Am I wrong to expect more?

[now_what]

Going on one year divorced here after 30 years of marriage and my ex leaving me for another woman. I think I'm finally coming to terms with things - can never be too sure though - but one area really leaves me burning - his lack of contact with our children. Our 16 year old daughter became very ill and blacked out at school Thursday. She was complaining of severe stomach pains so I took her to the doctor on Friday and they did lab work to try to determine what's wrong. I emailed my ex - he will not speak to me on the phone - and told him that she was sick. He did not respond to my email or contact our daughter. Last night, her pain was much worse and her doctor told me to take her to the ER. I texted my older daughter and asked her to call her dad and let him know that her sister was at the hospital - he will not give me his home phone number, only a cell that has no reception where he lives. Anyway, he just told her that maybe he would call our daughter today and see how she was feeling. That just floored me. I would have thought he would have been concerned enough last night to contact me, but no, not a single word.

 

Am I expecting too much from him? Just because we are divorced doesn't mean we can't speak to each other as parents to our children. Although if I think about it, when he was here and the kids needed a trip to the ER, I was the one to take care of it, he never went. He just kept doing whatever he was doing or sleeping for that matter.

 

It's going on two months now with no contact from him to our daughters although he does call our son. I don't know what to think, maybe I shouldn't think anything, there's nothing I can really do. It just really hurts me that his contact is so minimal or that he didn't call me last night

 

Am I making too much out of this?

[GrayClouds]

If the story you tell is accurate, I have very little respect for him and feel very sorry for your children.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Hi Now what, I just want to let you know that you're not alone. I was my relationship for 9 years, so I can just imagine what you're going through.

 

Mine made up so many excuses as to why he didn't keep contact with our daughter or me for the first 7 months of 0 contact from him and him disappearing. He changed his address, and his phone numbers. His first excuse was that he had put a restraining order on me which was a lie. Then he said that he never called our daughter because I would answer the phone. So I set my daughter up with her own cell phone and guess what? He still doesn't call her. Now he answers her texts sometimes.

 

Everyone tells me that he will regret this later, but so far he seems to not have a care in the world. He is in super selfish mode right now. I don't really have much advice as I'm in the same boat so-to-speak. I personally don't believe you are expecting much at all from someone that is supposed to be a father. You expect them to act like one lovingly and caringly.

 

But then again what does that tell you about his character right now and his actions towards thus far?

 

We no longer have control over their actions they choose to do. We can only control how we react to their behavior, and that's the hard part.

 

I'm in the process of learning and accepting this myself.

[dazzle22]

You are not wrong to expect more, but sounds like he has made it clear in the past with his prior behavior of staying home and sleeping, that you are, unfortunately, unrealistic to expect more from him.

 

You have been in a row boat together for 30 years. You were in the front, rowing and rowing, and the going was hard, and occasionally you would look back, and there he was kicking back, not rowing at all, but when you turned away, you thought to yourself, "well surely, he must pick up the oar intermittently and help row when I am not looking....".

 

Well, now you know for sure, nope, he never picked up the oar, and he's still not.

[now_what]

Yes, Gorgeous Girl, that is the hard part, realizing that I can only control how I react to his behavior.

 

And yes, dazzle22, I may have been the only one rowing and now I know for sure that I was the only one rowing because nothing has really changed from when he was here. He used to not be that way, but things changed over the years. He has always gone to work, but that was the ONLY thing he did. Go to work, entertain himself or sleep. My sister said he probably left me for his hillbilly woman because she had no expectations from him, he could be a bum and that was cool with her.

 

He did call our daughter for 5 minutes today, but I guess it was not much of a conversation.

[Gypsy_Soul]

NowWhat, I think you have a point there. I do believe these jerks trade down because they are seeking someone who won't expect highly of them, they can do whatever they want, and with that comes the same type of treatment, but they're so desperate for a man they'll put up with all of his sh#t, unlike you.

 

Mine traded down for a 19 year old Belizean girl who still plays with winnie the pooh stuffed animals and I don't even think she even has a green card. He tells me that she's nothing to him, and that's not his girlfriend, and he has high expectations for the next person he chooses to get into a relationship with, but she's adiment that he's her "man".

 

So you see, she's willing to put up with lower treatment because that's her man. She most likely does anything he wants her to do. I found this in the archives, though you might be interested in reading it.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t187974/

[now_what]

Hi Gorgeous girl, there were some interesting points in that post that make sense and some that give some encouragement and something to think about.

 

In my case, my ex had a midlife crisis and became a "biker", and the last piece of his transformation involved finding himself a "biker chick". He probably met her on a poker run and she put her meat hooks into him. But as he told me "he didn't hate me", this was just what he wanted to do with his life at this point - how selfish can you get. If you've not read any of my other posts, I'll give the quick version. My ex sent me an email at work saying he had moved out of the house. This caught me quite by surprise, we had plans to go out to dinner that night. Turns out he left to shack up with an old biker chick he had known for 2 months. He wanted to get divorced as soon as possible, which we did, because he wanted to remarry, although he didn't tell me this, he actually said he had no plans to remarry - liar. He married his "woman" without even having breathed a word about her to our children.

 

He said this woman was not some "young" thing, which was supposed to make me feel better. I've never seen her, but my daughters have and they are not impressed. They said she looked like an old, skinny, wrinkled up hillbilly. From snooping around online, I discovered that she has been divorced 3 times and has been arrested for various things. In fact I found out that my ex got arrested too, something involving a loaded gun and alcohol in a car, whatever. Guess the hunting trip with the new stepsons was a big success.

 

It's just like the person I knew and loved has disappeared to be replaced with someone I don't even recognize anymore, and I can see him becoming more and more distant with the kids. He used to pick up our younger daughter every two weeks for lunch, but that has ended.

 

This all just makes me sad. I told him if he disappeared from our children's lives I would hate him forever. His own dad did that to him and he hated him for it. Why would he do the same thing himself?

 

I know I can't force him to be involved with the kids. They are either adults or almost adults. I would have hoped he would have been interested in some type of relationship with them, instead of just a sporadic phone call or too brief visit. It just seems like he is so wrapped up in his "new life". I just need to let go of any expectations I may have of him and focus on the things I can control and this is hard.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Yea the 'midlife crisis' is very controversial. Some say it's real other's say that it's just a label to excuse these selfish a*****e scumbag jerks.

 

Well, I'm still in the process of it all, as I just barely found out about a month ago or so that he has been with this girl the entire time 11 months ago since he abandoned us.

 

As for the biker chick, from the looks of it, this woman has an established pattern as old as she is. 3 divorces, I'm sure it'll be 4. There can be no good to come from this marriage based on betrayal and lies. It's just going to take some time.

 

If you're still interested in reading further I found this online that helped me understand a bit about what a mid-life crisis is and what to expect. Especially the part about the other woman. Be sure to read through he Article Sections, it's a long list. http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/index.html

 

This type of thing is more common than you think. I've been doing searches for 'husband abandoned me' and have come up with a lot of stories that women have been through or are going through. Women do it to men too though so it's not just a gender specific thing. I think it has to do with the morals, integrity, and values of person's character.

 

I never was married, but we were planning on getting married until I found out about him cheating on me again. This wasn't the first time he has left. Last time he left for 2 months. This second time around it's now going on a year.

 

It's still hard waking up every morning for me. I still have dreams even though, I try not to think about him during the day. I see a therapist, I do research online, I read books about all of this stuff, I exercise, I'm pursuing my educational goals, but it still feels bad. I really am trying. It's hard to believe how someone can be so cruel, say some of the most cruelest things, and be so disrespectful, especially when you're the mother of their child.

 

Let me know how that site goes for you. I hope you have a better day! Keep your head up!

[now_what]

Thanks, I will definitely check this out. This whole thing can be so overwhelming at times, there are still ups and downs. I think personally, I am over "him", I'm now facing his lack of involvement with my 16 year old and the financial implications I will face when child support ends in 16 months. I hate to say it, but he is just a financial source to me now, nothing more. Any good parts of the life we shared are just fading away, like they never really happened. It just seems unfair that because "he" wanted a new life, I have to suffer. Same thing for my daughter. He snuck out on her too.

 

Gorgeousgirl, please feel free to PM on LS, I can be supportive to others also, I'm just kind of PO'd right now.

[Gypsy_Soul]

I just remembered something else I read somewhere. Similar thing happened to another woman, her husbad MLC abandoned her and the family, left her with debts, cheated, etc.

 

Turns out after a while he ended up committing suicide. So this sort of reaffirms what a lot of people have been saying on LS, is that these type of people are not happy within themselves, yet they blame you for their unhappiness and when they leave that which they believe is making them unhappy, you, they later find out that they're still not happy.

 

So it's something to think about. I'll see if I can find the story again.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Sure I will, I definitely need some encouragement. I also am going through those emotions of anger. I'm angry and sad.

 

I suppose it's because of the way they left, it's unbelievable. They feel no emotional obligation towards their very own flesh and blood, their children. Sad and I don't understand that at all. So, it seems like you've come further in your healing, even if you just see him as just there to do his financial part.

 

Have you though of buying a punching bag? I've seen it on movies, lol, so I am really thinking of getting one and letting off some steam with a picture of his face on it:D