thinking of leaving my wife

[regular_dude]

i've been married for nearly ten years, we separated for two years though during that time.

 

we married very young because my wife got pregnant. when my wife was 21 after two years of marriage she had an affair with two different co-workers. i left her and went about my business for two years dating, working, catching up with old friends and whatnot it was actually a great time in my life because i married so young it gave me time to do things 24 year old guys should be doing....

 

after about two years my wife really wanted to reconcile and i have a hard time holding a grudge. it took more energy to be mad over something i wasn't even mad at anymore then it was to just forgive and forget. we had our son and i wanted to be their for him and i was broke frankly from child support and still loved my wife and missed the idea of being a solid family so we got back together.

 

fast forward to today and we're back into a rut of very little sex, my wife seems disinterested in me (she claims she just doesn't like sex but why would someone who doesn't like sex have multiple affairs? doesn't make sense). she's gone back to school which i kind of think she is doing to be able to leave the marriage on her terms, and only staying with me so i support her through school.

 

naturally i feel like a bit of a fool and i am contemplating leaving her. i work a very difficult stressful job and my wife was laid off and we took a large 55K hit and everything is my shoulders to support, mortgage, bills, car payments etc... and i hate this house it costs too much and i won't own it until i'm 60 and at that point i won't be able to pay the taxes anymore. i could care about cars or kitchens or anything else. i want my 98 harley, the company of a few good friends, my kids to love and respect me and she can keep the rest... anytime i'm not working i'm watching the kids so she can study or go to school. it would be one thing if she was appreciative but i get nothing but the cold shoulder and ignored, and if she has schoolwork or a test coming up she's unbearable to be around because she waits until the last minute then stresses out and takes her stress out on everyone else.

 

we've talked and she agrees she's been neglectful but it really seems at this point to be nothing but talk... she'll change for a week or so so i shut up, but after that it's back to me being basically nothing but a paycheck and watch the kids so she can achieve her goals.

 

i'm obviously not happy and if it were a temporary situation i could suck it up, but honestly if she just leaves me after completing school and gets a teaching job i'll be probably madder than i've ever been because of the sacrifice this is taking on my part and the financial dire straights we're in. and in my gut i feel that is the plan...

 

just needed to get that off my chest...

Edited February 18, 2010 by regular_dude

[whichwayisup]

we've talked and she agrees she's been neglectful but it really seems at this point to be nothing but talk... she'll change for a week or so so i shut up, but after that it's back to me being basically nothing but a paycheck and watch the kids so she can achieve her goals.

 

i'm obviously not happy and if it were a temporary situation i could suck it up, but honestly if she just leaves me after completing school and gets a teaching job i'll be probably madder than i've ever been because of the sacrifice this is taking on my part and the financial dire straights we're in. and in my gut i feel that is the plan...

 

Tell her this..Exactly. She has to know that you feel it's only a matter of time before she leaves, that you feel she's using you (selfishly, not malciously), bidding her time until she's ready to go.

 

I suggest you two go to marriage counselling. To keep your family together, both of you have to make time for another, connect again. Just hope she's willing to do her part!

[sotagoon]

Dude...I feel for you.

 

I wasn't married, but for 8 years I had/have been "THE PAYCHECK". Paying everything, always taking a back seat to school and work. Then she was diagnosed with cancer. I was there for 9 chemo sessions, then lived at the hospital for weeks while she had surgery and recovered, and then 6 weeks of radiation. GUESS WHAT.....she left.

 

She walked out twice before and always to another guy. THis time is no exception. She even took this ****-bag on the vacation we planned for this past New Years.

 

Apparently I have been too bland....you know...working long days, lots of travel and then come home to be turned down for dinner, movies, SEX and apparently not exciting enough to stay here.

 

I don't know what to tell you other than communication is key. Maybe you have to tell her that you are considering leaving and ask her why SHE thinks you shouldn't? I know that sounds simple, but it really gets to the point.

I never did anything of the sorts, but I now wish I would have made her pull her own way at some point.....instead I got run over and now have about 50k in debt to boot.

 

Amazingly....I still want her back.....am I just f'in crazy...some people think so.

[regular_dude]

Tell her this..Exactly. She has to know that you feel it's only a matter of time before she leaves, that you feel she's using you (selfishly, not malciously), bidding her time until she's ready to go.

 

I suggest you two go to marriage counselling. To keep your family together, both of you have to make time for another, connect again. Just hope she's willing to do her part!

 

thanks for responding, i've told her all of this almost verbatim... things will change for maybe a few days, but then it's same old same old.

 

i dont' like counselors to be honest i think for the most part it is pointless drivel and helps nothing.

 

i forgot to mention about two months ago she had a facebook post a friend of mine directed me towards where she asked a co-worker (she's apart time waitress) to get a drink after work. she played it off like "we all get drinks after work". i mean this is literally to a tee what she did the first time, made me feel crazy for even suspecting wrong doing meanwhile she WAS cheating the entire time.

 

now i don't think she cheated, but she certainly was headed down that path.

 

not really sure what to do, i'm still a young man (32) good shape, good job, and i feel like i'm marking time with someone who really just isn't that interested in me and never will be, and that's fine not everyone is going to like or love you. but someone out there will and i feel like i'm just sacrificing so much for someone who frankly gives very little back to me and before i know it i'll be older and looking back on why did i stay with someone when clearly i shouldn't have.

 

i'm not perfect i admit i can be a grump and have a ton of anxiety from my job and having all the responsibility on my shoulders, but mainly because i'm not happy with the current status quo... away from my wife i'm a much different person.

[sotagoon]

i'm not perfect i admit i can be a grump and have a ton of anxiety from my job and having all the responsibility on my shoulders, but mainly because i'm not happy with the current status quo... away from my wife i'm a much different person.

 

DUUUUUUUDE....this is me in a nut shell. It makes me feel a little better to know I'm not nuts.

 

Let me guess....she probably doesn't really care if your day was horrible or great? Mine actually told me "Maybe you're just not good at what you do."

This coming from someone that lives on my shoulders.

 

Just like you, I am a sissy ass with her but outside of that I'm ruthless. Why is this?

 

I hope you find what you want....be it your happiness through seperation or your wife to become the woman again that you met.

 

Best of luck!

[seibert253]

Dude, you know she's gonna bail after she finishes school. You're a babysitter and a steady income.

 

Tell her the jig is up, you know what she's doing, and since she doesn't love you anymore it's time to move on. For your sanity. Tell her you love her, you want to fix this, but is obvious she doesn't, so let's just cut our losses and move on.

 

It will either shock her back into reality, or push her farther away. Either way, then you'll know which way to proceed.

 

Peace,

[mimidarlin]

Wow...step up. Make the decision...really think about whether this marriage will ever make you happy. I'm not certain that you were really invested in the reconciliation after two years. You were broke, missed your son and being a family. But did you miss her? Did you miss being with her?

 

My husband and I have both worked our whole marriage. In the beginning he earned less than me. Eventually he earned significantly more than me and now we're back to equal. Mostly because he has his own business with full time employees so his net profit was reduced.

 

I always respected how hard he worked. He respected how hard I worked. I remember my mother complaining how my father didn't help around the house and didn't do this/that took her for granted etc. Hell the woman lived a very good life off a man who worked like the devil all of his life.

 

She was a housewife but couldn't keep the house clean. She did make his meals but greeted him with complaints the moment he came home. So he made a habit of going to the bar every night for some peace and quiet. I grew up resenting him for this but as an adult I am angry with her. I do not respect the woman who doesn't have a job and takes her husband for granted. The woman who doesn't respect how much the responsibility of a wife, child and house weigh on her husband.

 

Get out while the getting is good. Go see a lawyer before you approach her so you have some idea of your finances. If she is going to school she may qualify for a Pell Grant as a single mother. Hopefully you won't have to pay alimony.

[regular_dude]

so after giving it some thought i have to admit i never fully got over her affairs, frankly i don't think it's possible. not that i'm angry about them, but they are a reality and still play a part on our relationship. she has already outright rejected me twice in preference to other men IMO really no going back from that, simply because it's such a conscious deliberate rejection of you, there's no misreading it. just because these men soon left her and she realized they were using her doesn't mean she didn't essentially cut me off and start relationships with other men (at different times of course) because she enjoyed them both physically and emotionally over me. that's the reality, i'm third or fourth place...

 

i think i just need to get away from this and get my head straight. i've had a long talk with her and she is very shocked by it all. she thought we were happy, we've had sex maybe 10 times in two years and i've told her about my unhappiness several times... when she was cheating on me she was staying out until 3 AM having sex daily with these men, with me i'm lucky if i can get more than two minutes of missionary once every three months. how could this make me feel like i am the love of her life and the affairs were just her "being young"?

 

i told her i believe she loves me because i take care of her worries, house, food, bills, etc... but she doesn't love me like a wife should love a husband. and maybe i leave and i spend the rest of my life alone, but maybe i meet a woman who actually wants to be with me? at this point 32 and miserable i'm at a cross-roads... i think i gotta take that chance, it'll be lonely though.

Edited February 20, 2010 by regular_dude

[mem11363]

Each year that passes that you keep a decent job your odds of a nice woman falling crazy for you go up HUGELY. You will NOT be lonely long. The pool of available men who are sane and have a decent job shrinks rapidly with each year of age. It is a ferocious difference by 40 - but even at 35 you will be surprised.

 

Seems that your wife treats you horribly and doesn't even think about your happiness. But she sure is happy to cash your paycheck.

 

 

so after giving it some thought i have to admit i never fully got over her affairs, frankly i don't think it's possible. not that i'm angry about them, but they are a reality and still play a part on our relationship. she has already outright rejected me twice in preference to other men IMO really no going back from that, simply because it's such a conscious deliberate rejection of you, there's no misreading it. just because these men soon left her and she realized they were using her doesn't mean she didn't essentially cut me off and start relationships with other men (at different times of course) because she enjoyed them both physically and emotionally over me. that's the reality, i'm third or fourth place...

 

i think i just need to get away from this and get my head straight. i've had a long talk with her and she is very shocked by it all. she thought we were happy, we've had sex maybe 10 times in two years and i've told her about my unhappiness several times... when she was cheating on me she was staying out until 3 AM having sex daily with these men, with me i'm lucky if i can get more than two minutes of missionary once every three months. how could this make me feel like i am the love of her life and the affairs were just her "being young"?

 

i told her i believe she loves me because i take care of her worries, house, food, bills, etc... but she doesn't love me like a wife should love a husband. and maybe i leave and i spend the rest of my life alone, but maybe i meet a woman who actually wants to be with me? at this point 32 and miserable i'm at a cross-roads... i think i gotta take that chance, it'll be lonely though.

[sally4sara]

Dude, you know she's gonna bail after she finishes school. You're a babysitter and a steady income.

 

Tell her the jig is up, you know what she's doing, and since she doesn't love you anymore it's time to move on. For your sanity. Tell her you love her, you want to fix this, but is obvious she doesn't, so let's just cut our losses and move on.

 

It will either shock her back into reality, or push her farther away. Either way, then you'll know which way to proceed.

 

Peace,

 

Pray tell, how is a man merely a babysitter to his own kid?

 

Regular Dude, You express that your suspicions leave you feeling full of anxiety. It is not a healthy relationship. I know she is your wife and you have kids together, but if you cannot see MC as being something that could help the two of you get to a healthy relationship, your anxiety is not going to end and it will play a hand in the mix with her flaws to cause the marriage to fail. Always feeling anxiety will effect you as a parent as well.

[Barky]

The OP lies down on the ground and then acts surprised when he's walked on.

 

Strange.

[regular_dude]

The OP lies down on the ground and then acts surprised when he's walked on.

 

Strange.

 

i don't see how i've "lied down"...

 

when she cheated i left for two years not exactly lying down. is working hard and taking care of your family "lying down"?

 

not that the BS has started again i'm going to see a lawyer and leave her, again not really lying down.

[regular_dude]

Pray tell, how is a man merely a babysitter to his own kid?

 

Regular Dude, You express that your suspicions leave you feeling full of anxiety. It is not a healthy relationship. I know she is your wife and you have kids together, but if you cannot see MC as being something that could help the two of you get to a healthy relationship, your anxiety is not going to end and it will play a hand in the mix with her flaws to cause the marriage to fail. Always feeling anxiety will effect you as a parent as well.

 

i think when people use the term "baby sitter" they're stating what my wife thinks of me. if the kids are left with me whenever she seems fit so she can do what she wants to do, then i am playing a baby sitter role to her. i'm someone to pay the bills and watch the kids when convenient. other than that i'm pretty much expendable.

 

we've been to marriage counseling and it was a pointless waste of money IMO.

 

we talked last night in depth again and she says she can understand my sexual frustration and that she'll change. but IMO if you have to work so hard to WANT to be intimate with your husband there's a major problem. it's a simple one really you don't find him appealing at all anymore. i'm 32 good shape, full head of hair,never had a problem getting a woman so frankly i don't think i need to deal with someone who thinks she can do better. i told her i just want to try to be happy and i'm not happy in this situation and we never will be.

[BUENG1]

i've been married for nearly ten years, we separated for two years though during that time.

 

we married very young because my wife got pregnant. when my wife was 21 after two years of marriage she had an affair with two different co-workers. i left her and went about my business for two years dating, working, catching up with old friends and whatnot it was actually a great time in my life because i married so young it gave me time to do things 24 year old guys should be doing....

 

after about two years my wife really wanted to reconcile and i have a hard time holding a grudge. it took more energy to be mad over something i wasn't even mad at anymore then it was to just forgive and forget. we had our son and i wanted to be their for him and i was broke frankly from child support and still loved my wife and missed the idea of being a solid family so we got back together.

 

fast forward to today and we're back into a rut of very little sex, my wife seems disinterested in me (she claims she just doesn't like sex but why would someone who doesn't like sex have multiple affairs? doesn't make sense). she's gone back to school which i kind of think she is doing to be able to leave the marriage on her terms, and only staying with me so i support her through school.

 

naturally i feel like a bit of a fool and i am contemplating leaving her. i work a very difficult stressful job and my wife was laid off and we took a large 55K hit and everything is my shoulders to support, mortgage, bills, car payments etc... and i hate this house it costs too much and i won't own it until i'm 60 and at that point i won't be able to pay the taxes anymore. i could care about cars or kitchens or anything else. i want my 98 harley, the company of a few good friends, my kids to love and respect me and she can keep the rest... anytime i'm not working i'm watching the kids so she can study or go to school. it would be one thing if she was appreciative but i get nothing but the cold shoulder and ignored, and if she has schoolwork or a test coming up she's unbearable to be around because she waits until the last minute then stresses out and takes her stress out on everyone else.

 

we've talked and she agrees she's been neglectful but it really seems at this point to be nothing but talk... she'll change for a week or so so i shut up, but after that it's back to me being basically nothing but a paycheck and watch the kids so she can achieve her goals.

 

i'm obviously not happy and if it were a temporary situation i could suck it up, but honestly if she just leaves me after completing school and gets a teaching job i'll be probably madder than i've ever been because of the sacrifice this is taking on my part and the financial dire straights we're in. and in my gut i feel that is the plan...

 

just needed to get that off my chest...

 

See a lawyer before you decide that now is the time to divorce. It might not be beneficial to divorce her while she is unemployed. But if your unhappy enough and just want to divorce, can't blame you. Only get one life, no use in allowing toxic people(your wife) to contaminate it for you.