He ended our relationship but he's still calling me every 2-3 days

[soleharmony1123]

WARNING: This is rather long.

 

Hello everyone, I'm new to these discussion forums. I need some advice.

 

My ex ended our relationship back in January. The reason or the blanket reason was he "needed space, he's unhappy although he still loves me and I will always be his best friend." I'm working on No Contact and had been pretty successful; but he's still been calling. Sometimes, because I've known this man since we were kids, I answer the phone in case something is really bothering him (yes, that translates to "hoping maybe there's a slim chance he's had a change of heart"). Anyway, this week, I've been getting the usual phone calls. On Wednesday morning, he called on the house phone and my cellphone trying to reach me. I didn't answer so he left several messages. I finally called him back when he asked me to "please return my call when you get this message, I want to talk to you." Reasoning on the matter would have reminded me he says that every time he leaves a message for me. Anyway, I called. He proceeds with small-talk. "How are you and the kids?" "I've been trying to call you because I haven't talked to you in 2 or 3 days, why haven't you called me?" I responded that I was returning his call, nothing more.

 

To condense this as much as possible, he asked me what my financial situation was and told me he had a "few hundred dollars" he wanted to give me if I needed it. What?!!! If I needed it?!! This man knows I have 3 teenagers and that I'm not working. He's calling me to "ASK" me if I need money? I was furious. I told him no and that I would be fine.

 

I've been unemployed for about 7 months now and had to file for an extension of unemployment benefits on Sunday (online). I got the paperwork in the mail yesterday that I'm eligible for the extension and can resume submitting my claims. The monies will most likely be tied up for about 2 weeks, I'm carefully assuming. I really didn't want to call my ex and ask for the money because I've never felt good about accepting money from a man, even though I've known my ex all my life practically and we were in a relationship these past 3 years or at least I was. (Yes, my logic is twisted about money and I'm working on that).

 

Fast-forward to this morning: I texted him and told him that "after careful thought, I need the money he offered on Wednesday, if he still has it." I had barely removed my fingertips from the "send" button...and it was him on the phone (really -- that fast). He said "you know I'm really upset with you right now" "I asked you if you needed the money and you said no, so I put the money on a trip to Atlantic City." Just upon hearing that, my emotions got the best of me - I know I should've just taken a deep breath or just asked him to hold on a minute, but I didn't - instead, I lost my cool and said I couldn't believe he would call and ASK me if I need any money knowing I'm not working! Instead of just sending the money to me anyway, he just nonchalantly goes and puts it on a trip to Atlantic City (most likely taking another woman) but I didn't mention that - just thought it to myself. Then I said "enjoy your trip to Atlantic City! and hung up the phone. He called me back - I let it go to voice mail - his message was "Sole, you know I don't like it when you hang up on me...I was trying to tell you that I think I might be able to get the money back...(a long pause)...call me back when you calm down so we can talk." When I called back he says you know you're making me feel real bad." I explained that wasn't my intention but I decided I needed the money and had no idea he no longer had it. I was really beginning to feel nauseated over the whole thing. I wished I hadn't texted him to ask for the money since that's just not my style. But it also wasn't "my style" to be there for this man through some really tough times these past 3 years because of a situation he was in...a man I thought really loved me only to have him dump me so he can explore what he thinks are greener pastures. It was wrong for me to hang up the phone like that - an emotional thing - but at the hurt & disappointment of knowing he's planning a trip to NJ with someone else (possibly) - it was too much for me.

 

When he asked me about the money, I didn't want it because we are not together anymore and he didn't come through for me the one time I really needed him to and he had promised me he would. Instead within days of my crisis, he broke up with me, told me he needed space, that he was stressed. Thing was I didn't ask for his help - he OFFERED and I knew that it wasn't really feasible for him to try to help me at the time. He got upset with me because I wanted to talk to my female friends for moral support & brainstorming rather than "weighing" him down with things he couldn't handle." Instead, as I mentioned, he broke up with me a few days after.

 

I must say, my self-esteem has really taken a big hit behind this breakup...especially with him calling me. I've been reading a fantastic e-book called "Calling Men." It's great and an ego-booster, but it doesn't address the dynamics involving my situation.

 

He had been calling me since Monday morning leaving messages that he wanted to talk to me. He never said "Sole, call me it's important" as someone would if they had money to give to someone. So, I believe the money thing might have been a ploy. What do you think? Was I wrong for asking for the money? Please be honest in answering this.

 

I would also like to ask the men here what is their take on this...specifically, why is he calling me so much if he doesn't want me anymore? He calls every 2-3 days, 3-4 times throughout the day even though I don't answer the phone. He leaves messages saying "Sole, I haven't talked to you in a few days, call me when you get this message, I wanna talk to you. I love you." Then at times, the messages sound so impersonal, he'll say "Sole, call me when you get this. Bye." Sometimes I'm Sole and sometimes I'm "Baby" even though he is the one who broke up with me. I don't want to sound dingy asking what does all this mean? But I know there's some kind of quirky dynamics behind it, even if he's just trying to get inside my head. If I'm intent on No Contact and am letting his calls go into voicemail, why does he keep calling? And why would he even begin to think I'd still be calling him after he said he basically said he doesn't want the relationship. I ain't ABOUT to be demoted to best friend - no matter how strong our history or bond was. The other beautiful dynamic is that he calls faithfully throughout the regular week, but no calls on Friday nights then usually he calls in the morning or in the afternoon. Then on Saturday, I'll get a call.

 

Also, a few weeks ago, I called him in a moment of weakness because I wanted to hear his voice (yeah, I know - a BIG mistake) -his response was "oh yeah, well there's nothing wrong with that. I gave myself little tiny virtual "stabs" all over LOL!!! I regretted what I'd done. Anyway, about 15 minutes later, he called me back and said "Sole, something is bothering me..you said you called because you wanted to hear my voice, but you sounded more like you needed to talk to me...do we need to talk?" I told him "no, everything is fine, I'm sorry about that slip-up, I should've had my emotions in check and not taken any action. He said, "since when are we unable to talk to each other when something is bothering us?" I wanted to respond "since you decided to end our relationship." Instead, I just told him I was on my way out to go see my grandchildren and I quickly wrapped up the call.

 

Any constructive input is greatly appreciated.

 

-Soleharmony

Edited February 20, 2010 by soleharmony1123

[BootsElectric]

Sounds like he's checking in to basically assert his control over you, making you miss him. Offering the money, and you being indebtted to him is just another form of control. He maybe even checking you don't have another man in your life.

 

As a man, I must say, this guy sounds like a real scumbag. His place in your life seems very toxic now, this is one case total and complete NC is the way to go. Stop taking his calls, either just let them go to voicemail, or if he persists, I would have his number blocked.

[soleharmony1123]

Bootselectric, thanks for your response.

 

The money wasn't an exertion of control...it's money he's indebted to ME for. I know it might seem I'm taking up for him, but he's not a scumbag.

I would have a problem accepting money from him whether it's owed to me or not. It's complicated. But I do agree with you that his phone calls might be a form of control.

 

The time I'd decide to block his calls would be the time something would happen and he'd really need to contact me. I do have his number labeled as HEARTACHE WAITIN' TO HAPPEN, so I easily ignore his calls.