Getting_stronger Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Hi Never done this before - so please be gentle. I am married and have very strong feelings for a married man I have met. It was a mistake and both of us realise this. It has been going on for about a year. The guilt has got to us both and we accept that it has to end. He would like to remain friends and have lunch etc on occasion. I have tried this but its very hard for me- I keep looking at my phone to see if he has texted, wondering why he hasnt, etc. So... I recognise that NC is my only option. But how? I will miss him so much. Please be gentle in your advice- I realise that I have done wrong- I just need advice on how to right it. Many thanks
richardcruz Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 (edited) If you feel guilty than why would the hurt from NC even be a question. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to throw you under the bus here, it's just that it sounds like the true question here is whether you should be in your marriage in the first place. Obviously, start clearing some of this mess up first by releasing this other guy from your life. Don't call, text. and definetly don't have lunch with him. Don't worry about how HE'S going to re-assimilate into his monagomous relationship with his wife. Each of you dug your own holes so each of you need to climb out on your own. You two were in a sense together in your affair but both of your situations are independent. You need to just worry about yours. I guess I'm really adament about this point because one of you can keep on dragging the other down. He might not be as commiting to fixing his marraige as you may be and will keep calling you and bringing you back into this mess. This is why you need to worry about yourself from here on out and cease the "WE" talk. Stick to NC and then maybe take time to yourself to think about what you want in life. NC is always going to be hard regardless of the situation. We've spent a portion of our lives with these people and therefore have created bonds with them. Spend time with your loved ones, and I would suggest taking time away from your significant other to figure out what it is that you want to do. I'ts not about what you husband wants, or what this other guy wants, it really comes down to what you want. The thing is that you want to figure out your priorities while at the same time being fair to those around you. It's definetly not fair to do this to your husband while he's under the impression that you are there emotionally with him. Stick to NC. Post here when you feel weak. Take time to figure out what you want. Edited February 20, 2010 by richardcruz
pureinheart Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Hi Never done this before - so please be gentle. I am married and have very strong feelings for a married man I have met. It was a mistake and both of us realise this. It has been going on for about a year. The guilt has got to us both and we accept that it has to end. He would like to remain friends and have lunch etc on occasion. I have tried this but its very hard for me- I keep looking at my phone to see if he has texted, wondering why he hasnt, etc. So... I recognise that NC is my only option. But how? I will miss him so much. Please be gentle in your advice- I realise that I have done wrong- I just need advice on how to right it. Many thanks Welcome...and sorry the circumstances aren't better for a welcome...well most of the work is done already actually (bold)...now change your mind...the mind is where everything originates. Soooo: *Make a choice concerning NC *Make a choice to not think about him *Everytime he comes to mind, put that thought down, as you have already chosen not to think about him *Take it one day at a time, and when it is bad, one minute at a time You can do this...I am doing it right now, and so are many others. Ok, facts ...right now there is no future, you are M and he is too...no future, no reason. The only time he should even be considered is if you D and so does he, then it would even be suggested for both to have time after the D...some don't need this though. Right now NC is your only choice imo... Hey you are in my thoughts and prayers! Please keep posting and update....k....(((((hugs)))))
CaliGuy Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 If you're feeling that guilty (and you should), have you both decided to tell your spouses? I think it's only fair they know so they can decide if they want to end the marriages or continue. I mean, wouldn't you want to know if you were in their shoes? Wouldn't you want the option of walking away from someone who has proven they don't really love you the same way? I sure would.
jerrytodd Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Hi Never done this before - so please be gentle. I am married and have very strong feelings for a married man I have met. It was a mistake and both of us realise this. It has been going on for about a year. The guilt has got to us both and we accept that it has to end. He would like to remain friends and have lunch etc on occasion. I have tried this but its very hard for me- I keep looking at my phone to see if he has texted, wondering why he hasnt, etc. So... I recognise that NC is my only option. But how? I will miss him so much. Please be gentle in your advice- I realise that I have done wrong- I just need advice on how to right it. Many thanks I wont be too judgemental since I am leaving an affair based relationship. But NC is it for both the ending of the temptation to go backwards and also to erase the pain you and he may be feeling. It also allows you to take a good look at yourself. And dont beat yourself up too badly. It happens to good people too.
Author Getting_stronger Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Thank you. My husband and I have had many many terrible times. He knows about what I have done (I told him). Our future is unclear and has been for several years. I have never strayed before. I have learnt from my mistake. Big time.
TaraMaiden Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Thank you. My husband and I have had many many terrible times. He knows about what I have done (I told him). Our future is unclear and has been for several years. I have never strayed before. I have learnt from my mistake. Big time. It doesn't sound as if 'straying' is the big mistake here. It sounds as if the marriage is. If your marriage is built on such shaky, unstable and troubled foundations, I think the question you should be asking, is not 'how do I end my EA', but 'how do I end my marriage?' Why are you guys still together? What's keeping this thing going? What fulfilment do you get from it? How are you nourished and developed by it? What's your pay-off, for remaining? Why does it outweigh leaving? What is your end-game?
pureinheart Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 It doesn't sound as if 'straying' is the big mistake here. It sounds as if the marriage is. If your marriage is built on such shaky, unstable and troubled foundations, I think the question you should be asking, is not 'how do I end my EA', but 'how do I end my marriage?' Why are you guys still together? What's keeping this thing going? What fulfilment do you get from it? How are you nourished and developed by it? What's your pay-off, for remaining? Why does it outweigh leaving? What is your end-game? Wow Tara, great response!
Author Getting_stronger Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Yeah you know me so well Scorp. Thanks for the insight. Having fun? Im an easy target I guess. Knock yourself out.
Author Getting_stronger Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Wow Tara, great response! Thanks Tara. We have had so much counselling. Your questions were amazing as far as having a lightbulb moment. My H and I gave up on counselling a long time ago, We worked through it, and have both done some terrible things (mine was this wretched affair). I developed feelings for someone who initially lied to me but I convinced myself he was a good person!!! He ultimately treated me badly. I feel lower than low. I am hurt. I was wrong. I have confessed and I am determined to grow. No doubt I deserved what I got- I recognise that. But I think my future looks better- my husband is still beside me- and we will work through it.
GrayClouds Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Thanks Tara. We have had so much counselling. Your questions were amazing as far as having a lightbulb moment. My H and I gave up on counselling a long time ago, We worked through it, and have both done some terrible things (mine was this wretched affair). I developed feelings for someone who initially lied to me but I convinced myself he was a good person!!! He ultimately treated me badly. I feel lower than low. I am hurt. I was wrong. I have confessed and I am determined to grow. No doubt I deserved what I got- I recognise that. But I think my future looks better- my husband is still beside me- and we will work through it. If you do feel lower then low, the idea of spending any more energy with this other guy should be completely distasteful. He should be the symbol of your worst self but it seem he still is a symbol of something likable. I suggest you personally enter counseling to understand why you would the behaviors that you did. What lead up to your decision making and understand why you choose behavior that you feel was poor rather then a healthier path. I think working on yourself, along with your marriage, finding ways to find confirmation of your worth through yourself rather then externally will not only strengthen yourself but your marriage if it continues.
ladydesigner Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Give me strength to end an affair Hi Never done this before - so please be gentle. I am married and have very strong feelings for a married man I have met. It was a mistake and both of us realise this. It has been going on for about a year. The guilt has got to us both and we accept that it has to end. He would like to remain friends and have lunch etc on occasion. I have tried this but its very hard for me- I keep looking at my phone to see if he has texted, wondering why he hasnt, etc. So... I recognise that NC is my only option. But how? I will miss him so much. Please be gentle in your advice- I realise that I have done wrong- I just need advice on how to right it. Many thanks Getting_stronger unfortunately there is not any easy way to end this. Just be happy your MOM didn't end things with you and then throw you under the bus like many do. If you end it then it will be on your terms, it will be your power to take back yourself. Just send a letter to him stating that you have to end it. That you both have agreed it was a mistake and that you can't be friends because it just would not be possible right now in your healing. Then request the NC and that you will also be adhering to it. Yes you will miss him. I missed my XOM for a whole year that he kept in contact as just "friends" and it was brutal on me. I finally went NC 7 months ago and I have been able to heal myself and get my self esteem and my marriage back on track. Keep posting on LS. Every time you feel weak post, but do not contact him. Good luck and hang in there we all make mistakes. Affairs happen and some understand and some don't. I have walked in your shoes and it is not any easy road, but you will get through this.
Author Getting_stronger Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Im having a weak moment! Or had. I havent broken at all but its hard huh. This will get better right?
jerrytodd Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Im having a weak moment! Or had. I havent broken at all but its hard huh. This will get better right? Its brutal, hang in. Having an awful day myself, worked out at the gym and I set myself up for some really NSA stuff to help move on and all it did was remind me that I really dont like NSA for myself and the fact she does (deep in her heart she doesnt and I have seen it) makes me really, really sad. Just want to cry and scream that this is such a stupid situation for us to be in. But I will stay NC but in the 30+ days since we broke up and the 20+ days we have been NC I have never, ever been more compelled to write an email.
Author Getting_stronger Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 Has she gone NC on you as well. I find that the hardest thing. What are they thinking? Are they glad its finished? etc
jerrytodd Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 (edited) Has she gone NC on you as well. I find that the hardest thing. What are they thinking? Are they glad its finished? etc We still work together and have to see each other every day so it is essentially work discussion only. I dont know what to think about the personal side, I know she wants to be friends but I simply cannot be that. It would be so insincere for me to try to be friends while she is dating someone else. Interestingly she does seem to be interested in me personally - she is going through some of my emails and I can see it on Outlook. I think the NC is creating a sense of mystery about me since I am fairly open normally. When I came back from the Olympics I shut her out of describing my trip which I know hurt. She sent me an email about the luge athletes death while I was in Whistler watching luge, hoping me and my family were OK - on Valentines Day. I read it and went backwards - WTF was that about??????? And yes, she is glad it is finished and she told me as much. In the first couple of days after the breakup we were still talking and she told me she was relieved it was over - that was what occupied her evenings as opposed to talking to me. That was tough to hear. Thanks for listening!! I appreciate it. I just want her to leave the company and never be part of my life agin. Edited February 28, 2010 by jerrytodd
jerrytodd Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Biiiiiiig HUG And you, how are you coping today? Mine was a 4/10. Bad sleep.
Author Getting_stronger Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 And you, how are you coping today? Mine was a 4/10. Bad sleep. Im starting a new thread about my day- Id love your view,
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