Fallen Angel Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Really silly you say? Well first of all like i have mentioned, mm does need to accept his part, secondly he needs therapy to fix the broke part of his soul, and the nc makes perfect sense, let him walk this journey alone, it will make him stronger, not leaning on ow, for god sake.... If they have a shot, they need a break, Im not saying for years, but at least 6 months. They can rebuild a new and healthy relationship on solid ground later. If they stay together now, it will have a huge failure rate, she is setting herself up for further pain, she needs to give this time, he is a big boy, let him grow up. Well you go right on ahead and do that in your own relationship if that is what trips your trigger, but I still say it is silly, and I will never abandon My Sweetheart when/if the time comes that he makes the break from his marriage. If I loved him enough to stay with him while he was in his marriage, i sure as heck am not going to kick him to the curb when he makes moves in the direction of being with me fulltime. And since you seem to have the answers.. what are the statistics of the difference between a relationship where the OW stays by his side and is the same loving supportive partner he has had, and when the OW suddendly drops him on his proverbial behind in relation to the success/failure rates of the relationships? I am interested in seeing the research on this.
Author willowfields Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 why don't you get off my thread and let someone with constuctive advice speak. take ur bitterness someplace else.
Mino Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Well you go right on ahead and do that in your own relationship if that is what trips your trigger, but I still say it is silly, and I will never abandon My Sweetheart when/if the time comes that he makes the break from his marriage. If I loved him enough to stay with him while he was in his marriage, i sure as heck am not going to kick him to the curb when he makes moves in the direction of being with me fulltime. And since you seem to have the answers.. what are the statistics of the difference between a relationship where the OW stays by his side and is the same loving supportive partner he has had, and when the OW suddendly drops him on his proverbial behind in relation to the success/failure rates of the relationships? I am interested in seeing the research on this. Honey, been there and done that... thats why I know. I will not be that leaning post again for a mm. 5 long hard years was enough for me to know better. I did the stand by your man crap, and I can say it only brings you down. They NEED time alone. They NEED time to reconize their part in the destuction of their Marriage. The one who do, will learn from their mistakes and have a chance to maybe have a great second marriage. BuT THEY have to put the work into it, not the ow for them. Then the last part of the equation is TIME to heal, for both the partners, including the ow, because honey if you think you didnt get damaged through the A, your in denial. But I can see your still at what I call the begining, where Your in the affair fog too, I know been there too, so I cant blame you... Oh and I dont have stats, sorry, its common sense that finally came back to me after the fog lifted:rolleyes:
Mino Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 (edited) Honey, been there and done that... thats why I know. I will not be that leaning post again for a mm. 5 long hard years was enough for me to know better. I did the "stand by your man" crap, and I can say it only brings you down. They NEED time alone. They NEED time to reconize their part in the destuction of their Marriage. The ones who do, will learn from their mistakes and have a chance to maybe have a great second marriage. BuT THEY have to put the work into it, not the ow for them. Then the last part of the equation is TIME to heal, for both the partners, including the ow, because honey if you think you didnt get damaged through the A, your in denial. But I can see your still at what I call the begining, where Your in the affair fog too, I know been there too, so I cant blame you... Oh and I dont have stats, sorry, its common sense that finally came back to me after the fog lifted:rolleyes: But go right ahead.... step into the wives shoes, I bet they will be no different for you cause he never learned in the error of his ways. Edited February 21, 2010 by Mino
Mino Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Oh and by the way fallen angel.... I am practicing what Im preaching, NC is in place, and guess what, he is going through the D as we speak, means nothing to me at this point... he hasnt even BEGUN to do the work yet that I require for him to be a healthy partner for me...
bestplayer Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Honey, been there and done that... thats why I know. I will not be that leaning post again for a mm. 5 long hard years was enough for me to know better. I did the "stand by your man" crap, and I can say it only brings you down. They NEED time alone. They NEED time to reconize their part in the destuction of their Marriage. The ones who do, will learn from their mistakes and have a chance to maybe have a great second marriage. BuT THEY have to put the work into it, not the ow for them. Then the last part of the equation is TIME to heal, for both the partners, including the ow, because honey if you think you didnt get damaged through the A, your in denial. But I can see your still at what I call the begining, where Your in the affair fog too, I know been there too, so I cant blame you... Oh and I dont have stats, sorry, its common sense that finally came back to me after the fog lifted:rolleyes: But go right ahead.... step into the wives shoes, I bet they will be no different for you cause he never learned in the error of his ways. i dont think she got damaged through her affair , it is only her husband who got damaged & needs to heal . for her its time to enjoy with her lover .
Ms. Red Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Hi Mino it's good to see you. It's been a while. Glad you're doing well. But please don't become one of those former OW that now looks at all MM through the clarity you have finally gained about your MM. Your situation was quite different being that you had a known liar from the very beginning and he treated you like crap. But you hung in there for the next blow after blow after blow. Your guy had mental health issues to work through once they were discovered. You wanted your guy to leave his child & choose you. You wanted things you couldn't have. That's not how it is with all OW. Some are content right where they are and accept things the way they are and don't put demands on their MM that cannot be done. So, please don't hop on the "all MM suck" bandwagon because your situation never became what you wanted it to be. They are not all the same.
moaningmyrtle Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 i dont think she got damaged through her affair , it is only her husband who got damaged & needs to heal . for her its time to enjoy with her lover . Hey do you happen to know a guy called Scorpmale?
Hazyhead Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Hi Mino it's good to see you. It's been a while. Glad you're doing well. But please don't become one of those former OW that now looks at all MM through the clarity you have finally gained about your MM. Your situation was quite different being that you had a known liar from the very beginning and he treated you like crap. But you hung in there for the next blow after blow after blow. Your guy had mental health issues to work through once they were discovered. You wanted your guy to leave his child & choose you. You wanted things you couldn't have. That's not how it is with all OW. Some are content right where they are and accept things the way they are and don't put demands on their MM that cannot be done. So, please don't hop on the "all MM suck" bandwagon because your situation never became what you wanted it to be. They are not all the same. So, according to you "that's how it is with all OW" and yet MM are "not all the same"? I think you're very selective with your big generalisation brush. Could it be that your 'poor' husband has, at some point, been led astray by one of these evil husband-stealing OW?
moaningmyrtle Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 So, according to you "that's how it is with all OW" and yet MM are "not all the same"? I think you're very selective with your big generalisation brush. Could it be that your 'poor' husband has, at some point, been led astray by one of these evil husband-stealing OW? Hazyhead I think you misread; she actually said "That's not how it is with all OW".
bestplayer Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Hey do you happen to know a guy called Scorpmale? o yes , he is sometimes too brutual while posting
Hazyhead Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Hazyhead I think you misread; she actually said "That's not how it is with all OW". Oops. So sorry!
Ms. Red Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Oops. So sorry! Does it make sense now what I said? I saw your post in an e-mail notification and I was confused on what you were saying to me. LoL I re-read it & didn't get it at first. S'all good.
Fallen Angel Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Oh and by the way fallen angel.... I am practicing what Im preaching, NC is in place, and guess what, he is going through the D as we speak, means nothing to me at this point... he hasnt even BEGUN to do the work yet that I require for him to be a healthy partner for me... Well, if that is what you and he need to do, then more power to you. My relationship is not your relationship. Obviously the dynamic of your affair, based on things being described about it by a different poster, was VERY different from mine. My Sweetheart does not need a lot of work to become a "healthy" partner for me. So I feel no need to shut him out of my life, nor block myself from his when/if he starts divorce. If that is what works for you, then do it. But if your only basis for deciding that NC after separation from the wife is the only way that MM and OW will ever be able to have a strong relationship is your experience as an OW now and in other OW/MM relationships, well, then I think I will stick with my heart instead of your advice. Obviously we are two very different people conducting ourselves in very different ways, and what works for me will not work for you and vice versa. Good luck to you.
Hazyhead Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Does it make sense now what I said? I saw your post in an e-mail notification and I was confused on what you were saying to me. LoL I re-read it & didn't get it at first. S'all good. Yes. Sorry. It's a Sunday - I reserve that day for my slowness
Author willowfields Posted February 21, 2010 Author Posted February 21, 2010 mino, just a quick question. you say you are in nc while your mm is going through his divorce. this is the time that he needs you the most. he needs support from some one who loves and cares for him. don't you feel that you want to give that him, your support.
Angel1111 Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 i don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater. i trust him with all my heart. time will tell where we wind up and if we are meant to be. i have no regrets for having him in my life. You're right about this. Don't believe what people say about that. He was apparently extremely unhappy. I wish you both the best of luck.
Mino Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Hi Mino it's good to see you. It's been a while. Glad you're doing well. But please don't become one of those former OW that now looks at all MM through the clarity you have finally gained about your MM. Your situation was quite different being that you had a known liar from the very beginning and he treated you like crap. But you hung in there for the next blow after blow after blow. Your guy had mental health issues to work through once they were discovered. You wanted your guy to leave his child & choose you. You wanted things you couldn't have. That's not how it is with all OW. Some are content right where they are and accept things the way they are and don't put demands on their MM that cannot be done. So, please don't hop on the "all MM suck" bandwagon because your situation never became what you wanted it to be. They are not all the same.Hello MS Red, Im sorry that you see me in the wrong light. First off let me clarify to you that my xsm did not treat me like crap, we were very much in love. It would not have lasted 5 years if that was not the case. He wasnt a liar, not at all. What I wanted was a full time relationship, which I did get. But yes your right he has a mental condition. Don't they all have that in a way? My advice comes from therapy. It didnt make sense to me back then. You know when I first came to LS, I read all the stories. and it freaked me out, I said to myself, "we are different" because we really do love each other. We will make it through this mess. But what I have learned is that these mm all have several things in common. ONe is that they ARE damaged. Because Ms RED, if they WERE healthy they would not be in Affairs, now would they? People grow apart, people meet new people everyday, but this crew of MM/ MW that continue on living at home and carrying on an A have issues. They have been successful and getting away with leading two relationships. They know this, this is a problem within itself. My guy did move out 3 times, I did the "let me make it better for you and stick by your side thing. But it made me resentful as well. You know I had a hard time taking advice here sometimes too. Nid, and wwisup, and many others were a big help to me. Coming back to LS, I see the same stuff. New OW/OM who have not been in the A all to long. They still have a long road to haul. You are right , every situation is different, but the outcome is usually the same. Sure they are a few exceptions, but I will say this. I was one of the Exceptions... Mine left, I got the guy... AND still it was unhealthy. Because he had not done the work to heal himself. These guys seem to alway have it made easy for them. The bs caters to them, then the ow does they same. They dont need to do the work. Like a spoiled child in a way. Looking back now 5 years I have learned a bit...and the advice I would give any OW/OM, is the same. It is the advice I got out of therapy, but was not willing to take it at the time, because I too believed I need to hold my guys hand and give him all the support he needed. NC gives clarity, ( if you stick to it) Put yourself first.... and dont settle for excuses. Let him clean up his mess himself, it will make him stronger. Tear down the the foundation ( which is built on much pain) of the A, Give him time to get therapy, A Divorce does require mourning, no matter how bad the M was. And INMHO, the person needs to take responsibility for his part in the destruction. Why, so they dont make the same mistakes again. MY guy wants a future with me, he would be living with me right now , if I allowed it. Sure it would be easy for him. But you know what, I will not make the same mistakes again..... I need time to heal, because yes an Affair leaves deep scars, and anyone who does not believe that is fooling themselves. And he needs time. The future...... no one knows, but one thing I am certain of is that IF we do have a future, it will be a healthy one. Because we did the work to make it healthy, anything eles is not acceptable ANYMORE.
Mino Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 mino, just a quick question. you say you are in nc while your mm is going through his divorce. this is the time that he needs you the most. he needs support from some one who loves and cares for him. don't you feel that you want to give that him, your support. Willow, I had given him 5 years of support. Support is not what they need. He needs to walk this journey on his own, with no one holding his hand. He needs to do the work, thats the only way he will get strong. But Thats the flaw we have as women, I suppose. We always want to take care, fix, make it all better..but he needs to find the strength from within.... only then can he be the man you deserve and want.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Support is not what they need. only then can he be the man you deserve and want. With all due respect Mino, that may be true in your case, but it is not true in every case. When you have a waffler, then I totally agree. However, my H was not a waffler. He followed through on what he said and didn't do the back and forth. He DID need my support. What he did took guts and he had me to lean on when he needed it. It is difficult when you leave a M, especially when everyone is watching. My H and I have both become better partners to each as we grow together, live daily together, share life's ups and downs. We do not need to be apart in order to do that. I would never leave my love when he needed me most. Now if he had EVER even given a hint that he was thinking of going back, I'd have kicked him to the curb. So I understand where you are coming from, but it is not the rule. Every person is different, every R is different and the outcomes are different. Everyone must choose their own path. And live their life so that their regrets are few. That is what you are doing and that is what the OP is doing. Good luck to you both. GEL
Recommended Posts