DenverBachelor Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 The will and want to hate your ex is merely a front to ignoring your own faults in the relationship and not accepting the totality of what you should be learning from that failure.
HeavenOrHell Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Not in my case, I took most of the responsibility, if not all, for the break up for a long time, even though everyone else, including him, was saying it cant just be your fault, and eventually I believed them. I accept my part of the blame but I think we were both to blame. Any anger I feel for my ex now is hurt because I feel upset that he still left knowing how much I'd tried to put things right and knowing how much he meant to me, he still chose to leave me as 2nd best and went off to find other women, I'm also angry cos one of them is an ex pal of mine. I have learnt loads from the mistakes I made in that relationship and I am putting into practice all the things I have learnt. The will and want to hate your ex is merely a front to ignoring your own faults in the relationship and not accepting the totality of what you should be learning from that failure.
Simon Attwood Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 The will and want to hate your ex is merely a front to ignoring your own faults in the relationship and not accepting the totality of what you should be learning from that failure. I would say that its basis is far, far more primitive than that and that this rationalisation is merely applied to suit our modern world and the explanations we crave that fit in to the modern identity. I would also suggest greater complexity and infinite variety; for instance, some partners do deserve the ire irrelevant of the basis for the emotion. Having said that, I would agree that the vast majority of hatred is an ego defence mechanism that vastly exaggerates the crimes, or in some cases, completely invents them, in order to protect identity.
Sadbutrelieved Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 (edited) I think my on-and-off "hatred" of my ex probably is a defense mechanism for me so that I can avoid taking a closer look at my own faults in the relationship. Although my ex is a loser, why did I put up with it so long? It certainly isn't something I just recently discovered. I knew he was lying to me and couldn't be trusted years before it was finally over. If I'd ended it way back then, I wouldn't have felt one twinge of anything. I'm the one who let him get away with things just to keep the peace. I won't go down that road again. When I look back at my own behavior in the relationship over the past year, I was practically pushing him away. I was afraid if I broke it off with him he'd do something to hurt me in some way, so I became the most boring girlfriend you could imagine, maybe even hoping he'd move on. I know I did that, so I really have no reason to hate him. I should be jumping for joy that he's gone, not focusing on how he went about it. Whatever bad, sad, or angry emotions I'm feeling now are directed at the person I thought he was when we first got together, angry at the realization that he would not change, and facing the disappointment that it really was all just an illusion and I fell for it. He is diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder, aka sociopath. Nothing they tell you is real, it's only to get what they want. I'll have to say he picked a good victim with me, as I have way too much patience and try to see the good in people. Our relationship could never have worked no matter how hard I tried or didn't try, because no one can ever give him enough...he's a taker in every way, and he gives very little back. It's his nature and I couldn't have changed that, and my stubborn mind has finally accepted that. The hatred I was feeling even as recently as a few days ago seems to have dissipated. All of the revenge I wanted to get on him...gone. I dreamed his GF broke up with him and he came back to me, and I woke up in a cold sweat. I don't want him back; the only thing I miss is the fun and laughs we used to have together, but that certainly isn't worth all the games that came along with it. I can have fun with someone else in due time. I've let go of the anger (I hope for good) and I'm ready to move on to whatever life holds for me. Edited February 20, 2010 by Sadbutrelieved
Odyssey Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 (edited) Sometimes... but it really does depend on the situation. Anger can be masking the real feeling of rejection or jealousy (especially if the ex seem to have moved on so quickly). Often anger towards the ex is legitimate because they broke our trust / cheated. Or they simply gave up on attempting to 'fix/work' on the relationship. It doesn't mean it's all your fault. Anger is natural when you taken the ex off that damn pedestal. You see them for who they are (now) instead who they were. Edited February 20, 2010 by Odyssey
Simon Attwood Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 . Anger can be masking the real feeling of rejection or jealousy (especially if the ex seem to have moved on so quickly). Or fear of love and fear of commitment. When we fear something, whether the fear is rational, or not, whether the fear is physical, or psychological, or emotional, it is perceived as a threat in very primitive parts of our minds. We have evolved a defence mechanism that is only capable of simple calculations; we are given 2 choices by this primitive part of the brain that takes over at times of threat; run, or fight. It is therefore quite logical, that when we have a fear of love, we find, or create reasons to attack or flee a libidinal object. to the other person, it appears as madness and it is labelled; WAW, WAH, Narcissist, Borderline, sociopath. The label, and the demonising, reflect the dichotomous nature of the brain at times of threat.
answers_please Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 The will and want to hate your ex is merely a front to ignoring your own faults in the relationship and not accepting the totality of what you should be learning from that failure. Funny that this should come up today as I've just had a call from a pal who saw my ex AP today and detected a 'level of hatred' within her for me still - yet she was the dumper not me. Could it be because the reason for dumping me was completely wrong and she is now furious with herself for ending it? (she admitted she was gutted when she realized the error afterward, but things went downhill because of that reaction) Could it be that she is really furious with me because I wrote her and told her that despite everything that happened and the cr*p that followed the split, that I forgave her 100% for anything manipulative or wrong in anyway, that she had done to me during the break up and wished her well (reverse dump psychology?) Could it be as others have posted, that actually she is hurting herself still; dumpers guilt and this is just defense? Could it be that she is insecure and needy now and this is another form of self-defense? Could it be that she realises I am not under 'her spell' anymore? I loved her more than anyone in my whole life without doubt, but I have had to let her go as hanging on during / after the split was killing me. The forgiveness letter really took away all my hatred on my part - maybe a bit selfish do you think? Even so surely that's better than hating someone everyday? I have no idea but would love a female perspective. I just know that I have FINALLY got to the place where I have understood what errors were made, by whom and stored that knowledge away for the future. I have no bad feelings or resentment left for her and I just occasionally recall the brilliant times, because there were plenty of them. No chance of a reconcilliation whilst this is still in force of course so have moved on - but it still stings every now and then though. You can't lose something like that and not have the odd moment of regret unless your name is Spock! Some say if someone hates you, they still have feelings for you. What do you think of that theory? Maybe, but surely only bad ones!!!
GrayClouds Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 The will and want to hate your ex is merely a front to ignoring your own faults in the relationship and not accepting the totality of what you should be learning from that failure. For those who do not have the courage, strength or interest to become a better person, yes. It is just another form of distraction like holding on to the pain, jumping into new realtionships, using drink or drugs, ect.
bananaboat11 Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 This is going to sound arrogant/obnoxious, but if you read and know my story... she is 100% to blame for the breakup. The ONE thing I did wrong was put my wall up to protect myself. It wasn't until I took it down did she grow distant and eventually hurt me? Why? I was her rebound guy. I gave her sex when her ex wouldn't b/c he was ****ing someone else. I don't regret having my wall up, though.
Dragon_Lady Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 In my case I have take most of the blame and would love to be able to find it in me to be angry at my Ex for it would make life simpler but instead it is he who has turned his anger on me. I feel to a certain degree as was mentioned previously... Anger is a defense mechanism when one is hurt... it is most times easier to find anger against those that have hurt us versus dealing with the pain from the hurts...
GrayClouds Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 This is going to sound arrogant/obnoxious, but if you read and know my story... she is 100% to blame for the breakup. The ONE thing I did wrong was put my wall up to protect myself. It wasn't until I took it down did she grow distant and eventually hurt me? Why? I was her rebound guy. I gave her sex when her ex wouldn't b/c he was ****ing someone else. I don't regret having my wall up, though. Boat could a percentage of it been that you were attracted to an emotional unavailable women? That some insecurities within yourself made a relationship like that feel more safe and manageable setting yourself up for disappointment? That proving your love somehow felt more real? Taking a real hard look will likel lower her perceantage and raise yours.
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