Awesome Username Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Oh boy Loveshack, am I glad to see you! I'm going to be as thorough as I can with my story, so please bear the length! So last night, boy and I were flirting and playing grabass while playing pool. Someone comes in the room, "Hey I know you!" "HEY! How've you been! Oh by the way, this is Awesome Username." "Oh, you boyfriend and girlfriend?" Silence on both our parts. We haven't established anything official yet, but we've been dating for about a month and a half. This week was the first week we've been heavily making out and stuff. Cut to later on, I ask "So...Do you wanna be my boyfriend?" and he looks like a deer in headlights. "What does boyfriend girlfriend mean?" And I say, "Well, we don't see other people, we change our facebooks to in a relationship, we call each other boyfriend and girlfriend..." and he went on the defensive on the facebook relationship status change, saying "Changing your relationship status just seems like a douchey thing to do on facebook, but if it's important to you..." It was kind of a "We can be boyfriend and girlfriend if you WANT to, but that's like, the stage before getting engaged" and I told him that I'm certainly not even close to ready for that. lol. I asked him if he was dating anyone else, and he said no but then replied with a super worried, "Are YOU?" Nope. We agreed to be exclusive, but not boyfriend and girlfriend yet. What on Earth does that even mean? My ego's a little hurt, I'll be honest. I've been with a guy who considered us to be bf/gf as soon as we kissed. With this new one, I've had to be diligent about him getting too physical with me too soon, and GOOD THING I DID. I couldn't imagine how hurt I'd be if we were very intimate and he dropped this news on me. Do I have a right to be angry? What does exclusive mean? Is it that you're dating, but you don't want to tell anyone else? My problem is that I find it hard to get anywhere remotely intimate physically with a man who doesn't consider me his girlfriend. I left in a non kissy-happy mood and he texted me to see what was wrong. I haven't responded. What do you all think of this situation? What is the difference between exclusive and being someone's girlfriend? (up until this point, I thought it meant the same thing). What should I do?
Lucky555 Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 sounds like my situation. I am exclusive but hes not acting like a boyfriend. Its also been a month and half. I agree with you, do not become sexually involved until he knows he wants to be your boyfriend. I think exclusive is just a way to say I'm not dating anyone else and a sexual relationship is going to happen soon. However, make sure you know if he wants a relationship. This is where I am at right now. You have to state what you want. If he can't agree then don't keep going with a guy that doesn't want the same. Just having a sexual relationship is not what i want either, very difficult to want to be with that person if they don't feel like you do. just would be a disaster.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 I would feel the same way you do. I always thought exclusive was synonymous with bf/gf, also. Now it seems it has a lesser status than bf/gf. What has to occur for a move from exclusive to bf/gf?
shadowplay Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 (edited) They are the same thing. I think it's weird, and he sounds kind of immature. Some of the things he said are very out of touch like asking what it means to be bf/gf and how being bf/gf is a stop away from engaged. How old is he? Also, how much relationship experience does he have? He almost sounds a bit Aspergers-y. Edited February 20, 2010 by shadowplay
shadowplay Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Hmmm. I remember you saying that you go for somewhat geeky guys. If this guy is geeky, that might explain his ignorance (about relationships) and lack of finesse.
sagetalk Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Stop trying to ruin a good thing by being obsessed with labels and titles. He likes you, you like him, you are dating only each other right now. Why ruin it by blabbing about it? This isn't rocket science. Go with the flow instead of turning into an act of Congress. You're making me tense just reading this.
sagetalk Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Hmmm. I remember you saying that you go for somewhat geeky guys. If this guy is geeky, that might explain his ignorance (about relationships) and lack of finesse. That is cruel, two thumbs down.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 A number of LSers in another post said that exclusive and bf/gf are not the same thing. I don't know if any said why and can't remember the title of the post. I'm afraid some may use it to reference sex - an exclusive fwb???
Lindarose84 Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Awesome Username I would feel the same way if I got the run around from a guy I was seeing regarding exclusivity vs bf/gf. From the sounds of things, he doesn't want a bf/gf relationship with you. He played completely dumb in order to avoid addressing the issue (who the hell doesn't know what bf/gf means?). I think he agreed to be exclusive in order to appease you. He figured ok, well I gotta give her something but at least this way I'm not locked down into anything. I have always thought exclusivity to be synonymous with bf/gf. I guess times have changed since I started dating (and I'm only 26). It was based on the thread regarding exclusivity vs bf/gf that I actually had to clarify things in my own dating situation. The guy I'm seeing (it's been a little under 3 months) recently asked me if I wanted to be exclusive. Immediately my mind went back to the thread . I knew I had to make his intentions clear. So I told him "yes, I want to be exclusive with you....so does that mean I'm your gf and you're my bf?" And he laughed and said yes. I guess these days you never know.... Point is, if you're not happy with how things went down you need to tell him that. You need to see where he stands with being in a bf/gf situation and if his viewpoint is going to change 5 months from now. You guys could be dating for 6 months and he may be complacent with just being exclusive. If that's not what you want, you should settle for that. If in your mind and heart, you feel like the timing is right for you to be his gf, tell him that. If he's not into that, you probably shouldn't be intimate with him and if anything, should probably just show the commitmentphobe the door.
hats Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 I'm surprised that so many girls are quick to say exclusive and gf/bf are the same thing. Exclusive means you're not going to see anyone else, and if there's no one else in the picture at the time it's not that hard to agree to. But who knows what a girl you've known for a month and a half thinks a gf/bf relationship entails. I mean it's not like you have the same standards for a guy who's just a friend, a guy you're just starting to date, and a guy you're in a serious relationship with. Maybe when you asked to be bf/gf you meant the same thing as exclusive. But from his perspective he doesn't know that. Maybe you meant that bf/gf means that he has to start doing a lot more to keep you happy in the relationship than he is now. It sounds like he's hesitant to agree until he know exactly what he's agreeing to.
sullysteve Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 I agree with the Owl. Why is there a need to attach/define labels, especially after only a few weeks of dating? Isn't understanding that you're exclusive enough? With labels come pressure and expectations (e.g., calling every day and the inane changing your Facebook status to "In a relationship").
Author Awesome Username Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 Thank you all for your wonderful responses. I called him up and talked to him about it. Apparently the difference between dating exclusively and being someone's boyfriend/girlfriend is time. He said that he has told people that we're dating and that we're exclusive, which is good. He said that referring to a girl that he's exclusively dating as his "girlfriend" is right on par with saying "I love you," and is a pretty direct prequil to being someone's fiancee. He has only had one serious "girlfriend." It makes sense now, I guess. No wonder me asking if we could be boyfriend/girlfriend freaked him out. The reason why I originally asked, is that people kept asking us, "Are you two boyfriend/girlfriend?" Title is important to me because I'm not a girl who is into casual relationships or casual sex AT ALL. I am a loyal women and I think I at least deserve the decency of a title. I want someone to be proud of being with me, is all. At least I know I'm not insane on this. I'm certainly going to keep my distance physically - I'm noone's FBW. I told him this, and he said that he respects my boundaries. Different folks have different ways of going about this. I'm sort of embarrassed about the whole thing. This guy is REALLY REALLY awesome, but this is just left field weird compared to what I'm used to. It might be a dealbreaker for me; we'll see.
Author Awesome Username Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 I'm surprised that so many girls are quick to say exclusive and gf/bf are the same thing. Exclusive means you're not going to see anyone else, and if there's no one else in the picture at the time it's not that hard to agree to. But who knows what a girl you've known for a month and a half thinks a gf/bf relationship entails. I mean it's not like you have the same standards for a guy who's just a friend, a guy you're just starting to date, and a guy you're in a serious relationship with. Maybe when you asked to be bf/gf you meant the same thing as exclusive. But from his perspective he doesn't know that. Maybe you meant that bf/gf means that he has to start doing a lot more to keep you happy in the relationship than he is now. It sounds like he's hesitant to agree until he know exactly what he's agreeing to. This response is the closest to the response he gave me, and it does make sense. Of course we're not in a serious relationship yet, and to him that title means a serious relationship. I'll have to wrap my mind around it and stew on it.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Wait, what?!!! I thought bf/gf and exclusivity are the same things. Being bf/gf merely means the relationship is " exclusive" and as you said, you stop seeing other people and changing facebook status is optional. I agree with another poster that this guy is obviously playing dumb. The whole bf/gf thing caught him off guard seeing as he doesn't seem all that ready to " commit" to an exclusive relationship. He could just be in the courtship phase where he still wants to be see you but he's not ready to jump the gun and ask you to BE his one and only. These things happen.
JadedHeart Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 If he truly wanted to be your boyfriend, then he would. Reverse the roles, what if he asked you to be his girlfriend? Would you give the same half baked reply? I don't think so. To me when someone says there isn't a big deal about the title/label, the majority of the time they use that as an out/excuse. "Oh, I thought since we're not gf/bf so I can do whatever I want." "Oh, I thought since we weren't exclusive I could do date around while dating you." If you had a supermodel gf/bf, would you be ambivalent about telling people you guys we're a couple? To me if they don't want the label/title that just means they're not that into you. It's the truth there's no denying it.
phineas Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Thank you all for your wonderful responses. I called him up and talked to him about it. Apparently the difference between dating exclusively and being someone's boyfriend/girlfriend is time. He said that he has told people that we're dating and that we're exclusive, which is good. He said that referring to a girl that he's exclusively dating as his "girlfriend" is right on par with saying "I love you," and is a pretty direct prequil to being someone's fiancee. I agree with him. A woman has to earn the title of GF with me. She doesn't just get it for agreeing to be exclsuive for a month or two. She needs to show me i'm not a fling or she isn't going to loose interest & drop me for the next shiny object that catches her eye in a month or two.
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