Its been 7 months, how to forget?

[eddie_d_2000]

Ok, I have posted on here in the past, its been 7 months since I found out about the affair and I have had my ups and downs with it. My wife who had the affair has had some contact with the guy, she went behind my back and got a pay as you go phone and I found that out and she stopped that, then we went for a while and things were good and then he just started calling her out of the blue and I had to put a stop to that.

 

I found a IM client called Palringo so I set up a bogus user on there and had a conversation with her on there and she said that she thought she had lost her soul mate which I thought she was talking about this guy she had a long distance affair with but it turns out it was some other guy. I think she has a problem really with just chatting with men online and flirting with them. She has only acted on it once by traveling across the country on what I thought was a business trip and turned out to be a one night stand.

 

After the Palringo conversation I had had enough, it was either start the divorce proceedings or expose her. Since we have two little ones I decided I would give it another chance and expose her so I went to her parents and that has turned out to be the potential marriage saver. Her Mom is trying to keep her busy now and she is staying off the computer a lot more now, which was her biggest problem, she is a stay at home mom who can't get off the computer, I can't get her to clean anything, and usually if I want supper for the family i have to get home from working 9 hrs and cook for everybody, pretty sad if you ask me. But I think now that everything is out in the open that we are going to be able to work this out.

 

My question for you guys is this, how or what can I do to try to not be so suspicious of her and not check up on her all the time? I am thinking its really just up to time in the long run, and I would have been a lot better if she hadn't had the contact with the guy anymore. I do believe she really does love me, she told me the other day that she has been a horrible mother and wife and she was sorry. She is taking a trip to Las Vegas next month and I am going because I told her if she went alone it was over and this trip was so important to her, but she is ok with me going, no problems with it at all. All I really need to figure out is how to not worry about it so much, maybe individual counseling is what I need, I don't know.

[SleepingDog]

In my experience you never ever will be. After 10 years I still have my wife's email password. Years have gone by without me looking at it, but sometime some urge will drive me to read through them again. On the other hand, I am not really bothered about her having work email I can;t read, and am not putting keylog software on her work computer, so I suppose a level of trust has been reestablished.

[eddie_d_2000]

Yeah, I just want to get to the point of just having an urge to check up. I guess I just need to resist the urges to constantly log in and look at the phone logs or emails.

 

A question I got for you sleeping is what would you do if she started conversations with a guy all over again? I know a lot of folks on here told me to just end it and the more I look at that, trying to put myself on the other side of a divorce with having to juggle kids between parents and then introducing step mothers and fathers and all that comes with that it would just seem and all the marriage counselors would agree that trying to work it out would be the best option. I have been trying that option for the past 7 months and its tough no doubt. Its hard cause every little thing she does I scrutinize and watch like a hawk and she hates that of course and said she doesn't want to live under a dictatorship, but yet she does still stick around me.

Edited February 19, 2010 by eddie_d_2000

[MizFit]

Yeah, I just want to get to the point of just having an urge to check up. I guess I just need to resist the urges to constantly log in and look at the phone logs or emails.

 

A question I got for you sleeping is what would you do if she started conversations with a guy all over again? I know a lot of folks on here told me to just end it and the more I look at that, trying to put myself on the other side of a divorce with having to juggle kids between parents and then introducing step mothers and fathers and all that comes with that it would just seem and all the marriage counselors would agree that trying to work it out would be the best option. I have been trying that option for the past 7 months and its tough no doubt. Its hard cause every little thing she does I scrutinize and watch like a hawk and she hates that of course and said she doesn't want to live under a dictatorship, but yet she does still stick around me.

 

Why would it be the best option to work it out and spend your life wondering? I'd much prefer working on juggling the kids...I couldn't live where I didn't trust the person I was with. My ex H and I were done the minute I knew he'd had an A. Some people can live with it and build something, but from what I can tell it takes a truly repentent partner...you don't have that. Her actions are shouting at you.

[phineas]

my wife was home days & worked nights.

I learned she was spending her days on the computer with her boyfriend & litterally letting my little one sit in an overflowing diaper.

 

She was usually late dropping the kids off at my parents for babysitting.

The kids still in pajama's & with dirty diapers.

 

computer log showed she was chatting online on her late days when she should of been in the car.

 

Multiple times I confronted her with proof I knew she was talking to someone else.

I had key logger proof since she was using MY laptop to do it.

 

every time she lied & said it was over but she just got better at hideing it.

 

I got two little ones.

Guess what?

Their lives are better since seperation.

They don't have to see their parents constantly argueing about their mother's cheating & lieing.

 

I realized I could never trust her again & almost a yr later I am happier than i can remember being in a long time & other people notice it.

[eddie_d_2000]

my wife was home days & worked nights.

I learned she was spending her days on the computer with her boyfriend & litterally letting my little one sit in an overflowing diaper.

 

She was usually late dropping the kids off at my parents for babysitting.

The kids still in pajama's & with dirty diapers.

 

computer log showed she was chatting online on her late days when she should of been in the car.

 

Multiple times I confronted her with proof I knew she was talking to someone else.

I had key logger proof since she was using MY laptop to do it.

 

every time she lied & said it was over but she just got better at hideing it.

 

I got two little ones.

Guess what?

Their lives are better since seperation.

They don't have to see their parents constantly argueing about their mother's cheating & lieing.

 

I realized I could never trust her again & almost a yr later I am happier than i can remember being in a long time & other people notice it.

 

 

Thats tough man, its definitely the toughest thing I have gone thru. We have talks every now and then and the kids know something is up cause she is crying and I will be sitting there when they come into our room. One time I had a bag packed and my son asked me where I was going and that struck me really hard, it felt horrible honestly so I thought to myself, "As long as she isn't out sleeping with men I need to try to work this out".

[MizFit]

Thats tough man, its definitely the toughest thing I have gone thru. We have talks every now and then and the kids know something is up cause she is crying and I will be sitting there when they come into our room. One time I had a bag packed and my son asked me where I was going and that struck me really hard, it felt horrible honestly so I thought to myself, "As long as she isn't out sleeping with men I need to try to work this out".

 

Sleeping with men isn't the issue...it's the intimacy. She's left you with little or no intimacy...she's spending it on someone else. She's not paid attention when you caught her...it's still a priority for her.

 

I remember reading once that there is only so much intimacy 'in' a person...if you're not getting it then someone else is.

 

You have some tough decisions, but start putting the tough things to her...MC and IC...willingly giving up the computer, not because she's being kept busy. She has enough in her life that should be her priority...that should keep her busy. Force her hand...don't waste your life because she's weak.

[eddie_d_2000]

Sleeping with men isn't the issue...it's the intimacy. She's left you with little or no intimacy...she's spending it on someone else. She's not paid attention when you caught her...it's still a priority for her.

 

I remember reading once that there is only so much intimacy 'in' a person...if you're not getting it then someone else is.

 

You have some tough decisions, but start putting the tough things to her...MC and IC...willingly giving up the computer, not because she's being kept busy. She has enough in her life that should be her priority...that should keep her busy. Force her hand...don't waste your life because she's weak.

 

We do have intimacy tho, if you are talking about sex and dating and such, we spend every night together. I think she just wouldn't listen to me, after I exposed her on Monday night, her parents seem to be the slap in the face she needs. I just need to let it play out I guess and see what comes from it.

[MadMission]

Ok, I have posted on here in the past, its been 7 months since I found out about the affair and I have had my ups and downs with it. My wife who had the affair has had some contact with the guy, she went behind my back and got a pay as you go phone and I found that out and she stopped that, then we went for a while and things were good and then he just started calling her out of the blue and I had to put a stop to that.

 

I found a IM client called Palringo so I set up a bogus user on there and had a conversation with her on there and she said that she thought she had lost her soul mate which I thought she was talking about this guy she had a long distance affair with but it turns out it was some other guy. I think she has a problem really with just chatting with men online and flirting with them. She has only acted on it once by traveling across the country on what I thought was a business trip and turned out to be a one night stand.

 

After the Palringo conversation I had had enough, it was either start the divorce proceedings or expose her. Since we have two little ones I decided I would give it another chance and expose her so I went to her parents and that has turned out to be the potential marriage saver. Her Mom is trying to keep her busy now and she is staying off the computer a lot more now, which was her biggest problem, she is a stay at home mom who can't get off the computer, I can't get her to clean anything, and usually if I want supper for the family i have to get home from working 9 hrs and cook for everybody, pretty sad if you ask me. But I think now that everything is out in the open that we are going to be able to work this out.

 

My question for you guys is this, how or what can I do to try to not be so suspicious of her and not check up on her all the time? I am thinking its really just up to time in the long run, and I would have been a lot better if she hadn't had the contact with the guy anymore. I do believe she really does love me, she told me the other day that she has been a horrible mother and wife and she was sorry. She is taking a trip to Las Vegas next month and I am going because I told her if she went alone it was over and this trip was so important to her, but she is ok with me going, no problems with it at all. All I really need to figure out is how to not worry about it so much, maybe individual counseling is what I need, I don't know.

 

 

I am confused. WHY would you want to find a way to burry your head in the sand?

That was the situation BEFORE d-day. You went along...unsuspecting...trust intact. And, she took advantage of your trust, innocence, and unsuspecting nature. Why are you trying to 'recreate' that dynamic by purposefully 'pretending' that it's unneccessary to suspect your WW of inappropriate behavior and betrayal....when she's had affairs, buys go-phones, and has continued to deceive you even after d-day.

 

Do you think it might be 'easier' to turn away and ignore the REALITY and TRUTH about your WW....that she IS a cheater? To actively prevent yourself from discovering more transgressions so that you won't know whether or not your are being betrayed again by her? Are you thinkng that ignorance is bliss?

 

What is the point of that? Help me understand.

[eddie_d_2000]

I am confused. WHY would you want to find a way to burry your head in the sand?

That was the situation BEFORE d-day. You went along...unsuspecting...trust intact. And, she took advantage of your trust, innocence, and unsuspecting nature. Why are you trying to 'recreate' that dynamic by purposefully 'pretending' that it's unneccessary to suspect your WW of inappropriate behavior and betrayal....when she's had affairs, buys go-phones, and has continued to deceive you even after d-day.

 

Do you think it might be 'easier' to turn away and ignore the REALITY and TRUTH about your WW....that she IS a cheater? To actively prevent yourself from discovering more transgressions so that you won't know whether or not your are being betrayed again by her? Are you thinkng that ignorance is bliss?

 

What is the point of that? Help me understand.

 

The only answer I can give you at this point is that I love her and my children and until she physically cheats again I am going to try my best to work this out.

[MizFit]

We do have intimacy tho, if you are talking about sex and dating and such, we spend every night together. I think she just wouldn't listen to me, after I exposed her on Monday night, her parents seem to be the slap in the face she needs. I just need to let it play out I guess and see what comes from it.

 

I'm a great believer in playing it out till there's nothing left to play out or you're done...I can't change your mind and neither can anyone else. You need to do what you need to do...I hope it goes the way you want it to.

 

As far as intimacy...it's not just sex. It's sharing things and not hiding things...it's that closeness you feel when the world is silent and no one can come between you physically or mentally. It's sitting together at breakfast and it's a quick call and you know they miss you. Sex is part of it, but the emotional intimacy is what I'm speaking of. She is spending that on other people...you need that. Your relationship needs that.

 

When I'm writing please don't think I'm going against you or wishing you ill...I'm not. I wish you all the best, but that may not be quite what you expect it is.

[2sure]

Your wife has a problem. She loves you, you love her...but she still has the problem. You both want the family to stay together. You want her to stop acting on her problem and maybe she does too...but the problem is still there.

 

Your marriage and family need to be protected from her problem. You have to be willing to help her with this by checking up on her, verifying her calls and activities. Its a pain, its somewhat degrading, you wish you didnt have to do it. But , she has this problem and you love her and if you want to keep the marriage ...you have to be willing to take on this job.

 

For her part, your wife has to recognize that she has a problem and that she needs help with it. She has to admit that simply saying she will not do it again is beyond her. She has to accept that you love her so much you are willing to help her .

 

Transparency doesnt hurt marriages, privacy often does.

 

You both have to become comfortable with these new terms of your marriage.

[MadMission]

The only answer I can give you at this point is that I love her and my children and until she physically cheats again I am going to try my best to work this out.

 

Eddie,

 

I understand that you love your W and kids...and want to work this out.

But, how can you work it out without important, critical details like whether or not she is being faithful? That is important for you to know. Unless you want to do what some BS do....turn a blind eye and continue in the M as if everything is OK while the WS has active affairs with OM/OW. Is that what you want?

 

Unless your WW always willingly confessed her affairs to you, the ONLY reason you even KNOW about them is because YOU found out in some way.

You need to keep up with this...so that you can stay informed about your WW. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It can go either way. Your staying vigilant allows your WW to 'prove' that she is being faithful when you find nothing inappropriate. That's a good thing. And, maybe you can look at it like that...that what you are trying to find is assurance by discovering 'good' stuff, rather than being vigelant in the spirit of trying to catch her doing something wrong.

 

Either way...'working things out' without knowing the truth about your WW is impossible. Your 'worked out' relationship will just be a fantasy you create and want to beleive about your WW and M. It's a fantasy because it is NOT based on TRUTH...but based on blind optimism, denial, hope, dreams, desires, wishes, etc.

 

If you need a break from 'snooping' or monitoring or questioning, etc....that is OK. Take a break. But, don't slip into a sense of false security. Let real security arrise from a failure to find anything inappropriate over a LONG period of time.

 

Don't volunteer to blindly live in a bogus marriage.

Strive for a marriage based on truth. Then you really have something.

Then you can rest...having really 'worked it out.'

[reboot]

7 months is way too soon to be forgetting.

[jnj express]

IF YOU WANNA WORK THIS OUT---THEN THINGS IN YOUR MGE., NEED TO CHANGE.

 

You don't wanna be a prison guard, or PI, then you need to do some things to let her know her present actions must change, or there will be a divorce.

 

Take away the computer alltogether, for hundreds of years people LIVED WITHOUT COMPUTERS. THIS IS SOMETHING YOU NEED TO DO. TAKE AWAY ANY CELLPHONE, AND KEEP TIGHT RECORDS ONYOUR LANDLINE.

 

Set up hard boundaries, with dealbreaker consequences, that you will activate if she breaks them. If she is the SAHM, then she cleans, cooks, and does everything else a SAHM would do, no exceptions. You are working, she needs to contribule to the mge.

 

You need to be hardnosed, if she doesn't agree and/or perform, tell her divorce is on the table, and she might want to start looking for a job, and an apt, and a way to support herself.

[crazycatlady]

You need to take some time for yourself and figure out what you truly honestly can and can not deal with. Be honest with yourself here.

 

I made the decision not to confront. Not to do key loggers (I find the practice to be horrid and almost as faith breaking as an affair). To try and let it go. I know where the OW is, I know who the OW is. I speak almost daily to the OW and they dont know I know which honestly is about as stupid as them thinking I wouldn't find out but be that as it may....I decided that I love my spouse and for that matter love the OW as well.

 

However, aside from the betrayal on both sides, everything else is good. He's a provider for us, he helps with the kids, not the house so much but he knows when I go back to work I need more help. I know he loves me, needs me, wants me. I made the decision that was best for me. You need to figure out the decision that is best for you.

 

Your wife sounds like she is missing something somewhere. She might have some mild depression. She could be feel unappreciated which is quite common, thus the attetion of the OM is well nice. She might not feel you understand. This is not a justification for what she is doing. Nothing justifies it. But you have to understand it if you want to make a go of it becase you are going to have to try and provide what she needs or at least encourage her to find an acceptable outlet for those needs.

 

If its worth this effort, then give it the effort. And stop worrying about the other person she might or might not be talking to. Work on fixing the other issues where you can, or encouraging her to fix them however you can. It will take time to change old habits. There will be lapses. And some need to check is going to happen. Its only been since october that I found out about H and the OW....and while it has been impossible (and I know its been impossible) for them to be together in that time, every now and then the urge hits and i check the phone bill to see if they have been texting. I've stopped checking his phone and don't plan on ever doing it again. I dislike snooping that much. I've made my choice and am slowly working on feeling totally at peace with it. I'm not totally there but close.

 

But I'm also making sure that I'm doing my best to meet his needs. And asking for my needs to be met when I feel they aren't, but in a nice polite way rather then bitching. And it seems to be working.

 

But this is my choice. Which is why you must decide what you can and cant take, and decide from there. I'm a huge believer in taking the feeling in, looking at it, see why its there, says yes I see you feeling, and if its not one you want to keep, then going ok I saw you now you can go away. And let it go. Don't ignore it, or it hangs around and gets stronger and stronger. You gotta accept you feel it. But I don't agree that you need to keep it around any longer then to notice it, accept it, see why its there, and then let it go.

 

This is not an overnight process. And its not for everyone. I'm not doing this for my kids. I'm not doing this to look good in society. I'm doing this becase I love him. He loves me. And I think its worth the risk of the pain again. You must decide for yourself those things. I do not agree with staying for children - I think they are better off without bitter parents, and the longer you try and make it when angry and bitter, the harsher the divorce tends to be. I don't agree staying together for society either. Suck it up and deal. But that's me.

 

All my advice is geared towards one thing...decide what is important to you, why its important to you, what your deal breakers are, and go from there. Good luck.

 

CCL

[dazzle22]

CCL, I find your story amazing. Unlike 99.9% of BS you have managed to stay rational and prioritize what you need and separate out what they are doing from who you are and still love them. You should write a book, or a journal that becomes a book. Most people cannot do what you are able to do.

[crazycatlady]

Dazzler - I spent a long number of years letting emotions that weren't productive run my life. A year of counciling and then actually time with H helped me realize that holding on to unproductive emotions was stupid.

 

I'm not fully where I want to be. I would rather have the ability to bring this up to both of them, bring it out in the open so the lying and hiding can stop. I'm not there yet. I am still struggling with the guilt of snooping, and then I'm not yet 100% certain I can talk about it with them without getting angry at the hiding, lying and betrayal on both sides. I don't think I would lose it, but I could. I would rather one of them brought it because I think I could be more controled in that case, mainly because I would not be having to defend/accept my snooping at the same time.

 

And I have thought about it, and I am willing to take the risk of the pain and hurt coming again to keep what we have.

 

I don't know about writing a book, I've thought about fictionalizing it. I think it could be a best seller and a great movie afterwards Except I don't know the ending!

 

CCL

[jnj express]

I am sorry but CCL is a situation onto herself, and should not be an example for mge. Mge. is made up of 2 people not 3 people, and you can spin it any way you want---The BS is getting trampled by the selfish WS, and the kids are being given a horrible example of life.

 

CCL what kind of visions do you have at night when alone or with your cheating H. Do you not see their bodies intertwined making love---how do you live with that and do nothing about it????

 

Are your children to be raised thinking its OK to cheat in a mge.????

[crazycatlady]

My kids have no idea, nor will they. They aren't a part of the marriage. A part of the family yes, but not part of the marriage.

 

As for my situation, yes it is unique. Our marriage is unique. The affair he is/was in is extremely unique. But that is often the case of everyone here.

 

This is why I stressed to the OP that they had to figure out what they can handle, and just go from there. And ways of dealing with emotions that aren't productive to that desired outcome. It was never to follow in my example. That was put out to show where I was coming from and one option.

 

I really don't think its productive to stay in a marriage if you can't let go of the pain, hurt, bitterness, anger, and distrust. Having those emotions come back now and then is to be expected but feeling them all the time, why bother?

 

And no, I don't think of him with her when we are together, even when I just found out about what happened, and later on had it completely confirmed. Its not about her verses me.

 

I don't worry about when he goes out of town that he's going to be where her. I'll know if/when that happens again. There is a large distance between us and the OW. Plus I now know from past behavior how H acts when he's with her vs how he acts when he's normally away. And then I might have to confront, but I'll be doing it in my own way, not the way people around here seem to think it must be done.

 

I'm done with my own snooping and sneaking around. Its so unproductive and unhealthy for me. I might check the phone record now and then to see how much they are texting, but that's the extent of it.

 

I don't think my H is selfish in the way most BS and even OW think of the WS as selfish. I know I'm different. But again, I'm not saying be like me. I'm saying find your limits, and then stick to them and don't dwell on the negative emotions that will undermine those feelings.

 

If the OP decides to break it off with his wife, then he needs to work on letting go the love he has for her and not let the need for her undermine his desire to break off the marriage because that's what he would need in that situation.

 

CCL

[dreamingoftigers]

HI,

 

I am in the same situation, my husband has an online problem and we have been trying to restore trust in our relationship after he botched it a few times. One of the books I found helpful was In the Shadow of the Net.

 

People are really getting caught up and addicted to the online stuff. I know a lot of people are going to say END IT. I take my marriage and family very seriously as well, I will go as far as I possibly can to save my family instead of trying the easier route of replacing my husband and trying to make that work out. It's not a matter of convenience as many may think, being with an addicted spouse is not easy or convenient at all.

 

Part of why we have been able to make it and I think the only reason I am not looking over my shoulder as much is because of our therapist. She has been treating couples with these and similar issues for 26 years and does not look down on people or be condescending to them. Her name is Maureen Kitchur, www.kitchur.com, perhaps she might be able to recommend somone in your area, she has contacts in the US and Australia.

[Steadfast]

 

My kids have no idea, nor will they. They aren't a part of the marriage. A part of the family yes, but not part of the marriage.

 

 

I'm not familiar with your situation, but they might know more than you think. In any case, they will find out. Someday, somehow. It's inevitable. A secret, or skeleton will fester and infect minds and hearts unless it's exposed and allowed to heal. That, I suspect, is my experience lived.

 

Your life, your decision, to be sure and you'll get no judgments from me. However, avoidance is not a solution but you seem very intelligent and I'm sure you know that. I'm also sure you have your boundaries. Good luck-

[FryFish]

Wow... CCL... The difference between you and most BS's is like night and day. The only kind of guys that could be ok with a cheating wife would be cuckolds and cheaters. Through the wonderful mechanism of evolution, males are predisposed to not handle a cheating wife very well at all. Its a lot to say that most betrayed husbands dont end up murdering people, let alone simply accepting it.

[eddie_d_2000]

My situation is very similar to CCL's, except at this point I am not ok with her going on a trip by herself. We have agreed that the trip to Vegas she is taking next week I have to go with her, I simply can't trust her enough to take a trip very similar to the one she cheated on me with again.

 

It is really tough for me as a man to look past things, but I do know several men that were able to look past the first affair and move on with their marriage, but then those women did go back and have other affairs and those marriages have ended. I do still hold hope that she will not have another affair on me and if she did, that would be my boundary line crossed, lol.

 

She is in the process of trying to find a part time job to get out of the house and away from that computer. It's looking like the exposure I did with her parents is really paying off for me. Her mom is trying to get back what they used to have and that is a really good thing for her.

[crazycatlady]

Where did it come across that I'm the cheater?? I did not cheat, Fry.

 

Stead - the kids have no idea. There is no lingering festering because I do not hold on to the hurt to let it turn to bitterness and anger. There is nothing to fester.

 

Eddie - you know your line, you just stated it. That's good. And its good you are going with her on the trip. I would work on at being able to go on the trip with H if it were one I knew the OW could possibly join him. Your wife is trying, communication is open, and her family is helping. All those are great things. And you know one more time its over. Make sure she knows it. BUT I feel if you are going to make it a go, then holding on to the hurt to let it turn into bitterness and anger is dangerous and harms more then helps. Thus the reason that I really advocate letting those emotions go. You can't ignore them - which I think is what you have been trying to do in the past - but insteadn bring them in, go to yourself "yes yes that really did hurt but you can go on now, I don't have to hold on to you" and keep a strong hold of the positive emotions.

 

The part time job is also great. It will probably help her feel much better about herself too and its an honest self-worth, not a bullsh*t selfworth that online and in person affairs can bring.

 

CCL