Perspectives, Input, and Case Studies on Relational issues.

[DolceVenganza]

I don't know how some men do it. Perhaps I expect more than is possible in a relationship or things are just that whacked out in relationships that it boggles my mind why anyone would be committed these days. I have a few different relationships swirling around my life that from my perspective are broken, unhappy, and confining:

 

1. 20 y.o cousin, 19 y.o. His girlfriend recently through down the Ultimatum: "If we don't get a place together, I am moving to california." He bent and is moving out in March. He is still in school full-time and works full-time. The girl hasn't had a steady job nor stayed in school quite long. He makes only $1200 a month, or $300/week and we live in New England. His rent part, assuming she consistently pays, is $475/month, counting nothing else. She comes from a very broken home, a mother that has father 5 children from 3 different marriages, and a family that believes in pushing their young out at 18. She has no close relationships besides my cousin and little to no friends. Her daily diet consists of finding work through my cousin's father's temp agency and posting on FB how 'she wants to move WEST.'

 

My take: My brother and I did said we didn't agree with the idea. We told him to stay put, let her decide her life, save money, and in a few years when school is done, THEN move out, and buy a place. New England is very expensive to live on your own at such a young age, ESPECIALLY when you're juggling school and a crap job making 8-10/ hour. He will have zero freedom of money. He had no problems living at home either. This is purely "to take the relationship to the next leve" as he put it. Our opinion was that he wanted to 'make her happy' and pacify her. I didn't push or force my opinion on him, I just said he would inevitably PICK his course of action, regardless. He did.

 

2. My buddy = 30, his wife = 27. They just wed. This is his Second marriage. He divorced in 2007 and shortly thereafter found this girl. Great woman, Physician's Assistant, making great money and actually taking care of the household. However, he confides in me that sex has declined already, that she doesn't give bjs, still expects flowers, and basically has him locked down 24/7. He doesn't make plans with friends UNLESS there's left over time otherwise. They have no kids and won't for a few years until they are more financially stable since they both have Student loans.

 

My Take: I still don't get how guys lock themselves down so young in apparently manipulative situations. He gets no bjs' because she gets no flowers?? Flowers = money! Bj's don't! He also told me that she does not prefer him to go down on her because of incidents in her childhood, which I'm assuming were bad boyfriends or molestation. She's a sweet girl, but by default, he no longer has boundaries. I suppose I don't agree with it. It's to the point that rather than making plans, he asks permissions and defaults to that. It sounds like he placed himself into indentured servitude.

 

3. My friend = 30, his wife = 29. They have been married in an apparently loveless marriage for awhile. She's obese, depressed, and a stay at home mother. She never cleans. He makes 6 figs and it is growing all the time. They have a wonderful and a daughter. He has already cheated. They have been seeing a MC for awhile, but the fact I know is on the DL. She's sweet, but anytime anyone visits, she'd like people to play her games, then she gets sick or goes to bed. He comments on his lack of happiness and behind the scenes it sounds like things are terrible and that whatever people see is just to save face.

 

My take: My buddy met his wife in AA. He's a great guy really. Heavy pot smoker, very resourceful, funny as hell, admittedly has depression or some other psychosis, and has cheated on his wife with hookers and various women. He's unhappy, but other people take it as he's happy, since when we are around them as a couple, they appear lovey dovey. But when alone, he retreats to his basement to smoke and goof off and she retreats into her harlequin novels. A friend tried to get her to the gym to lose weight, but the cycle repeats itself and she'll eat pints of ice cream at a sitting.

 

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The pressure at my age of 30 to get married is astounding. Women may feel it biologically, but that is no match for what men come to realize socially. Financially and legally, the odds are against men. Most men grow-up knowing they will work and provide, but the same cannot be said for women.

 

I have worked since I was 8, doing yards and landscaping. It wasn't until 12 that I began a w-2 worker at a driving range and have worked, even through college, ever since. I believe in carrying my weight, but all around me I see women NOT doing the same.

 

If you are not going to work or pull your share, then you must provide for in some other way. Most women find housekeeping work to be too demeaning or even a form of modern slavery, but if you are not going to work a legit job, why are you going to live off SOMEONE or the system?

 

I see all these people EXPECTING perfect lifestyles not realizing you WORK TO CREATE THEM and MAINTAIN THEM. The Knight-in-shining armor wasn't BORN or BUILT that way, nor was your ideal mean, he worked TIRELESSLY, almost since birth, to be your dream man.

 

He probably worked out a ton, developed strong work ethics at a young age, on top of proper financial management, negotiation, and critical thinking skills. Heck, I know so many girls with the most mundane of jobs who can't manage finances, drive around boston, or are willing to drive at night.

 

All the men in the aforementioned cases are VERY similar. Hard-working, genuine, good-souled men. They gave up options to be with other women or to be single and free and control their lives. Additionally, they wait at the beck and call of every woman in their life and are told 'this is love.' Is it really?

 

If it was, my cousin would say "No ultimatum on me moving out matters. I should live at home, save money, and invest for our future. We are too young for this and she needs to prove she has more value than a pretty young face."

 

My buddy's who are married need to sack up. They need to make plans when they want to. All the busy body work in the world won't matter. Being their wives slaves is no different than the wives being husbands slaves.

 

When people PRESSURE about relationships...you can't honestly tell me THESE examples are functioning or desirable relationships? These aren't the kinds of situations you people believe are GOOD relationships? As I said, maybe I'm out of my mind in how I think about such things, but I can't for the life of me see where they are NOT brainwashed.

 

-DV

[Houndsoflove]

Situation 1 seem potentially disastrous. They are young without much life experience and aren't financially stable enough to live together. Shes not yet stabilized herself and it seems that hes only beginning to build financial independence for himself. There a lot of 'what-ifs' and no plan. it could mean trouble for both of them. They should be saving but if neither of them have a choice(which she doesn't) at least they are both trying.

 

Situation 2. They seem happy in most areas of their life. As far as the lack of bjs goes, if she was molested as a child and connects those acts with feelings of shame, guilt or confusion he needs to take it upon himself to be understanding, instead of trying to coerce her into giving him a blowjob for his own pleasure. If i shared such deeply personal information to my partner only to find that he's more concerned about getting his d*ck sucked, I'd think I married the wrong man. Other than this from what you say they seem to have a mutually beneficial relationship. Nothing is always an eye for an eye or tic for tac, one bouquet of flowers for one bj. he needs to show her that he cares for her no matter what and that she'll always be safe with him.

 

Situation 3. If they met at AA they probably both have problems. If my husband were cheating on me I would probably be depressed too.. with a pint of icecream to boot. Maybe instead of focusing on having sex with other women he should do what a husband is supposed to do.. help their significant other through a hard time and try to benefit her life. but like i said if they met at AA they most likely both have hard issues to overcome.

 

 

 

You say

"I see all these people EXPECTING perfect lifestyles not realizing you WORK TO CREATE THEM and MAINTAIN THEM."

Everyone has their own individual battles to fight. From what I read they are at least trying to do so, save for the people in situation 3.

 

"All the men in the aforementioned cases are VERY similar. Hard-working, genuine, good-souled men."

A man who "cheats with hookers and various women" is a "good-souled man"? I dont think so. Neither is a man who is more concerned with getting a bj than caring for his wife. I love oral too, if I were with someone who didnt give it I may be bummed but there are other things that are important.

 

Also, I've never met a man who "worked TIRELESSLY, almost since birth to be my dream man."

'cept of course for the men in disney movies.

 

In your examples you blame the women for the problems. Maybe the husbands should take responsibility too.

You seem to have a negative opinion of commitment, loyalty and marriage. Not everyone shares your opinions and not all relationships are like those you mentioned above.