stressed0ut Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Hello, first of all let me introduce myself, I'm 21 years old, finishing up an honors undergrad degree and I'd consider myself to be quite athletic. I've been in what I would call a stable relationship for the past 6 months. Me and my girlfriend (who's 20) just started having sex a couple of months ago, and due to our busy schedules we've only done it sporadically (which sucks). Here's the problem. We don't have good sex. Premature ejaculation has happened way too many times for me, and it causes her to be frustrated and in turn stresses me out. I give her the world, but knowing I can't give her enough sexually is quite bothersome. We can have a great date, go to have sex, P.E. happens then it's like the relationship is turned upside down. I talked to her about this and told her I'm working at it, and not going to invest in her anymore if she's not invested in me. I told her it's something we can both work through, if she wants to do that. She said she doesn't want to give up on me because she loves me, but whenever P.E. happens she storms off frustrated, and I can understand why, but it blows my self-esteem and makes me fear trying it again. The thing is, I know one of these days P.E. is going to break us up unless this gets resolved. This issue is bothering me so much to the point where my marks have slipped, my confidence has gone through the floor, and my relationship is suffering. Anyone have any similar things happen to them? I hate that she said "..I'm not giving up but I can't say when the last straw will be"
phineas Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 your 21. you can't get it up again? Also, try jerking off before a date. You'll be less sensitive & last longer.
Author stressed0ut Posted February 20, 2010 Author Posted February 20, 2010 I could get it up again but the mood is too bad after the first time for her to even consider going at it for a second time. Thanks for your ideas I'll try whatever I can.
oneheart Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 I could get it up again but the mood is too bad after the first time for her to even consider going at it for a second time. Thanks for your ideas I'll try whatever I can. I think the idea is that you do this before you see her! That morning or afternoon before you get together. In the bedroom, I think if you can satisfy her first with other things before full intercourse it shows you have thought about her first. As a woman myself (32YO) who has gone through lots of sexual issues - I think it is important to remember we work differently! We like kisses and hearing how beautiful and sexy we are. It happens more in our heads and hearts than guys. The worst emotion I feel with guys who PE is the feeling of being used which is upsetting emotionally, and the other feeling is frustration! OK maybe it's not always rational (the being used bit) but there are somethings you can do to prevent this type of response happening. Maybe you could try this below and see how it goes.....? Make sure once things are flowing that she is 'satisfied' first. Something not to do is that when you have come - do not roll off her or breathe "sorry" 100 times into her ear! Instead tell her how MUCH she turns you on, how nice she feels. It kind of helps to explain why it happened so quick. You may want to fall asleep after you've come but make sure you get in with WORDS and kisses expressing how you like her, fancy her and how nice it was and she is etc... before you nod off.. lovingly holding each other. Recap... 1. Have a **** before she comes round 2. Try to satisfy her before yourself 3. Be verbal and tell her how beautiful, sexy she is, how much you like her 4.When it's time you can ...'get in'! 5. Don't forget the after love... cuddles, etc If you can be VERY honest and ask her if she can tell you when she is satisfied enough to go for intercourse. I say this just incase you can't make her orgasm just yet! I know it takes me quite a while when I meet a new guy to be relaxed enough to do this. Maybe you can let her take the lead on it? Just a thought - careful with the verbal compliments and expressions of affection - not constant conversation like, use your best judgement, relax and go with your feelings. It's very painful this issue for both of you here but there is lots of advice and info all over the net. Esp about practicing the starting and stopping technique. You can do it! I'm sure you can *hug*
Author stressed0ut Posted February 20, 2010 Author Posted February 20, 2010 Man that was some good advice, thanks a lot. I think I do a good job in showing her that I don't use her. When P.E. frustrates her I reassure her that I'm taking steps to try to fix it. I've already been to a doctor, which she doesn't know, just to rule out any medical conditions, I've also been seeking sex therapy. I do think I can help improve the problem on my own and using the suggestions that you said. However, I deeply love her and cannot stand seeing her frustrated, so I'm exploring all options. Even when I PE it isn't like it's satisfying for me because I'm disappointed, and I tell her this. The part about making her satisfied before me is something I've definitely thought a lot about. I've made her orgasm before from oral, but she wants to keep the two things separate. I try to get her off orally, make her orgasm and then relieve some pressure of myself. I'd much rather her orgasm than me orgasm. So, she won't let me stimulate her from oral if she wants to have sex. Her response would be something like "We've been there done that, we need to have sex" so this doesn't help me in any way. Our situation usually goes as follows: #1) Kissing #2) Dry grinding #3) She touches me briefly #4) Tells me to put it in All this in probably anywhere between 5-10 minutes tops I'm just really stressed out about the fact that I'm really into her emotionally, and that this could be the downfall in our relationship. If she would be open to "trying new things" with me more frequently, I'm sure the PE could be resolved as I get used to her. Since we only have sex every 3-4 weeks, it feels like it's the first time everytime. Thanks again "oneheart" I hope this issue can get resolved so this relationship can last.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 You need to do some research on premature ejaculation. Tons and tons of advice online. Lasting is a skill that can take some effort to develop. When you get remotely close to coming, slow down or stop, do something else, rein yourself in a bit. You can train this through masturbation, too. When you feel yourself getting the least bit close, stop the stimulation and clench your PC muscle. Building up the strength of this muscle is invaluable (you can also later use it to intensify orgasms and have multiples), and since you are so athletic, it won't be any problem for you. Even the most experienced of lovers are tempted to come too fast sometimes, but they pull a "wooaaah" on themselves. THIS is really hot, when you know he's dying to come, but he holds out until you do, too. I mean, that's just :love: . This is just one tip of many. Good luck!
oneheart Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Gosh I'm so impressed you are so young and doing so much about this issue! It must be a sign of the times because so many men cannot even face this issue -so first of all despite the physical issue of this you can be proud of your proactiveness to solve it. Millions of women would appreciate this! Well done! Hooray!! I'm not sure what to do next... instinct is to talk about it honestly with her. You're telling us the issue in detail... are you telling her? Is it the case she is too embarrassed and shy? Don't be afraid to take the lead - I think you are doing the right thing and being very sensible and mature about it. You could ask her if she is shy to talk about it? If she is reassure her. Actually it sounds like she is the one who can't wait in which case she is frustrating you just as much. Whispering - let's slow it down baby.... I don't want to finish things just yet. Maybe? How about... having a bath together? I mean, a change of scenery if you have only done it in the same place every time? Maybe even moving to the floor from the bed. These little things can change the normal course of intercourse. I can understand the different emotions she has attached to oral and intercourse. Intercourse is for me so much closer to the body and therfore the mind. Oral to me is like .. seperate.. not saying it's not great! Just.. it's a different story and sometimes even though you may feel like you, the guy, are performing - you know - sometimes.. it feels like we are too even though we are having it done to us! Especially when you are younger and things are still a bit new. It sounds like you could do with some research on exploring - oh god how do you spell it - orrgenous zones - foreplay etc. Positions. (it's not spelt right and I know it)! Good Luck - I'm sure you'll find lots of ideas around!
Stung Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 First, I want you to stop and realize that your girlfriend's behavior is not mature, loving, or helpful in any way, here. You should deal with this FIRST as the ejaculation thing might take some time and in the meantime she is sabotaging your confidence by reacting like a child. I realize that you feel you are in an inferior position because you are seeing this as YOUR problem, but you need to stand up for yourself here, set some boundaries. If the situation has been accurately laid out for us, where you are trying to satisfy her in other ways and she is refusing this and then storming off in anger and reproaching you if you ejaculate prematurely, she is handling this badly and sounds like she has some sexual hangups herself. Why does she need to keep oral sex and intercourse separate from one another? This is just my opinion, but if she were really orgasming from oral, she wouldn't be trying to keep the two events separate. You should try to have a very honest, no-holds-barred talk with her about what her needs truly are. Has she ever had an orgasm from oral? Most women experience clitoral orgasms more easily than orgasm from penetration, but there are exceptions. If she is one, perhaps this could explain some of her level of frustration. Have you considered incorporating toys into your routine, vibrators and dildos? Is she open enough to consider this? Something to remember: while you don't want to pressure her past her comfort zone, you do need to get back into your own comfort zone, and she has got to be more compromising towards this end, and more willing to talk maturely with you about some sensitive subjects. It's just part of being mature enough to have a sexual relationship, full stop. As for the premature ejaculation, don't let it get you too down. It's pretty common out there in the wide world, which is why there is a TON of Google-able research on it. Don't fall for any pills or scams, but do look into some of the physical and mental techniques and try the ones that make the most sense to you first. You also got some pretty good advice from Oneheart and Ruby above. And even if it takes a long time to master, in the meantime you can become a master with your hands, your tongue, your toolkit from Good Vibrations. I had a bf once who couldn't last and I barely even noticed because he was so good at everything else and so open to experimentation. That man had quite the toy collection and he really went to town with it. If your gf won't let you develop this side of your skillset, and insists on making you feel bad on what you're currently working with otherwise, well...it might be one of those painful life lessons where you learn that even if you love someone, you might be incompatible with them. Sometimes you have to move on for your own sake.
BettyBoop Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Wow, you're really a sweet guy doing all those things. I have to agree with the other posters though that its not very fair of your g/f to storm off. My boyfriend used to come too quickly in the beginning but I didn't storm off for that! I just told him I loved him very much and that it didn't bother me and I used to say it was "short and sweet" sort of to make it seem less like a disaster but that it didn't matter. I enjoyed it while it lasted! And lovemaking is soooo much more than just penetration. I also question if she really comes orally. Seems odd with THAT much of frustration...she really isn't helping you doing that. I saw a "Sex expert" episode once where the guy PE:d. They told him to do "muscular" excerise where he had a towel on his **** and then lifted it using his muscles and doing so would make him last longer when he got stronger sort of. It worked for that guy. Other things are simply to tell her to let you come and then you do it again?
foreverlove06 Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 If she really cared about you, she'd be willing to work at it. How does she expect it to get better if she blows up on you everytime it happens?... My past relationship was 4 years long, and the guy had the same problem... Sex was literally 5 minutes, if that. Yes, it was frustrating-- but i knew it bothered him too, so getting pissy about it didn't help the situation. I loved him enough that PE wasnt THAT big of a deal... We eventually tried "Man Delay", its a desensitizer that you put on the penis before you put the condom on... And it usually made him last a little longer. Or, there are certain types of condoms you can buy with benzocaine on them which has the same affect. Him and I eventually broke up, but not because of his PE--- whenever it happened, i tried to assure him that its not the end of the world... My current boyfriend is a beast-- He can last forever. I asked him how he does it, and its because over the years he has trained himself mentally to focus on other things. Everytime he feels like he is about to go, he usually slows down & thinks of something unrelated to sex (... He once told me that he thought of Oprah Winfrey, because he finds her unattractive...LOLOL. Hey, whatever works!) I think you're girlfriend is taking the wrong approach. Sex IS important, but a healthy relationship is more important in the grand scheme of things. She is unsupportive, and you should let her know that her saying those things doesnt help the situation... I really wish you the best of luck!
mem11363 Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Do you give her oral so she comes before you start intercourse? Because IMO the best move is to give your woman pleasure first. Second - have you practiced with her? You practice by entering her and then stopping all motion when you are getting close to O. And you wait until you are backed off and start to move again. And repeat the process to learn how to delay your O. This teaches your body how to last longer. You can also do a manual over ride before you connect with her. That will help. You just need to get the timing right - is half a day best, or a full day, or 4 hours etc. Each persons body is different. You need to learn to get good at oral anyway. So women can't get there through intercourse and they will automatically eliminate you if you don't have a good alternate way to please them. Hello, first of all let me introduce myself, I'm 21 years old, finishing up an honors undergrad degree and I'd consider myself to be quite athletic. I've been in what I would call a stable relationship for the past 6 months. Me and my girlfriend (who's 20) just started having sex a couple of months ago, and due to our busy schedules we've only done it sporadically (which sucks). Here's the problem. We don't have good sex. Premature ejaculation has happened way too many times for me, and it causes her to be frustrated and in turn stresses me out. I give her the world, but knowing I can't give her enough sexually is quite bothersome. We can have a great date, go to have sex, P.E. happens then it's like the relationship is turned upside down. I talked to her about this and told her I'm working at it, and not going to invest in her anymore if she's not invested in me. I told her it's something we can both work through, if she wants to do that. She said she doesn't want to give up on me because she loves me, but whenever P.E. happens she storms off frustrated, and I can understand why, but it blows my self-esteem and makes me fear trying it again. The thing is, I know one of these days P.E. is going to break us up unless this gets resolved. This issue is bothering me so much to the point where my marks have slipped, my confidence has gone through the floor, and my relationship is suffering. Anyone have any similar things happen to them? I hate that she said "..I'm not giving up but I can't say when the last straw will be"
Author stressed0ut Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 Thanks for all of your replies, they were all very helpful. But, even though she says she wants to work through this, her actions indicate otherwise. It's to the point now where I feel she thinks she can do whatever she wants in our relationship because I "have a problem". She can't look bad to her friends or to anyone else because when it comes down to it "I have a problem". She's very disrespectful to me since the problem came, and I'm worried that I'm going to get a bad rep for this "problem" since we come from a small city where word gets around fast.
MalachiX Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 I think it's best you try to solve this problem together instead you running to see a doctor and not telling her. I know you probably feel like, "I'm the guy, I can deal with this," but I think women like to feel like they're a part of solving the problem. Look up whatever info you can find on P.E. and then start practicing together. Make it like a project for the two of you. Get her input and try to make it fun. Oh, and if all else fails, turn on an episode of The View. I challenge any man to maintain an errection while watching that show.
A_guy Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Use a desensitizing condom the first time and if there is a second time, don't. Works wonders...
jp88 Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Dude...DUMP HER. IMMEDIATELY. Bottom line. I had similar problems and the key is to understand that the problem is rooted in your anxiety because of past performance. I ran through 17 girls in a matter of a couple years, but every single time I would stop after about a minute because I was so worried about feeling myself getting closer to orgasm. Its like I was getting these huge ego boosts by being able to get any woman, but then I'd just end up hating myself for PE. SO in an attempt to control the situation I ALWAYS made the girl feel like something was wrong with her (just got up and left, or said I wasn't in the mood anymore). Now onto the good news: First and foremost the reason I say break up with this terrible person is because I've had two serious relationships and both were completely understanding and patient with the problem. The first I never fully admitted to it, but she knew, and would be patient during refractory period. The second one is absolutely amazing and I love her enough that I was completely open with her about it, and she's been better than I ever could have imagined about it. NOW HERE IS THE REALLY GOOD NEWS! After about 8 months of being with this girl I can honestly say that PE is no longer an issue or a concern or anything! Because of her patience with me the mental anxiety is completely gone, and thus the problem is. Find yourself a girl like this and it will do you wonders. This past weekend I went to visit her (LDR) and in the course of 4 days I gave her 19 orgasms (real physically noticeable orgasms not just her making noises). Now keep in mind a HUGE part of dealing with PE is understanding other ways to please your woman. We had sex on five occassions during that period, and each occassion would usually go like this: Three orgasms through oral sex (for her), then two while we engaged in intercourse. Since I became concerned about PE I've studied and practiced both oral and intercourse techniques to make sure that 1.) My lover is satisfied during the periods I can't have sex with her and 2.) I take full advantage of the time we do have sex and make it as pleasing for her as possible. Two ways to accomplish the above tasks: 1. Research online, there are TONS of articles, videos, illustrations, techniques, etc. 2. MOST IMPORTANTLY (not just for this but everything) COMMUNICATE. Ask her if she likes when you do a certain thing, ask her to coach you while you're doing things, try new things, explore her body passionately. Now...if you decide to stay with this uncaring person I do have two alternate techniques for you to deal with this issue, but understand they are temporary physical fixes and will not solve the underlying issues of anxiety and insecurity. 1. Stud 100 desensitizing spray: works like a charm, BUT use too much and you won't even get a second of action. I recommend 5 sprays a half hour or so before sex. 2. Masturbation technique: I realized that a lot of my issue was rooting in my masturbation habits. I was so used to masturbating at home where I had to get off as quick as possible because of the lack of privacy, this was embedded into my sexual response system. SOOOOO practice taking 15 minutes to ejaculate while masturbating, then increase it by five or ten depending on tolerance until you reach 30. From this point on no more quickies. If you are wondering about specific techniques to make your girl have 19 orgasms in 5 sexual occassions, just ask! I'd be glad to help
D-Lish Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Your gf isn't being supportive or mature about this. This isn't only your problem- she is contributing to the stress and pressure to perform by getting angry. She could offer to go down on you first- then have you go down on her, and by that time you'd be ready to go again for a longer time. Most women would be appreciative of a guy that is interested in selflessly pleasuring them. It's ridiculous to get angry at you about this. A truly loving, unselfish partner would want to discuss ways to make things better for both of you. Seriously, storming off after sex? I see her being at fault here, not you.
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