mikeymad Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Because this can get pretty gloom and doom in here, I found this post on craigslist, and it actually made me laugh my head off...so appropriate for many here. Enjoy, and happy thursday. The Grinding Wheels of Justice Bunkbed Date: 2010-01-02, 10:05AM EST So there you are, suddenly single after fifteen years of faithful monogamy that came to a crashing halt when you discovered that the other �partner� felt that monogamy only applied to one of you, and it wasn�t her. Now, despite the fact that you�ve been a hard-working sole provider for a decade and a half and you technically own half of a really nice, big, house in the burbs, you find yourself sitting in an unfurnished crappy little two-bedroom apartment little bigger than the one you first moved into straight out of college. You have an old table with one chair, a beat up couch you got from your folks back in the early 90s and which they got in the 70s, a mattress with no frame, and thank god, a tv. (But that bitch wouldn�t let you have the remote, would she?) You�re not exactly at the top of your game, but what�s worse is that you don�t know where the kids will sleep. Yea, the kids. They still love you. They want to come and see you. They did nothing wrong. But now you have nowhere (other than the couch) for them to sleep. Sound familiar? Well then have I got a deal for you. Feast your eyes upon the Grinding Wheels of Justice Bunkbed. You see, it will get better. The wheels of karmic justice may grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly fine. You will reconstruct your ego, and your life. Then you�ll slowly start having a social life. You�ll fix some of those things about yourself you always wanted to fix but didn�t have the time/energy because you were so busy being provider/husband/father. You�ll meet a brilliant and gorgeous woman who, coincidentally, happens to be much younger than you. You�ll fall in love. For her part, your ex will fall into bankruptcy, get all sorts of inappropriate tattoos, and basically ruin her own life without any help from you. But the first step to all of that is having somewhere for the kids to sleep. That�s where the bunkbed comes in. As you can see from the picture, it�s steel framed, relatively new, comes with two mattresses, and the bottom bunk is a couch until you pull it out into a futon. So here is the scale: If any or all of this applies to you, if you are the one who was cheated (male or female) on and you STILL had to move out and need somewhere for your kids to sleep: $75 and hell, I�ll throw in some pillows for you. If you are a single mother or father, perhaps for other reasons, it�s still a bargain at $100 If you are a young couple, working hard to make ends meet but doing pretty well, with your whole lives in front of you: $101 If you are the one who cheated in your marriage/partnership, the one who had to leave the house because you could not stop your libido from overruling your vows: $3,275. And I get to punch you in the face. In fact, I'll probably do that anyway, on the principle of the thing. Maybe we should keep this thread going as something to make us smile in the middle of a ****storm.
mimidarlin Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Sometimes this song echoes what I would like to do...just because I want to express my inner pain. I bust the windows out ya car And no it didn’t mend my broken heart I’ll probably always have these ugly scars But right now I don’t care about that part I bust the windows out ya car After I saw you laying next to her I didn’t wanna but I took my turn I’m glad I did it cause you had to learn… I must admit it helped a little bit To think of how you’d feel when you saw it I didn’t know that I had that much strength But I’m glad you see what happens when… You see can’t just play with people’s feelings Tell them you love them and don’t mean it You’ll probably say that it was juvenile But I think that I deserve to smile I bust the windows out ya car You know I did it cause I left my mark Wrote my initials with the crowbar And then I drove off into the dark I bust the windows out ya car You should feel lucky that that’s all I did After five whole years of this bull**** Gave you all of me and you played with it Oooh ahh… I must admit it helped a little bit To think of how you’d feel when you saw it I didn’t know that I had that much strength But I’m glad you see what happens when… You see you can’t just play with people’s feelings Tell them you love them and don’t mean it You’ll probably say that it was juvenile But I think that I deserve to smile But it don’t comfort to my broken heart You could never feel how I felt that day Until it happens baby you don’t know pain Oooh Yeah I did it (Yeah I did it) You should know it (You should know it) I ain’t sorry (I ain’t sorry) You deserved it (You deserved it) After what you did to me (After what you did) You deserved it (You deserved it) I ain’t sorry (I ain’t sorry) no no oh… (I ain’t sorry) You broke my heart So I broke ya car You caused me pain (You caused me pain) So I did the same Even though all that you did to me was much worse I had to do something to make you hurt yeah Oh but why am I still cryin’? Why am I the one whose still cryin’? Oh oh you really hurt me baby You really you really hurt me baby Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey now watch me yule now watch me yule I bust the windows out ya car…
Author mikeymad Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Good song, but doesn't exactly fit with the LOL nature of the thread. I'll try to keep it updated, because everyone should smile at least ONCE a day.
MySweetie'sGone Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Sometimes this song echoes what I would like to do...just because I want to express my inner pain. I bust the windows out ya car And no it didn’t mend my broken heart I’ll probably always have these ugly scars But right now I don’t care about that part I bust the windows out ya car After I saw you laying next to her I didn’t wanna but I took my turn I’m glad I did it cause you had to learn… I must admit it helped a little bit To think of how you’d feel when you saw it I didn’t know that I had that much strength But I’m glad you see what happens when… You see can’t just play with people’s feelings Tell them you love them and don’t mean it You’ll probably say that it was juvenile But I think that I deserve to smile I bust the windows out ya car You know I did it cause I left my mark Wrote my initials with the crowbar And then I drove off into the dark I bust the windows out ya car You should feel lucky that that’s all I did After five whole years of this bull**** Gave you all of me and you played with it Oooh ahh… I must admit it helped a little bit To think of how you’d feel when you saw it I didn’t know that I had that much strength But I’m glad you see what happens when… You see you can’t just play with people’s feelings Tell them you love them and don’t mean it You’ll probably say that it was juvenile But I think that I deserve to smile But it don’t comfort to my broken heart You could never feel how I felt that day Until it happens baby you don’t know pain Oooh Yeah I did it (Yeah I did it) You should know it (You should know it) I ain’t sorry (I ain’t sorry) You deserved it (You deserved it) After what you did to me (After what you did) You deserved it (You deserved it) I ain’t sorry (I ain’t sorry) no no oh… (I ain’t sorry) You broke my heart So I broke ya car You caused me pain (You caused me pain) So I did the same Even though all that you did to me was much worse I had to do something to make you hurt yeah Oh but why am I still cryin’? Why am I the one whose still cryin’? Oh oh you really hurt me baby You really you really hurt me baby Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey now watch me yule now watch me yule I bust the windows out ya car… The "watch me yule" part always makes me laugh out loud. lol.
Author mikeymad Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Author mikeymad Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ....and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00". "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95"? Dad asked surprised. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
Author mikeymad Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Oh, and here's one for the ladies A letter from ex to ex Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me had you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want intimacy or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ***************************************** Dear Ex-Husband - > >Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me So take care. Signed, your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Author mikeymad Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Words to live by The only person who ever actually listens to both sides of the argument is the guy in the next apartment. Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. "Never attribute to malice anything that can be adequately explained by stupidity." -- Hanlon's Razor "No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less." -- Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom "Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you." "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." "Falling in love is like catching knives. In time, you can learn to do it without hurting yourself every time. It's still a dangerous proposition, though." and for fun : Sorry, Dave, you can't have an orgy by yourself. It's one of the rules."
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