blind_otter Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 If you have suffered a loss recently - death of a loved one, end of longterm relationship, miscarriage, that sort of thing - are there certain behavioral expectations that you should follow? Is it OK for someone to tell you that you are not acting right while you are grieving, if you tend to retreat to your cave to lick your wounds alone? Is it OK for someone to be angry that you push them away when you are grieving that loss? What does it mean to allow someone to grieve? Does that mean you tolerate them being snippy to you and short-tempered in the days immediately following their loss? Or should you always be minding your p's and q's, even when you are trudging through a dark place?
GrayClouds Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 If you have suffered a loss recently - death of a loved one, end of longterm relationship, miscarriage, that sort of thing - are there certain behavioral expectations that you should follow? Is it OK for someone to tell you that you are not acting right while you are grieving, if you tend to retreat to your cave to lick your wounds alone? Is it OK for someone to be angry that you push them away when you are grieving that loss? What does it mean to allow someone to grieve? Does that mean you tolerate them being snippy to you and short-tempered in the days immediately following their loss? Or should you always be minding your p's and q's, even when you are trudging through a dark place? The stages one goes through; 1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", 2-Anger-"why me?", 3-Bargaining- Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back. 4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness 5-Acceptance- Is highly individualized and anything but a liner process. To allow someone to gieve is to understand that they are going through this heal process and will likely exhibit behaviors that are different from their norms, which, at times, challenging for those around them. To support their process you should encourage them to express these difficult emotions, work through them, but lovingly help them to move trough their emotions. To give them space when they request it but also check in to let them know your there for them, to acknowledge there loss and pain while offer a place beyond them, being a good listener while encouraging actions that helps them move forward. Actions that include councling, reading up on the subject, helping them engage in positive activities such as exercise, eating well, speding time with those who care for them. It is a challenge to be thoughtful of their experience while honest and respecting to your own care. Their grieving does not allow them to be abusive to those around them but it does require additional understanding that much of their behavior is driving my their pain. It is import to communicate that too and help them understand when they may be crossing lines. I hope that helps.
Ronni_W Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 BO, My sympathies to the person (or family) who has suffered the loss. Is it OK for someone to tell you that you are not acting right while you are grieving, if you tend to retreat to your cave to lick your wounds alone? Is it OK for someone to be angry that you push them away when you are grieving that loss? IMO. No, a thousand times 'NO!' That is NOT ok. Nobody gets to tell you how to grieve. Who are they to judge what is "acting right" (and "not right")? Ever, but especially after you've suffered a loss. Does that mean you tolerate them being snippy to you and short-tempered in the days immediately following their loss?To me, this is more of a personal call. I'd try to be able to be understanding and compassionate about 'snippiness' and short tempers that can be attributed to the griever(s) just trying to cope with a significant loss; and just see it for what it is, and forgive it. If it got too much for me, I would take as many "breaks" as I needed to stay calm, sane and rational. But, in my books, people who are grieving do deserve mountains of leeway that I'd not otherwise afford them. On the other side, just because I'm grieving does not give me any "rights" to act without thought. I'd not expect others to just put up with me if I appear to be using my loss to act up and not care that I'm mistreating them. And, right or wrong, I'd have different expectations (of myself and others) depending on the type of loss.
HeavenOrHell Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 No-one can tell someone how to grieve, we don't all grieve in exactly the same way, my grief has not followed a set pattern, it has been a mixture of emotions since day one until now, 7 months on-although the rollercoaster of emotions lessens bit by bit, for me the first 4 months were the worse, no escape at all from all the horrible feelings. Some people prefer to grieve alone, others need people around them a lot of the time, some people will need therapy to help them cope. I think if someone is snippy/irritable when grieving it's quite normal but it's not really acceptable to treat people badly when you're grieving, I've not treated anyone badly while I've been grieving, although I have sounded irritable with my mum at times, which I feel guilty about and I have apologised I would allow some irritability from a person who was grieving. If you have suffered a loss recently - death of a loved one, end of longterm relationship, miscarriage, that sort of thing - are there certain behavioral expectations that you should follow? Is it OK for someone to tell you that you are not acting right while you are grieving, if you tend to retreat to your cave to lick your wounds alone? Is it OK for someone to be angry that you push them away when you are grieving that loss? What does it mean to allow someone to grieve? Does that mean you tolerate them being snippy to you and short-tempered in the days immediately following their loss? Or should you always be minding your p's and q's, even when you are trudging through a dark place?
acceptance101 Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 I didn't read the rest of the replies but - no one can tell you the right or wrong way to grieve, some retreat into a safe isolated zone, some want to talk or shout. What's surely important is that you go through it in your own way, and don't try to repress or ignore it.
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