steve9417 Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 I've been seeing a woman with an 8 year old son for nearly 3 months now - she's important to me but unfortunately I'm find her emotionally cold - she's very independent and makes almost no effort to contact me outside of when we meet - as an example the last 3 weekends we have met and either gone away or had an evening & afternoon together ..... I then normally within a couple of days text her to make to see how her weeks going and i always get a quick "all well but busy here" reply ....... indeed she has a busy life and of course a son to support so i expect that she has little time left over ....... but to make no time to send a quick hello / how are you i struggle with she's said she's falling in love with me but yet still she makes almost no effort to say hello other than arranging to meet late each week ....... for example this is a typical week - its friday morning and again she's not contacted me since i spent the weekend with her including sunday evening with her and her son - this is what has happened the last 2 previous weekends you could say i'm being selfish / needy but I it doesn't feel natural to have such little contact from someone i care about ................. i'll be talking to her about this but wonder if anyone else could share their insight / experience
skydiveaddict Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 She just souds like a confident, independent girl. I wouldn't let it bother you to much.
Stung Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 I would not consider this selfish or needy, simply human and honest. Getting down to brass tacks: She is either A.) Holding back and creating an artificial reserve either out of a desire to not come off as too needy/clingy to you, or as a defense mechanism out of a fear of getting hurt, B.) Just not as into you as you would like her to be (even busy single mothers can usually find time for a couple of additional texts or brief phone calls, when properly motivated, unless she has a very unusually demanding job), C.) Fundamentally incompatible with you, on an emotional level. All you can really do at this point is sit her down to try to talk calmly and ascertain which it is. If it is B or C, obviously your best bet would probably be to call it a day and move along with no hard feelings. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Tell her how you feel and let her know that it would be nice and mean alot to you if she reached out to you as well..That you feel it's onesided, you're making more effort than she is. I'm betting though it isn't intentional, and once it's pointed out to her, she'll put more effort in!
and.then.some Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Do you always wait a number of days before you contact her again via text? Why not try calling her? And more often at that. If she at least *says* she's falling in love with you, I would put in more effort to talk to her more often. If after this you don't see a change, then you might want to have a talk. Personally, I let the guy set the tone. If he's only calling once a week, I won't be calling him more than that. If he seems to call me whenever he has free time, I'm more likely to do the same. (Just remember that the amount of free time a mom has might be a little less. )
bayouboi Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Always judge a woman by her actions and never by her words. She may be telling you she's falling in love with you because it's part of some checklist of hers of things you're supposed to say. If she's not actually SHOWING you that she loves you, she probably doesn't.
Author steve9417 Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 i've been putting in more effort - i was abroad recently for 2 weeks and during that time i let her know i arrived safely - checked out how she was after a couple more days by calling her - letting her know i had arrived at another destination a few days after that and then called her again to talk to her ........ she never contacted me during those 2 weeks to check on me so i just see her as Stung has pointed out as either holding back as a defense or incompatible with me emotionally ......... the thing is that her actions seem genuine - i could be mistaken but i sense she has made room for me - her actions when we meet are she loves me but with an element of holding back ...... she has slowly made more and more room for me ......... i just feel that as i bring down my guard she has either kept her's up to protect herself from getting hurt or that she's just emotionally vacuous i do know i need to discuss it with her when we meet ....... the thing that pains me is i'm fully prepared to call it a day
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Did you make it clear she could contact you when you were abroad? Have you told her you would like to hear from her more often? If a guy has gone on a trip or I know he is working, I hesitate to contact him unless I know it won't disturb his work.
2sure Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Back when I was a single mom and dating I had more than one man explain his feelings to me the same way you have explained yours. I was surprised because my affection for them was real and true. Of course, being a parent...meant I didnt jump so fast into relationships anymore. But still, I was surprised that my priorities , my job, etc had made some think I was less interested than I was. Also just because I didnt need...didnt mean I didnt want. Its hard to make a relationship a priority when you single parent. Not until you remarry or live together and are a complete family does that really happen. You have to tell her what your needs are. They arent unusual. Give her a chance to meet them. Either she has it in her or she doesnt.
Author steve9417 Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 i was away on holiday so she wouldn't have been interrupting anything ...... indeed i never spelt out that she could call me - keeping in touch is something that feels natural if i care for someone ..... i know she had an emotionally destructive relationship some 4/5 years ago so i can only speculate she might be protecting herself Its hard to make a relationship a priority when you single parent. Not until you remarry or live together and are a complete family does that really happen. You have to tell her what your needs are. They arent unusual. Give her a chance to meet them. Either she has it in her or she doesnt. this is as i see it ....... she has priorities and today i'm just a part of them - she has many things to juggle which i understand - essentially she balances the world she had before we met and a new partner (me) who she makes time for ....... i've just been evolving to a place where i need a closer relationship after having let her in whether this relationship is just a stepping stone for her i'll only find out by being honest - i'd like it to work out and i'd make that clear before i shared my feelings (in a non threatening manner) ..... of course i'm not expecting overnight miracles nor a doting partner through one conversation ..... i'm perceptive enough to see if she has the appetite for a relationship and prepared to implement the consequences if she hasn't open honest communication defines ..... i strongly believe in that - else who are we in an otherwise complex world
stillafool Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 she's said she's falling in love with me but yet still she makes almost no effort to say hello other than arranging to meet late each week ....... When she told you this, did you tell her you were falling in love with her also? If not, this is why she is holding back.
mammax3 Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Wow, steve, I have to say, I'm going through this same thing! My 'friend' doesn't have the same need level of communication. We could go all week without communication if I didn't initiate. I think the same as you - if we like each other, why don't we just text and chat all the time? Even as a single mum I still have room for the occasional "hey, just thinking of you - wish we could talk. Looking forward to this weekend" to ensure that the connection is still there when we see each other in person. I'm eager to see some of the responses from your thread. FWIW, imagine if she approached you and asked you to not text as often - I wonder how she'd take it if you asked her to text more often? It might lead to a momentary increase, but it wouldn't feel genuine and likely wouldn't last because it's not driven by her own needs. Perhaps it would be beneficial to be patient with her while she processes the idea of getting closer to you.
Author steve9417 Posted February 20, 2010 Author Posted February 20, 2010 When she told you this, did you tell her you were falling in love with her also? If not, this is why she is holding back. i told her straight away that i was as well i think shes just very independent and ok with almost no interaction between meeting (she has after all learnt to be self sufficient as a single mum) ..... unfortunately for me i've different needs ...... this might sound callous (but then i am hurt by this episode), she can either reach out a bit more or we both go onto find more suitable partners i'll talk to her later today about it
stillafool Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 Yeah I am her type also. I could be truly in love with someone and they never hear from me. Good thing my h married me so we see each other every day. I think you need to talk to her about how you feel and what you need. She probably thinks you like her this way. I always assumed that guys would like the fact that I was independent because I thought most men considered us girls "needy". However, I was always surprised when they either broke up or "acted out" because they felt I was never around for them. If they had just told me they needed more I would have given it. I think you need to tell her.
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