lizeytish Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Hi, I have been in a relationship with a person who has Narcissists PD and am trying desparately to find closure and heal. I know this is something I have to do for myself or I really would end up doing something to stop the pain he continues to inflict on me. I think he loves me (well the only love he knows because he has never really loved anyone) but he is not willing to do anything or admit to his disease and abuse. Today I feel so sick, I did not want to get up, I could not sleep until 4am and do not have any appetite for food. I just force feed myself to get something into me. I have no energy, do not want to see anybody and my head has been pounding for over a day now. I have drank myself crazy before to numb the pain he inflicted on me but I don't want to go that route again. I really thought I wanted to sp5%end the rest of my life with him and continue to just think about all the wonderful times we did have and blocking out the bad which are about 85 percent. I would really love to be with him if he would just fix himself and make the effort. How do I get through to him to get help? He knows how much I love him. Do you think stopping all contact will make him do something? Thanks, Mary
Xochitl Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Of course it's easy for me to say because I'm not in love with this person but from what you write I'd say: stop contacting him, delete him from your life and never go back. Not because that would make him do something but because firstly, it will help you heal and move on, since the relationship sounds doomed, secondly, because it will probably help you get over the depression that you have sunk into because of him, show you that you can take matters in your own hand and improve your self-confidence and thirdly, because you can be free without wasting your time and energy on trying to work out his problems as well as live your own life. I'm not going to give you the whole "you will find someone better"-speech (although you probably will), because that is just frustrating and assuming that that is what you should try to do and should expect for now. Instead I think you should focus on your life, on healing and on simply getting on. Thinking about who you are and what you actually want to do. You can do it
Author lizeytish Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 Thanks for your support. I really know what I have to do, its just so hard. I feel so sorry for him sometimes when I am not mad at what he has done to me. I get that urge to just want to reach out and help him but I know he cannot be helped when he wont even help himself. I cannot help but feel so lonely, depressed uanble to socialize, sleep or get interested in anything. I can't do the things I love like puzzles or reading because I cannot concentrate and cry until my head hurts. He has emailed again an hour ago with once again insinuations, insults threats to break me down but you know what, I responded with sympathy for him, again another request for him to get help and once again, a plead for him to leave me alone. Thanks again for responding, I am finding that just having somebody to talk to helps. I cannot talk to my friends anymore because they gave up on me long ago. They knew his problem and grew tired of me being defensive of him all the time. They were right, he would never change.
jerrytodd Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Hi, I have been in a relationship with a person who has Narcissists PD and am trying desparately to find closure and heal. I know this is something I have to do for myself or I really would end up doing something to stop the pain he continues to inflict on me. I think he loves me (well the only love he knows because he has never really loved anyone) but he is not willing to do anything or admit to his disease and abuse. Today I feel so sick, I did not want to get up, I could not sleep until 4am and do not have any appetite for food. I just force feed myself to get something into me. I have no energy, do not want to see anybody and my head has been pounding for over a day now. I have drank myself crazy before to numb the pain he inflicted on me but I don't want to go that route again. I really thought I wanted to sp5%end the rest of my life with him and continue to just think about all the wonderful times we did have and blocking out the bad which are about 85 percent. I would really love to be with him if he would just fix himself and make the effort. How do I get through to him to get help? He knows how much I love him. Do you think stopping all contact will make him do something? Thanks, Mary Hi Mary, it sounds like you may suffer from low self esteem a bit and it is why you put up with the crap (and I do say crap, just from the description you gave). I also see a really nice person too Mary, too nice perhaps?? Go completely NC and run away from this guy. If all of your friends and the people you are now connecting with in this forum are telling you the same thing please, please consider yourself lucky. I have found in my breakup that I made a list of the good and bad parts of my ex-GF. I have had a really eye-opening experience -- love (and in my case, sex) made me truly blind. She was unkind and uncaring and was not trustworthy and had either outright lied or totally misled me for a long time. And yet one month ago I would have lept in front of a bullet for her and was there to help "fix her". He is manipulative because he is needy and it appears, a little disturbed. So run and NC and consider yourself lucky. 95% of the men out there are better than what you should be losing.
Xochitl Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Ok, I hope this will be of some help to you: as I just wrote in the abuse thread, I had a partner for two years who was physically abusive, so I know what you might be going through. He went to therapy afterwards, apparently he was "co-dependent" (He was also a misogynistic and racist *******, which in my mind would have been a better diagnosis, but that's beside the point ) and I reacted pretty much like you did, answering emails and phone calls, saying he should seek help etc. I know your ex has a different diagnosis, which I don't know so much about, but in my experience, if it's with you that his problems come up, you are the worst person to help him. Besides, and much more importantly, even if he has a medical problem, there is no reason why you should put up with insults!!! If he can't help it, he needs to seek therapy and get better before he enters a relationship. Doing that much is his responsibility to the people around him. I also know the problem of friends letting you down (one moment they told me to leave him and when I did suddenly it was still all my fault because I went out with him in the first place, never HIS fault! Never mind that he was the abusive one and never mind that I had no way of knowing that he would be beforehand. I don't know if you have similar experiences). What I did, and maybe you should do too, is cutting all the contact with your ex, totally. It is not your job to look after him. Your job is to get your life in order after, as it sounds to me from your post, it has been shattered because of him. That way you can do your best to gain back your self-esteem, find new, better friends who stay with you through thick and thin and make sure you are safe and get the love you deserve from people around you. That is not even being selfish because the better you do it, the more you will have to give to your new friends and other people in your life. If you keep in contact with him, he can keep on insulting you and breaking down your self-esteem. You don't need that and it doesn't help you heal, on the contrary. Besides it's way below your worth as a human being. Which is something he needs to learn, and you also need to learn. Basically I think right now you stand to gain a lot from rebuilding your confidence and your life. When I did just that, I gained new amazing friends, started learning things like yoga and dance, moved and finally started university and am now going to have a much brighter and more productive future. I don't know how you feel now but it might also make sense to find a therapist or someone who can help you work on your self-esteem. I didn't do that and in the last year I've realized that although everything else is good, I'm almost unable to have another relationship, out of fear that it will be the same again, which has finally made me seek help. It really makes sense to do your best to heal completely and use your bad experience as a learning experience which can help you move forward and find a better guy next time, not immobilize you.
JoJola Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 I agree with Xochitl! I am in the mist of a man who I beleive to be bi-polar so I understand how you feel completely. But, as my mother has always told me "You cant fix them"; people only get help if they want help, if they dont there is not much hope of your persauding them to do so. I can speak from experience because I was married to a cocaine addict..we could have had a great life but he would not give it up..I left the marriage, there was no other option. Get ur self some counseling to boost your self esteem..I did and it was the one thing that pulled me through. Be good to urself, this person is toxic for you..it will take some time but you will feel better. Dont give up on you, get up and continously tell yourself you can be better, get better! Use your support people, family, friends..etc. This is not easy, it is the hardest thing to do, but it will pass! Good Luck!
Author lizeytish Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 Thanks so much, I know what you say is true and I am trying so hard. I just found out an hour ago one of best friends died unexpectantly which is making this so very hard. I just want him to take me in my arms and hold me but to tell you the truth, he has no empathy and would not do that anyways. I understand the whole NC thing and am working on it on a daily basis but really, don't you believe if he really loves me he will try to get better?
Author lizeytish Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 Thanks and I am so sorry you experienced that, mine was only physical a couple of times and I kind of blame myself for a little of that even though I know I shouldn't. The mental abuse I don't at all. It's so encouraging to hear that you have moved on and things are great. It give me hope that maybe there is somebody better out there but like you, I will find it hard to have another relationship for the same reasons. The thing you said about his obligation to get help really touched me. I really fear for anybody that he charms in the beginning because I know what will happen in the end and it is awful. Keep your fingers crossed for me and thank again for responding.
Author lizeytish Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 Well I am glad drugs where not an issue and am glad you got through that. I have heard so many horror stories. Thanks for the encouragement, sometimes I feel fine and other times I just can't stop crying, still haven't left the house but think I may try to go out tomorrow at least to get some food i need. That is a step in the right direction. I am not sure about the counseling thing but I did join a narcissist abuse support group which helps also.
Sadbutrelieved Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Please research and learn about narcissism. There is a ton of information available online that will help you understand it. The more knowledge you arm yourself with the more you will be able to deal with this. I was with a sociopath for eight years, and they're not all that different. There is nothing you can do to make this person change, but you can change yourself and make yourself stronger so that you see how much better life can be away from someone like this. Don't give up on your friends either; they may be able to offer valued support now that you're out from under him. Mine did. As time goes by, your eyes will be opened and you will be able to focus on yourself and not him. I know it's hard, but once you see him for what he really is you may feel like you dodged a bullet. That's how I feel now.
Xochitl Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 I'm really sorry to hear about your friend! Do you have other friends who you can talk to? What about your family? Just someone else, rather than him. I'm sure you already know this but don't feel guilty, no one is allowed to physically abuse you., and it's their fault, not yours. I know exactly what you mean by saying that if he loved you he should seek help. It's something I've never understood but some people just don't work like that. Maybe they don't understand they need help, they are just too irresponsible, and maybe also unable to love and respect others in a real way.
orangelondon Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Hi, i've just closed the door on someone who is not diagnosed bipolar but i've suspected is for a long time. I think its difficult to let these people go because when they are good, they are amazing, they have a huge amount of charisma but the lows outweigh the good times in the long run, the flip side of all the great times is just too horrendous and there is never an apology or acknowledgement of any kind, well not in my case. I've been in NC now for about 8 weeks and found out she is with someone else, i don't think she has given me a moments thought as its all about 'them' - protecting yourself is all you can do, trying to rebuild your life and learn to be happy again without them. Remember you were before you met him
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