Jalor Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 So, this is the story... My gf and I broke up approximately 4 months ago. We had been together 2 years and had been through a lot of testing times (Long Distance for 8 months during this 2 years). I am from the UK and she is from France and we met abroad where we were both working for the same company on a placement year for university. The start of our relationship was difficult as I realised that I liked her while she was breaking up with her ex of nearly 4 years. The first 2 months of our relationship were extremely testing as her ex took the break up badly and she still felt very emotional as he had meant a lot to her. This made for a very difficult start. She has always been in relationships and hasn't ever been single and she felt at the time that being with me was too much too soon but eventually I won her over and she let herself fall in love again. I won't discuss the whole relationship but we spent the most amazing times of my life together and we did so much and visited so many countries and I really felt as though we would spend the rest of our lives together. For the first 6 months of our relationship, I really felt as though I needed her more than she needed me but things evened out and towards the end, things were different. I felt throughout the relationship that I was prepared to make more concessions than she was and this was a big part of the reason for the downfall of our relationship. In August of last year, I found an internship in Paris so that I could be with her after her putting significant pressure on me to find something there (admittedly she did try to find something in the UK but I think she could have done more). Anyway, to cut a very long story short, I wasn't happy in the job and was beginning to resent her for having pressured me to find a job in something I didn't want to do, living 1 hour away from work at her place and her continued reluctance to concede anything for the relationship. I felt myself moving away from her for the first time in our relationship. I had always wanted to be with her every day and if I couldn't, to speak with her. She was everything for me but I think that the uncertainty regarding my future while she was in a permanent job whilst living in her home city made me feel as though she was being selfish. I also felt as though I was too reliant on her as the only people I knew in France were her family and friends and I am a really independent guy and I felt as though I was living her life. I began to move away from her and enjoy it when she went to visit her friends so that I could just be alone and do my own thing. Anyway, suffice to say that our relationship deteriorated and my continued reluctance to do anything with her ended up in me moving out and we eventually broke up. I was very upset but at the time, I thought that I was doing the right thing as I didn't feel as though I was in love with her anymore. After not speaking for 2 weeks, for the next 2 months she called me and texted me every day in tears saying that we could make it work even if it required long distance but I refused. I still cared for her and never ignored her calls but I was hard and quite cold with her towards the end as I saw that when I showed weakness, it would give her hope. Throughout the break up, I told her that I still saw my future with her but that we had to live our own lives for now until I sorted out my career and my life in general. I can't stress the pain that I went through but for some reason, I really did think that I was making the right decision. Unfortunately, around this time, she got told that she had a certain health problem that I knew she had been worried about for a while. I tried to be there for her but hesitated to be entirely there as it seemed as though she was trying to use this as a way of getting the relationship back together. After a couple of months (early December) the calls and texts stopped and I received 1 final call where she asked me whether I would still see a future with her if she saw other people. I told her that I had no control over what she did and she was free (I hated saying it but I knew it would be hypocritical to tell her that I wouldn't be comfortable with it). Fast forward to mid January, I have been thinking about her a lot and am really starting to miss everything about being together with her. I hear from a mutual friend that she has begun seeing another guy. This was the moment I realised what I had really done so I went to France without telling her and turned up on her doorstep. The first night went quite badly with her saying that I had hurt her too badly and that it was impossible for us to get back together because her feelings towards me had changed after seeing me so cold. Anyway, we spent the next 3 evenings together, going for meals and just walking around town. She admitted to me that she had slept with the other guy which really surpised me as I knew how much she valued waiting before sex. We waited almost 4 months and it was the same for her relationship before me. She told me that she had to do it to get over me but she said that it was over with this guy. Anyway, the next few days got better and better and eventually on the last day, we kissed and just stayed in each other's arms and I felt so in love with her again. On the train back, she sent me a message saying that she would miss me and to call her and email her when I wanted. Move forward 2 weeks, I go back to France and it is a different picture. I am only there for 2 evenings and the first goes relatively well. She tells me that she's been thinking of me but continues to be reluctant to show her affection. The second evening, she randomly comes out and tells me that we will not be getting back together and that there is another guy. Our mutual friend had told me that for the past couple of months she and her manager had been flirting and then on this last evening, she told me that they were pretty much together. I was devastated and couldn't understand how things could change so much in 2 weeks. I asked whether they had slept together and she said no. I later found out from our mutual friend (who I live with) that she actually had slept with him. This was the first time in 2 years that she had lied to me. This girl is the most honest person I know and I don't understand why she lied to me. I tried to go NC but I couldn't because I really didn't understand how she could change in such a small amount of time. I know that I hurt her but my attitude gradually changed over time, hers has seemingly shifted 180 degrees in 2 weeks. Last week I sent her a letter with everything I was thinking and she replied saying that the letter had made her really sad but that she had moved on and it was over and that I should move on too. I know that I am largely to blame for getting myself into this situation but I did truly believe that I was doing the right thing at the time. When I think back to times where she was crying in front of me and looking so fragile, it makes me feel physically ill. When I read the emails that she sent to me trying to get me back, I am so upset it hurts. I really don't know what to do. I know that we can't rebuild anything in separate countries and it seems as though she doesn't want to anyway but I know her and she's not the type of girl to move on like that. It hurts me loads that she has slept with 2 guys after only just knowing them as I know how much time we waited. She seems to have changed and it hurts to see her like that. I miss her so much. 1) Do you think that it is completely over or do you think a second chance in the future is possible after not seeing each other for say 6 months? 2) I am NC with her at the moment, is this the best policy? The problem is that I will hear her news whether I like it or not through my housemate... 3) Can people change as much as she has or do you think it is a temporary thing?
kristinabopp Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 jalor i know how u feel, my ex bf/fiance broke up with me this dec.24. but the day before he broke up he told me not to leave him and told me he will marry me as soon as he gets here in california*his parents kick me out of their house so i have to go back* and he proposed to me many times and i said I DO want to marry him.. and then the next day he just broke up. that really shocked me and made me down until now. see how people can change? mine just took 1 day! and it was the biggest downfall of my life. idk how to think, idk if its temporary but all i know is that im closing my door for good and i will neverwant to love anymore coz i know im just gonna get hurt. its been almost 2months and im still grieving. but whatever. i dont know how people change so fast, and it bothers me coz i know IT TAKES TIME TO CHANGE. im so sorry.. i know it hurts so bad but u never know what can happen in the future.. sometimes when people say its OVER in the end its really not. because we cant say its over, when we dont even know our future.. your not alone, theres a lot here in LS that goes through grieving/pain thing.and thats includes me..
unfazed Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 1) Do you think that it is completely over or do you think a second chance in the future is possible after not seeing each other for say 6 months? 2) I am NC with her at the moment, is this the best policy? The problem is that I will hear her news whether I like it or not through my housemate... 3) Can people change as much as she has or do you think it is a temporary thing? 1) It depends, when you broke things off did you communicate all these feelings to her or did you hold it back and then choose to break up? .. if you communicated your feelings to her and she didn't care to do anything are you sure this is the girl you want to win back? .. but if not, then your best policy is to let her know(ONCE), that you made a mistake and you thought you were doing the right thing but that you understand if she needs to move on. 2) NC is the best policy for you i would say, it doesn't have to be completely shutting her out of your life unless you want to just heal and move on, but the days of you contacting her first should be over. If she is thinking about you, then she will get in contact with you, she knows what you've offered. and when and if she does, play it cool. And i know that it might be hard to hear things about her, but don't let it affect your judgement if that's possible. 3)Two years is a long time to be with someone, she tried getting you back and it didn't work so i'm sure she and her friends and family have convinced her to move on, and go out to get over it. IF she still has feelings for you, her new actions likely won't be permanent but you'll just have to wait and see (sucks, but you choose to end the relationship).
Author Jalor Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 1) It depends, when you broke things off did you communicate all these feelings to her or did you hold it back and then choose to break up? .. if you communicated your feelings to her and she didn't care to do anything are you sure this is the girl you want to win back? .. but if not, then your best policy is to let her know(ONCE), that you made a mistake and you thought you were doing the right thing but that you understand if she needs to move on. 2) NC is the best policy for you i would say, it doesn't have to be completely shutting her out of your life unless you want to just heal and move on, but the days of you contacting her first should be over. If she is thinking about you, then she will get in contact with you, she knows what you've offered. and when and if she does, play it cool. And i know that it might be hard to hear things about her, but don't let it affect your judgement if that's possible. 3)Two years is a long time to be with someone, she tried getting you back and it didn't work so i'm sure she and her friends and family have convinced her to move on, and go out to get over it. IF she still has feelings for you, her new actions likely won't be permanent but you'll just have to wait and see (sucks, but you choose to end the relationship). 1) I didn't end the relationship, it was mutual at the time but I agree that it was more on my side because I had hit my tolerance limit. When we were breaking up, I told her that I loved her but that it couldn't work right now. I always tried to reassure her but then I realised from her emails that this was giving her false hope that we could get back together imminently so I stopped and acted quite cold. I really am not that kind of guy, I have always been a sensitive person so looking back on that hurts me because it really wasn't me. 2) I am still NC but it is really hard...I know that I need to give her time to miss me and to realise that the new guy in her life may not be what she wants but it is so difficult thinking that she may be starting a new life with someone else. 3) I completely agree with you here, she is someone who really listens to her friends and family and some of her friends have never got on with me because they were best friends with the guy who she was with before me. I am sure that she received advice saying to stay away. I also think this may be one of the reasons why the first time I went to see her, she seemed really close and we were almost back together whereas 2 weeks later, things had completely changed. I believe that during this 2 weeks, she sought advice from these particular friends. I really don't know where I stand. I want to go NC so that she can realise that we are meant to be together but I also don't because I am worried that she will just get closer and closer to this other guy if I am not there to remind her.
unfazed Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Well, her actions will tell you where you stand. Right now it's not in a good area, and if you don't back off your gonna push her away or seeking the advice of people who are going to tell her to stay away. Your correct if you think she might fall in love with this guy and leave you for good, but if that happens it's not because you weren't in arms reach, it will be because she moved on, regardless if your in contact with her or not. NC is to help YOU move on, but in general when they realize that the other person is serious about cutting them from their life they start to think about what is it they really want. If it's you (and it may take some time), then she will reach out to you, and if it's not then she won't and at least you will have already started the healing process. i'm sure your going to do what you want, but after letting her know how you feel, i don't think pursuing it won't help.
Author Jalor Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 It's so difficult to just leave all this to happen. I know that she is the type of girl who needs her bf to be ever-present and so it is such a weight on my heart knowing that by being NC, I am just letting her fall into the other guy's arms. I completely understand that it is relatively pointless contacting her while we are still in different countries but I don't want her to have completely forgotten me by the time that there is a possibility of us being able to live in the same country. It's the uncertainty that's killing me. I don't know if she's with this other guy, I don't know whether she has completely moved on, I have just lost her from my life and it hurts a lot.
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