sweetblubrry Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 (edited) I've been dating this guy for 1.5 months and things have been wonderful! Except last week I kinda noticed him pulling away a bit. So I called him tonight to ask him whats been going on. I am done with BS and games in general so if I'm not getting what I want, I'm breaking all rules and just contacting the guy. Some of you commented in my other posts about him seeing others, well he isn't. He brought up the same thing he did a month ago when I asked last time. He said he just feels there is something missing that should be there if we were to be in a committed relationship. He's not sure what it is. He is definitely very outgoing and kind of a smart-ass where I can be outgoing but probably not as much. I also tend to have that goody-two shoes image which I hate... not true! We goof around and have lots of fun together. He mentioned maybe a personality difference. The problem I thought it was communication. How we don't talk about things like this and we don't even talk on the phone period in between hanging out. He said he still wants to see me, and only date each other but he needs to think about what that issue is. Because thats what people in relationships too but I haven't been doing that because I thought it was not a good idea for casual dating. i don't get it.. if he doesn't even know what it is... why is it such a major issue? And what should I do? I really like him and want to continue to date him. I want things to work out. I think I get really nervous when we don't talk about feelings and such so it does make me hold back a little in person because I don't like not knowing what the other person is thinking. We've only had a dicussion like this twice both times I brought it up. He's acted fine the past month even though it was the same issue. I also don't want to be emotional and stuff with him if we haven't defined a relationship yet. He admitted that he had been pulling back because he has been thinking about that issue. So what is a girl to do? I really like him and want it to work out. Wouldn't he be able to get past this if he really liked me??? I thought it was good to have differences! how can I help him out with this, what can I say?? Edited February 18, 2010 by sweetblubrry
sugarmomma Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 What can you do to help him out? Leave him alone and let him come to you at his own pace. You are pushing him away. Get a life and become a little mysterious. You are too predictable.
Boundary Problem Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Men spout such bs. Actually women do too. Have you ever told someone that you weren't sure the relationship could continue because there was some 'issue' that you couldn't quite put your finger on? No, we always know what the problem is but it can be really hard to tell someone - particular if you are pretty sure you don't see it working out. The real issue here is that he doesn't feel comfortable telling you what his concern is. Of course he knows what is bugging him. He chooses not to talk about it. To me - that is a dealbreaker.
Author sweetblubrry Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 Well I did pull away and its not working.....made things worse so maybe thats not the right option. There is nothing wrong with calling a guy and asking where the relationship is going. Its even in that "he's just not that into you" book and that book is pretty harsh.
counterman Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 From my experience, all that stuff about personality differences, it doesn't really matter if two people are compatible. It would be that he doesn't feel the spark with you. We don't know. I think he's just confused about what he wants. If he's confused, there is not much you can do but let him sort it out himself. He needs to know for himself without your influence. So, I think you should give him a bit of time and tell him to think things through because you're not going to wait around knowing that he might not feel the same about you. From my personal experience, pushing the issue just makes things worse. What I mean by that is trying to convince that you two are fine together. As my ex-girlfriend said "we have nothing" and I was the one who thought we had something. The next day, she came back and said she missed me and that we did have something. That hurt so much. I trusted her but how did her mind change from one day to another? Later on, we broke up because she was confused throughout and never thought it quite through; she never communicated with me how she really felt. Just let him be for now. You don't want to be with someone who isn't sure about how he feels about you and doesn't want you as much as you want him.
Gcm Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I just put my dinner down so that I could reply to this I for one can actually understand where he's coming from with the "something is missing" comment. I've seen girls in the past where things simply haven't worked due to the fact that a certain spark was missing. Even though I'd enjoy their company, think about them at times and so forth, there was just a certain something (which I seriously couldn't explain) that was missing. When was his last relationship? I'm guilty of leaving a relationship only to enter another one shortly afterwards, trying to find things I liked about my ex in that new partner. I haven't been fair on that person and given them the chance to express themselves and let me fall for the person that THEY are, instead, I'm looking for qualities that I liked about my ex. In relation to the "talks" you're having with him. It's all still so fresh and I'd probably steer clear of having them for the time being. If he's anything like myself or most guys, it usually pushes them away even more. If a girl is expressing her feelings toward me when I don't really know what I want, I usually back off in the event that I'd hurt her if things weren't going to work out. Seeing as everything is still so fresh, I'd personally take it day by day. One party generally falls for the other much faster; I think that's you in this scenario. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but just remember that people set a different pace with relationships. All the best
Author sweetblubrry Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 Also if he had a real concern and didn't see it working out, why would he still want to date me exclusively??? And his last relationship ended in Nov 08. He was engaged but they broke it off. He has dated on and off since then but nothing serious. Thanks for the advice, keep it coming! I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page and figure out what was going on and if he was seeing others. He said he'd tell me if he wanted to see others. I feel that is something I have a right to pull him over and ask about. I don't pressure him for anything, I have only asked him twice in 1.5 months about how he's feeling about things and what's going on.
Author sweetblubrry Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 Also this is what gets me. You say I should leave him alone and let him come for me. But yet his issue says that there is something thats not there that should be there if we are in a committed relationship. How is not talking to him going to help that? We don't talk on the phone or much between hangouts so I feel like that is a problem!
Gcm Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Also this is what gets me. You say I should leave him alone and let him come for me. But yet his issue says that there is something thats not there that should be there if we are in a committed relationship. How is not talking to him going to help that? We don't talk on the phone or much between hangouts so I feel like that is a problem! By not talking to him (I'm not saying go NC) you're going to allow him to clear his head and see if he actually does miss you or think about you when he's not with you / speaking to you. It's been 1 1/2 months. You've opened up to this guy and he pretty much shut you down. The ball is in his court; just wait for him to hit it back. "If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was". I'm not saying you love this guy, but the point still stands He probably needs a little breathing space. Again, people set different paces when they're looking at commitment. You're obviously a little faster on the track than he is
Boundary Problem Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 The ball is in his court; just wait for him to hit it back. You're obviously a little faster on the track than he is I don't agree with this. Don't let him waste your time. Just move on. If he knows you and can't make up his mind, then it isn't a good match. Lots of fish in the sea.
counterman Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I would agree that he doesn't really knows what he wants. Look, if he thinks there's something missing in the relationship, what's that going to lead you to think? Of course it's going to confuse you a little and that's why you are posting on here. He doesn't seem sure about you. For me, that is a red flag. It has happened to me before but, instead of breaking it off, I went on to have a relationship. Turns out she never sure about me (and never 100% into me) and just got together with me mostly out of guilty. You want someone who can make up his mind, as Boundary said.
Author sweetblubrry Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 Okay thanks. He said he wants to see me tomorrow so we'll probably hang out if he feels better, he's been sick. And actually I've been letting him do all the initiating with contact. He's been initiating the past few days and I barely heard from him last week and didn't say anything to him about it or get mad or anything. This is the first time I really made a step forward to figure stuff out. I think its only fair to get clarification. If anything he definitely does more of the contacting than I do.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Didn't you set up this next get together? I don't think you are leaving him alone, maybe for a few days, but it sounds like you started contacting him again when you didn't hear from him. His silence is your answer! 1.5 months and nothing on V-day? He isn't feeling it and he just needs to tell you that. He probably thinks there will be a lot of drama. Truly leave him alone and if you hear from him, fine. If not, it's over.
Author sweetblubrry Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 Well I never ended up hanging out with him Thursday cause he was sick after we had that talk wednesday night. I talked to him briefly Thursday, asked him how he was feeling Friday. No contact since, and I am UPSET. He said something was missing, I say communication (its true!) and now he distances me. I've been online and he doesn't im me. He doesn't text or call me. I don't now if he's thinking about what I said, or if he's just being an ass. He did have the swine flu but I don't think that is an excuse. I am now debating on waiting till the end of the week what I should do. I want to send him a fb message explaining how I feel and stuff. And tell him I can't be friends with him. Or should I just defriend him off facebook and have him figure it out for himself. One he's off that, that is pretty much all contact. What do you think?
Bejita463 Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 What do you think? I think this. Truly leave him alone and if you hear from him, fine. If not, it's over.
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