I'm not sure how to proceed now and would appreciate your input

[confusedunsure]

Hello, I've been lurking there boards for a month and am amazed by all the advice and support that you guys provide.

 

I have recently run into a problem with my partner and I have no idea what to do at this point. I have too many thoughts and emotions running through my head and I don't want to make any mistakes I'll later regret.

 

Backstory:

I am a guy, finishing university. I have known this girl and been very good friends with her for the better part of the last 3 years, but we have only recently (1.5-2 months) started dating, mainly because we realized that we are right for each other. We have a deep emotional connection, and there is no possible way I've found that we can exhaust conversation topics with each other. When we're together, everything feels right and we're not afraid to say it. She is literally the first girl I've dated that I can see myself spending the rest of my life with and being happy. She has told me she can see it that way, too.

 

However, there is one point of contention on which we do not always agree - the nature of the relationship. Having had a series of monogamous relationships in the past, it's a bit unusual for me to accept, emotionally, someone who claims to need extra-dyadic involvement from time to time. Rationally, I think I understand it - no one person can be expected to fully satisfy another, on an intellectual or a physical level. Many people have fantasies and are still attracted to others regardless of whether they are in relationship or not. The high rates of divorce and self-admitted cheating, the existence of sites like AshleyMadison, all point to the idea that it's very common and natural for people to seek to fulfill their fantasies and desires which do not necessarily involve just the primary partner. It's good to acknowledge these urges - many married guys still check out other girls, and the reverse is true for married women. As long as there is complete honesty in the relationship, rationally, I do not want to be someone who limits and boxes in my significant other - especially if we have such an amazing emotional relationship - one that has lasted almost three years without any signs of dying down. To do it would be a display of distrust, of fear, of insecurity - feelings that should not be there if we truly love each other. I would hate to be the guy standing in the way of her happiness with another person.

 

But this is cold, calculating, emotionless logic. When I try to imagine how I would feel if she has sex with someone else, even if it's meaningless, emotionless sex, I still see myself hurt - but I cannot rationalize why. She has told me that her relationship with me is far more important than any "fling" and understands my position. However, she is unsure if she can keep it up long-term, as she can be an impulsive person. She has promised to be completely honest about everything that happens. That's where we were before today.

 

Today, she told me she had sex with another guy as recently as two days ago. Unfortunately, it also wasn't just any guy. They met previously and exchanged e-mails afterward (she showed them to me at the time), in which he a) revealed that he has a fiance and b) made rather derogatory comments towards myself and my relationship with my girlfriend (in other words, that I may lack something he doesn't). Points a) and especially b) greatly pissed both of us off, and she told that she would never sleep with a guy like that. Over the next few weeks leading up to today, I fully trusted her and had no reason to suspect that there was anything between him and her that could lead to sex.

 

Yet it did. And now I feel betrayed and angry. Angry that the girl I love (and one, I hope, loves me back) would have sex with a guy that thinks so badly of me and my relationship with her. Betrayed because she didn't tell me or discuss it with me. I think I would find it in my heart to understand and forgive her (and would probably feel less betrayed/angry) if she had told me beforehand or did with someone I don't know about - if there was honesty and least some method to this madness. I feel taken advantage of. When she told me, she broke down and cried and said that she can't believe herself that she did it... she's afraid of losing me and if she could turn back time, she would.

 

I'm not sure what to do at this point. Here I have a girl with whom I've formed a connection I've never formed before with anyone in my life. Something that feels real and meaningful - a girl to whom I can say "I love you" without doubt in the back of my mind. I think I can find it in my heart to forgive her - everyone makes mistakes in times of passion. But what would this forgiveness mean? Do we remain friends? Are we still in a relationship? I am not sure where to go from this. If we stay in a relationship, how do I make sure that I can trust her?

Is this even cheating, considering her outlook on relationships? I feel that if she were completely honest, I would be able to understand it, or if I at least had a measure of control, I would not feel so hopeless and powerless. How do I act the next time I see her?

 

Sorry for such a long post and I appreciate those of you who have taken the time to read it. Writing this out has at least helped me feel better, if only a little bit. Thank you.

[ducknrun]

I am sorry this happened to you

 

By reading your post I feel as though in your mind she is the "one" for you. That is something special but cheating is cheating and there’s really no way around it. I mean it’s great that she told you versus you finding out but it doesn't make it hurt less.

 

As most people would say just move on, it's better to move. If she cheated on you will not be able to trust her.

 

On the other hand my first post was about my fiancé cheating on me. I loved her indefinitely and probably even on the day she cheated on me I was ready to forgive her... wrong or right that’s how I was... nothing worth losing her. I tried to work us out for over a year and nothing happened. She didn't love me anymore.

 

It's all up to you. It's not an easy road to recovery, you going to not trust her as much you’re going to have to second guess everything she’s says, maybe being more paranoid. Who know just it won’t be the same.

 

I think I read it from someone hear and I don't remember is word for word but trust is earned by having reoccurring events of trust that can be confirmed. It has to build over time again.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry my friend but staying with this girl will lead to nothing but heartache. She has totally different values than you. She sees it as no big deal for her to screw another guy behind your back. She previously tells you that she would never have sex with a guy like that but she does. I have to ask but does she not see you as an exclusively relationship. Are you in an exclusive relationship? I guess it would be no big deal to her if you screwed some girl behind her back. The bottom line is that she likes to date others and does not see herself in an exclusive relationship with you but you wish it to be.

 

The bottom line is that she is basically amoral in that having sex is not that big a deal to her and it does not have to be exclusive. Please don't waste your time on someone like this if you do not believe in this. You need to move on and find someone with the same value system as you. How can you feel special with a woman who has no problem sleeping with another man behind your back. What is wrong with this picture? I am sorry but I get the feeling if you said you did not want to see her again, I doubt she would be that upset.

Time to move on and not waste your time. You are just going to get hurt over and over again. I wish you luck.

[Sal Paradise]

Just because its natural to cheat doesn't mean its right. Its natural to murder as well but the whole point of society and social order is that we have risen above those primitive instincts (or at least we strive to).

 

This relationship is doomed to fail. You've been together 2 months and she's already cheated. 2 Months! What the hell do you think is going to happen in 2 years or even 5 or 10! There is a 99.9% chance that if you two stay together she cheats on you again within 24 months. Get it while you still can. She is basically telling you through her words and actions that she cannot stay faithful. 2 Months is not that long, you'll get over her. Any person who can't stay faithful for two months has major issues. Even most serial cheaters could stay faithful for that long.

 

You say you started dating because you realized you were right for each other. I'm sorry but thats laughable. You two are not sexually or morally compatible at all. There is no way to fix that.

[Zeegagge]

You need to run fast and far. I know that may not sound like the best option right now, given how much you are into this girl, but trust me, it's not worth it. Her justifications for cheating are a load of crap. She's trying to have her cake and eat it too, and explain the situation away with human nature logic. It's a metric tonne of horse apples, and she will only hurt you over and over again. She's a maneater. Don't fall victim to this, please. It will damage you and eat away your soul. Stand up now while you still have some pride left. Just go man, please.

[mansquito]

You can intellectualize things all you want, but at the end of the day, you're not OK with her boning other dudes. She wants to continue to bone other dudes, and she's already shown that she's willing to play fast and loose with the truth to do so.

 

Sounds like you need to get rid of her.

 

Regarding this connection that you're so hung up on - well, there are 3.4 BILLION women on the planet. Chances are your girl isn't the only one who's a great conversationalist.

[seibert253]

You can intellectualize things all you want, but at the end of the day, you're not OK with her boning other dudes. She wants to continue to bone other dudes, and she's already shown that she's willing to play fast and loose with the truth to do so.

 

Sounds like you need to get rid of her.

 

Regarding this connection that you're so hung up on - well, there are 3.4 BILLION women on the planet. Chances are your girl isn't the only one who's a great conversationalist.

 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

She needs to go

Run Forest, Run!

[troggleputty]

confusedunsure,

 

This will probably sound condescending, but...

 

1. You may think you are all knowing Uni upperclassman but you're just a "kid." Idealistic etc.

 

2. You don't even know this girl. 1.5 - 2 months is NOTHING. You have virtually no life experience/serious relationship experience.

 

3. In sum, you're not "in love" with her. You're thinking with your little head not your big head.

 

4. Grasshopper, this girl is not your future wife, the love of your life, etc. She's a wh*ore. Someone you f*uhck to get your rocks off but don't waste any emotional capital on.

 

5. Don't get upset. Don't get resentful. Don't have a broken heart, etc. Just have sex with her (assuming you're not afraid of catching a disease), keep your eye out for a decent woman whom you can try to form a real relationship with. Until then, bang this beotch all you want--but use protection.

 

There are lots of women like this, it's perfectly OK to f*uchk 'em, just don't fall in love with 'em.

 

You're getting what's known as "experience."

 

You will need to f*uchk your way probably through a couple dozen more like this perhaps before you find someone "real."

 

Don't fear it. Enjoy it.