Mathias93 Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 I am feeling so unbelievably hurt and empty right now. My birthday is in two days (the big 3-0)and I am still clinging to the hope that someday, Leigh will return to me. I pray that she will call me or send me a card for my birthday. It has been 5 days since I saw her and hugged her. I think I might have blown it talking to her for 2 hours on New Year's Eve. I did not get mad or jealous when she said that she was seeing her ex boyfriend, rather, I didn't let her see it. She told me that "it felt as if she and her ex picked up where they left off" and that "if you and I were ever to get back together, it would be the same because you really already know the person." I told her that I was pleased that she has found such solid support and said that they sounded like a great match. For some reason she seemed upset by that statement. When I suggested getting together to grab some food she started to cry and said that she would not want to fall apart at a restaurant because all she would do is sit and cry. I am starting with a new therapist because I feel like I am not progressing very well in the fact that I vacillate between telling myself to keep hope and faith alive and she will come back and trying to convince myself that I am happy that she has found comfort in her ex boyfriend. I am trying to be so angry with her to protect myself, but in the end, the only thing I will accomplish is to burn myself out. I am a ridiculously loyal person and it is very hard for me to give up even though I have strong indications that she may never return or contact me again. The whole saga can be seen in my previous posts. Did I blow it by letting her know that I cared and missed her? I am hoping and praying that this thing with her ex plays itself out and I will have my stuff together and we can have a real chance with her 100% in it and me 100% together. I know some of you hard asses out there might make fun of me for this but I wrote a poem to try and make some sense of this. It is amazing how a 6-4 220 pound former college hockey player got his emotional *beep* kicked by a 5-5 110 pound woman! Seriously, any further advice at this point is always needed and very much appreciated. Just because, I am going to post what I wrote. Can any one relate? One Wish I'd gladly give my everything, to simply hear you say something. Afraid to walk alone into places we once shared in fear that every corner of the room now acknowledges my loss. My heart clinging stubbornly and unwavering to a road that is familiar and expected. Thoughts desperately trying to free themselves towards uncertainty, from intrusion of our memories, from the burdens of sorrow and loss. Wishful that the hope, love, and faith sharing space with the pain and bitterness will one day finally overcome. Tears shed in isolation can never truly convey to you disillusionment dancing with betrayal. Letters you wrote promising me "forever" and "always" now litter my table and my dreams. They are seldom read, there is no need or purpose, the words repeat in a steady cadence during my waking hours and drive me from the temporary protection of sleep. Will you ever know the purity of my intentions and sincerity of my effort in true changes? In my heart of hearts, I live to hear that in your thoughts we are meant to be and some secret part deep within you always knew it. The struggle would end by the clarity that comes with meeting our heart's longing. A love lost, the fight of my life. Waking once again next to you. Our love regained, defended, and recognized for a lifetime. _________________ "It is better to keep your mouth closed an be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -Abraham Lincoln
dreamloverJ921 Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 Im sorry to hear about your situation.. nobody deserves to hurt like that.. Dont you wish that the people we loved and cared about would love us back the same? It can happen. Its hard being without her bc its all new. But ask yourself? does she see a future with you? or were u there just to occupy time? I hope things work out.. At times like this, they say "follow your heart". Your heart is torn so use your head and think! Only you can make your own decisions. If that makes sense.. but best of luck to you.
GoldfingerCymru Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 Mathias, I really feel for you, as most of us here are going through the same thing. Unfortunately, it seems her other ex is one of the people we all wish we were - seeing the return of someone we love. I know you don't want to hear that, but he is obviously one of the lucky ones. How long was she with him? and how long were you together with her ? I wish I could be brave for you and say move on and stuff, but we all have our own grieving period and some can be longer than others. On the bright side - he may not have changed at all. I am not giving you false hope, but if he hasn't then show her you can.
The Burning Man Posted January 10, 2004 Posted January 10, 2004 Mathias, I can relate to most of the things you said. Only that in my break-up, I am the one who broke up. I understand the feeling of coming back to my room and seeing her presence everywhere (and we were not even living together). I cannot listen to some music, because we used to listen to that music together. I long for her calls and her letters. Your gf is confused. You did the right thing by being honest with her about your feelings - that is the way you are. You have done the best buddy - now the hard part is to try and move on. Don't just sit there next to the mailbox or the phone in anticipation. If I were you I would consider the chapter closed. This way, if she came back it is a pleasant surprise, but atleast you would not be hurting and waiting.
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