pureinheart Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I am currently going through a breakup and am (and have been) reading many stories of all sorts of breakups, infidelities ect....also for me there has been the element of severe abuse. Needless to say we all have many issues daily that we deal with that are very difficult. My heart breaks for all of us dealing with these traumas...although I have to say aren't "we", either the dumpees or the ones that refuse to put up with the abuse any longer and bail, actually the WINNERS in all of this? If we were dumped, then we have the finalization and can move on to find, or to be found by one that does love us. If we leave due to interable behavior inflicted upon us, then we win as we donot have to face the abuse any longer. Sure, there is the healing, although this is ok, it's ok to hurt...AND the really great thing is, what doesn't kill us, will make us stronger... Do you guys agree?
CaliGuy Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I don't think there is a winner or loser. There is either an US or an I. I think if there is a clear winner, it's after being dumped you analyze what went wrong, improve the areas of yourself and your life that you can and when the next one comes along, your chances of success are increased.
EYECANDY000 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I think whether you are the dumper or the dumpee , if you woke up this morning and love life, then you are already winning..
threebyfate Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 The minute a relationship is about winning or losing, it's time to walk away. There's no win or lose, when break ups happen. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. Each relationship is one more learning experience about what drives you.
Author pureinheart Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Thanks for the replies...I've read many who feel so bad about loosing their SO's....I wish encouragement to all hurting
bananaboat11 Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 I'm sure I did everything right... I was nothing more than a rebound for a sick, sad, depressed, low self esteem girl who was abused in her past (a girl I dumped twice b/c she was toxic and abusive).. but took back. My fault is TAKING action and faltering not once, but twice... and taking her back only setting myself up for hurt. I'm getting better each day.. slowly... I am the winner in this case. The one thing I need to improve on is to be a stronger partner and lover... I did NOT deserve the things done to me, but I walked into them foolishly. "shorty's like a melody in my head..."
Author pureinheart Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 I'm sure I did everything right... I was nothing more than a rebound for a sick, sad, depressed, low self esteem girl who was abused in her past (a girl I dumped twice b/c she was toxic and abusive).. but took back. My fault is TAKING action and faltering not once, but twice... and taking her back only setting myself up for hurt. I'm getting better each day.. slowly... I am the winner in this case. The one thing I need to improve on is to be a stronger partner and lover... I did NOT deserve the things done to me, but I walked into them foolishly. "shorty's like a melody in my head..." No you did not deserve to be treated abusively. I have heard various reasons as to the hows and whys people get pulled into, and sometimes stay in destructive relationships and it blows my mind. I was in a mind twisting pretzel type version and can see after doing much reading, both Christian and Secular authors as to how this phenomenom occurs...it is none the less fascinating how I really thought things would get better.... Actually BB a good read for you might be the "gaslighting" thread in the OW/OM forum, it opened my eyes greatly. Even if it doesn't apply to you or your situation it is good to know.
Beolf Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 i don't think the dumpee wins at all. its been over a week since i was lied to about my ex wanting to focus on her and her daughter and couldnt give me what i need, because i apparently deserved better she said. few days later i found out she paid and signed up for a sugardaddy site. hurt like hell, and it still does, i was betrayed, i meant nothing to her. but in the end, i guess maybe we do win, but what do we win really? our hopes and dreams were in front of our eyes and ripped apart and shredded, and now we have to start all over again.
sad_dude Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Hi Pure, You make an interesting point, I agree with the others relationships should not be focused on who wins, I feel as though you aren't trying to make that point though. I think and correct me if i'm wrong, but you are almost saying you are winning at life by making the correct choices and learning about yourself and moving on, this feeling of winning isn't a 2 fingers up your ex, it's not a i'm better than you feeling, it's understanding yourself and your ex and eventually reaching the point of forgiveness. I think a lot of people have one of 2 thoughts after a breakup: 1) How do I get him/her back? 2) What's the quickest way to feel better ... rebound relationships. I rarely see people really try and learn from what happened and understand themselves. The second point of understanding yourself can give you great power, the first point, learning should hopefully stop you from making the same mistakes. I truly believe once you combine the two of these your mental state can be greatly improved, once you have the right mentality there no stopping you! good luck Pure, alot of ppl get stuck into a state of self-helplessness, the cycle is awful and they feel they deserve what they are getting. I think you should be really proud you broke out and realised you deserved better, well done
sad_dude Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Hey Banana boat, first thing i'd like to say is don't feel bad about taking her back, to me you were the stronger partner, you took her back not once but twice. I'd really like you to think about that, you showed commitment and love to your partner, that makes you strong in my eyes! I'm really glad you are getting better each day, no one deserves being abused and I think as well as learning about yourself you now actually have an amazing opportunity to use your great qualities on someone that deserves them. My final point is - don;t be too hard on yourself, sure you'll have areas you want to improve (and that's fantastic - i love self development) but remember life is about learning, there is no such thing as failure, but just chances to learn. Good luck
sad_dude Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Hey beolf, I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup, especially the fact she was on a sugardaddy site a few days later. All I can say right now is this is a classic example of someone moving from one person to the next without thinking of their needs at all. I'm afraid she isn't well thought out at all. I suggest you don't do the same thing, I've seen so many people jump into relationships because their ex partners have. Remember you are unique and your own person, you have alot to give, and to be brutly honest it sounds as though she couldn't give you what you needed. I'm sure in the long run, you would agree you wouldn't want to be in a half hearted relationship. Really do take time to reflect, you have a long way to go in the healing process, you must be feeling all sorts of things right now, moments of missing her, to moments of loving her to moments of hating her. Emotions are probably ruling your head as well as hers, take a step back and understand your emotions, she clearly hasn't and got on some sugardaddy website. good luck
Beolf Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Hey beolf, All I can say right now is this is a classic example of someone moving from one person to the next without thinking of their needs at all. I'm afraid she isn't well thought out at all. good luck thanks for that, i mean it. that is what i've been dying to hear from someone. the problem isn't me, it never was me, it was her, you are bang on with her not being well thought out, i never looked at it that way. instead i looked at what was wrong with me. however applying that and driving it into your head is a challenge on its own.
sad_dude Posted February 21, 2010 Posted February 21, 2010 Not a problem Beolf. One thing I mentioned to someone else in this thread, and this applies to you so much right now .... don't be too hard on yourself, i'm sure you'll have areas you want to improve after this (and that's fantastic - i love self development, who better to work on and make better than yourself!!!) but remember life is about learning, there is no such thing as failure, but just chances to learn. If you can learn, but remain loving, open and all the great things you did in your last relationship you have the power to have great relationships in the future. You are again spot on it is a challenge to get this in many peoples heads, not just your own, but the way i see it what have you got to lose? I would suggest your end goal out of this would be to learn but learn without judging her, understand yourself and you'll be on the right track.
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