Cedrick Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I will do my best to be fair and concise - am I being taken for a ride or am I just not self assured enough? 5 month old relationship and it has been rocky - record amount of break ups - I am constantly being accused of being jealous - yes i check out the new friends on facebook - usually single and hot - yes he lists on facebook that he is in a relationship - the photo on facebook he uses is very sexy and shows him in his underwear - i asked him to change it for something more conservative - flat out no - and told to mind my own business - it is his best photo he says - also has the same photo on messenger. I think he is on like 10 sites - has been in adult films he says. After one month we went to Cuba together - he says it was his best vacation ever - I wanted to shoot myself - he likes to drink and is very social and definitely (taurus) needs to be a star and the centre of attention - so i ended up spending my time always with other people and when i complained was told that it is vacation, supposed to have fun, and it was more fun with other people around. Fine - that is true that this can be fun and he did want drinking partners as I am on the wagon - but one of the drinking partners was totally in love with him and they would yack until 2 in the morning and one night went skinny dipping (although supposably the other guy got naked but not him). This led to a break up as I freaked. Just drunken fun per him and maybe he shouldn t have done it. But when drunk he told me i was dull and was generally a jerk. Sex is mediocre - he refuses to call it making love - and doesnt really like to kiss. It is odd - like he was abused but insists that is not the case. I am 12 years older. He says he has never been in love like he is now. We spend every evening together except for one night after a big fight when he had broken up and seeing me at a club he purposefully danced with another guy in front of me and necked with him - now he says that was the most awful thing he has ever done and feels sick about it. Why am I there - obviously he has loads of charm, very cute, and snuggles up to me mostly - and I am dead lonely. Every time I mention anything about his behavious it is a HUGE fight so I just don t talk about it - he says I need to get my jealousy under control and need to see a therapist - he also says he never looks at porn (and I don t care if he does as long as we have a normal sex life) but has pron on his computer - and i know gets tons of messages - with those sexy photos it is only normal - but he insists he really loves me and i should just be more cool. He does alot of nice things but also calls my name and asks for coffee, ice cream, whatever while on the couch. My big fear is that i have not been strong enough character wise from the beginning as I did a big goof up while drunk and yelled at him and then had to beg for him to come back to me. I feel like he is a lsot soul and as he ever so slowly opens up he is more caring but he is very critical of all i do - less so than before - must be a part of his upbringing. I guess I am looking for some guidelines to test him? He is not shy to have a good look at cute guys which bothers the hell out of me as I feel it shows a lack of commitment and is just plain tacky really.
2sunny Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 this seems very off balance as far as a healthy relationship. i can't tell if you are two men or a man and woman... doesn't make any difference though... it all seems like too much drama.
soulm8 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 It sounds to me like he is NOT the man for you. He does not respect you or your feelings. You are not compatible. There is no need to "test" him. Move on with your life and find the love you deserve.
boogieboy Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Youre not supposed to have this many problems 5 months in. Get rid of him and go find a guy that doesnt need so much attention.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I don't think the two of you are compatible and the situation is not good for you if you want to maintain your sobriety. It seems very one-sided. He seldom expresses that he cares for you in his words or actions. He kind of sounds like a user. Does he live with you?
Author Cedrick Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 He was living with me but Moved him out. Tonight I popped by to see him as he was going to go to Italy with me as I have to do biz there and he was on the web checking out the hot bars first thing he has looked at I just feel totally discouraged
clueless24 Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 He doesn't seem committed at all =(. I hope you find someone more devoted and who cares for you =)
paddington bear Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Here are my thoughts on this: 5 month old relationship and it has been rocky - record amount of break ups 5 months and record amount of breakups, big, red, flag, yes, it might indicate passion and heightened emotions, but it also indicates instability so soon into your relationship. I am constantly being accused of being jealous And you are...but with good reason. You yourself have described him as being outgoing and wanting to be the centre of attention. He does want to be the centre of attention, but for you to be ok with that. You're not. Either he changes this aspect of his personality, or you somehow become ok with his antics, this will always be an issue between you. he says it was his best vacation ever - I wanted to shoot myself How nice that he had a nice holiday. Did it even occur to him that you were miserable. If it did occur, did he care or were you accused of being jealous or boring because you're on the wagon? doesnt really like to kiss. It is odd Some people don't...however, could be the porn movies he was in, getting used to having sex without any kind of intimacy whatsoever that he's not able to now, even with someone he claims to care about. My big fear is that i have not been strong enough character wise from the beginning as I did a big goof up while drunk and yelled at him and then had to beg for him to come back to me. I don't think you are. Him sitting on the couch ordering you to get him this, that and the other would also indicate this. He knows he can walk all over you. Simply put, as soon as you stop letting him do that, he'll be gone. This is nice set up for him, but it's hurting you. I feel like he is a lsot soul and as he ever so slowly opens up he is more caring but he is very critical of all i do He probably is a lost soul, but you sound a bit co-dependent, trying to make him open up, putting up with his behaviour because you care and want to help him, want him to figure out how to be intimate and caring with you (I've been there myself). Meanwhile he carries on as he pleases with no regard to you or your feelings. In short, to answer your question, I don't think he is the man for you. I have a friend who sounds rather like your boyfriend, the sexy shots in the underwear on facebook and every other site, the gazzillion, always hot friends contacting him...but...he is single. Having said that, I'm not sure he'd want to stop getting all that attention even if he was in a relationship, which sounds like the case with your guy. You sound decent and nice and normal, and I think you deserve better treatment than this.
Author Cedrick Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Thanks so much for the advice - I realize that I am being a wimp at this time and letting myself be completely manipulated. How did this all happen ? - I guess I am a bit less confident and lonely at this point in my life than I suspected and have been latched on to by someone who is really good at this game. I was upset that he was checking out all the bars in Italy before anything else and was all excited about how many there are - and he blew a fuse - for almost two days now he is pissed - that I am so insecure that he can t even check out the bars - and has decided not to go as I will just make it a miserable experience. Maybe he is right - it will be miserable as I will be working my butt off and he will be drinking and checking out the boys - he is not a cheater in the physical sense of the word - but on the emotional level - he is just not available for monogamy or commitment. I know this is all so wrong - just have to get my act together because right now I am in that non stop sick to my stomach phase whenever he is upset with me - and do just about anything to get him back - totally avoiding the pain pill I need to swallow - any advice for that?
paddington bear Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Thanks so much for the advice - I realize that I am being a wimp at this time and letting myself be completely manipulated. How did this all happen ? - I guess I am a bit less confident and lonely at this point in my life than I suspected and have been latched on to by someone who is really good at this game. I was upset that he was checking out all the bars in Italy before anything else and was all excited about how many there are - and he blew a fuse - for almost two days now he is pissed - that I am so insecure that he can t even check out the bars - and has decided not to go as I will just make it a miserable experience. Maybe he is right - it will be miserable as I will be working my butt off and he will be drinking and checking out the boys - he is not a cheater in the physical sense of the word - but on the emotional level - he is just not available for monogamy or commitment. I know this is all so wrong - just have to get my act together because right now I am in that non stop sick to my stomach phase whenever he is upset with me - and do just about anything to get him back - totally avoiding the pain pill I need to swallow - any advice for that? I find that the more I think about the bad things, the more I get distanced from the person and eventually the emotional shutters come down and suddenly I just don't care any more and it's not so painful then (but this can take a long time). However, it's probably going to hurt whether you do something now or later. Perhaps you should focus not on him and your relationship, but on building your confidence and self-esteem. When you already feel pretty battered down in your emotional life it's hard to voluntarily make yourself feel worse by leaving someone. Try your best to surround yourself with good, positive people who see you in a good light, read some books on this stuff, whatever works for you. Only when you yourself see yourself as worth something, you won't feel such a keen sense of loss. Best of luck
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