slim255 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Hi have been in a long distance relationship for a month now, she lives 3.5 hours drive from me She is friends with an ex shag buddy, they were shagging just under two years ago for four months I believe, reason it didn’t go any further is he didn’t want a relationship with someone that has kids. So lastnight I was talking on the phone to her and she said he was coming around for a visit, I told her I wasn’t very comfortable with that, she said she wouldn’t invite him around again if it makes me feel that way. I have met him before, he seems like a nice guy, apparently he has a girlfriend. Was I over reacting, should I have felt fine about it? Thanks
oneheart Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I would advise at this stage if she is offering to cut ties with him then go ahead and do it and you will never have to worry about it again. I am in a really terrible place with my current bf of 2 years over his ex/FWB of 10 years. You can read my thread if you like and see what kind of things you may end up feeling if you are the type of person who does not appreciate ex's hanging around. Take her up on it I say if you would really rather he wasn't there. It doesn't sound like it's a big sacrifice for her. My post is http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t221501/ titled Can I ask him to set boundaries with his ex... might just be an insight to possible future problems! But then again.. maybe it's not!
soulm8 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 (edited) Hi have been in a long distance relationship for a month now, she lives 3.5 hours drive from me. She is friends with an ex shag buddy, they were shagging just under two years ago for four months I believe, reason it didn’t go any further is he didn’t want a relationship with someone that has kids. So lastnight I was talking on the phone to her and she said he was coming around for a visit, I told her I wasn’t very comfortable with that, she said she wouldn’t invite him around again if it makes me feel that way. I have met him before, he seems like a nice guy, apparently he has a girlfriend. Was I over reacting, should I have felt fine about it? No, you did not over react. I tend to stay in touch with a few of my ex's because of my personality, and ability to be strictly platonic with them - but my contact with them is mostly via email, not face to face. When I'm in a relationship - I have no desire to visit ex's. The red flags in your situation, as I see them: - She immediately agreed to simply not invite him around again. To me, that is suspicious. If their "friendship" is platonic, she would've assured you of her faithfulness to you. It's an assumption on my part, but being 3.5 hours away from you could very well make it easy for her to deceive you. - What has changed from the time they were shagging? Nothing... except you now being in the picture. Why wouldn't they be shagging? Her situation is still the same from his perspective - she was always just a shag to him... so why keep in touch?? Why would your girlfriend invite him over in the first place? What vibes did you feel when you met him before? How often do these two visit? Why does he visit if he's got a gf and she's got you? It smells fishy... Edited February 18, 2010 by soulm8
neowulf Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Just to throw a different prespective on the situation, I've maintained friendships with a few ex's and people appear to miss one important fact. My ex's and I were great friends as well as lovers. When the relationship failed, it doesn't always mean that you end up hating each other. I have no desire what so ever to go back in time and try and "rekindle" anything with any of my ex's. That ship has sailed. However, I miss their friendship and perspective on things. Good friends are *hard* to find. I'm willing to let the sexual side of the relationship go if it means I get to keep the friendship. Of course, much like the OP in this post... people often have trouble believing me.
OnlyJake Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 - What has changed from the time they were shagging? Nothing... except you now being in the picture. Why wouldn't they be shagging? Her situation is still the same from his perspective - she was always just a shag to him... so why keep in touch?? This. I think it's pretty key that they were never even in a relationship, and the reason they stopped seeing each other is because she wanted more from him.
Author slim255 Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 Hi again, God what a drama girls can make things into, this girl is my older sisters best friend so I sorta get an insight into her a bit better. The girl im seeing and my sister have both told me that she doesnt know what she saw in him two years ago, she doesnt find him attractive anymore and hes more like a brother. Anyway, to the point. she doesnt want to be the one that has to change everything she wants me to work out why im uncomfortable with her seeing him, what my feelings are behind it so we can work on it. She wonders if I got to know him better id realize theres nothing there. Heck she thinks way way to much.
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