Bgirl Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Hello Guys, I have a quick question, I was a dating a guy for about 2.5 months now and we were not exclusive yet but and he knew I wanted more when we had our "what are we talk". So he said to me that he wants to go slow and give it time , and our meetings were fantastic but I would always bring up the topic as he wouldnt dedicate enough time to me sometimes. I just found ou tlast night through a social network account he has that he has been dating another girl at the same time, and by the looks of it he has bene with her for about 6 months now. So I don't know how to bring this up to the guy as we were not exclusive but he would constantly promise to me that he was working on us and that with time we can be together.. in this sense I feel betrayed because by the looks of it he was all over thsi girl as well. Its ok to not be exclusive but to be honest to other parties about it, but I felt he was actually leading me on by telling me he had feelings for me that he wanted to work on "us". Does he have any cards on his side because he told me we werent exclusive...I want to make sure Im in my right of asking for respect because right now I just feel used.
DustySaltus Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Are you sure he is just "seeing" this other girl for 6 months as well or are they in a relationship? Let's put it this way, if he's doing the same thing with the other girl you have at least a few more months of the same behavior. Most guys won't initiate the talk. They'll try to squeeze as much time out of it as possible without being "exclusive". Then when "the talk" occurs he'll tell you what he said above. A few more months will go by and you will probably have "the ultimatium talk" with him and then he will either bail or become exclusive....although most men don't respond well to ultimatiums. It sucks but that's how the story usually goes. Two months is long enough to build up enough an attraction to become exclusive if you really want that. It doesn't seem like he does. The question is whether or not you are ok with that? Because you can go and see what's out there as well anytime you want.
make me believe Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Sorry girl, but since he told you you guys aren't exclusive, technically he hasn't done anything wrong. It's a bit shady to not mention the other girl at all, but if a guy is saying he doesn't want to be exclusive, you should assume he's seeing other girls as well. It sounds like he wants to keep his options open. If you want a committed relationship, this isn't the guy for you. The right guy will know after 2.5 months that he wants to be with you.
Author Bgirl Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 (edited) @DustySaltus - Well im not ok with that arrangement as I know I need and give 100% to the person I'm dating. I don't believe he can concentrate on two girls at once specially when it has bene 2.5 with me and about 6 months with her...I said I don't think they b/f g/f because she has put her status as "single" .. but I cant rely 100% on that. @makemebelieve I understand that when a relationship is not exclusive you run the risk and should assume that they are seeing other people... but there should be a line drawn between " getting to know someone " at the early stages of dating and leading someone on with the hopes of a relationship when you have TWO girls investing feelings in you . How can you assume it is still ok to sleep with two girls at once, introduce them to the same friends, and make promises of a relationship to me because he wants to be with me and work on us when he is leading someone else on ..? You get my point...? I assume responsability for not taking care of my self and investigating more.. although I did ask him are you seeing someone else and he said "Im a really busy guy, i have lots to do, in my spare time I want to share my time with someome like you, im not seeing anyone else" and besides that all the times he told me that he had feelings for me and he was investing ALL his time and attention.... AT one point I wanted to "brake it off" because I told him that I wasnr happy with certain things he was doing , like his flakiness etc ( it can be explained now ) and I otld him I was looking for a relationship, he knew we had differnet expectations and yet when I tried to back off he came FULL ON insisting in us giving it time , giving it a shot because he wants to work on us so we can be together, that what we have is wonderful and he wants to make it grow. I tried to maintain my position and even told him , as Im not what you are looking for and we have differnt expectations you are more then free to try out other people but this isnt making me happy. His repsonse was" No I dont want anyone else, I want you and I just want to go slow that is all" Just because you are exclusive that doesnt give you the right to have a hidden agenda and play with people's feelings. Its ok to casually hang out , have fun and ge tot know each other .. but when you make promises of love to two people.. what do you call that ? Someone correct me if im wrong.. but at this point I feel a lot of dissapointment and anger toward him. Edited February 18, 2010 by Bgirl
DustySaltus Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Well, if he did say those things that changes everything. You definetly have a right to be angry because he's leading you on. Do you have any idea about his past relationships? Because if he got screwed in the past, it could have changed his outlook on things. Either way, I think at this point you know what you need to do.
and.then.some Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 I would probably drop that one like a hot potato. Whether he's "confused" or just feeling you both out, or any other nicer thing we could assume, the fact remains that he's what I would call a liar. I've multidated plenty of times, and I've always let all involved parties know that I was dating. To tell someone that you're trying to work out other areas of your life in order to make more time for them, omitting any other lovers etc, is grossly misleading, and could even imply some level of exclusivity, even if you haven't officially declared a monogamous relationship. I wouldn't trust it. The only reason I would even mention it would be to explain to him why I'm walking away.
SarahRose Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Stop sleeping with him and see how long he sticks around. He is just playing games with you. Move on.
Author Bgirl Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Thanks for your replies - I did bring the topic up and he got really mad at me for asking about his whereabouts and he told me that I know nothing and have no right on his private life. He just said that the girl was a friend and he didnt have to explain anything else to me. Then he said he had to go and he will talk to me when we see each other next.In summary, he didnt even let me talk. I'm in awe..I can't believe I have been used for sex and badly misled. Again, I repeat he was very very angry when I talked to him..I dont want to talk to hi again but I feel like I want to crush him!!
and.then.some Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Thanks for your replies - I did bring the topic up and he got really mad at me for asking about his whereabouts and he told me that I know nothing and have no right on his private life. He just said that the girl was a friend and he didnt have to explain anything else to me. Then he said he had to go and he will talk to me when we see each other next.In summary, he didnt even let me talk. I'm in awe..I can't believe I have been used for sex and badly misled. Again, I repeat he was very very angry when I talked to him..I dont want to talk to hi again but I feel like I want to crush him!! Ouch! That's tough! Sorry, BGirl. "No right to my private life" says it all. Assuming you didn't snap at him, most people would being more interested in soothing the concerns than being defensive if they cared and were being up front. Drop that loser and don't look back. No man who has to lie to "get some" is worth losing any sleep over.
SuburbanOblivion Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Thanks for your replies - I did bring the topic up and he got really mad at me for asking about his whereabouts and he told me that I know nothing and have no right on his private life. He just said that the girl was a friend and he didnt have to explain anything else to me. Then he said he had to go and he will talk to me when we see each other next.In summary, he didnt even let me talk. I'm in awe..I can't believe I have been used for sex and badly misled. Again, I repeat he was very very angry when I talked to him..I dont want to talk to hi again but I feel like I want to crush him!! I don't mean this as harsh as it will sound, but it needs to be said. He didn't use you for sex, you were just way too quick to put out. The guy was very clear that he wasn't ready to be exclusive. The opposite of an exclusive relationship(and thus the assumption) is that he would be dating other people. Why would you hear that and think he is someone you would want to have sex with?? Sleeping with a guy will not make him want to be with you, it just makes him lose respect for you in situations like these, crossing you off even the 'potential girlfriend' list. I'm sorry he hurt you by leading you on, because he did, but he couldn't have 'used you' for sex if you hadn't been so quick to offer it. Let this be a life lesson for you, keep your heart and your goods a little more closely guarded next time ((Hugs))
Author Bgirl Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Interesting point.. he took something that I gave him in the first place, that's why I said earlier in my post that I do take responsability for not taking care of myself a bit more. But there had to be a reason to lead me on right? And that is sex...this is why I say that I feel used. Because if I decided to give it to him is because of the things I was being told. So there is a lesson to be learned and it is to not sleep with anyone until you are exclusive. But the hurt is still there as I feel I was lied to for the purpouse of sleeping with me. Would he have been more clear about his intentions, I would have known better to run in the opposite direction: - I asked him are you single right now - YES - Is this a casua relatipnship - NO - I want out becuase we dont have the same expectations - I want to work things out between us. - You can go and date other girls since we are not on the same page - No I dont want other girls becuase you and I have something special and we are alike in many ways. I know we wernt exclusive , I know.. but everything led me to think that he wasnt seeing anyone else as he "was putting so much effort to make us work but other circumstances in my lif dont allow it , but give us time" And I just think, what about the other girl? Why is her facebook all about him .. He is lying to her as well.
gemgirl Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 If I were you I would either A. Drop him like it's hot. or B. I would not even engage in the conversation of "don't we have something special". If he was drawn to you he would only be thinking of you. I guess both A and B end up in dropping him. So I would try to think more about yourself and move on and see what happens. Show less interest in him and more interest in yourself. He certainly is. I am telling you, this works! Be confident and independent. It drives men wild. You are in control of your own life so work it girl!
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