letting go Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Hi everyone, this is my first post and will probably be a long one! background: DH and I married 6yrs, been together for 9, have a two year old and four year old. We met online, I'm Canadian, he's British. I moved to England, have been here for past eight years. Last month, DH decided to surprise me with the old 'I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you' speech. Things had been a bit rocky the last few months, he's been stressed at work, having two young kids takes it out of you as well, pressure from family, it's been never-ending. So I chalked a lot of it up to that. Apparently, it was more than that. We've had a pretty stressful and traumatic last few years. When my son was 7m old, my mother was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer. She was in Canada, I was here. DH and I moved up our plan of conceiving baby2 as we wanted my mom to have an opportunity to meet the baby, if possible, or at least know it was on the way. SO we got knocked up. Two months before baby2 arrived, mom deteriorated further but was able to be here for the birth. Had daughter. I had post-partum depression. It was ROUGH. By the time I was emerging from the PPD, mom was told there were no further treatment options and now it was literally a matter of time. Summer of 2008 we all went to Canada for three months while mom passed away. I did her end of life care, took care of the kids, tried to keep my dad together. And DH was there trying to prop me up, tele-work from Canada. Crazy awful time. We got back to England Oct 2008. My dad did not handle my mom's death at all well, he blamed me for his being alone and continually called and ranted and emailed and demanded. CONSTANTLY. Nov of 2009 I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, I was in a bad way, couldn't walk very well, had horrible wrist/elbow/shoulder issues. It was so bad that I couldn't change my daughter's diaper some days and would have to call DH at work because I literally couldn't get things done. Things with my dad were horrendous, he took to emailing my DH and telling him that he needed to man up and quit his job here and look for something in Canada. Unreal. I thought I was coping as well as I could with all the crap... When I asked DH WHAT had changed?!? Why did he feel like he didn't love me anymore? What had I done? He told me that I haven't been very pleasant to live with the last 18m (gee, I guess grieving and dealing with an irrational parent not to mention being stuck at home with two young kids can take it out of you a bit), made him feel like nothing he ever does is enough, he hates my dad, I'm never happy anymore, we've grown apart...some of his statements were 'fair'. Some not. We did have a constructive discussion about all of this, I apologized for some things, he apologized for some things. Other things were a cause of the situation we've been in. In the meantime, DH is very active in a forum/online game. This doesn't bother me as he's always been involved and its something he enjoys. What DOES bother me is the amount of time he's spending online. And that he's got one particular female friend that he spends that time with. *ding ding ding* While i DO believe him when he says nothing's going on, I don't think it's a coincidence that things took such a downward turn in our relationship when he ramped up the online relationship. The only thing saving his ass here is that she's in Australia. I realize that attractions still happen outside of marriage, that's normal. I can see that he was getting the attention and spark from her that he wasn't getting from me. Plus, found out that she is rather unhappy in her marriage at the moment too. Again, coincidence? I think not. The problem now is that DH can't decide what he wants to do. He doesn't know if he wants to work at our relationship or how to go about it. We are able to talk about things, communicating isn't an issue so much as neither of us knows how to go about recapturing the connection we had and the intimacy. At the moment, he sleeps on the pull-out couch. This came about initially because my joints were so bad that I had to sleep with pillows under both arms and under my knees and there wasn't room for both of us in the bed. Then, he gradually kept going to the pull-out more and more. Now, it's habit. So I go to bed, he gets on the couch with his laptop and chats with his friend for ages, emails her, etc. He's not the type to cheat, in any manner, so I DO believe there is nothing more to it, from his end. I think she is an issue purely because while he's so emotionally invested elsewhere, we can't work on OUR relationship. In the meantime, I'm going to a counsellor for my own sanity. DH isn't comfortably talking to a stranger, he may yet agree to some marriage counselling, I don't know. I guess, from my perspective, it's not a case of falling out of love. The whole spark thing is all hormonal from that rush of a new attraction. So does he just jack in our marriage because he has a little spark elsewhere at the moment? In marriage, the key is moderating those sparks elsewhere and then refocusing on the spark at home! So, how do we work on that spark? How do we move forward instead of being in limbo? If anyone's managed to read this entire thing, you deserve a medal!
Samantha0905 Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 He has to be willing to work on it with you. It sounds like you have had a lot going on and his job is to support you, not retreat to the internet and online female friends. It's so difficult to see a parent die of cancer. I went through the same thing with my mother. Plus, you have two small children -- have coped with depression -- and have RA. That's quite a list of serious issues and I suppose he's using the internet/games as a coping mechanism. Life hands us a lot sometimes. I think you should put your foot down and tell him to go to MC with you because your marriage is worth worth saving. If he refuses, move him further along than the pull out couch. Currently, what he is doing is emotionally abusive. You should take care of yourself. I certainly don't think how the two of you are dealing with things right now is doing anything other than making you feel less connected and intimate.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 You sound like you know all the right things to say in do in your situation; ‘mature, intelligent and well thought out’ is how I would describe your post. Unfortunately he does not sound very mature, nor as intelligent or as level headed as you... The last thing he should be doing is spending all this time online. Also, I don't mean to fill your head with doubt, but at the same time, so much more than just online gaming could be going on. Many people would describe the possibilities as an 'Emotional Affair,' or an, 'Online Affair.' I am wondering if BOTH of you wish to work on rebuilding the connection, the intimacy, and the love you have for one another... Of course the best option is to work on you and yourself; on your ability to be the best you can be in EVERY way, for him and for yourself. However, if I were in your shoes, I would actually request him to end contact with the OW (if she can be considered that), and limit time online gaming to 30 minutes nightly or something like that (other site or time, not the same time or games she is on). IF he honors your request, then the two of you can move forward from there...
giotto Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 I would tell him that you are going back to Canada with both of your children and see if he stops playing/cheating online...
Author letting go Posted February 20, 2010 Author Posted February 20, 2010 I am wondering if BOTH of you wish to work on rebuilding the connection, the intimacy, and the love you have for one another... And that's it, in a nutshell. He can't decide if he wants to work at it. So here we sit, in limbo. I am going to be forcing the marriage counselling though, in my eyes there is no option here. We go. I think there's more mid-life crisis stuff going on with him too and he'd greatly benefit talking to a counsellor but you know the old adage...you can lead a horse to water, can't make them drink. Actions speak louder than words, which is why I'm so conflicted. It's not like we don't enjoy the time we spend together and have been spending MORE time together since this all came about. It all boils down to the intimacy or lack thereof. He thinks its okay to sleep on the pull-out couch, not give me any form of intimate contact bar a hug if *I* initiate it and then try the once-a-week sex thing?!? Ah, it's a tangled web.
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