aimchase Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 The ex sent me this email ten days ago after I said there was too much messing around: "I dont know where I am going right now, I'm confused and dont know what to think half the time. I dont know whether I miss you or if I am just lonely. Its hard to say at the moment. But I understand you need to have clarity. The truth is I just dont know whats happening in my head with regards to our relationship. I still love you and its hard to say goodbye when you go to work" The going to work bit refers to when I stayed over on a couple of occasions. Does that sound like a headf**k to keep me on a string, a lame excuse, or a genuine uncertainty? The 180 continues whatever (I hadn't started it until after this mail). It appears that i've asked her to come back or something from what she wrote, but I hadn't. Maybe a degree of showing some control?
LisaUk Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 It could be either, she could genuninely not know what she wants, or she could be cake eating, keeping you as back up but either way she is keeping you hanging isn't she? Why is it that the leavers always think it's just their decision? They don't see anything wrong in that, yet they made vows to be with you as one, a union, these things are supposed to be worked through together. You're in the UK, maybe you saw the news report the other night, with the couple celebrating their 70th wedding anniversary? When asked what their secret was the aife replied "you don't just pack your bags when things get tough, when you have a row, you work these things out, together". That's the secret right there, there is no right or worng person, no one is perfect, it is the measure of yourself how you choose to deal with the situation. They always forget they loved the person enough to marry them. Anyway I digress,, sorry having a tough time at the moment. It could be either, but all I can say is if you have more sense and strength than me you will not allow her to control what happens, but take your life by both hands and do what you want. If she wants you back, she will let you know in no uncertain terms, believe that, b/c wouldn't you do anything to get her back right now?
alphamale Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 It appears that i've asked her to come back or something from what she wrote, but I hadn't. Maybe a degree of showing some control? you should implement strict NC for a few weeks and see what she does - and why are you messing around with an ex anyways?
hopesndreams Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Does that sound like a headf**k to keep me on a string, There's your answer.
jesslindy Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 If I'm not mistaken from your other thread, haven't you already made up your mind?? IN FOR A PENNY, IN FOR A POUND. Keep on the track you were on last week Aim.
jesslindy Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Sorry aim, Just reread your other thread. Do you want your wife back???
Author aimchase Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Thanks to all of you. Do I want her back? Heart says yes, head says no. The problem is that whilst writing this there is still an OM which she sees regularly although she swears blind it's platonic and they've never been intimate. For anyone looking from an outside perspective, they would honestly say 'move on'. She is a compulsive liar (she will lie about absolutely anything), is hugely manipulative, a drama queen, massive attention seeker, and from the past year I just could not trust her. So now you'll all be thinking 'well you've said it! Get the hell out of there!'. On the flip side though, she's the mother of my kids (and a very good mother to them), but also, we had so many years when she was a really good partner. This whole character change started after our second child was born - she went distant, lost a massive amount of weight, got in massive debt etc, and was constantly trying to cover her tracks. A part of me thinks she's in a really sad place at the moment and is still mentally ill. She's always suffered from depressionbut the behaviour has just blown out of the water in the past 18 months or so. Forages therefore I put it down to Post Natal Depression or a product from it. She even overdosed a few months after the second birth, after me finding her engaging in EA's online. She's now constantly on dating sites, seeking the next man. She won't EVER stop and think, or even try to address the issues. She will just run. Because if you run, you don't have to face anything, you just put it behind you and it's gone. It's no route to happiness or development though. I couldn't go back to her in her present position, but I guess a part of me would just love to see a rational person appear once more. The 180 has continued and is great, because it is the answer whether I want her back or not and in the process, i'm coming to terms with what I want. It's having an effect of some sorts. I just picked up the children, to which she let the children out of her door. I put them in my car, then she came with their bags. I was very spritely with the children and when she gave the bags I was polite. She did not say one word though and she didn't even once look me in the eye. She just gave the bags, waved to the children, and walked away. That's no doubt because i've not been responsive to her all week.
Gunny376 Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 It were me I'd slap her with the 'D' papers so fast it'd make her head swim. I'd go for everything full custody,child support, the works. Take a fool's adivce and save yourself years of misery!
Author aimchase Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Gunny - I did start a custody battle but over the course of time came to realise a few things. She is very good with the kids and looks after them well. They're settled with her and in all honesty, i'm one of those guys who hasn't anywhere near the domestic skills or routine that she has. Courts will always favour the mother unless something seriously untoward can be identified. Yes, she's a bit strange mentally, but they would see that the kids are doing well and tbh, I think under current judicial system she would win, purely because she's the mom and would maintain the status quo. Divorce is another issue though and is one which i'm thinking of. That said, I want to be 100% sure it's what I want before doing so. It can't be a point scorer, it's got to be a definite decision. If she files in the meantime, as she may, i'll just sign it. That would make life easier as I wouldn't have to ponder anymore. My summary to my lawyer was that my concern was not how she looks after the kids, but how she looks after herself. What does give me a little concern though is that if irrational behaviour is observed by the children in the future (even if something like dramatisation), they may observe and take it on to be the norm. I therefore need to be close to the children, supportive, and a role model. If I lost a custody battle, the ex would just shun me out of resentment and would no doubt cause a problem in my relationship with the children. I wouldn't want that and it's not something i'm prepared to risk. The decision was well thought out and with the children put first. Back to the ex, I don't see a future with her at this moment in time, and am doing pretty well enjoying life without her. Evening's are the worst time as i'm on my own, but even after seeing her tonight I just looked and thought, 'naaahhh'.
jesslindy Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Aim, IMO, you do not have to be sure about what you want as far as divorce to file. You should do it anyway, in the terms of wanting your wife back, it would set the reality for her. Either way it's not done til its done. Tough Love is your only option. Create the reality.
You Go Girl Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 You slept over a few nights? You can't play it both ways--hot and cold. She'll feel you were using her for sex, and I hope that's not the case, or the whole mess will become a roller coaster of hot and cold--that's no good. So...decide how you are going to be. Fight the good fight to save it if that's what you want--and don't alter your course until she says take a hike. Or...let her go.
Author aimchase Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 You Go, I appreciate your comments but you have a slightly misinterpreted viewpoint. I had always been quite clear in that I felt considering we had two young children, it was always worth giving it a concerted effort to reconcile. At the same time, the ex was too busy enjoying her freedom, which is her choice. However, she would still come to me for the sympathy and assistance she needed when her other friends weren't around. The reason I stayed over a few nights was because she'd asked me about getting back together again. Then, after a few stays, she went cold again. I certainly wasn't using her for sex. In fact, on the first night I stayed it was her who approached me for sex. Anyway, the update. I saw my solicitor regarding a D and was advised that considering she was a non working mother, and I was in full time employment, it would cost her nothing to proceed yet would cost me thousands (which I don't have). I was therefore advised to let HER initiate the divorce proceedings. It was also advised that it doesn't matter who divorces who, nobody cares, and it doesn't affect any rights with the children in the future. So I visited the ex yesterday and pleasantly explained what my solicitor said. I then asked her to initiate the proceedings as soon as possible. She agreed with this and said that 'too much has happened since we split', and she is right. However, I note that each time she spoke of us not being able to reconcile, on each occasion she commented 'at the moment', suggesting that she had some kind of hope that we'd become united again in the future. I found that odd. Didn't speak today but she sent me a text message which appeared to have no real reason to communicate, and said that she hoped I was ok. Not sure if that's the realisation of my request getting to her, or she's just trying to be pleasant as we part.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 She's like one of those peope that do things and hope the person s on the receiving end is ok. Good lord why do you put up with such blatant disrespect. She needs her head examined but it will be probably after a long time when you are serious about someone else. Just look after you kids and ignore her if you receive anything else about her. She's an idiot.
Author aimchase Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 Chrome, Just the sort of comment I need to hear. Thanks buddy In fact, i'm going to print that off and have it to hand with me, then every time she contacts me read it as a reminder!
hopesndreams Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 You slept over a few nights? You can't play it both ways--hot and cold. She'll feel you were using her for sex, and I hope that's not the case, or the whole mess will become a roller coaster of hot and cold--that's no good. So...decide how you are going to be. Fight the good fight to save it if that's what you want--and don't alter your course until she says take a hike. Or...let her go. Think before you type next time.
You Go Girl Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Think before you type next time. Don't you dare accuse me of not thinking before I type. How arrogant. I don't know the entire story--I haven't read the other threads by aim. All I know is what I read from this thread. My point was that on again off again intimate relations really mess with everybody's head. Everybody becomes confused! It's like saying--we've still got it, but we're going to let it go anyway. But mostly it is heart breaking to continue to share that very special connection, then cut it off again, then reconnect again. I can't think of a more slow painful death of a relationship. Aim--for what it's worth if I've lost credibility on your thread--I think her text was completely sincere. Still doesn't mean that she's healthy for you (or herself) though, sincere or not. She needs an awakening of what is important to her and what she values--sounds like that awakening will come too late.
Author aimchase Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 You haven't lost credibility. You expressed a viewpoint, that's what this forum is all about. It doesn't have to agree with everybody else. But if there's any mind games going on it was her. She's the one who had the OM, she's the one that lives on dating sites, she's the one that gets explicit with strangers on MSN. Then she runs to me for chats when she wants the security. Anyway, I happen to be in conversation with a really nice girl that I dated about seven years ago at the moment. We didn't really go beyond a few dates as circumstances made it awkward, but she's expressing an interest and i'm reciprocating. Watch this space........
carhill Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 OP, if the 'really nice girl' is relationship material (you know what I mean), I'd suggest keeping a bit of emotional distance, since you've got a lot on your plate right now. Perhaps stay in touch, but don't date or use her for validation or as a therapist/crutch during your difficult marital circumstances. As to the e-mail in your OP, just accept it as the electrons it is. If she was willing to really work on things, there would be real-life proactive steps. That dearth is a message. Accept it. BTW, lack of domestic acumen doesn't in any way relate to being a loving and active father and male role model. You can learn or get help with domestic stuff. You only get one chance, if you're lucky, at fatherhood. Make the most of it.
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