Broken up as of tonight, no idea why

[MenConfuseMe101]

I know you hear these threads all the time. I'm trying to "heal" by coming here and reading other experiences. I am just stunned. I am about to turn 30 in a few weeks and dating is nothing new to me. I have had relationships in my 20s that have lasted for years but marriage was never planned and there were no big heartbreaks. When those ended it was fine and I wished them well and we stayed on good terms...

 

Well, for the first time I let myself really fall in love with someone since I was young. We have been together over a year and a half now. Tonight the relationship ended and I am clueless as to why!. I am a female and he's male, he had a birthday last week and turned 34. He's been going through some struggles in his life but I'm not sure if that's why...Either way we lived together for a long time and then circumstances had us "temporarily" live apart. However, he's only five minutes away so we've been seeing each other very regularly. We have a steady routine established to see each other.

 

Last week was his birthday and I baked him a cake and brought it over there and got him his favorite candy, on the tenth. On the fourteenth we celebrated Valentines together. He claims on the phone tonight that was when he planned to break up with me on Valentines but wasn't able to do it.

 

That night was wonderful. On the phone earlier that day he asked when I was coming over and was eager to see me. He took me out to our favorite couples restaurant where we haven't eaten for like 8 months due to finances. We had a great dinner and then he out of the blue brought me to the park. When we walked I made a wish of us getting married someday with the coin in the fountain. (He doesnt know the wish I made)

 

He saw the stones on the walkway that had peoples names on them and he remarked that one day we should put our names together on the stones and he was wondering how much it cost. We then left and saw two movies together and cuddled and had a great evening. I spent the next day with him and again no fights or anything weird. I left only yesterday to come home and then go to movies with my friend. I was planning to see him again Thursday. Before I left Tuesday, he brought up seeing me Thursday and acted like this was a good thing.

 

BUt then tonight, the phone call, very direct. He said he was wanting to break up with me and hasn't been happy with me for awhile. He says that we fight a lot (which we don't), and he says some things I say and do bother him. He gave no examples. He then repeats a line I said six months ago during one of our big fights. We've had like 3 big fights since we started dating in a year and a half. Our last big fight was that one, like I said, at least six months ago. It wasn't a seperation fight or anything I Just said something I shouldn't have to him, he did the same with me. We got over it that night and it wasn't an issue.

 

Well, tonight he's acting like he's been miserable with me. While we have been together though he tells me that he can't picture being with someone else. He sent me an IM three and half weeks ago when he got his taxes about maybe we should go and pick out an engagement ring together, and I thought then that maybe he was close to proposing.

 

I did get annoyed with him days ago on Saturday for not keeping a date we were supposed to have. Instead of being annoying about it I went home and did some things I needed to do so I didn't act like I was in a bad mood around him. He called me later that night and asked me if I was coming back then and said he missed me. I told him I would Sunday after church and it was a good phone call.

 

Really, what happened?? I mean the past few days have been great. Not just the past few days but we actually really do get along very well. We're compatible, rarely fight, I've never loved someone like this, he talks about marriage to me, tells me he loves me all the time. He's not the cheating kind, we've never cheated on each other. I left YESTERDAY and today he calls with this break up call. He just said Monday night about us always being together. He claims now he wanted to end it on Valentines but then he takes me out to the nice dinner and the park and makes comments about writing our names together on the brick??

 

I dont see how he could have met someone else. I am friends with who he is staying with and no one comes over there. He is pretty much in solitude right now. His car broke down last October and then he had to quit his job because of no transportation since its out of town. He's been stressed since all of this. In a few days his car is ready again. I am just confused...

 

I really don't understand. There should have been some signs he doesn't want to be with me. I started dating when I was fourteen. I am not a stranger to relationships ending and warning signs. I have had many relationships that lasted for years and I always know the signs. Those signs are not here though. I am just confused and it is so random and out of the blue The only thing I can think of is that I have been unemployed for awhile and haven't had luck with finding a job. That's the only negative thing about me I can think of. That's out of my control though and he never brings that up and I figure if that were the reason he would say it.

 

He says he'll always care for me and that I've been there for him and he'll call me in a few days. I know he won't call though as I know that's not how it works. This is just so depressing and I feel so amazed this happened to us.

Edited February 18, 2010 by MenConfuseMe101

[nukeplus]

I am sorry to hear about this. My thread is right above yours so if you read it you can see we probably feel about the same right now.

 

My suggestion (as a male) is to give him a few days and see what happens. Unfortunutely, no matter how much you try, you aren't going to be able to figure out what's going on in his mind. Maybe he just has too much going on right now and needs some space. I do wish you well and feel bad too with my situation.

 

Try to use the time to focus on yourself and take care of yourself. That is what my plan is going to be.

[apollo2588]

Hi MCM, here's the part of your story that stuck out to me:

 

 

His car broke down last October and then he had to quit his job because of no transportation since its out of town. He's been stressed since all of this.

 

I think this is the most important point of your situation. We, both men and women, do alot of strange things when we're stressed out... now I don't know your man, and if you say he isn't the type to cheat then to me... this breakup is a result of other stressors in his life.

 

Many men (and women, don't want to generalize) go into a panic when they don't feel in control of what is going on around them... when life gets too much for them to handle, they actively try to find something that is within thier ability to control or change. Your relationship might have been that for your man.

 

My best advice is to wait a bit. As things start looking up as far as his car and job, he may get out of his rut and realize that he let stress get the better of his descision making. Now, if that's the case... make sure the conversation before taking him back is heavy on the, "should I expect a meltdown everytime life takes a bad turn?" But, if he seems like the guy your describing, you may just want to chalk it up to a momentary lapse in judgement.

 

However, if he doesn't come back to you or you find out there IS someone else... then that's a different ballgame and you may have to go into truley grieving the relationship, No Contact rules, etc. But I say don't worry about that until you have a couple days and the picture gets a bit clearer.

 

Feel free to update though, good luck, and know you're not alone.

Edited February 18, 2010 by apollo2588
typo

[MenConfuseMe101]

I am sorry to hear about this. My thread is right above yours so if you read it you can see we probably feel about the same right now.

 

My suggestion (as a male) is to give him a few days and see what happens. Unfortunutely, no matter how much you try, you aren't going to be able to figure out what's going on in his mind. Maybe he just has too much going on right now and needs some space. I do wish you well and feel bad too with my situation.

 

Try to use the time to focus on yourself and take care of yourself. That is what my plan is going to be.

 

 

Thank you so much. I have been reading threads and just need someone to talk to. I really am hurting and baffled. I have even looked at threads online that list signs a relationship is ending or "he's not that into you". He doesnt even match this stuff. He always answers calls, wants me to see him, never makes excuses not to be with me, is still affectionate to me, doesnt speak of needing space, this is just devastating. I have been in enough relationships to see warning signs. It's the first time I've really opened my heart to someone in ten years.

 

Thanks for your response, I really appreciate it.

[MenConfuseMe101]

Hi MCM, here's the part of your story that stuck out to me:

 

 

 

 

I think this is the most important point of your situation. We, both men and women, do alot of strange things when we're stressed out... now I don't know your man, and if you say he isn't the type to cheat then to me... this breakup is a result of other stressors in his life.

 

Many men (and women, don't want to generalize) go into a panic when they don't feel in control of what is going on around them... when life gets too much for them to handle, they actively try to find something that is within thier ability to control or change. Your relationship might have been that for your man.

 

My best advice is to wait a bit. As things start looking up as far as his car and job, he may get out of his rut and realize that he let stress get the better of his descision making. Now, if that's the case... make sure the conversation before taking him back is heavy on the, "should I expect a meltdown everytime life takes a bad turn?" But, if he seems like the guy your describing, you may just want to chalk it up to a momentary lapse in judgement.

 

However, if he doesn't come back to you or you find out there IS someone else... then that's a different ballgame and you may have to go into truley grieving the relationship, No Contact rules, etc. But I say don't worry about that until you have a couple days and the picture gets a bit clearer.

 

Feel free to update though, good luck, and know you're not alone.

 

Thank you so much, it helps a lot to have people to talk to. I just can't believe this as I thought - finally. I am tired of dating. He really feels like he was the one. Last Wednesday on his birthday I baked him a homemade birthday cake and his favorite candy and he was great with everything. I mean, I figured he would be acting cold or something to me if this was coming but he hasnt been.

[apollo2588]

Thank you so much, it helps a lot to have people to talk to. I just can't believe this as I thought - finally. I am tired of dating. He really feels like he was the one. Last Wednesday on his birthday I baked him a homemade birthday cake and his favorite candy and he was great with everything. I mean, I figured he would be acting cold or something to me if this was coming but he hasnt been.

 

I'm sure it seems out of the blue and I know it hurts. Be strong, give it a couple days, but also don't try to "hope" one way... because breaking up and thinking he's coming back when he isn't can be even more devestating then how you're feeling now.

 

Just look at it as the door still being open. But either way, happiness is always out there and you will find it... with or without him. BELIEVE THAT!

[MenConfuseMe101]

I'm sure it seems out of the blue and I know it hurts. Be strong, give it a couple days, but also don't try to "hope" one way... because breaking up and thinking he's coming back when he isn't can be even more devestating then how you're feeling now.

 

Just look at it as the door still being open. But either way, happiness is always out there and you will find it... with or without him. BELIEVE THAT!

 

 

Thank you... I guess you're right on saying dont hope, even if the door might or might not be open

[confused_pjl]

Your story is very similar to mine. My girlfriend did the exact same thing almost. I lost my job a few months back and was feeling down on myself, not that it really impacted how i treated her or our relationship. Maybe a week before she broke up with me she was talking about getting married, having kids, telling me how much she loved me, etc. Then, all of a sudden, out of the blue she is confused and doesn't know what she wants anymore. She ended up breaking up with me and moving out of our place 4 days later. Not even a week after we broke up I found out she was dating someone else at her work. It still doesn't make sense to me how someone can go from one extreme to the next. Especially my Ex, who jumped into another relationship immediately. Makes me sick to my stomach when I think of it.

 

I too have been in other long term relationships know how to read the signs, there were none in this relationship. We didn't fight or argue, their definitely were no signs that she would just disappear and act like the past 3 years meant nothing.

 

It has almost been 2 wks of NC for me. Its getting harder for me as more time goes by. I know its for the best but it kills me knowing that she is having sex with another man.

 

I'm not suggesting that your boyfriend already has someone else in the picture, but it definitely doesn't make sense that he would act like everything is fine and then BOOM, a sudden change of heart. Apparently these types of actions are more common than we think.

 

I hope things work out for you. Wishing you all the best, stay strong!

[Eisenhower]

One thing I learned from being dumped by my girlfriend was that just because you thought everything was great right before they broke up with you doesn't mean it was so. They were acting, following a comfortable routine while internally they were checked out already and looking for a way to end it. You need to go back farther in time than just the last few days - he's likely been thinking about this for a while. Like the rest, I hope he's just stressed out and will come back to you, but whatever you do, don't beg - let him miss you.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Eisenhower

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like his heart was increasingly checking out over time, but his head was increasingly trying to keep things together. He went through the long slow process of falling out of love, and he tried as hard as he could to keep things going but in the end just wasn't able to stay in a relationship that made sense, but that his heart wasn't really in it.

 

A lot of time, when someone has fallen out of love, they still care about you and they will do or say whatever they think that will hopefully jump start their hearts into loving you again (things like talking marriage/children/etc), but when that jump start doesn't work they cut their losses and end things. That is why you hear so many stories of "last week he said he wanted to marry me, and this week he broke up with me".

 

My exH did the same thing - we were separated, he asked me to move back in and said that he wanted us back together as a family again. Less than six months later, he was dating someone else and talking divorce. The head knows what logically should work, but the heart will always trump that in the end in one way or other.

Edited February 20, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[jerrytodd]

One thing I learned from being dumped by my girlfriend was that just because you thought everything was great right before they broke up with you doesn't mean it was so. They were acting, following a comfortable routine while internally they were checked out already and looking for a way to end it. You need to go back farther in time than just the last few days - he's likely been thinking about this for a while. Like the rest, I hope he's just stressed out and will come back to you, but whatever you do, don't beg - let him miss you.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Eisenhower

 

I agree 100%. You never really know how people are thinking, even those closest to you. It is one of the most heartbreaking parts of ending a relationship because for me I looked into those big green eyes of hers, heard what she was saying and didnt get it at all.

[MenConfuseMe101]

Um ok I have a weird update to the situation.

 

A few days ago my ex emailed me and seemed a little angry and said he wants to stay friends but it was more of a good bye letter in response to the one letter I sent him wishing him well the night of the breakup.

 

Three days ago he sends me an email all upset saying that he feels so guilty, keeps feeling like crying, is in a really bad place, doesnt know if he can be with me but not sure if he's doing the right thing.

 

He then sees someones comment to me on Myspace status and gets angry about that then writes me again to appologize and say to just delete the message, he got angry about it. He was on myspace awhile and I think reading back on all my comments and statuses.

 

The next day he calls me on the phone for the first time and wants to see me face to face to explain things. I was about to leave and told him that. He said to pick him up and he'd go with me. I do so.

 

He tells me all sorts of stuff, the reasons I figured he was wanting out (even though I think we can work through these things). He said he wanted to be a man and face his problems face-first (I guess after the breakup over the phone is what he is referring to). He tells me in the hes kicking himself in the face over this and he has never cared for someone the way he does me. He tells me he loves me and that he wants to be friends and keep contact right now because he is so confused about things. He said his friends tried to cheer him up and so he went on a few dates with this one girl - a big flag to me he's jumping into someting else to move on. He tells me it's not a relationship or anything, just a few dates. He tells me he's doing this to try and get over it.

 

He breaks down outside the parking lot and starts crying and hugs me. This is a guy who has never cried the entire time I've known him and is usually kind of emotionless. I have seem him go through so many trials and never cry. He is a "man-man" and I was surprised. He then went in with me and we had fun shopping. I tried not to concentrate on relationship talk and just joke,

 

On the way back he said that no one ever made him laugh like me. He says everything in the world reminds him of me. He says he hasn't been eating or really sleeping. He says when I drop him off he will give me my stuff back. I have some of his and he says he'll get it later, no rush. He says that he understands if I find someone and move on and it will be his loss but he is not saying our relationship is over, it is just on pause. Grrr he is dating someone else!!

 

Anyway, he brings me in the room to get the stuff. I see on the board where I had written "I love you _____" when we were together. He had erased part of his name but the rest was there. He told me he couldnt erase it. He started crying again. He seems soooo out of it and depressed, I have never seen him like this before. It seems like everything is just falling apart for him. He told me he is just feeling angry at everything lately. He says he doesn't know what to do and still loves me so much. He told me he doesnt even really get on his computer now and has little interest even in that. He hugged me again and promised me we would get through this. He walked me to the car and called me sweetie when I left. The whole afternoon he told me he loved me tons of times.

 

So, this is just a weird update. I don't know.

Edited February 28, 2010 by MenConfuseMe101

[jerrytodd]

This does sound like one of those rare times that the dumper is truly confused. What seemed right a short time ago isnt. I like how you handled it - being supportive but not pressing on the relationship.

 

How do you want to see this go given his uncertainty? I assume a LC situation could work for you now? Or with him dating is it NC?

[MenConfuseMe101]

I know what NC is but not LC sorry

 

I would love to reconcile, I never felt this way about someone before. I really think we're well suited, it's just life has interfered a lot. I havent been able to find a job and that's one of the most taxing things on us. Also we both have been under incredible stress over his job, his car, my car, and living arrangements. I think we really could make it work if he wasnt so confused and didn't bail on me like he did.

 

I don't know what to do. Right now trying not to contact him again unless he does first again and be supportive/nice but not too eager, I guess, like I may have done with one of these last emails.

 

My friend said he's probably faking but one thing for sure i know is he's never been the lying type or the acting type and there'd be no reason for him to go through this trouble. He asked to see me, not the other way around, he contacted me through phone, he's the one who keeps crying. I'm just worried about this dating thing. I think he's using it to move on or try to and it's not working yet. I don't want him to latch on to someone else out of desperation and lose interest in me because I'm out of sight and out of mind when there's a chance it could work out.

[jerrytodd]

I know what NC is but not LC sorry.

 

Limited Contact.

 

Sounds tough, I think you have a good instinct to hold back on contact.

 

What must drive you nuts (maybe because it is the thing that is driving me nuts) is the "I am going to run away from my problem" instead of talking about it or trying to fix it. Life takes work, in almost every respect. Nothing is easy. Especially love.

[MenConfuseMe101]

Yeah Im going to try hard not to keep checking myspace like crazy, it's ridiculous. I was doing better but argh.

 

This is the last message he sent to me

 

thx for the message and going out with me today i really needed that it help me out allot hopefully we will be good friends and will be able to work through my stupidity love you sweets

 

 

I just dont know, it's all confusing. I'm trying to distance myself for awhile

[jerrytodd]

Yeah Im going to try hard not to keep checking myspace like crazy, it's ridiculous. I was doing better but argh.

 

This is the last message he sent to me

 

thx for the message and going out with me today i really needed that it help me out allot hopefully we will be good friends and will be able to work through my stupidity love you sweets

 

 

I just dont know, it's all confusing. I'm trying to distance myself for awhile

 

I dont know for every relationship but you will see it in the person's eyes when it is time to reconnect. I know that would be my situation. Same as when it wasnt good. That will be a lot easier to read than the text message.

 

That may help the confusion, stay strong, stay away and you will be a lot better off. Continued good luck.

 

p.s. -- I dont anticipate this ever happening for me BTW. I just know what it would look like.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Yes, distance yourself for sure. His behavior sounds like he is grieving the end of the relationship, that he misses what he used to have with you, and feels guilty that he no longer feels the way about you that he used to. Sometimes when a person falls out of love with you, they are frustrated because they didn't want to, but their heart simply couldn't keep it up. It sounds like he is genuinely sorry about the relationship ending, but I don't necessarily see it as a sign of him wanting the relationship back.

 

He said his friends tried to cheer him up and so he went on a few dates with this one girl - a big flag to me he's jumping into someting else to move on. He tells me it's not a relationship or anything, just a few dates. He tells me he's doing this to try and get over it.

 

I hope you didn't believe this. I suspect she was in the picture in some way before you guys broke up. That is usually the case. He isn't having any trouble 'getting over it' - he already got over it. I think he feels bad about it, so is trying to convince you to believe something that will hurt you less than "I'm over it, and have moved on with someone else". At least he isn't being mean about it. I just wish he were more honest so that moving on won't be so hard for you.

 

Whatever the case, he is grieving the end. You will need to do the same and need to do it without his interference.