Hanging on ...

[pre74]

HI

I have been away from my childhood sweetheart and husband of 10 years for almost 2 years now. We decided to immigrate to another country and because i had the citizenship of that country i moved ahead with our two kids. He stayed back till i could do his visa and looked after his aged parents. We talked on the phone about 5 times a day and trusted each other to the core - when i went back on a holiday after 18 mnths apart got to hear from several people that he was very friendly with another woman - he assures me nothing is going on and that she is a friend - i love him very deeply and have given him several opportunities to come clean - i have a nagging doubt that this is true but every time i confront him he proves me wrong by either giving me an explanation or asking me to trust him and that he would never do such a thing. I have visited him thrice in the last 6 months and everytime i come on the scene - the OW attempts suicide ! The funny thing is that I am a very attractive woman and the OW is not - not being rude but she really does not look pretty -- I understand that looks dont always play a part in an affair but am so confused now. To make things worse these is another married man totally infatuated with me though I have given him a cold shoulder for the last 18 months - he says he will wait fr as long as it takes .

I would never never leave my husband even if he is guilty - i love him so and would not deprive the kids of a loving father- it is time for him to join me now but I feel so insecure and unwanted inspite of his best efforts to assure me. Am i a fool ?

Thanks

Edited February 20, 2010 by pre74
forgot to add something important

[Sadgati]

HI

I have been away from my childhood sweetheart and husband of 10 years for almost 2 years now. We decided to immigrate to another country and because i had the citizenship of that country i moved ahead with our two kids. He stayed back till i could do his visa and looked after his aged parents. We talked on the phone about 5 times a day and trusted each other to the core - when i went back on a holiday after 18 mnths apart got to hear from several people that he was very friendly with another woman - he assures me nothing is going on and that she is a friend - i love him very deeply and have given him several opportunities to come clean - i have a nagging doubt that this is true but every time i confront him he proves me wrong by either giving me an explanation or asking me to trust him and that he would never do such a thing. I have visited him thrice in the last 6 months and everytime i come on the scene - the OW attempts suicide ! The funny thing is that I am a very attractive woman and the OW is not - not being rude but she really does not look pretty -- I understand that looks dont always play a part in an affair but am so confused now. To make things worse these is another married man totally infatuated with me though I have given him a cold shoulder for the last 18 months - he says he will wait fr as long as it takes .

I would never never leave my husband even if he is guilty - i love him so and would not deprive the kids of a loving father- it is time for him to join me now but I feel so insecure and unwanted inspite of his best efforts to assure me. Am i a fool ?

Thanks

 

Nobody has answered you. I read this over twice and I am not sure I know what to tell you either. I do NOT think you are a fool to give your love to your own husband or to want to trust him. But, you have very strong, legitimate reasons to feel insecure and doubt him.

 

First, you know in your heart this OW IS definitely after your husband because she goes to such CRAZY extremes to get his attention back to her each time you come near. (Does it work, and does he run to her to help her?) If I were your husband, and if he is cheating with her, he should get as far away from her as possible because she is mentally unbalanced and who knows what she might be capable of. She clearly needs counselling.

 

You have several people, not just one person, telling you he is VERY friendly with her. Only one person tells you he isn't...your husband. If your husband is hanging out with her, he needs to STOP IT. It is causing gossip, it is hurting you, and if your children heard it would definitely hurt them as well. If he cares about you and his kids, he will make sure he is NOT around this other woman AT ALL!

 

My guess would be he is having sex with her and enjoys her chasing after him, but he loves you. As for the other man who is interested in you, keep giving him the cold shoulder because as long as you are still in love with your husband you would just be using this other man...and that is not nice.

[SarahRose]

How long has it been since you have seen your husband in person in the flesh? How long has it been since he has seen his children in person?

 

How on earth can he be a good loving father when he is living away somewhere else when he doesn't have to?

 

Is there a specific date he is supposed to move to be with you? If not, he is just dragging this out and why is the real question?

 

Can you just move back there with him? That is what I would do.

 

He is a married man and has no business being "friends" with this woman who he is mostly likely cheating on you with.

 

Move back there and tell this other woman to get lost.

 

Take your husband and family back.

[pre74]

thanks for your replies.. he was here with us two weeks back - and is due to join us in a month - he was looking after his ailing father who passed away 2 months ago - before that he had to go thru the long process of acquiring a visa -he has had the excuses but now it seems like we have reached the end of this torturous separation but instead of being happy i find myself full of doubts - unable to let go of all the things i have heard and wondering if he still loves me - the thought that he has been with another woman is more than i can ever bear.

[Sadgati]

thanks for your replies.. he was here with us two weeks back - and is due to join us in a month - he was looking after his ailing father who passed away 2 months ago - before that he had to go thru the long process of acquiring a visa -he has had the excuses but now it seems like we have reached the end of this torturous separation but instead of being happy i find myself full of doubts - unable to let go of all the things i have heard and wondering if he still loves me - the thought that he has been with another woman is more than i can ever bear.

 

How does your husband react or respond to her when she attempts suicide?

 

Your husband claims she is just a friend, but when she is intruding into your marriage, causing gossip, and hurting you then he needs to GET HER OUT OF IT! If she is JUST a friend, and he knows this is hurting you then he is choosing her over you. There is an old expression which says where there is smoke there is fire. If he cares about you, then he needs to stay away from this OW.

 

I don't understand why you HAD to leave two years before he did. Why not wait and both go together? Was he pushing you to leave him alone for two years?

 

When he leaves will she be left behind or come with him? Why is he hanging out with her so much? You really need to insist he get rid of her IF he really loves you he will. She isn't just a nuisance, there is something wrong with her mentally because she uses this suicide stunts as a tool to get your husband's attention...does it work?

 

I hesitate to believe she is the most important person to him or she wouldn't have to pull out stunts, drama or tricks to get his attention...but, she IS in his life and she is pulling stunts to get him away from you.

 

She may be a 'friend' to him, but she certainly is NOT one to you. Put your foot down and tell him to ditch this friend because she IS trouble and she IS causing you trouble and making him the subject of gossip because of HIS actions toward her and her inappropriate behaviour towards your husband.

[pre74]

Thanks for the reply - When she attempts suicide she will listen to no one but him - the last time she did it her sister called and begged my husband to convince her to go to a doc and he had to do it.He has got himself into a real mess and i strongly feel that she threatens him.No smoke withour fire is exactly the words i said to him - the whole world cannot be wrong about it - i went ahead cause i had the citizenship and we made this move for the sake of a better future for our children - it was supposed to be a 6 month separation but his dad got really ill and finally died so i cannot blame him for staying away - he did his best for his dad but not for me- i on the other hand, i have been busy with the kids and couldn't even think of going out for an evening to enjoy let alone a relationship. He is definitely coming alone and thats the end of the fun for her. Once he comes here we have no reason to ever go back - so good riddance- he has alot to sort out with his widowed mother to be seen to so i am hanging on knowing that there is just a month left and then it will all be over - i have people keeping an eye on him and so far so good - looks like he has realised but i dont think he realises how badly scarred i am - but once he is here i will have to sit down at length and talk things thru with him very very thoroughly if he wants things to ever go back to how they were before. But i will do it for the sake of my kids and for the sake of my love for him .Lets hope it's not in vain.

[Sadgati]

Thanks for the reply - When she attempts suicide she will listen to no one but him - the last time she did it her sister called and begged my husband to convince her to go to a doc and he had to do it.He has got himself into a real mess and i strongly feel that she threatens him.No smoke withour fire is exactly the words i said to him - the whole world cannot be wrong about it - i went ahead cause i had the citizenship and we made this move for the sake of a better future for our children - it was supposed to be a 6 month separation but his dad got really ill and finally died so i cannot blame him for staying away - he did his best for his dad but not for me- i on the other hand, i have been busy with the kids and couldn't even think of going out for an evening to enjoy let alone a relationship. He is definitely coming alone and thats the end of the fun for her. Once he comes here we have no reason to ever go back - so good riddance- he has alot to sort out with his widowed mother to be seen to so i am hanging on knowing that there is just a month left and then it will all be over - i have people keeping an eye on him and so far so good - looks like he has realised but i dont think he realises how badly scarred i am - but once he is here i will have to sit down at length and talk things thru with him very very thoroughly if he wants things to ever go back to how they were before. But i will do it for the sake of my kids and for the sake of my love for him .Lets hope it's not in vain.

 

 

I wish you all the best.

 

This is another example of emotional blackmail by this OW, and your husband is permitting her to use him and letting her play him. If it is an affair or not, he is letting her become obsessed and dependent on him for her personal happiness. He is MARRIED, and YOU and the kids should be first! I wouldn't let him go to her because in the end, he isn't helping her at all. You deserve a husband who is there for you one hundred percent.

 

I almost think I would go back again and see how she acts, and I don't care how much her sister begs him to see her...he shouldn't go! She needs help from a professional NOT your husband because the kind of "help" he is giving her isn't HEALTHY.

[pre74]

HI sadgati

Can't tell you how often I feel like doing that - just dropping everything and going down and staying there till he can join me- i dont care if her suicide attempt is successful this time- it will be good riddance- never thought i would talk like this but then - well anyways - but going there would mean i lose my job and the kids lose their place in a very good school - if i lose my job it might mean that we have to stay back there at my husbands place and that is one thing i do not want - i want to be as far away as possible- i think i will have the last laugh though - i believe strongly in God and I'm leaving everything up to him - i do have my eyes and ears open for me there however- will have to have a long talk once he settles here - i will be on my guard for quite a while now and he is just going to have to accept it as a consequence of his thoughtless actions