what you're projecting, but there's a piece of the puzzle missing. The piece is belief. Faith in yourself that you are everything you can be, for yourself. Not anybody else. You wish to be understood, appreciated and loved, just as any human being wishes. But the danger is in seeking validation outside of one's self, before establishing our own self-worth - and self-appreciation. If we seek perfect love outside of ourselves, we are in for constant and repeated disappointment, because in actual fact, nobody can love us, selflessly, as much as we can love ourselves. I'm not talking an Egotistically-based love here, the "Big I-am".... I'm talking about recognising that we are absolutely perfect, exactly the way we are, and that we are able to be loving and kind, because that is the base we are working from. Not the need or desire to be loved, but the gentle ability to Love and be kind, compassionate and loving, because we appreciate who we are, as we are, without need. I think thats it for now.... thank you no problem. I hope all answers here give you insight, motivation and understanding. Be well. Edited February 21, 2010 by TaraMaiden
Dragon_Lady Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 But how do you stop thinking about all the good times? Its torture to go back to some places. It is hard yes but perhaps try to make new memories in old places... For me I have a park site that is very special to me and one where I made many memories with my Ex... I had it in my head I could never go back there because it was 'Our Place'... so I went by myself and random thoughts and feelings came in to my head while I was there yes... but at the same time a feeling of peace and comfort also as I felt I had conquered a demon just by being there... its like being afraid of the dark and then shutting off the lights... sometimes you have to face those fears and try your hardest to overcome them... maybe take a friend along with you to these places you speak of then later you will think back on it as remembering the last time you were there with said friend instead of the Ex... in the end you will feel much better for having tried and it can only help you heal and grow stronger
JoJola Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Getting Stronger: I am probably not the best person to give any advice due to my own current situation but here goes anyway: NC is for your healing but it is so darn hard to do; stay busy..busy..and busy...initailly..dont look at old pictures, go to places you once were with them. Again I state initially! Now, when you are stronger maybe try to confront one demon at a time..for me it was the pictures we had. I couldnt even look at them w/o crying so I sent them to an online site, then i was voicemails I had saved he left me..and on and on. As i felt stronger I visited each one separately and dealed with the pain slowly. Now, I can look at the pictures, have deleted the voicemails etc....am on the way to recovery. Remember, this is me and may not be good for you, only u can decide And, I am a very confident, strong, successful woman...I also long to be loved; its human nature. There is nothing wrong with that at all...we jst need to learn who is deserving of our love! Just my perspective
Author Getting_stronger Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 OMG you guys are so so so great. Thank you. This site is really helping me- its hard to explain.
jerrytodd Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Hi all Can I post a few questions and get your responses please- Im loving this site- I feel so much better sharing all of this rather than bottling it inside. Ok here goes: 1. Is the purpose of NC to make someone come back or help you get over them- or (as I suspect) both? 2. Why do people say the most amazingly loving things , but then a few months later change their minds? How can you feel you are soulmates with someone and then not be? 3. Why do I, as a strong, confident, attractive woman, yearn for attention and love? I think thats it for now.... thank you 1. Yes to both. Lets be honest about that. But it is the perfect solution if they dont come back. I offered up the concept of mystery. You become a mystery to the other person. That cant be bad on any level. 2. They tell you what you want to hear, i.e. they are not being straight. 3. Think of love like heroin. NC is like avoiding your dealer and being in withdrawl. But heroin is so damned good!! (Think Trainspotting). It is the best feeling I ever had. Anyway those are my thoughts.
Author Getting_stronger Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 Jerry you are so right. It is like a drug. I felt so happy, so me! Now I feel shattered and so hurt. I agree with Reg Dragn that I will have to face all those 'happy moments' one by one I think and make them not so 'perfect'. The more I think about it, the more our relationship was not real- it was built on images and 'hoiday feelings' if that makes sense. The few times we had a hard patch - he was a different person. Cold and cutting.
jerrytodd Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Jerry you are so right. It is like a drug. I felt so happy, so me! Now I feel shattered and so hurt. I agree with Reg Dragn that I will have to face all those 'happy moments' one by one I think and make them not so 'perfect'. The more I think about it, the more our relationship was not real- it was built on images and 'hoiday feelings' if that makes sense. The few times we had a hard patch - he was a different person. Cold and cutting. Think also though that heroin makes you a junkie. Like a junkie I did nothing productive because of the love (aka heroin) that I had was so good I didnt need anything else. Interests, friends, etc went a little by the wayside. So yes, I am a junkie in withdrawl. And I realize it. And I will change a lot of things in a different relationship.
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