McWifey Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Sorry this is SO long. but PLEASE read it, I would really like some honest opinions and advice. I know i can be too controlling and jealous about stupid things, but do i have reason to be? This is my first post =] Ok so my husband and I have been married a little over a year, we just had our first baby in December... He's in the marines, and before he deployed (in January) we both talked about divorce (yes, already =[ ) but we agreed to work on our faults and give this one more shot. I really don't believe in divorce and i will do whatever it takes to make this work... I don't want our daughter to have to split up her holidays, i want us to always be a family and do things together. I love him with all my heart and i'd do ANYTHING for him... Things went fast after we married, i moved to where he was stationed, in the middle of nowhere in the desert! Found out a couple months later i was pregnant. I wasn't able to get a job because there wasn't much around, plus no one wanted to hire me, i assume because i was pregnant. He worked a lot, and i ALWAYS kept the house clean, and i would cook for him and have dinner ready whenever he got home... i just never felt like he appreciated me for that. When he got home from work he would jump on his video games or computer games, i would try giving him time to himself and leave him be, but playing for hours on end started to annoy me fast. i talked to him about it and he agreed he wouldn't play as much. HA! things changed for about a week and went right back to how they were. i just wanted him to pay some attention to me.. i got to the point where i'd be pissed off and yelling about the games, and how i wanted some more "us" time. he just didn't seem to understand how i felt, no matter how many times i would try explaining. Some other things that bothered me was the lies, they would be stupid pointless lies that i eventually found out about, for example, someone backed into our car (his friend) but he lied and said he didn't know who did it... about money... and when he would leave for a couple weeks (for work) he lied about going out with his friends and drinking while he was there... and another lie, probably the worst one, was when we came home for the baby shower and some girl called my phone (his old friend) and he took the phone, and left the room to talk to her (he's NEVER left the room to talk to anyone). When i asked who it was he told me an old friend, and said he wanted to go hang out with her... i was furious! Why couldn't he invite me? was he trying to hide something?! He's never talked about this old friend before and then all of a sudden she calls my phone while we're home... I never tried hanging out with any of my old "friends" if they were guys. i told him i didn't want him going and he didn't as far as i know.... she called another time while we were at the casino and i heard her ask if i was there. and when he said yes she said she had to go. Why did this upset me SO much and make me jealous? did i have a reason to be? or am i just being immature about the whole thing? That was one of the biggest things that hurt me because i didn't understand why he would try hiding talking to her if they were just friends... he knows i had trust issues from past relationships and that i've been cheated on before. I KNOW i have to stop trying to control him, and stop being so jealous and let him do his own thing but its really hard. i just hate the lies, and there were more, but they are so little and stupid i can't remember them all. Whenever we got back home (where we were stationed) he eventually got his new phone (cause his old one broke which is why she had called my phone) and being nosey, i looked through his calls when he got home from work, and seen she was one of the first people he called when he got it, and of course he called when he was away from me..... i talked to him again about it and he said he would just stop talking to her. Which was another lie because he called her again the day our daughter was born... Am i still just being too immature and jealous? Be honest, i don't mind. So now i'm to the point where i'm always checking our phone accounts online looking for her number. Checking his facebook and myspace accounts. Should i just stop all that and trust him? I'm just really scared of being cheated on, and now that he's deployed, and seeing all these great places, it worries me. He's on a ship, going to Thailand, the Philippines, and some other places too... And i'm SO worried that something will happen, especially because we're having a difficult time right now, and he's going to be seeing A LOT of temptation over there. He rarely calls me, and my other friends who's husbands are over there as well, hear from their husbands all the time, with phone calls, emails and letters. i have gotten just a few calls, no letters or emails though. and i have read some disturbing things on some of the other guys' facebooks, talking about how vegas doesn't even compare to where they are.. "its like spring break on crack".. and of course going on about the girls over there...... Ugh, its so nerve racking. I just need some advice, if anyone has some? Please be honest, if i'm being too uptight, controlling, jealous, then tell me because i need to know. and it's hard talking to him about all this since he's not here, and since i rarely hear from him. Thanks...
tissue_bear Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 No, you do not sound controlling or overly jealous. I wouldn't say your husband is cheating on you but he certainly isn't giving you enough attention and as cannedstarfish said, he sounds very immature. I wish I knew how to advise you, but I don't. I always say talk things over, explain your concerns, make concrete demands but it sounds like you've done all that.. The lying in particular is ridiculous. You have to know you can trust him! I don't believe he's cheating on you.. yet. Its a very bad sign though that he lies to you with such ease and hides these conversations from you. It sounds like he's interested and playing with the idea of cheating at least, even if he hasn't done so yet. I hope that helped a little. Hopefully other people will know to advise you what to do in the situation, honestly I'm afraid I don't really know what to advise, except don't let your husband twist things so you're just crazy/controlling/jealously insane. I figure that's where you got the idea. Know that you have legitimate concerns and don't let your husband twist things and confuse you into being the badguy. You're not.
tissue_bear Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Oh, and I will add that if at all possible try not to stress out too much about this.. I know, how can you do that? Seriously though, its not good for the baby.. know that however it turns out, you will be fine. It will work out, one way or another. It might be worth mentioning the stress to your husband and that you need reassurance, its not good for the baby. Don't demand too much, just more than what he is giving now. You need to know that you can trust him. Maybe start with small steps, like tell him you need to hear from him more often. Instead of one call a week, make it two or something similar, I don't know how often you can talk when deployed.. Don't expect him to behave like your friends husbands, but definitely there should be an improvement and he needs to be doing more than he is.
SuburbanOblivion Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 I agree with the others, he sounds all of about 21 years old. Guys are stupid at that age, and don't really smarten up until they hit their 30's, and even then it's questionable. As far as the lies, for some people it's a really, really bad habit left over from childhood. What was his family life like? One or more abusive parents by chance? It sounds like he is a defensive liar, which means he lies because he is afraid of making you mad or hurting you. He'd rather lie than deal with the conflict. When he is home, you need to have a serious sit-down about how this is affecting you. You need to make it safe for him to be able to tell you the truth, that is, some sort of agreement that you will agree not to over-react, as long as he agrees to tell the truth. And you need to be willing to follow through on that! Make it as clear as possible that dealing with whatever is far easier than dealing with the lies, which will only make things far worse. As far as the girl, his 'friendship' with her needs to end. It is causing issues in your marriage, and him lying about calling her has made the possibility of you ever accepting her impossible. He has already agreed to stop contacting her, call him on that and tell him he needs to honor his agreement. As far as the video games, you haven't said anything other than 'for hours', so I don't know if you mean from the time he gets home to the time he goes to bed, or just for a few hours a night. The first is a problem, the second you need to lay off. I've told other women, and I will tell you too- would you rather he be at home playing video games, or out at a bar where you have no idea what he is doing? At least doing this you know exactly where he is and what he is doing. Hang out in the room with him while he plays- read a book, surf the web on your laptop, knit, whatever. As long as you are getting an hour or so a night of just one-on-one time, why do you need to be each other's sole source of entertainment? Besides men don't want what is too easily available to them. Having your own interests, doing your own thing, and even going out once in awhile (shopping, coffee with girlfriends, whatever) will make him far more interested in spending time with you than you sitting around complaining. Trust me on this one
by1self Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Well I'm a 28 yr old guy and you kind of remind me of our relationship with my wife when we first started. When we had our first son I always played video games all the time for long hours. She used to get mad but really didnt care along as I didnt do it on the weekends. When she wanted for me to get off the xbox she would wear something sexy to catch my eye and I would stop playing pretty fast. LOL. She was always jealous as well but it was because I used to speak to my ex once in a while and not tell her. She would always snoop around and find out, then we would argue. I never did nothing with my ex so I never saw the big deal but I see it now. I guess I kinda grew up in a way but now I seem to be the jealous one. (Its a long story and if you want you can read my posts) I am going to threapy with her after 9yrs of being together and its very very difficult. I do think threapy is working in way for me, not her, after about 4 visits in as I didnt in the begining. Now I do think its wrong to speak to someone if its causing a problem in a relationship. My wife now is always lieing to me about things that she doenst want to argue about and it just makes my jealousy even worse. I kinda know how your feeling, I would nicely and calmly express your feelings to him and ask him to please make a small effort to help with your feelings. Dont pile to much at once, do it over time therefore he doesnt seem overwhelmed. Next the whole girl thing is really touchy and I know me at that time would never listen to how many times she would tell me to stop. It took her threating to leave me and for me to realize that it was that big of deal FOR ME, I'm not saying that would work for him. I would say try to somehow get him to threapy that way you can discuss your issues in a professional matter before it gets worse and out of hand kind of like my situation. Well good luck and I hope all goes well...... SuburbanOblivion --- can you way in on my post I would really be greatfull
Author McWifey Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Thank you all for your feedback and advice, i really appreciate it! The last thing i want is a divorce and i will keep everything you all have said in mind! I'm 22, and my husband is 21 (good guessing SuburbanOblivion), i KNOW we're really young, which is probably why we have most of these problems. I just want to handle it like an adult, rather then blowing up on him for every little thing... I hope he's not cheating on me, i do know he's been going out while he's over there... He assured me that he's not going to cheat. It's just hard sometimes. i don't want to be that girl who is blind to everything, who should have seen it coming. I'll definitely be talking to him more about my feelings, and i'll start demanding more from him, but it is going to be hard not to cross that line of being TOO demanding. and i agree, i don't know how he can lie to me so easily, especially when i've been honest with him from the beginning. i always expected the same! I'm trying not to stress too much, i know its not good for my daughter, and i know she can sense it... Which is why i try to only think about these things when she's napping. Neither of his parents were abusive, but he did say the reason he lies is because he knows i'll get mad and we'll argue. As for the video games, he played when he got home from work till bed alot of the times... or he'd play a few hours after work... and of course on the weekends, usually from 7am to about 2-ish in the afternoon, and that was because i'd start bitching. but you are right, i'd rather him be home then out drinking! I am definitely going to start doing my own thing more, like while he's playing his video games.. Because your so right when you say guys don't want what is easily given to them, i wish i would have looked at it like that a long time ago! Maybe then he'll be the one asking me for some alone time =] I do hate snooping around, i really want to stop... It's just hard to do so when he lies. Plus thats how i found out an ex of mine had been cheating. (was through snooping) I don't understand why they lie to avoid the conflict, it just makes things worse. i'm going to read your post and try giving some advice as well. Thanks again for all your replies! They really helped!
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