Can't move past the BIG mistake

[DudeMan27]

The one big, humiliating mistake and it is mentally wearing down every fiber of my being. To keep it as short as possible, I hadn't dated or slept with anyone for over 2 years before I met my ex. Same with her. She was great. Beautiful, outgoing, great job, confident, it took about 5 seconds for people she met to really like her. I'm 27 now been broken up for 11 months. When we first started to have sex there were times where I couldn't keep it up or wouldn't feel anything. Since it wasn't a problem in other areas I took that as I just need to relax and get my confidence up. I did that a few times, but every once in a while that would happen again.

 

Being already self-conscious, it really took a hit on me. I shyed away from intimacy. No matter how bad I wanted her, I would work around it because I was afraid it would happen again and ruin the mood. For many months we just messed around without the actual intercourse. Months past and I final brought it up. She was COMPLETELY supportive and gave her ideas what could be wrong, mainly i just needed to "get out of my own head" She offered to even go to the doctors with me. Well I was so embarrased and self conscious I didnt even want to tell a doctor. Just the thought of how embarrassing not being able to keep an erection was, but also knew it would hurt our relationship and my head was just spinning. I put it off even more until finally I saw it wearing on her. I went to the Dr. The days leading up I was a mess because I was afraid to bring it up. I had another small condition at the time and thought he was going to refer me to someone, which I was going to tell THAT doctor about it, not my PCP. Well he didnt, and I didnt bring it up to him. My ex was sooo hurt. She couldn't begin to think how I can see it hurting her and hurting our relationship and not push the issue with my doc.

 

I made another appt a month later and he gave me some pills to use. He said he was certain it was all mental, as was I. But by then, my girl was so frustrated she was almost gone. I never even got to use them with her. Because of my self esteem issues, I shy'ed away from sex, our chemistry suffered and she no longer felt the same.

 

Now I have to live with this embarrassing regret. We didnt fight. I wasn't cheated on. I was left because I couldnt have sex with a hot girl with a great body. She didnt date for like 6 months after we broke up. So it wasnt like she screwed me over or something. I messed this up. Now the next guy she sleeps with, or has, will always be better and more fun than I was. Thats humiliating. Everytime I see a ED drug commercial or my friends mention something about having sex with their gf's I want to cry, because I couldn't do that. I am miserable now. I wake up EVERY single morning thinking if I had just swallowed my self-esteem issues, as tough as it would be, we'd be celebrating 2 years togther now. I feel like I just handed her over to the next guy. Now he's traveling the world with her instead of me. He's apart of her great family. And I'm alone and absolutely miserable. All because of sex.

 

I never had that problem before. In college I dated a girl for almost 3 years and the sex was great. I was creative, fun, good in the bedroom. I have no idea what happend to me with my ex. No idea. Now this girl who once was absolutely crazy about me, will look back as the guy she dated for a year, and our relationship was awkward due to not having alot of sex. I could kill myself for being so embarrassed. She was SO SUPPORTIVE. Why couldn't I just relax and lean on her support? I've read on here and other sites how guys had my performance problems, got the pill and it saved their relationship. I dont know why I wasn't willing to do whatever it took to save mine. I wake up everyday with the same thought, If I had only gone to the doctor, she'd be here as I wake up. This is so, so difficult to get past

[starwolf242]

Dudeman, don't dwell on this. If it was all mental to begin with, dwelling on it now and regretting can hardly be helpful! Personally, I think she should've given it a bit more time with you. Something like that is undoubtedly difficult for you to openly address and she should've understood that. Sex isn't the be all and end all and she should've been less selfish and realise your reluctance was nothing to do with her but everything to do with your embarrassment.

 

Trust me, try not to stew over it because that may cause similar problems in your next relationship. You sound like a lovely guy and it would be a shame for this difficult time and slightly impatient ex to make you doubt yourself and your abilities in the future. Put it all behind you. New relationship new start.

[sean1970]

I could kill myself for being so embarrassed. She was SO SUPPORTIVE.

 

I feel for you man... really... I think every guy <raises hand> has had this issue at one point or another.

 

There are very few things that will cripple a man more than not being able to 'perform' and the omnipresent feeling that she would leave you over it could only have exacerbated the situation.

 

That said, how 'supportive' could this woman really have been if she left you over it? Let's assume for a moment that it was physical and not treatable; would she have left you then? There are other ways to have 'fun' that don't involve intercourse... ones that could have built your confidence and trust back up (yes trust).

 

Did you really lose a life partner? Someone who would have stood by you no matter what?

 

Im sure you have done your share of research on the issues but... http://www.head-cleaners.com/perfsex.html

Edited February 18, 2010 by sean1970

[GrayClouds]

Well you can focus on it, make yourself feel worst, and create bigger issues in the future or;

 

You can focus on you. Start doing something that will make you feel good about yourself overall. Hit the gym or the streets and start exercising, join a class and start a hobby to peruse something you have always been interested, teach yourself something new, like how to be a great cook. Hang out with friends and family. Focus on getting yourself physically and mentally strong that will go along way to help you move past.

 

As your doing that maybe work with a professional to understand why emotionally you had such a difficult time accepting her support. I suspect as you figure that out the other problem will take care of itself.

 

Be proactive in taking care of yourself.

 

 

.

Edited February 18, 2010 by GrayClouds

[DudeMan27]

Thank you everyone for the advice and encouragement. In a way, I know I need not dwell on this. Maybe if a fight caused the breakup, or I lied to her about something, I could handle it more. But I let something so personal, and so treatable and avoidable destroy a fantastic relationship.

 

Please make no mistake, I do not blame her. She was as patient as she could be. It was months. She offered to go with me for support, she would ask me weekly if I had made an appointment, and was very open abuot her feelings on the whole issue. I just put it off so long, she had had it. She said it wasnt about the sex. It was the way I saw it hurting her, and how I even admitted I knew it hurts relationships, but I still put off doing anything about it. I think thats what did it. No matter what she said to me, due to my self-esteem and embarrassment, I was convinced she was only being supportive to be nice. And in her head she was thinking "why me, why does it have to be my boyfriend with this problem" Now in hindsight, and reading other message boards on the topic, it wasnt that big of a deal to her. She cared about me and just wanted to be with me, just want to help our relationship. And I did nothing.

 

I try not to dwell on it. I was pretty okay last summer. But almost a year later I've come to terms with how bad my life it. A year ago this time, I was in shape, had a good job, a beautiful trustworthy woman, had plans to drive to different countries with her, had a fun life with something going on (dinners, parties, games, etc) nearly everynight. A year later I'm laid off, gained some weight, my friends are mostly settled down and never want to leave the house, not to mention my hair has thinned considerably due to the stress of the breakup. I'm alone most nights and sometimes just drive to a store just to walk around for smoething to do. All this because I was too embarrassed to tell a DOCTOR, a man who has heard 100X worse than my problem, what was going on with me. I should have been willing to do anything to save my relationship. But I wasnt. Yes there are more woman out there, yes I am young, but I've never felt before like I do now. That I screwed up my life. She made it better in every way. She opened my eyes to so many new places and things and people. I really needed her. I have had my heartbroken in the past terribly, and I felt like she was that sunshine after the storm. I felt like I finally got the life and the girl that I had comming to me after so much heartbreak early in my life. But one mistake and it blew up in my face. Now I am miserable. My biggest fear growing up was there being a scenerio in my life that I would look back on and say "that was the biggest mistake I ever made" I can't believe its actually happening.

[starwolf242]

Dudeman, you can't blame yourself for this. It wasn't something you chose and tbh although i understand why you feel like you didn't do everything you could to save the relationship you had a much bigger worry on your hands. Out of interest how old are you?

 

She may have asked constantly if you made appointments and offered to go with you but did she ever consider it might be really difficult for you to flat out address the issue? Did she do anything to try and coax you into seeking help? If I was her I would've understood that it was difficult and scary and embarrassing for you to talk about. I would've talked to drs myself and sought advice on your behalf. I would've found places like this so you could see that it's not an uncommon problem and really isn't worth kicking yourself over forever. All you needed from her was reassurance that she would stand by you while you BOTH went through this and a little gentle encouragement to make steps towards sorting it out.

 

Honestly, while kicking yourself you may think she was really patient and supportive but it doesn't sound to me like she saw this as a problem to tackle together. She saw it as your problem, and because you were reluctant to sort it out alone, decided you didn't feel the relationship was worth fighting for and bailed. Bad form if you ask me.

 

As for the unfortunate turn of events in the last year, I'm very sorry for that. Towards the end of last year everything for me seemed to be spiralling out of control and then the man i thought loved me left me on top of all the crap I was dealing with and I seriously thought I'd never get my head above water. But what I've learnt from reading posts on here is that YOU have the power over your reality. When everything is going badly it's easy for us to connect happiness to our exes and then we need them in our lives so we can be happy. It's not true. All you need in life is you and commitment to get what you think will make you happy. Are you willing to make changes in your life to make you happy or are you committed? Look at it like this, in order to get a plate of bacon and eggs, the hen must be willing but the pig is committed.

I found it helped me to imagine I had lost my memory. My ex and all the time we spent together was completely forgotten. All I know is my situation now. It’s a clean slate. Who are you? Who do you want to be? What do you want to do? No limitations such as money or knowledge etc. You can do or be anything you want (but be realistic i.e you can’t be an Olympic gymnast... I assume?!). So what is it? Then you have your starting point A (where you are now) and your finishing point B (where you want to be). So now you need to find all the stepping stones to get you from A to B.

I constantly worry that I’ll never find anyone to love me and that I’ll grow old alone. Being a romantic all I’ve ever wanted was to meet my special someone and settle down. But I want to be worthy of that special someone which is why everyone on here says focus on you! At the minute I get the feeling you think you’ve got nothing to offer a woman as a result of this experience and the unwelcome changes in your life. So if that’s the way you’re thinking and feeling, that’s the reality you’ll be living. So, stop all the negative thoughts, look at the clean slate that has become your life and make your future something you want and something you can be proud of and something that you can eventually share with a woman worthy of you!

Trust me, I know what it feels like to think you’ve lost the person you saw yourself spending forever with and easy to blame yourself completely for them leaving. You start to think you weren’t good enough for them and that the person they are with now is so much better looking, intelligent, fun... better in bed etc and that’s why they left and they aren’t coming back. I’m not going to lie, I want my ex to come back but he may not. So if I wasn’t good enough for him, I shall make myself better and either he’ll see the changes and the confidence that I had when we first got together or someone else will. The key is to be happy with who you are and your life. Once you’re happy in yourself and realise you have a lot to offer and you are good enough for whoever you choose to be with, the right person has a way of tracking you down.

I was in that stage when I first met my ex. I knew who I was, where I was going and was focussed on me, not looking for someone and then there he was. My first love. When he left I was at a loss. I didn’t know what I wanted my whole life had become about him. So I have to get back in touch with me. You do too.

Sorry for the essay but I hope I’ve helped a bit?