leoine Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Please bear with me as my post might be a bit long. All your thoughts will be appreciated. My Story: My ex and I were "friends" before we got together; went out for a year and a bit and then he broke it off because of me not being "the one", wanted to be single, too young, doesn't know what he wants etc etc (not entirely sure of the reason really). I say "friend" because during different stages of when we were friends, either one of us had a crush on the other. Like, he had a crush on me, I was seeing someone else, then i got the crush on him etc - like that till we got together. My dilemma is whether we did have a "friendship" at all, because it seems like during the whole time it was sustained by either one of us having a crush on the other. I'm confused and was wondering if anyone else had any experiences like this aswell? The second part is that now that we've broken up, with me (slowly) coming to acceptance of being broken up - I was just wondering if anyone could, in my position (as dumpee i guess), or his (as dumper), be platonic friends again? Is it all to hard? Did we ever have "friendship"? - Those are the questions that are running through my mind. He said he wants to be friends and chat about random stuff.... i don't think i can cos that's just how i fell for him. For me, my experience is that when friends transgress to lovers, there's no going back to friends. However, I find and said to him that when you are lovers first, you can be friends after when the relationship falls through because there wasn't an underlying compatibility going and you're just better as friends. Now that I am coming to terms with never being in a relationship with him ever again; I cannot imagine being able to be friends again, because I am scared of falling/liking him again. AND the fact that I am losing one of my closest and best friends scares me and makes me more sad than the actual demise of the relationship itself. What are your thoughts and experiences of this? My ex is a great guy - and easy to talk to about anything and really easy-going. If we were still friends, i'd talk to him about relationship troubles and all, but having been together, I am not comfortable in being so close him, nor that I would risk it (just in case i began to like him again). Perhaps, i should not try to be friends till i am completely over him? However, i would not know until I talked to him - so it appears to be a catch 22 situation. sigh.
apollo2588 Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Leoine- You're in a tough spot, but here are my thoughts from your story. Like you said, it's very easy to go from friends to lovers but near impossible to go back. The fact is... while he may in time be your friend again, he will forever be your ex. That title carries alot of weight and makes it hard to have a completely platonic relationship. Is it impossible? No, but it will be tough. My advice would definitely be to get over him before you try to be friends... and that means going NC. While it may be hard, it's the only way for you to get over your feelings for him and make it possible to be around him without those feelings creeping back up or wanting to jump his bones.... This line sticks out to me: If we were still friends, i'd talk to him about relationship troubles and all, but having been together, I am not comfortable in being so close him, nor that I would risk it (just in case i began to like him again). You already acknowledge that you are not comfertable being as close to him as you were... that right there should warn you that your friendship post-relationship may not be anywhere near what it was pre-relationship. I think the best you can do is slow down. Worry about getting over him first. When the time comes where you wake up and don't miss him as a lover... you can consider initiating contact. Make sure if you do though that you make it very clear that you are not interested in anything but a platonic relationship. Hope that helps, good luck!
Author leoine Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 Thanks for the reply apollo! I know that I will have to truly get over the lovers things first. I know that one day that day will come when I will be able to laugh about the relationship and not miss him as a lover! That day can't come fast enough - lol. I guess the most gut-wretching feeling is having lost the closeness of a friendship as the post-relationship acquaintances is not EVER going to be pre-relationship friendship - because I suppose, my perspective right now, is that i can't go back to being 'friends' nor risk ANY feelings coming back or arising anew. Any other thoughts or personal experiences?? All welcome!
Sadbutrelieved Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 It's possible to be close friends later, but it takes some time. The guy who came over yesterday to be here with me when my ex came to get his stuff is an old lover from ten years ago. We went out for three years and I was more devastated when we broke it off than I am this time around, but we've kept in touch over the years and are very good friends now with no romantic feelings on either of our parts. I think it depends on the personalities of both people. I'm rather open-minded and he is too, so it works for us. He tells me about his romantic hardships and was all gushy about this new woman he met yesterday and I felt really happy or him, no romantic feelings at all. It just depends I think. My current ex and I will never be "friends" because of his personality disorder. The only reason he would want to remain friends with me is to use me for something, probably money, and my eyes are wide open now as far as he is concerned.
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