abunton10 Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 My fiance and I have a wonderful set of friends that we have been with many years, and have served as groomsman and bridesmaid in their wedding. We were there for them when she had a miscarriage, and have supported them in every aspect possible. However, the wife *Abby (name change) contacted me on Wednesday, telling me she had cheated on *John (name change) with one of his friends the night before. John works 3rd shift, and the affair occured in their house. She proceeds to rattle on about how she had a reason at the time, but didn't know what it was now. That if she could turn back time, she would not have married John. That they are better off best friends than husband and wife. So, for the last three days, I have been trying to beat it in her head that she has to tell him, that if the tables were turned she would want to know, and I'm 99% sure she will do this again, being this is the SECOND time she cheated on John, the first occuring when they were dating. There are no children, and to top it off, she's 18 and he's 20. It seems now, that she has backed me and my fiance into a corner. We believe John has a right to know, and we are fighting over the fact if we should be the ones to tell him, now that she's decided to not say anything. This is a horrible situation, and we really need some guidance on whether or not to tell him when she is not going to, or to just not say anything and let him live in a lie???? PLEASE HELP......
Samantha0905 Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Ask her not to tell you this sort of thing again as you are friends with both of them. It's a difficult spot in which to be. If it were a good friend of mine -- say one of my best girlfriends -- I would tell her if I knew without a doubt her spouse were cheating. The pickle here is they are both your friends. Abby is sharing something with you in confidence. I guarantee if you make the decision to spill the beans, she won't be your friend anymore and even her husband may have resentment over time -- it's going to make the friendship awkward to be sure. They are awfully young and she certainly is cheating early on in their marriage. It doesn't bode well. Perhaps you should encourage Abby to get counseling. I don't know what to tell you to do. You'll have to decide. Just realize it will most certainly change the dynamics of your friendship.
Author abunton10 Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Ask her not to tell you this sort of thing again as you are friends with both of them. It's a difficult spot in which to be. If it were a good friend of mine -- say one of my best girlfriends -- I would tell her if I knew without a doubt her spouse were cheating. The pickle here is they are both your friends. Abby is sharing something with you in confidence. I guarantee if you make the decision to spill the beans, she won't be your friend anymore and even her husband may have resentment over time -- it's going to make the friendship awkward to be sure. They are awfully young and she certainly is cheating early on in their marriage. It doesn't bode well. Perhaps you should encourage Abby to get counseling. I don't know what to tell you to do. You'll have to decide. Just realize it will most certainly change the dynamics of your friendship. I agree!! This is the worst spot to be!!! This is so young in their marriage, and they as people are so young. I do desperatly want to respect her confiding in me, and trusting me to be there for her. I don't want to destroy that, but I don't think I can even look her husband in the eyes at this time. It feels like I'm part of the lie and deciet, which I do NOT want to contribute to.
Samantha0905 Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 I agree!! This is the worst spot to be!!! This is so young in their marriage, and they as people are so young. I do desperatly want to respect her confiding in me, and trusting me to be there for her. I don't want to destroy that, but I don't think I can even look her husband in the eyes at this time. It feels like I'm part of the lie and deciet, which I do NOT want to contribute to. I have a good friend who cheated after being married about 15 years. She confided in me during the affair. I knew her husband and liked him a lot. I knew her AP and did not care for him at all. I kept her confidence. Later once she told her husband she had an affair, she told me he was upset with me for knowing about it and not telling him. She told him that would betray a confidence between friends. Anyway, just thought I'd share that story. They've since worked things out and are happy again. It took a year or so. He's forgiven me also.
Gabriele Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 I feel horrible for you, it must be eating you alive. I feel that you should tell her that this is tormenting you. Her behavior goes against your moral fiber and you have been put it a terrible position. Tell her that you could not look him in the eye now, and if you do......you are a part of the lie. I almost wonder if by her confiding in you (she knows how close you are with BOTH of them) maybe it was her round a bout way of starting the process of telling him. Maybe she knows this will be too much to bear in secret and will force her to tell. From a BS point of view, it is HUMILIATING to know that others new of my H actions and I did not, I hate those that did not care enough about ME to fill me in! Years ago my H cheated on me and confided in a friend (more his than mine, but both our friend) I never found out until 13years later.... I am still quite hurt that this friend also betrayed our friendship by not telling me what he knew. I know that you don't want to end the friendship, but it would not be of your doing if that is the outcome. We choose friends partly because they have the same moral beliefs as we do. Perhaps this is not the type of friend you need in your life if she can not understand your torment. I think that you should tell her that you are not willing to keep this a secret and she must tell him or you will, and that counseling should take place. That's my opinion I wish you luck Gabriele
SuburbanOblivion Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Put yourself in her husband's shoes- what you YOU want HIM to do if he found out your husband had cheated on you?
lkjh Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Just tell him so he doesn't waste any more time with someone who will just continue to cheat. She cheated because of a character flaw and she will continue to. If she really didn't love the guy she would have left him Sam, I am sure your friends H forgives you but you can pretty uch gurantee that he probably has a few ill feelings at least towards you. Even if he doesn't admit it. You let your friend use him for years. Not that its your fault and your friend should have never put you in that position but look at it from his point of view. He most likely sees you as enabler
Angel1111 Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Give your friend a date and let her know that she needs to tell her husband by then. If she hasn't told him, let her know that you and your husband will. She should've known better than to put you and your husband in this position. No matter what you and your husband do, you'll be betraying one of them. But by giving your friend a chance to tell her husband first, at least she has warning. This girl just really needs to leave her marriage and let herself grow up. She obviously doesn't want to be with her husband. Maybe this will be the thing that forces her to make that decision.
Author abunton10 Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Thank you all so much for all your support and awesome points of view. This is what I really needed to make an informed decision. After talking to my fiance, we are going to talk with her one on one tonight and lay down the facts/feelings. We do not agree with the situation, and if it costs the friendship for now, that will be her choice. Years down the road, (I can at least say) I would come to understand and forgive my friend for telling my husband, and hopefully she will do the same. I do like the idea of setting a definate timeline, and will use this and see how it works. Again, I appriciate everyones views and support in making this decision. This is a wonderful forum with very blessed offerings. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
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