How to go about forgiving oneself?

[mcpexa]

I made a mistake. I made a huge friggin' mistake. Six years ago I got involved with a married man 29 years my senior. I have always had a thing for older men...never this much older though. I participated in this affair for a full year before HE finally decided to come clean with his wife. They were married for about 25 years and have two older children, not living at home anymore. I fell in love. He fell in love. We fell in love. Six years later, we are still together, they are separated with divorce papers almost filed...just a few more loose ends to tie up.

 

I carry around so much shame, guilt and hatred towards myself for my actions. While the affair was happening, I didn't feel so bad. Yeah, I wasn't happy with myself, but I was okay. But now...it just feels so toxic. I really think I need to forgive myself but I just don't know how. What does that mean? What does that look like? What do I need to do? If I try, how will I know I succeeded?

 

I've since moved from the little town where the affair took place. It was a town where everyone knew each other and each others business. Because my boyfriend still has strong ties in this small town, it is very much still a part of our lives. Every time we visit I find myself engulfed with dread, fear, shame, guilt...I don't want to be seen by anyone. I make him go out and buy the food. We stay inside, or go on a long drive, but never do we show ourselves and our relationship to the public. He carries this shame with him as well, but he can manage to face the public when I'm NOT with him. I can't even do that. If it were up to me, I'd never visit this small town ever again.

 

My therapist told me I should forgive myself. I just don't know how. So my question is, HOW does one go about forgiving themself when they just feel so absolutely disgraced about themselves and their actions? I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do, but I know I need to do something.

 

help.

[MizFit]

Here I go...

 

In my mid 20s I was a BS and I ended my marriage immediately. My exH built a relationship with his OW and they ended up married a few years later. I remember a specific conversation with my mother in law shortly after the A was exposed...she said that she hated the OW and that she would never welcome her and that she had ruined everything for her son, her grandson, and me. I set her straight...I told her very specifically that the OW was an insignificant part of what happened. I told her my shortcomings that made my marriage vulnerable to an A...I told her my feelings on what her son had done to make the marriage vulnerable to an A. I told her that if anyone was to blame for the breakup of the marriage it was her son...he ultimately made the decision to go outside the marriage and that decision changed everything. I knew the OW...she was a bltch and I knew she would have a difficult time fitting into the family...I told my MIL that and I asked her to do what she could to accept her and to not throw me into conversation and to not make comparisons. It wasn't her fault...it was my husbands fault.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that in my eyes, as a BS, your boyfriend is the guilty party. You may have empathy for the BS and kids and anyone left in the wake, but you can forgive yourself...he cheated on his spouse.

 

I know this won't be a popular response...I tend to be a bit of a loner on the responsibility issue, but when I was a BS I felt the same. Keep working with your therapist or find another who can help you deal with this.

 

Take care

[mcpexa]

Here I go...

 

In my mid 20s I was a BS and I ended my marriage immediately. My exH built a relationship with his OW and they ended up married a few years later. I remember a specific conversation with my mother in law shortly after the A was exposed...she said that she hated the OW and that she would never welcome her and that she had ruined everything for her son, her grandson, and me. I set her straight...I told her very specifically that the OW was an insignificant part of what happened. I told her my shortcomings that made my marriage vulnerable to an A...I told her my feelings on what her son had done to make the marriage vulnerable to an A. I told her that if anyone was to blame for the breakup of the marriage it was her son...he ultimately made the decision to go outside the marriage and that decision changed everything. I knew the OW...she was a bltch and I knew she would have a difficult time fitting into the family...I told my MIL that and I asked her to do what she could to accept her and to not throw me into conversation and to not make comparisons. It wasn't her fault...it was my husbands fault.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that in my eyes, as a BS, your boyfriend is the guilty party. You may have empathy for the BS and kids and anyone left in the wake, but you can forgive yourself...he cheated on his spouse.

 

I know this won't be a popular response...I tend to be a bit of a loner on the responsibility issue, but when I was a BS I felt the same. Keep working with your therapist or find another who can help you deal with this.

 

Take care

 

Mizfit:

 

I can't thank you enough for your honest, kind and understanding words. Believe it or not, I find my first sense of solace in reading them. I agree that you won't win any popularity contests with your ideas here, but I find you exceptionally mature in your thoughts. I appreciate knowing that there are some people (husbands and wives) out there that can take responsibility for the conflicts in the marriage and not be so quick to blame the third party. The truth is, in this triangle, as in most triangles in affairs, we are all responsible on some level. I think I must've internalized the popular assumption that the OW is the cause of it all and should be demoralized for eternity because I do feel so absolutely disgraced by the whole thing and cannot help but agree with the masses that I F#$%ed it all up. Thank you for your understanding. You are rare.

[MizFit]

Mizfit:

 

I can't thank you enough for your honest, kind and understanding words. Believe it or not, I find my first sense of solace in reading them. I agree that you won't win any popularity contests with your ideas here, but I find you exceptionally mature in your thoughts. I appreciate knowing that there are some people (husbands and wives) out there that can take responsibility for the conflicts in the marriage and not be so quick to blame the third party. The truth is, in this triangle, as in most triangles in affairs, we are all responsible on some level. I think I must've internalized the popular assumption that the OW is the cause of it all and should be demoralized for eternity because I do feel so absolutely disgraced by the whole thing and cannot help but agree with the masses that I F#$%ed it all up. Thank you for your understanding. You are rare.

 

You have no idea how happy it makes me to know I've said something that has helped you. So often you put things onto forums and it causes more chaos than peace...thank you.

 

Everyone tends to blame the OW at one point or another...all goes well and pretty soon the A is exposed and instead of the BS, parents, siblings, kids, colleagues blaming the person who is a part of their life it's much easier to blame the anonymous person who becomes the devil incarnate. You can't blame them...I didn't want to think my H did that to me, but he did. The reality is he cheated on me...everyone around me wanted to hate her and I wouldn't let them...to me that's the easy and incorrect way forward.

 

Of course there are many OW who bring the worst upon themselves...stalking and harrassing and boiling bunnies. I'm not one of those and my ex's OW wasn't one of them either.

 

Hold your head high...you have a man who is now with you. He sees something in you and he wants to be with you. He evidently thought you were worth the tough times...be happy in that. Never, ever be of the opinion you beat her...be of the opinion he was strong enough to lead his life as he ultimately wanted to. Always remember you are rare as well...not many OW have that experience.

[pureinheart]

Here I go...

 

In my mid 20s I was a BS and I ended my marriage immediately. My exH built a relationship with his OW and they ended up married a few years later. I remember a specific conversation with my mother in law shortly after the A was exposed...she said that she hated the OW and that she would never welcome her and that she had ruined everything for her son, her grandson, and me. I set her straight...I told her very specifically that the OW was an insignificant part of what happened. I told her my shortcomings that made my marriage vulnerable to an A...I told her my feelings on what her son had done to make the marriage vulnerable to an A. I told her that if anyone was to blame for the breakup of the marriage it was her son...he ultimately made the decision to go outside the marriage and that decision changed everything. I knew the OW...she was a bltch and I knew she would have a difficult time fitting into the family...I told my MIL that and I asked her to do what she could to accept her and to not throw me into conversation and to not make comparisons. It wasn't her fault...it was my husbands fault.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that in my eyes, as a BS, your boyfriend is the guilty party. You may have empathy for the BS and kids and anyone left in the wake, but you can forgive yourself...he cheated on his spouse.

 

I know this won't be a popular response...I tend to be a bit of a loner on the responsibility issue, but when I was a BS I felt the same. Keep working with your therapist or find another who can help you deal with this.

 

Take care

 

Nope, not the only one...lol...this is what I have been saying also...there is much division on this issue. To me every situation is different.

 

Being a BS 4 times, I never blamed the OW...it was the M that was the problem...all of them but one (only because I didn't get the chance) I cheated on them back (trust me, my story doesn't go over too well either...lol, but hey it's what happened). Then was the OP in an EA.

 

FTR, I didn't set out to "get them back", I was just uninterested in the M any longer and didn't take it seriously anymore. I totally detached and was very good at that.

 

mcpexa:

 

Now this is just a small portion of my life...you can't imagine my entire story..lol..soooo with that, if I can forgive myself, so should you...I have screwed up more that you and 500 other people that you can think of...and that's ok because people might not forgive me, although God did, and if He did, then who am I not to forgive myself.

 

Concerning the small town, gf don't let small people have power over you...I know the two of you are veiwed as "the bad people", but guess what, who are they to judge you? Only God can judge you, be concerned about Him and noone else. People act so self righteous at times, like they have never done anything wrong....actually it's none of their business anyway.

 

I don't know your entire sitch, as they are all different....my advice would be to take resposibility for what IS yours, and nothing that is not...I really don't think YOU had the power to break up his M, as he has choices also.

 

Some feel horrible for seeing a MM, some don't....I did...so I took resposibility for that and that is it, although it was his M and not mine.

[crazycatlady]

I am a BS. You need to forgive yourself. I thought I had posted last night but I guess I never committed it. I do that now and then.

 

Anyway, I agree for the most part with both Pure and MizFit. Even though I do feel the OW in our triangle did betray me almost as much as my H betrayed me, I am not bitter and angry about it because I find those emotions to be useless to hold on to. They aren't productive. If you are gearing up to leave, they might be protective, but even then, harboring those emotions just isn't healthy. Same with hurt, but that one took longer to get through. And sometimes that comes back to visit me now and then, but not too often and its easy to send it on its way. In my case the OW is someone very close to me and it was almost as much a betrayal as H.

 

Like anger, bitterness, and hurt, Guilt is an unproductive emotion. It is actually harmful. You can not go back and change the past. Leaving your man now will not cause the hurt and pain you gave his wife to cease to exisit, nor will you make it all better by going. NOTHING is accomplished by allowing the guilt to control your life. It could in fact ruin your relationship.

 

Small towns know everyone's business. Just a hazard, but why let other people put what they think you should feel on your shoulders? Never take someone elses idea of what you feel on to yourself.

 

CCL

[GrayClouds]

I made a mistake. I made a huge friggin' mistake. Six years ago I got involved with a married man 29 years my senior. I have always had a thing for older men...never this much older though. I participated in this affair for a full year before HE finally decided to come clean with his wife. They were married for about 25 years and have two older children, not living at home anymore. I fell in love. He fell in love. We fell in love. Six years later, we are still together, they are separated with divorce papers almost filed...just a few more loose ends to tie up.

 

I carry around so much shame, guilt and hatred towards myself for my actions. While the affair was happening, I didn't feel so bad. Yeah, I wasn't happy with myself, but I was okay. But now...it just feels so toxic. I really think I need to forgive myself but I just don't know how. What does that mean? What does that look like? What do I need to do? If I try, how will I know I succeeded?

 

I've since moved from the little town where the affair took place. It was a town where everyone knew each other and each others business. Because my boyfriend still has strong ties in this small town, it is very much still a part of our lives. Every time we visit I find myself engulfed with dread, fear, shame, guilt...I don't want to be seen by anyone. I make him go out and buy the food. We stay inside, or go on a long drive, but never do we show ourselves and our relationship to the public. He carries this shame with him as well, but he can manage to face the public when I'm NOT with him. I can't even do that. If it were up to me, I'd never visit this small town ever again.

 

My therapist told me I should forgive myself. I just don't know how. So my question is, HOW does one go about forgiving themself when they just feel so absolutely disgraced about themselves and their actions? I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do, but I know I need to do something.

 

help.

 

mcpexa, I hear genuine pain in your words.

 

If you fell guilt for behavior that was disgraceful first thing to do is change the behavior. You may want to take a serious look at the relationship and decide if it will give yo a foundation to build a happy and health life. Loking at your current description of it, it would seem difficult.

 

Secondly a way to forgive your self can be found through acts grace. Doing things that put other before you. Find some ways to help others, go out of your way to do some loving acts to those around you, put ohters needs before your wants. Do this consciously throughout your day, even small acts can go along way; holding the door open for someone, letting someone get in line ahead you, giving someone that seat on the bus, go volunteer somewhere.

 

Finally understand that this affair was not only yours. While you chose it and particiated it it, there was also someone else involve who was being selfish. Someone who was older, with more life experience who should have known the ramification of such behaviors. Own your part of it but it is not all yours. I know it may be reallly hard to hear but the best thing that you may do is to walk away from this relationship, spend some time really rebuilding yourself to be the person you what to be and one your proud of. I would suggest that what your are feeling now is a indicator that a quality person does exist in you, it is time you discover her again.

 

Remember, be kind to yourself

[mcpexa]

mcpexa, I hear genuine pain in your words.

 

If you fell guilt for behavior that was disgraceful first thing to do is change the behavior. You may want to take a serious look at the relationship and decide if it will give yo a foundation to build a happy and health life. Loking at your current description of it, it would seem difficult.

 

Secondly a way to forgive your self can be found through acts grace. Doing things that put other before you. Find some ways to help others, go out of your way to do some loving acts to those around you, put ohters needs before your wants. Do this consciously throughout your day, even small acts can go along way; holding the door open for someone, letting someone get in line ahead you, giving someone that seat on the bus, go volunteer somewhere.

 

Finally understand that this affair was not only yours. While you chose it and particiated it it, there was also someone else involve who was being selfish. Someone who was older, with more life experience who should have known the ramification of such behaviors. Own your part of it but it is not all yours. I know it may be reallly hard to hear but the best thing that you may do is to walk away from this relationship, spend some time really rebuilding yourself to be the person you what to be and one your proud of. I would suggest that what your are feeling now is a indicator that a quality person does exist in you, it is time you discover her again.

 

Remember, be kind to yourself

 

I guess I'm slightly confused here. Are you saying that ending my relationship would be considered "changing the behavior?" I don't think I can ever change the behavior because whats done is done. I know I won't REPEAT the behavior, but leaving the man I love and our wonderful relationship isn't the answer. Building a foundation for a happy healthy life sounds great to me, but do I really need to let go of a part of what makes it feel so happy and healthy?

 

I like your idea of doing acts of kindness and grace. I definitely think that could be helpful and will try to incorporate more of that in my life.

 

I know that a quality person exists somewhere within me. I'm not really willing to give up my man in order to find her. Isn't there a way to keep the man and find the quality within? Someone in another post said that leaving the relationship wouldn't make the pain go away. I did what I did and it will be with me in ANY relationship I choose to be in.

 

I am still curious though, how do I know when I've been forgiven by myself? Is it just owning up to and publically displaying my relationship in and around this small town? Is it sharing with people close to me the truth behind my relationship, as people (in this new town I live in)do not know the truth about it?

 

Feeback helps, and I appreciate everyone's comments so far. Thank you.

[jennie-jennie]

You love a man. He loves you. What is there to feel guilty about? Nothing.

[wheelwright]

You made a mistake. Nobody died, you shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life atoning for it. You didn't ruin anyones life, but you will ruin your own by not living it. The best way to move forward is to be the best person you can possibly be. You can't change the past, but you are responsible for your future.

 

I kind of agree with this, and think it's good advice in any case.

 

The more you go out there, the more it will feel normal. The more you face your cowardice, the more it will diminish.

 

You are asking others to accept your life choices, and despite the small town gossip, people can be very accepting.

 

Go out. Go to the shop. You will find many who don't look down on you.

 

Good, whole people tend not to judge. Many are inspired when they see love that is running its true course.

 

This is a fear, and as such needs to be faced. Your sense of shame will diminish, while your acknowledgement for the price people paid can remain intact.

 

It may take time and a certain bravery, but you will hold your head high again.

 

Good luck!

[Confused4Now]

You made a mistake. Nobody died, you shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life atoning for it. You didn't ruin anyones life, but you will ruin your own by not living it. The best way to move forward is to be the best person you can possibly be. You can't change the past, but you are responsible for your future.

I'm in agreement with this 100%....yeah move forward be the best you can.

[GrayClouds]

 

I know that a quality person exists somewhere within me. I'm not really willing to give up my man in order to find her. Isn't there a way to keep the man and find the quality within? Someone in another post said that leaving the relationship wouldn't make the pain go away. I did what I did and it will be with me in ANY relationship I choose to be in.

 

I am still curious though, how do I know when I've been forgiven by myself? Is it just owning up to and publically displaying my relationship in and around this small town? Is it sharing with people close to me the truth behind my relationship, as people (in this new town I live in)do not know the truth about it?

 

Feeback helps, and I appreciate everyone's comments so far. Thank you.

 

 

I did not you had to give up the relationship I merely suggested that the foundation in which it is built on is shaky. You may love the man but do you love yourself? If you feel guilty about a behavior then the first thing you should do is stop the behavior.

 

Re-read the lines in bold.

 

When I was a kid I found this vintage 1960 Fender Startacastor in a dumpster. Obviously it was stolen and someone place it there to come back for it. But I took it home. Though as wonderful as a guitar it was I could never play it, I aways felt a guilty about it. I could have done million of good deeds but still would have never been comfortable with it. So I did the one things I really did not want to, call police and reported finding it. The store that it was stolen from thanked me with a T-shirt, o'boy a $20 t-shirt for a $5,000 guitar but it would hjave never felt good in my hand any way.

 

No you do not have to give up the realtionship, but if you really want to discover that quality person inside, is usually does not come easy. Which is why most people just ignores that feeling of guilt.

 

Giveing up the relationship would not make the pain go away. But if you were in realtionship that was not developed in the manner this one started it would not be there.

 

Though focusing on yourself without distractions will. Trying to understand why you choose the behaviors you did that inflected this pain on you will give you insight to what issue you need to address to grow as a person. It will keep you from similar destructive behavior in the future, give you new strengths and greater empathy for others. This takes great effort.

Edited February 21, 2010 by GrayClouds

[Angel1111]

I know that a quality person exists somewhere within me. I'm not really willing to give up my man in order to find her. Isn't there a way to keep the man and find the quality within?QUOTE]

 

You don't need to give up your relationship. The truth is, your husband chose you over a lousy, long-term relationship. That makes you special.

 

I believe that once a person cheats, they're basically done with the relationship that they're currently in. I know a lot of people repair their marriages after an affair and all that, but at that moment in time - the point where they make the decision to cheat and follow thru with it - they have made the decision that they are done with the relationship. Some people change their minds later but your husband didn't change his mind after all was said and done. There was something incredibly wrong in his marriage and it was probably that way for many, mamy years.

 

Just because you had an affair with a married man doesn't mean you're not a quality person. You're letting other people's judgements about affairs cloud your view of yourself. You know what happened, you know why you did what you did, and after all was said and done, your love for one another won out. Maybe the two of you could've handled it another way, but who can say that they did everything right, and made all the right decisions? No one.

 

You'll know when you've forgiven yourself when you're at peace with yourself and your life once more. When you're proud to be seen in that small little town (where there have been more affairs than anyone would admit) arm in arm with your loving husband.

[norajane]

You have to stop thinking of yourself as the Other Woman before anyone else will. As long as you keep hiding, you're acting like you have something to hide, like you're not fit to be seen. And that perpetuates your guilt.

 

Get out there and be yourself. That's the first step in letting go of your guilt - not hiding in shame.

[awkward]

There are going to be people than snub you and that say rude remarks to you. You need to develop coping strategies for those situations. What will you do? How will you respond if at all? Think about some worst case scenarios and figure out how you would want to handle them. You can't change others peoples actions but you can be prepared for how you will respond. Hiding and beating yourself up emotionally is the worst thing you can do.

 

How is it that he can only face the public without you and you can't face them at all? Is the public more forgiving of him or are you speaking about his friends/family? How is his relationship with his BS and children?