mustangsally Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 I'm facing a dilemma. My ex and I broke up around 14 months ago. I really loved him and he loved me, but it just wasn't the right time. We were both going through some serious personal problems and it just wasn't right to stay together. He moved for a period of time away from where we both lived together while I was there during the break-up. A friend of mine died and my ex was kind of rude about it. I carried this anger toward him for a long period of time. He tried to contact me a lot, but I wouldn't reply. Eventualy, I cut him out of my life. At this point, we were still not in the same city and I had no plans to ever move back there. I lived in another country for a while, and while I was there, I felt like I could forgive him. We had a long talk over the phone and it felt really nice to talk to him and I let him know that I am moving back to the city, which as a surprise to both of us. I was suppose to go up and visit where he lives now, but I ended up getting sick and having to stay home. Now I'm moving back to where he lives. When I had no contact with him, it was easier, to be honest. I didn't think about him. And now that contact has been initiated, it is like the flood gates opened and I'm feelig very emotional. For a while we were both sort of seeing other people, so it didn't really matter to me if I moved up there or not. I'm not sure if he's seeing anyone (his facebook says single) and the guy I was seeing, it didn't work out with. The issue is this. He is very wishy-washy with communication. Sometimes he'll call me or text me, other times I'll text him or call him and he won't even reply, like I had never done it. Sometimes he will respond very quickly, other times, he takes days or never responds at all. Or he'll just intiate conversation with me from thin air. And it bothers the crap out of me. It makes me feel like I'm not respected and he can just come and go as he pleases. We've made plans to meet up when I get back to the city, but I just feel myself getting so vulnerable around him. All of these old feelings are being stirred up and I hate it. I'm not sure what I want out of him, but I know I don't want to feel like I'm taken for granted. Sometimes I want to get back with him, but that's sort of jumping the gun since we haven't really hung out in over a year. Should I just cut him out pre-emptively to avoid the risk of getting hurt? See him and tell him I can't have a friend behave this way? Do nothing? What do I do?
You'reasian Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 The issue is this. He is very wishy-washy with communication. Sometimes he'll call me or text me, other times I'll text him or call him and he won't even reply, like I had never done it. Sometimes he will respond very quickly, other times, he takes days or never responds at all. Or he'll just intiate conversation with me from thin air. And it bothers the crap out of me. It makes me feel like I'm not respected and he can just come and go as he pleases. We've made plans to meet up when I get back to the city, but I just feel myself getting so vulnerable around him. All of these old feelings are being stirred up and I hate it. I'm not sure what I want out of him, but I know I don't want to feel like I'm taken for granted. Sometimes I want to get back with him, but that's sort of jumping the gun since we haven't really hung out in over a year. Should I just cut him out pre-emptively to avoid the risk of getting hurt? See him and tell him I can't have a friend behave this way? Do nothing? What do I do? He could be busy. Tell him you want to talk to him and you need to be able to talk to him. Organize times for the two of you to talk.
Author mustangsally Posted February 20, 2010 Author Posted February 20, 2010 We already have plans to see one another, however he has done this flaky thing before....right after we broke up he did it. I tend to think it's a defense mechanism on his part, but it's still awfully annoying and semi-hurtful.
You'reasian Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 We already have plans to see one another, however he has done this flaky thing before....right after we broke up he did it. I tend to think it's a defense mechanism on his part, but it's still awfully annoying and semi-hurtful. Face to face. Heck, go to his place. Knock on his door - I'm sure he'd respond well.
Author mustangsally Posted February 20, 2010 Author Posted February 20, 2010 lol not sure if you're joking or not....
Boundary Problem Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 it's a defense mechanism on his part, but it's still awfully annoying and semi-hurtful. yes. Of course I try to keep communicating because I'm trying to express myself. It is hard to stop talking, when there is still something to say. But people are complex. The problem is that listening is only step one. Follow-through with actions is step two.
Author mustangsally Posted February 20, 2010 Author Posted February 20, 2010 What I mean to say is that the communication goes in and out. He'll want to contact me a ton sometimes and then sometimes he acts like he's bothered if I contact him. It's like he has to be in total control of the situation.
VBH Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 The main issue here is personal boundaries. You are going to need to tell this person what you need and be true to yourself. If you don't want someone coming and going from your life, then it is up to you to not let that happen. You have control over what you will and will not find acceptable behavior. Yes, it is hurtful and disrespectful from someone if they do this to you, but on the other hand, it is up to you to let them know it has to stop or they need to walk. It does seem difficult to tell someone what the criteria is to being in your life (mind you these should not be ultimatums, but rather boundary criteria for communication), however if you do not, this cycle could continue indefinitely. You do risk this person not being in agreement with you, but if they cannot work this out with you or respect your feelings, then do you want them in your life anyway?????? Remember, we teach others how to treat us, so hopefully you realize you have way more control than you thought you had. Good luck, VBH
Author mustangsally Posted February 20, 2010 Author Posted February 20, 2010 Thanks guys. I just don't understand why someone would be like "I can't wait to get together with you! It'll be so nice to see you!" and then not respond to texts, but expect ME to jump 10 feet in the air when he does it.
VBH Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 1. ego boost 2. because you let him Stop jumping 10 feet in the air...then we'll see what happens. If nothing changes for the better, you wouldn't want this person anyway. You deserve much better:) VBH
Author mustangsally Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 Should I just cut him off then?
VBH Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 I don't know what your answer is...only you know this. You might try taking a step back and seeing how he reacts. Then decide what you want and expect from a relationship and make that clear if you wish to stop the yo-yo routine. If he doesn't get it then, it may be best to totally back off. I am just giving some suggestions here....only you can decide what you should do. VBH
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